Page 20 of Atone

My fingers shake as I turn the key, and I don’t wait to press the gas as he starts to stand. With one eye on therearview mirror, I watch Oxy disappear in the plume of dust. There’s a warning in his eyes before he’s swallowed up in the night.

It isn’t until I hit pavement that I loosen my hold and finally take a breath.

Did that really just happen?

Oxy never struck me as the prince-charming type, but I didn’t expect that side of him. I’m usually better at reading people.

I run my fingers through my hair, barely seeing the blur of lights on the road as I speed down it.

It’s not the first time I’ve been called a slut. And even if Oxy didn’t use that word specifically, he insinuated it. Not only that, he made it sound like Marco is the one spreading the rumor that I’ll sleep with anyone. It’s almost laughable considering I refused to sleep with him.

I’ve been trying to play nice, but I’m ready to set this bridge between me and Marco up in flames.

My grip on the steering wheel tightens, and before I know it, I’m across town. I drive past the dorm, not bothering to lie to myself about where I’m going. Not asking myselfwhy.

I pull my car to a stop under a streetlamp in the mostly empty parking lot. The few cars sprinkled around belong to the night shift. Releasing the steering wheel, I tip my head back and take a deep breath.

“I’m sorry I’m failing you, Remi,” I whisper to the night.

To myself.

No one else is ever really listening.

Flexing my fingers, I see Oxy’s blood still flecking my skin, so I wipe it on my jeans. The spots feel like fire burning into me.

When my hands are finally clean, I turn my head to look out the window, scanning Montgomery Psychiatric Ward. It’s the one place I shouldn’t be right now, and the only place that makes sense to me.

The tall building is lit by the moon, drawing out every crevice in the brick. I count the windows until I reach the fifth floor, knowing that’s where Alex’s room is. I scan the windows, freezing when I see him.

Alex is sitting in the window seat facing out into the night. The moon lights his face, revealing his stare focused down at my car.

I should leave.

If not for Patience’s sake, then for Alex’s. He doesn’t need more complications in his life. One more mess that could rip him apart.

So why do I find myself getting out of the car instead? Why do I find myself crossing the parking lot?

It’s a warm night. Summer’s teasing me again. Still, I rub my arms like they’re cold because goose bumps prickle my skin. Without looking up, I know Alex is watching me.

Probably wondering what the fuck I’m doing here.

6

TIES

MILA

The psychiatric wardis eerie this late at night. It’s an ice box with the air conditioner pumping at full blast through the vents, sending a shiver up my stiff spine.

I barely notice the few people I pass as I walk the halls, still in a haze from what happened outside the carnival with Oxy. An equal mix of shame and rage battle it out in my chest as I replay his hands pinning me to the car.

Is it my fault?

I’ve let everyone here think I’m weak.Easy. Someone they wouldn’t suspect, so I could get past their defenses. I let them take bits and pieces of my dignity to hide in plain sight. But that doesn’t mean they’re owed what I’m not willing to offer.

Fuck him.

The nurse barely glances up at me as I pass the nurses’ station on Alex’s floor. It’s well past visiting hours, but she doesn’t say anything.