Page 92 of All I Have Left

She touches her hands to my chest, palms flat, my thumping pulse beneath the heat of hers.

She lifts her eyes to mine. “Seven years ago tonight, this stopped beating.” Emotion clogs my throat and I struggle to swallow.

There’s that fucking crack again. “And I told myself if it ever started again, I would never take one second with you for granted. So I’m sorry.

I know why you went there. For the same reason I did.

I just… I wished you would have told me first.” Her chin shakes, her eyes glossy.

“And went on a different day. This is Taliyah’s day now.

We both agreed to that when she was born.

No more looking at this day with anger or sadness. It’s a new beginning. Remember?”

“Today is why I did it,” I tell her, leaning into the wall behind her.

There’s laughter and kids screaming all around us, but we’re locked in our own world, trapped in a moment we can’t escape.

“I think I needed to see his face, to remind myself what evil looked like. There’s no remorse in his eyes, no care as to what he took from us. ”

“Did you really think he would have remorse?”

“No, but I needed that reminder.”

“Why? What did seeing his face do for you?”

I chew on my lip. I struggle with the words longer. “Confront your demons.”

She searches my eyes, blinking in disbelief. “Is this about that dream you had where your ripped organs out? Because I don’t want to talk about that one again.”

I laugh lightly and hold onto her tighter.

“No, it’s not.” She’s right. I had that dream once and still don’t know what the fuck that was about.

I blame it on the spicy chicken I had before bed that night though.

“You have to find the core of your pain. The part that’s holding you in your past. The part holding you hostage. ”

She tips her head, as if she’s honestly curious. “What part holds you hostage?”

I raise an eyebrow, as if she should know. She creates distance between us, shifting her weight from one side to the other. “Right.” She swallows and nods. “Did it help? Seeing his face?”

“Only time will tell, but at least my last image of him isn’t you. It’s the despondent black in his soul.”

Evie presses her lips to mine. “Let go, Grayson. For me. Let go,” she whispers. “We have to let go of it.”

“That wasn’t my only reason,” I admit, taking another drink of my beer.

“What was the other?”

I shrug one shoulder and touch my hand to her cheek. “I wanted him to see that even though he tried, he didn’t succeed. I have you .”

There’s a smile on her face. A knowing one. “So this was a manly thing? She’s mine kinda thing?”

I nod and she laughs in my face.

In my damn face.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Because.” It’s her turn to shrug. “I may or may not have purposely flashed my ring and my Gomez babies in Courtney’s face earlier tonight.”

I smile and kiss her lips once. “You’re adorable when you’re jealous.”

“Hey, I had to. She’s was drooling over you and Taliyah on stage when you were dancing with her in your arms as you sang “Cry Me” and I couldn’t take it any longer.”

“I was singing for you,” I remind her.

“I know, but I expect you to be singing that to me tonight in bed while we do very naughty things. Like a scene out of Dirty Dancing ,” she whispers in my ear.

“That movie was hardly naughty.” I laugh watching her face light up with excitement. “But does that mean Stevie’s sleeping in her own bed tonight?”

“I’m kicking her ass out. Mama needs some naughty time.” She runs her hands down my chest, suggestively. “And hearing you tonight, yep, I need it.”

Though Evie has good intentions of kicking our baby out, she says this all the time and we’re a sucker for Stevie.

All she has to do is bat her pretty dark lashes at us and everyone in our family melts for her.

Blonde curls, bright curious green eyes and a beaming mischievous smile, she has us all brain washed.

Which is why she’s two and still sleeps in our bed.

Speaking of the little bed stealer, she’s at our feet crying over cake. “I have some? Pease ?”

Evie immediately forgets she promised me sex and tends to our daughter.

Told you she’s spoiled.

With Stevie holding one of her hands, Evie makes her way to Taliyah.

Enthralled in her every move, I watch Taliyah, holding hands with Gabe, the boy she says she’s going to marry someday.

No matter how hard I try, those two cling to one another.

It’s a friendship now, but I can tell in their eyes, it’s more.

I should know. I’m still in love with the girl I met at four.

Kelly makes her way over to me, her son on her hip. “Have you seen my husband?”

Yep, she finally married Josh. Only because she said the tax break was better if you filled married when you have a kid. I take Roman from her and nod to the keg. “Where do you think?”

Josh is teaching Wesley to do a keg stand. He’s quite possibly the worst influence on children, but if you ever need a baby sitter, he’s there for you. “Jesus Christ,” Kelly mumbles, shaking her head. “Please tell me that’s not beer. ”

I snort and try to pry my own beer bottle from Roman’s hands. He’s a grabby baby and very much like Kelly. Doesn’t share anything. “It’s punch, I think.”

“That might be worse,” she notes, straightening her dress where her boobs are practically falling out.

I quickly look the other way. I don’t care to see my sister’s tits. “For Wes, yeah. Kid can’t handle his sugar.”

She points to Jameson who’s now asleep under a table, lying on a dirty floor. “He’s no better.”

True.

Kelly disappears and I’m left holding Roman. He smiles at me. “Hi.”

Hi is his only word. At nine months old, I’d say that’s actually pretty good. Don’t tell Kelly. She thinks he’s going to be a genius someday and brags that he’s the smartest kid in the family.

A waft of stench hits me and I realize why Kelly handed me her kid. “Roman, buddy. You stink.”

He scrunches his nose and stares at me, as if he’s asking what I’m going to do about it. I hand him off to Frankie. “Here, take him.”

She does and immediately frowns. “Grayson. You did that on purpose.”

Ignoring her, I turn to Taliyah and scoop her up. She cackles, her laughter infections and music to my ears. “I got you something.”

I set her down and she picks her wedgie out in front of everyone. “Can I open it?”

I wait for Evie to come over and together we hand her the guitar. “I was your age when I got my first guitar.”

Taliyah’s eyes light up and I remember Evie sitting on the counter in my parent’s house, clinging to my body the day we found out she was pregnant with Taliyah. Watching my daughter tear open that box and seeing the pure excitement on her face, I’m reminded of the promise I made to Evie.

“I love you, daddy,” Taliyah cries, holding me tighter .

My eyes meet Evie’s, smiling at me holding our daughter.

I made a vow, right then and there in the midst of a bar and way too much fucking pink.

Seven years ago I died. At least part of me did.

But seven years ago is where this had to end.

I had to stop searching for answers because I wouldn’t get them.

Today would never be about Shane again. And not for my own sense of whatever.

It wasn’t closure. It selfish, in part. I don’t regret it, but in that moment with Taliyah, the second she lunges herself at me, wrapping her arms snug around my neck and squealing with joy, that’s when it hits me. I don’t need closure.

I have forever and always.