Page 74 of Beautiful Trauma
“Oh, my friend, I was just about to ask the same. Yoga pants. Wine. Book. I’m dying in this place.”
By some miracle, I kept my shit together until I let myself in my apartment. Jess was home on a rare Saturday night. She whistled when she saw my suit, but it turned into an anguished gasp when she saw my face.
“Looks like I’ll be kicking his ass after all,” Jess said.
I burst into tears and dropped onto the couch beside her, crying my heartache against her shoulder. “Hurts so bad, Jess.” She wrapped her arms around me tighter, letting me cry until there was nothing left but dry, wracking sobs.
“It gets better,” she whispered against my hair.
I wished I could believe her, but I didn’t think this pain would ever go away.
REGINA HAD BEEN DISAPPOINTED INme when I told her what happened, but she had also been kind. “This would be so much easier if you were already a tenured professor.”
“I know,” I’d said with a resigned sigh. “I realize that tenure at UC might be off the table in the future, but there are other universities.” Regina had narrowed her eyes. “My mom has a lot of connections at Xavier, and I’m sure she wouldn’t mind making some introductions.”
“You’re willing to leave the university for Henry?”
“I am.”
Regina asked me to take the rest of the weekend to think about what I really wanted before I took irreparable actions. I didn’t need to think; I knew what I wanted.Henry.I agreed to her request because she deserved my respect, and not because I thought my relationship with Henry was over. There was no way in hell we were finished.
“It’s not just about what you want,” Regina had said, accurately reading my expression. “Did you read the essay Henry wrote when he applied for the teacher’s assistant position?”
“No. I wasn’t aware an essay was required.”
“I had reservations when you suggested we hire undergrads as teaching assistants and decided to implement additional processes to make sure the best candidates were chosen. Each student was required to submit a written essay about their chosen career field, and I used their essays as the deciding factor on who I hired.” Regina had leveled a reproachful gaze at me. “One allegation I cannot make against you is that Henry was hired because of your recommendation. I hired Henry because the words he wrote kept me up all night long, alternating between tears of sorrow and tears of pride for a young man I’d never met. He titled the essayBeautiful Trauma, and I now know who one of his heroes is.” Through my tears, I saw Regina rapidly blinking to fight hers off. “What you want matters to me, Ezra, but not more than what Henry wants. I’m going to email the essay to you when I get home, even though I shouldn’t. I want you to read it and think about what he’s risking. The best outcome we can hope for Henry is academic probation, but he could lose any credit hours he earned based on your influence. Right now, I don’t think that’s many.”
“It’s none,” I’d countered. “His grades in my class weren’t that good because I was especially hard on him.”
“That’s not a confession I wish to hear. It’s a potential lawsuit against the university should Henry decide your involvement harmed his grades too.” Regina had taken a deep breath. “You could lose your job, Ezra. I will go to bat for you, but there are no guarantees in this climate. Even if you keep your job, you will lose respect among some of your colleagues and students. I need you to really think this over before you meet me on Monday morning.”
“I will.”
After I left the party, I’d wanted to drive to Henry’s apartment and begin patching things up between us, but I went home instead. I didn’t need to reconsider my decision, because I knew it was the best one. True to her word, Regina emailed a copy of the essay to me along with the welcome news that she’d received a resignation letter from Pres that went into effect immediately. That was one less thing Henry and I would have to worry about when we returned to school. I took my tablet out on the balcony Henry loved so much and read the words Henry had bled onto the page.
He started off his essay by briefly describing his strict upbringing and controlling parents and how it impacted his decision-making skills as a young person finding freedom for the first time without any knowledge of the risks he faced. My heart shattered as he described sitting in a clinic with his friend Geoff, who held his hand when a doctor told him the bad cold he couldn’t shake was actually the early onset symptoms of HIV. I already knew about the fight he’d had with his mother, but it didn’t soften the blow when I read the words.
“Who would love me if my own mother couldn’t? I thought I’d lost my will to live and my worthiness of love. Somehow, I kept putting one foot in front of the other, and it led me to Ryan’s Place where Esther waited for me with a hug and Archie inspired me to use my heartache to help others. Then I met Maria, who became the mother we all wished we had. I kept putting one foot in front of the other, grateful for the people who loved me along the way. Then I met him—the man who changed how I viewed myself because of the way he saw me.
“Where I saw weakness, he saw strength. Where I saw trauma, he saw beauty. Where I saw negative equity, he saw worth. Millions of people are walking around not realizing that their personal trauma may be a part of them, but it doesn’t have to define them. I want to work with kids who find themselves in situations like mine. With guidance and love, I can help turn their trauma into something beautiful too.”
If Regina thought reading Henry’s words would change my mind, she was wrong. It made me want to double down on my efforts to prove I was worthy of his love and help him achieve his dreams. I tossed and turned all night, forming a plan. I not only had to come up with the world’s best grand gesture, I needed to find a way to protect Henry’s academic career. I could do both with one phone call, and I did it before the sun fully rose.
“Ezra, it’s not even seven o’clock yet,” Mom sleepily said when she answered the phone.
“I need to hire your legal skills,” I told her.
“Are you in trouble?” Mom said, going from annoyed mother to mama bear on high alert in a heartbeat.
“What’s going on?” I heard Dad ask sleepily. “Is everything okay?”
“I’m fine,” I said.
“He said he’s fine, Paul,” Mom told Dad.
“I’m more worried about Henry, Mom. I have a meeting on Monday morning with the department chair to formally admit to my involvement with Henry.”
“I’ll represent you both,” Mom said. “What time shall I be there?”