Page 21 of Before You (Reckless Love #2)

CHAPTER TWELVE

Marley

I WAS WRONG before when I thought I knew what heartbreak felt like. It hurt knowing JJ withheld the truth from me, but what I felt then is nothing even remotely close to what I feel now, seeing JJ fall apart because of the burden he shoulders for his family.

I can’t even put myself in his shoes to understand what this feels like for him, and I hate I haven’t asked sooner how he’s doing. I’ve been punishing him for a crime that wasn’t his to repent for.

JJ’s whole body is shaking, but I don’t let go.

I couldn’t just watch as he started to spiral, and I didn’t know what to do.

He was hyperventilating, looking as if he was trying to disappear into himself.

This big, strong, beautiful man is falling apart in front of me, and the only thing I could think to do was hold him, because I have a feeling this never happens.

Our conversations have helped me realize he’s the type of person who is always there for other people, and never for himself.

I feel guilty for adding to the weight he carries, but everything before now doesn’t matter. I can be there for him now.

We’ve shifted from me sitting in his lap to me leaning against the couch as he trembles in my arms, his head pressed into the crook of my neck. I can feel JJ’s hot tears against my skin, and I rub his back in circles, despite his shirt being drenched in sweat.

How long was he running before he ended up at my door?

I was surprised and a little confused to see JJ, until I saw the pain he was poorly concealing. It was the way JJ looked at me like I was the oxygen he desperately needed to breathe, his emerald gaze combing over me with a hunger causing my heart to race in my chest.

I could tell something was wrong, and despite him trying to leave, every logical part of my brain was begging me to make him stay.

His hands are clutching my shirt with an unwavering grip, and I hum quietly under my breath, willing to try anything to help him calm down. It doesn’t take long for the desired effect to take place, and JJ’s breathing slows, his head shifting to rest on my chest.

I don’t mind the slight smell of salt clinging to him, or the heaviness of his weight on top of me. I’m not going anywhere. I rest my chin on his dark hair, closing my eyes as I focus on the steady rise and fall of JJ’s chest.

I’m afraid to even think the question, but the glimpse I saw of the hurricane raging inside of JJ tonight makes me wonder if anyone’s taking care of him the way he takes care of everyone else?

I want to help JJ carry some of the burden on his shoulders—I don’t think I’m afraid of wanting to be the one to take care of JJ anymore. I’m not sure in what capacity it would be, but I’m tired of fighting the desire to have him in my life.

He makes me happy, and all I want to do is make him happy in return.

~

I wake to the vibration of my phone next to my head on the couch, pulling me from a sleep I hadn’t realized I’d drifted into. Reaching for it carefully, JJ inhales deeply in his sleep, and I hear the rain coming down outside.

“Hello?” I whisper, wishing I looked first to see who was calling. I don’t want to wake JJ up over nothing.

“Yo, can you come pick me up from the library? It’s pouring out, and I really don’t feel like walking back in the rain,” Bria says, and I look down at JJ, still peacefully asleep as he’s sprawled out over me.

His dark hair is falling onto his forehead, and I’m noticing just how long his lashes are.

I haven’t given myself the chance to really look at how handsome he is, because once I start, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop.

The other thing I notice are the bags under his eyes, and I wonder how much he’s sleeping.

“Um, I think so. I just . . .” I trail off, hating the idea of waking him up, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to get out from underneath him.

“Are you masturbating?” she asks, and if it were anyone else, I’d be surprised by the question.

I comb my fingers through JJ’s soft dark locks, unable to resist the temptation.

I remember what it was like to twist the strands through my fingers as he kissed me sweetly.

Would JJ still be gentle, or would he devour me with the same intensity he stared at me with earlier?

“No? Why is that the first thing your mind goes to?”

“Why else are you whispering?”

I’m really not sure how the two correlate, but I’m afraid to ask.

“Because you woke me up from a nap.” It sounds better than the real answer anyway.

Oh, I’m whispering because the guy I’m still in love with just cried himself to sleep in my arms, and then I also fell asleep.

Bria’s team JJ all the way. She might freak out if she finds out he’s here, and I don’t think he’ll want anyone else to see him like this.

“Still doesn’t explain the whispering,” Bria presses, refusing to let it go. “Unless you’re not alone . . .” she guesses, waiting for me to deny it, but I can’t. “Holy shit, Marley. You’re not alone! Who are you with?”

“It’s not what you think,” I whisper, freezing when JJ shifts, his arms tightening around me before he relaxes again.

Bria laughs, seeing right through my bullshit. “Okay, so if it’s not what I think, then who’s with you?”

I sigh, sweeping his hair gently out of his handsome face. “JJ.”

She fucking squeals, and I have to move the phone away from my ear to keep from going deaf. “I knew it! I fucking knew once you gave him a chance, you’d realize JJ’s the right guy for you. I know why you were being stubborn, but I’m so damn happy, I think I might cry.”

“Bria, we’re not together. We’re just . . .” I don’t know what to say because I genuinely don’t know. I just got out of a relationship, and I know it shouldn’t matter whether it’s JJ or not, but it feels wrong to want someone so quickly after.

“Oh,” she says. “I mean, that’s okay too. You know, I don’t think I need you to pick me up. I see one of my friends, so I’ll ask them for a ride. Maybe we’ll wait out the rain here just to give you some more time alone.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ll leave no—”

“Nope, don’t you dare,” Bria says, hanging up before I can protest.

I peer down at JJ again as I comb my fingers through his hair.

JJ’s green eyes open on their own accord, and I jolt in surprise.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to scare you,” he says, but it doesn’t make the fluttering in my chest slow.

I reluctantly remove my hands from JJ’s hair as he peels his body from mine, and it feels wrong to not have him pressed against me.

My cheeks flush when JJ stretches, his shirt tugging up to reveal a sliver of his tanned skin, teasing the muscles underneath.

Holy muscle— I sit up, forcing myself to look at his face because I shouldn’t be staring at his body, especially after earlier.

His eyes are swollen from crying, giving me a firm reminder he’s here as a friend.

“How long have you been awake?” I ask, clearing my throat.

His gaze flickers a different direction, and his cheeks pink. “I’m, um, a light sleeper. I started waking up when you answered, but I wasn’t fully awake until you said my name.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Can you really blame me? Mar, you were running your fingers through my hair while I rested my head on your . . . chest. It was nice.”

I laugh in disbelief, shaking my head at JJ. “You are such a guy. I promise, a pillow would be much more comfortable than my boobs.”

“Think whatever you want, but if I had to pick between a pillow and boobs, boobs would win every single damn time, no matter how much I might love pillows.” JJ smiles at me, and it’s such a drastic change from the broken expression on his face earlier before he fell apart, I’m hesitant to believe it.

I suspect he’s putting on a front, and I don’t want JJ to feel like he has to with me.

“Yeah? How much experience do you have with them to answer so confidently?” I ask, playing along for a minute. It’s still pouring outside, and the last thing I want to do is spook him into running away.

“None at all,” JJ answers, and the ease in his body language as he tilts his head causes mine to spin.

I hate that I doubt whether he’s telling the truth, but the idea seems so preposterous, it can’t possibly be true.

I know Bria said Asher told her JJ hasn’t even looked at another girl, and Trent echoed something similar.

Maybe I’m looking for reasons not to give in to whatever it is I feel for JJ, but I’ve seen JJ talk to other girls myself.

“Are you hungry? I have to use the restroom, but there’s plenty of cookies in the cupboard by the microwave if you want any,” I blurt out, deflecting because now I really do have to pee, but I’m also going to take the few minutes I’ll be in the bathroom to collect my thoughts.

It’s only after I’m washing my hands I remember the cookies probably aren’t edible, and I’d really prefer to not poison JJ with my awful attempt at baking. I open the door, stepping out to see him putting the lid on the container holding the cookies.

“Wait!”

He startles, turning to look at me confused. “What’s wrong?”

“Don’t eat the cookie. I’m awful at baking, and I’m pretty sure they suck,” I say, and JJ raises his dark eyebrows skeptically, taking a bite. I cringe when it takes him a moment to bite through the cookie, and I hold my breath, waiting to see if he drops dead.

JJ’s slow to swallow, and I regret ever keeping the cookies in the first place. “Wow,” he says, coughing, and I move to grab a glass to fill with water. JJ drains the glass, but a stray drip escapes the corner of his mouth, dribbling down his strong jaw to his neck before he wipes it away.

He clears his throat, and I think my entire body is redder than a tomato. “So what kind of cookie was that?” JJ asks, and I wish I could hide in the bathroom.

“It was supposed to be chocolate chip.”

“Oh,” he says, nodding his head thoughtfully.