Page 52 of Before You (Reckless Love #2)

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

Marley

JJ HASN’T RESPONDED to any of the texts I’ve sent him since he walked away from me and Mirabelle at the stadium earlier this morning.

Mirabelle texted me late last night to let me know she caught a last second flight to see JJ’s game and grab lunch before her flight tonight to Minnesota where Henry’s game is tomorrow, but her flight was moved up due to expected weather in Minnesota.

We stopped on our way to the airport to grab a quick bite to eat, but it was a quiet meal, both of us shaken from the interaction with JJ.

I wasn’t expecting Bria to be at the apartment when I returned from dropping Mira at the airport, but she’s sitting at the counter doing homework when I walk in.

“I thought you were supposed to be with Asher?” I ask, hanging my keys on the hook by the door.

“He said something came up with JJ, and he had to take him somewhere.” She looks up, her mouth turning down in a frown. “Are you okay? You look exhausted.”

I feel some relief knowing JJ’s not by himself, but I am exhausted. I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out what’s going on with JJ, but I can’t help thinking there’s more to this than anyone knows.

“I’m wiped. This feels like the longest week ever.”

“Right? I’m so ready for a week at home. Kaden texted a little bit ago to ask what day we’re flying back. I should tell him Saturday, right?” Bria asks, pulling her hair back into a messy bun. I got the same text, but I haven’t responded yet.

“I think that’s what my dad said at least.”

I wish I was excited to go back to New York, but I’m not. I told my dad I wanted to dip my toe in the water, so I asked if I could go to work with him for a few days. It took some convincing, but I figured if I’m already going to be home, why not start getting used to what lies ahead for me?

“So where did Ash and JJ go? I’m surprised you’re not with them,” Bria says.

I flop down on the couch, staring at the ceiling as my head spins, trying to put the pieces together still. “I’m not sure where they went. JJ isn’t responding.”

Where would they have gone?

“Is everything okay?” she asks, hesitating, which is so unlike Bria, it only further confirms my suspicion everything is not okay.

“I don’t know,” I admit, wishing I knew the right questions to ask so I did know.

I’m not sure I know anything at all anymore.

~

Bria left a little bit ago to stay the night at the guys’ house, and I finally heard back from JJ. He asked if he could come over so we could talk, which has only made me spiral while I wait because I don’t know what to expect.

There’s a knock on the front door, and I spring to my feet, moving quickly to flip the lock and open the door before he can disappear again.

JJ’s standing there, his hands in his pockets, looking as worn as I feel. “I think I’ll have to thank your dad for getting this automatic lock,” he says, trying to joke, but there’s nothing funny about the blatant fear lurking in his eyes.

“I’ll let him know you like it,” I say, stepping back to let him in, the questions I’ve come up with over the past few hours running through my mind at lightning speed.

I sit down on the couch, but JJ doesn’t sit next to me, instead choosing to hover before sitting on the other end of the couch, out of reach. What is JJ so afraid of? Was I right to spiral?

JJ stares at his hands, and I shift, restless from the silent tension in the air. I tug at my necklace, twisting the diamond pendant between my fingers.

“ Amore mio , you’re making me nervous,” I say, and he turns to look at me, revealing the unshed tears shining in his eyes. “Hey, whatever it is, I-I’m sure it’s fine,” I stammer, and he exhales, shaking his head.

“You’re going to hate me, and I’m selfishly not ready for the way you look at me to change.”

How could he ever think I’d hate him?

“JJ—”

“Sweetheart, I love you. I’ll understand if you don’t believe anything I’ve said to you after I tell you, but you have to know I’ve never lied about my feelings for you.

I’ve loved you since before all of this,” he says, faltering as he wipes his eyes.

“And I can only hope you’ll let me love you after.

I’m sorry, Marley. I’m so fucking sorry. ”

I want to move closer to him, hold his hand to reassure him there’s nothing he could say to change that, but JJ obviously sat on the other end of the couch for a reason.

I feel my own tears pool and I wait for JJ to continue, and it slips into my mind these may be our last moments before everything changes.

JJ’s gaze returns to his hands. “I went to a meeting earlier. I just listened, but they were talking about the steps, the first one is admitting you’re powerless. I am, and I hate that I am. I wish I was better and stronger, but I’m just . . . I’m not.”

Why does this sound familiar?

“Meeting?” I ask, the question slipping out of my mouth before I can stop it.

His hands brace on the back of his neck as his large frame coils with tension. “For addicts.”

“But you’re not an addict?”

“Except I am.”

“What?”

My entire world shifts on its axis, and I stare at JJ, dumbfounded, my brain struggling to process the information. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t this. This doesn’t make any sense?

He can’t be . . . but maybe, it does make sense. This is the final piece of the puzzle I’ve failed to fit together, the edges not lining up until now.

Oh my god.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Marley,” he repeats, the words propelling me into motion. I move closer to JJ, erasing the space between us to wrap my arms around his torso, feeling his body tremble. “I’m trying. I promise I am.”

How did this happen?

Except, I don’t need to ask the question to know the answer because it’s so glaringly obvious. It was the injury to JJ’s knee. That’s what he meant earlier when he said I wouldn’t be the way I am.

It was the same for my mom. She injured her shoulder, and instead of taking time off to recover, she tried to push through with the pills a doctor prescribed for her until it was too late.

I bet if I asked JJ, he’d confirm that his doctor prescribed the pills, but the truth is, all I care about is that he doesn’t take any more of them.

If anyone should have realized what was going on with JJ, it’s me. Maybe my first instinct should be to leave, but I know what it’s like to love an addict, and because of that, I know it’s possible for them to change.

“It’s okay,” I say, pressing a gentle kiss to the side of his head, my heart racing in my chest. “It’s not your fault.”

“Isn’t it?” he asks, his voice cracking. “I should have stopped taking them sooner. It was just . . . it was nice to have a break from everything, to not feel anything at all. I’m sorry.”

It was a perfect storm brewing inside him.

“Oh, JJ,” I whisper, rubbing his back, wracking my brain for the right thing to say.

“I haven’t taken any since Tuesday, but I almost made it a month before then.

I don’t want to be like this anymore. I know you deserve better than to have another addict in your life.

I want to get better, so even if this means you hate me now, I need you to know I’m trying to be the man you thought I was.

I’m trying to be someone worthy of being loved by you. ”

Tuesday morning is when Bailey called, and JJ went off the deep end, only I didn’t realize until now how far he fell. If I’m understanding correctly, he was clean before Tuesday, which explains the change I noticed in him.

I feel my tears slide down my cheeks, as I close my eyes, resting my head against JJ’s.

“I could never hate you. I’m not leaving you.

You’re sick and you need help, but you’re going to get better,” I reassure him, swallowing the lump in my throat as I run countless moments through my head.

“One day at a time, okay? You’re going to get better. ”

“Do you really believe that?” JJ asks, and the vulnerability shining in his question makes my heart threaten to shatter completely.

“I do,” I say, because the alternative is unthinkable.