Page 24 of Beautiful Trauma
“That’s my burden, not yours.” Jess’s sad smile made my heart ache; her words made me want to pick up a sword and slay all the monsters who’d hurt her. “You’ve found a guy who obviously cares about you.”
“It’s not like that,” I said, shaking my head.
“The hell it isn’t,” Jess countered.
“I’m serious, Jess. I can’t allow myself to think Ezra could ever be mine.”
Jess flopped on our ancient sofa and patted the cushion beside her. “Tell me why, Hen.”
I sat beside her and said, “I wouldn’t know where to start.”
“At the beginning,” she encouraged.
So I did. By the time our food arrived, Jess was fully caught up on everything that had happened between Ezra and me. I accepted the bags from the delivery guy and confirmed Ezra had covered the tip.
“The food smells fucking delicious,” Jess said when I set the food on the table. She immediately unpacked the cartons, unshyly accepting part of a gift I collected from someone else. “This is better than Christmas.”
We had homemade chicken and noodle soup, delicious salads made with crisp vegetables, rolls, and raspberry lemon cheesecake. It was the best meal I’d had in a week.
“I don’t buy it,” Jess said around a bite of cheesecake. “This,” she said, pointing to the empty containers, “isn’t the act of someone who is trying to make themselves feel better about upsetting you. One or both of you are in denial.”
“Eat your dessert and hush,” I teased. I couldn’t afford to let myself believe there was more to Ezra’s actions. Too bad my subconscious wasn’t on board because I dreamed of straddling his lap while he fed me bites of what I suspected was his favorite dessert. The next morning, I relived my favorite fantasy of Ezra in the shower and wondered how in the hell I could meet him in his office without staring at his desk and getting a boner.
IFOUND MYSELF LOOKING FORWARDto meeting with Henry regarding his future more than I should have, but there was no denying the excitement humming through my body. Since leaving his apartment forty-four hours ago, I’d replayed our conversation in my head at least two dozen times. It took several trips down memory lane before I stopped reaching for my dick and started paying attention to something other than the sexual push and pull between us, and when I did, I realized what puzzled me about Henry.
His determination to take charge of his life felt desperate with a twist of reckless thrown in for good measure. Henry’s desire to be in control seemed at odds with his natural submissive inclinations. He had relished the ways I took care of him after sex and melted beneath my pampering touch, but that wasn’t the man who stood in front of me the previous night or the week before during our bathroom confrontation. Was Henry having an identity crisis, or did he think he had to suppress his leanings to succeed in life? What he needed to know, and what I was dying to teach him, was that he could be both submissive and assertive. There would be times he needed to stand tall and not back down and others when he could let his guard down and place himself in his lover’s hands. I wanted to be the one to guide him, but it wasn’t to be.
He’d astutely noticed that my determination to resist getting romantically involved with him came from a more personal place than professional ethics. His curiosity had shone in his eyes, but he never pushed me. Even if the student-teacher conflict didn’t exist, I wasn’t the guy for him. I had too much baggage dragging me down, and I wouldn’t want to subject him to it.
Knock. Knock.
“Come in,” I said.
The door eased open, and Henry poked his head around. “Is now still a good time?”
“Of course,” I said, waving him in. “I would’ve emailed you if something came up.”Something other than my erection every time I think of you.
Henry pushed the door fully open and stepped inside. “Do you want the door open or shut?”
Leaving the door open would’ve been the wisest decision, which was why I said, “You can close it.” With Henry came his intoxicating, fresh scent, and I tried to inhale it without giving myself away. “You look much better.” Henry’s skin still looked too pale for June, but the dark circles were much improved, and his stained-glass eyes looked sharp and focused.
Henry set his backpack on the floor then sat in the chair across from my desk. “I’m feeling much better. Thank you for the delicious meal you sent over. Jessie and I enjoyed it.”
I noticed the slight way Henry’s lips trembled when he said his roommate’s name. “You think you’re funny, don’t you?”
Henry shrugged then said, “Sometimes.”
“You and Jessie are both welcome.”
Henry reached down and pulled a binder out of his backpack and set it on my desk. “She also appreciated the four new tires on her car, even if she was confused how they came to be there. Four new tires, Ezra. Really?”
“I don’t—”
“Nope,” Henry said firmly. “Whatever happened to us being brutally honest with each other, even if it makes us uncomfortable?”
“Fine. I replaced all four tires on Jessie’s car.”
“I’m embarrassed I didn’t realize the extent of your generosity last week. I thought you’d only replaced the damaged tire.”