Page 137 of Atone

They lift her when the gurney rolls into the kitchen, and one of her arms hangs limp at her side. I grab her hand, refusing to let her go as they roll her to the ambulance out front. There’s still warmth in her skin, and it’s all that tethers me here.

“Stay with me.”

People and sounds blur as the paramedics lead Mila to the ambulance.

I climb inside after her, not letting her go. It’s a mess of wires and needles. They slice her sweatshirt down the front.

Her skin is too pale.

Her eyes are too empty.

“Stay with me.”

I remember death. I stared it in the face and begged it to take me. It took bites of my flesh and ran currents through my bones. I tasted its final breath. Death and I were friends until it sent me back here.

I remember death—it was relief. I knew someday I’d be here again, and I would welcome it with open arms. I’d savor the end. Because death would be here for me.

Not her.

“Stay with me.”

It’s my last shred of hope as the paramedic flicks on the heart monitor and a flat line stares back.

44

WHAT IT MEANT TO ME

ALEX

The clouds partwhen Mila’s eyes open. Like the whole world decides to wake with her. Sunshine breaks through a rainy summer day to welcome her back.

I thought there was no getting closer to death than when I faced it at my trial, but that paled in comparison to watching Mila cross over that line. For the first time in my life, defeat had its nasty fingers around my neck.

I’d never known silence until it was broken with a single beat of Mila’s heart, returning sound to the world.

Returning her to me.

“Welcome back, angel.” I smile, brushing her hair off her face.

Her eyelids flutter as she turns her head to face me. Her green eyes are hazy. Her cheeks are drained of color. But she’s here.

“Alex.” Her voice is hoarse and barely sounds like her. “What happened? I thought I was gone.”

“You’re back. That’s all that matters.”

“Did I—” She swallowsthe question.

“Just please don’t ever do that to me again.” My heart jumps to my throat at the thought of it.

A weak smile crawls up in the corner of her mouth. “And spare you a little heartache to keep you on your toes? Not a chance.”

“You think you’re funny now, huh?” I tuck her hair behind her ear. “Joke all you want. You’re not leaving this world without me.”

She swallows hard, and I think it sinks in for both of us at the same time. How close she came to death. How I wouldn’t have survived if she hadn’t come back.

I grind that thought down. “We don’t need to think about that. I’m here. Always.”

Tears brim her eyes. “Promise?”