Page 51 of Before You (Reckless Love #2)

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

JJ

TODAY WAS A fucking nightmare, every horrible moment replaying on a loop in my mind.

The way I did everything possible to try and help my team today, but the reality is with my brace on, I’m not anywhere near as fast as I need to be.

It’s the worst game I’ve had in a long time, and the other team took full advantage of our missed connections on the field.

My hands clench, and I need to hit something. I need to feel something because the urge to feel nothing has me by the throat, especially after my slip.

I know it’s going to take time for my knee to fully recover, especially after the hell I’ve put it through the last few months. I can’t expect it to be perfect like it was when I couldn’t feel anything.

My anger bubbles over despite the shower I hastily took with the hope of it helping me shake my mood before I go to find Marley. My teammates have given me a wide berth since we entered the locker room, and I’m disappointed in myself for letting them down.

It’s fine. I’m fine.

I ignore the looks from my teammates. I’m not one to normally get heated over games, but right now I’m struggling to find what my new normal is.

It was different last season because I couldn’t do a damn thing about it while recovering from my surgery, but this time I could have made a difference, and we still lost.

“You good?” Ash asks from my left, and I grab a shirt out of my locker, pulling it over my head.

“Perfect.”

He snorts. “Yeah. You and everyone else in here. Are you good?” he asks again, emphasizing his words carefully as if I don’t know exactly what he’s asking.

I look at him, lying straight through my fucking teeth. “I’m good.” I’m clean, but I’m not good by any means.

“JJ, you did your best. Anyone could see it,” he says, clapping me on the back.

I nod tersely, not trusting my voice right now.

“Go find Marley. Seeing her might help,” Asher suggests, and for once he actually has a good idea.

“Thanks, man. You had a good game,” I say, offering him the faintest of smiles. It’s the best I can do right now, but I’m starting to think my best isn’t good enough.

Marley and I have been meeting in the same spot after every game since we got together, and I could really go for a hug from her right now.

I grab my things, waiting until I’m out of the locker room and the view from lingering eyes before pulling my phone out to search for any meetings in the area I can slip away to. I’m trying to do the right thing.

Asher started driving me to one every day, and as hard as walking into the first one was, I think he’s right to make me go.

As much as I’d love to listen to the part of my brain screaming I need the pills, I don’t want to take them.

I haven’t shared at a meeting, but the way everyone simply listens and doesn’t judge the other people makes me want to hit a point where I feel comfortable in the uncomfortable by sharing.

I’m working on finding a way to explain everything to Marley, but I’m terrified of what it might mean. Still, I’m aware it needs to happen sooner rather than later.

To my relief, Marley is still waiting for me. However, my heart drops to my feet when I realize Mirabelle is standing next to her. They’re deep in conversation and haven’t noticed me.

What is she doing here? I didn’t ask Mira to come. I need more time clean before I break my family’s hearts, and I’m not in the right headspace to deal with it now.

I don’t have time to wrap my brain around my sister’s presence when Marley catches sight of me.

Her eyes light up and Mirabelle turns to see me.

She’s quicker to move than Marley, running and throwing her arms around me.

“I know it slows you down, but I’m really proud of you for wearing the brace today.

Your knee will be better before you know it. ”

This feels like a sick joke.

I leave my arms motionless at my sides, and she moves back to look at me. “JJ? What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” I ask, a bitter laugh escaping me.

“What’s wrong is I would have been good enough today if I weren’t wearing the brace.

I wouldn’t be the way I am, stuck with everyone telling me I did my best today, knowing fully well I’m nowhere near the player I was before picking a fight with some asshole on the field after he described how he’d like to—” I cut myself off, and Mirabelle’s brown eyes widen.

“Why are you here?” I ask, my mouth growing dry as if it’s been stuffed with cotton. Does she know Bailey called?

She straightens and Marley’s stare is heavy on me. Everything feels heavy. I don’t have it in me to pretend I’m okay. Right now, it’s easier to blame Mirabelle than it is to blame myself for being the way I am.

“Why am I here? Do you really have to ask? You’re my best friend and my brother. I love you, and I miss you.” Mirabelle steps back, her eyebrows knitting as she crosses her arms over her chest. “Finish what you were going to say. What fight are you talking about? What was he saying?”

I swallow, shaking my head as my anxiety runs rampant, taking advantage of my mood. “You shouldn’t have come. I don’t want you here,” I whisper, consumed by the guilt of what I know.

“JJ,” Marley says, and Mirabelle’s jaw drops.

“No. I’m sorry, I can’t do this right now.”

And I walk away, hating I’ve become this person who lies to the people I love.

I’m trying to be better. I just wish they knew it.