Page 65 of All I Have Left

GRAYSON

“ D o you want to take a shower?”

“Are you asking to take one with me?” I snort, adjusting my gown and clicking the remote obsessively through the channels. It’s my only source of entertainment. “Stop trying to peek.”

“Ha. No.” Leigha rolls her eyes at the television flickering from one show to the next. “I’m not that kind of nurse either. I have better things to do than bath you. And stop doing that with the channels. You’re going to give yourself a seizure with all that movement.”

“Uh huh. I saw you checking out my ass earlier.” I keep clicking the remote to annoy her.

“Bull crap you did.” She winks. We both know she did. “I can have Lorain come by. She seems to like you.”

Now it’s my turn to roll my eyes. “No thanks.”

Leigha rips the remote from my hand and glares. “You need to shower.”

I narrow my eyes at her, trying to take the remote back but it’s a weak attempt. “Are you saying I stink?”

“Yeah, I am.”

I reach for the remote once more only to regret it when a wave of dizziness hits me. “I’m not having a nurse help me. I can do it.”

“No you can’t.” Leigha’s shoulders lift as she slowly shakes her head, taking pity on me once more for being helpless.

“Yesterday you got dizzy going to the bathroom and fell into the wall. And now again.” She gestures to me staring at the ceiling.

I scowl deeper but it does nothing. She’s used to my attitude these days.

Everyone is. “You either let Lorain help you take one, or Evie can.”

“That sounds like a better plan. Do not call that lady again.”

Leigha points a finger at me. “No funny business in there.”

Craning my neck, I turn to stare at her. “Where’s the fun in that?”

Laughter falls from her lips. “You’re in no shape to be using your rocket ship.”

I hate being in here. Absolutely despise every minute spent in this bed for reasons like this.

You say shit when you’re high and these fucking nurses remember all the details.

I lay my head back down on the pillow, relieving the tension in my head at the movement.

“Forget everything I’ve told you while under the influence. ”

She grins, too wide, too amused. “I can’t. Some things are burned into my brain forever.”

“What’s with you and Dr. Nehls?” I ask, wanting to change the subject away from me.

“Don’t change the subject.”

“I’m just saying, you’re awfully flirty with him.” I don’t actually care if she’s with him, or whatever they are but the more I distract her, the closer I get to the remote. The mention of Dr. Nehls always puts her guard down.

Her eyes lift from mine to the door, and then back to mine. Evie walks through the door and choose then to yank the remote from Leigha’s hand and shove it under the blanket.

Leigha snorts. “Do you honestly think I won’t get that?”

“No, you probably will because you’re inappropriate. ”

Evie smiles, stepping toward me with two coffees in her hand. They won’t let me drink caffeine. Something about pressure in my head and I don’t give a fuck. She hands Leigha the other coffee. “Is he being nice to you today?”

Leigha forces a smile. “He’s a peach today.”

Evie leans in, her warmth, her scent, it’s overwhelming. I grab a hold of her tank top and fist it in my hand. “She thinks I need to shower.”

Setting her coffee aside, Evie lets out a giggle, her hand on my scruffy jaw. “I can help.”

I don’t say anything because the idea that she wants to help me is overwhelming, exciting and terrifying.

My breathing picks up as Leigha goes through everything to be careful of while soapy and wet.

My inability to stand on my own for very long.

My nausea when twisting my body, the dizziness, the sudden onset of excruciating pain my head.

All things I go through every single day.

While I’m distracted by imagining Evie naked, Leigha takes the remote again. She holds it out of my reach. “You’ll get this back when you’re nice again.”

Evie laughs. “You might be waiting a while, Leigha.”

She smiles, twirling the remote in her hand. “Oh, he better be or I’m calling Lorain in here.”

Lorain is a nurse with Dolly Parton tits and finds way too much pleasure in helping me take sponge baths. Believe me when I say there’s nothing attractive about Lorain, unless you find Danny DaVito attractive because I’m pretty sure they’re related.

Evie and Leigha help me out of the bed and to the bathroom attached to my room. “No getting your head wet,” Leigha tells us, her hand on the door.

I almost laugh at the dual meaning. Twisting my head, I glare at her. “Go away.”

Inside the bathroom, Evie turns on the shower and hands me a towel Leigha gave her. “How much help do you want? ”

Nervousness roots inside me. I’ve been here over a month and this is my first real shower.

I have no clue how the water will feel on my overly sensitive skin.

Touch isn’t even welcome most days. The weight of my gown irritates me other days.

“I don’t know,” I mumble, slipping the gown off my shoulders and letting it fall to my feet.

I’m naked in front of her for the first time since I ended up here.

Evie blinks rapidly, her eyes scanning me, her cheeks turning pink in the cutest way. I have no idea what I look like. Probably like shit. I haven’t once looked in the mirror, but I know I’ve lost weight and muscle.

Breathing in heavy, I lift my hand to the sink and lean into it for support.

Evie organizes the shampoo and soap, the room filling with steam. Reaching into the shower, she tests the water with her hand. “It’s warm.”

“I don’t think I need shampoo,” I tease. Not only do I only have a stubble on my head, I can’t get it wet.

“Oh, right.” Her eyes snap to the bottle. “I forgot.” She snatches the bottle and stands stick straight, as if she doesn’t know what to do next. “Ready?”

My lips quirk at her nervousness. Without words, I take a step into the shower. The tile is cool on my feet but the water is welcoming. It hits my back first and though I want to see how it feels on my face, I resist knowing I can’t get my incision wet yet.

Evie runs her hand over my shoulder when I don’t move for over a minute. “Are you okay?”

I nod, slightly, holding onto the wall in the shower, a wave of heat rolling through me. My heart beats like crazy. It’s not the water or being up moving around, it’s the one beside me, touching me, being there when I need her the most. Our eyes meet, my lips lift at the corners. “I’m a mess.”

“You’re my favorite mess.” Her eyes drop lower, her cheeks red when she notices my reaction to having her touching me. It’s not the first erection she’s enticed since being in this hospital, but it’s the first she’s seen. “Looks like someone else misses me too.”

I hate that she’s going through this, with me, but thankful none the less.

Sighing, I lean my forehead into hers but I don’t kiss her.

I’ve yet to actually kiss her since I’ve been in here.

I don’t want that first kiss to be in a place where I have no control.

Instead I touch my hand to her cheek. “You have no idea.”

“No fucking in there, kids,” Leigha yells, knocking on the door.

Evie backs away, her touch leaving my body as she smiles tenderly. “I’m sorry.”

She has no idea how sorry I am. For not listening to Shane’s warning, leaving us exposed, not saving her… so many things, but most of all, I’m sorry for not being able to hold her like I want.

“Follow my finger with your eyes.”

Sweat rolls down my temples, my breathing heavy and quick. I do as Leigha says and when I complete the task, she moves onto her next question. These happen daily. What I’m not expecting is the next one.

“Everything you’re feeling is normal, Grayson.”

Anger shoots through me, settling in my stomach.

I can’t control any of it. It’s like the emotions come out of nowhere and pulsate inside me until the next one decides it’s time to take over.

And I think I know what Leigha is talking about.

Or at least, I’m assuming she’s referring to my recent outburst about my balance.

It’s frustrating to want to stand up, walk across a room like you used to, and not have to use the support of others.

I’m especially agitated today because it’s noon, and I haven’t seen Evie yet. I have these fears that one day I’m gonna wake up in the morning and she’s going to decide this is too much. I can’t, nor would I blame her if she left after this .

The worst part?

It’s no longer war that haunts me at night. It’s one vision played out repeatedly until it consumes me. From one hell to the next. I let it. I don’t know why, but I do.

That scene? Evie screaming for me. Not her being raped, though you’d think it would be. It’s the knowledge that I could not get to her. And I imagine this stems from what happened in Iraq. I couldn’t get to Matt. He begged them to stop, for me to help, and I couldn’t.

It was like that night repeated itself, but the people in it changed.

Leigha shines a light in my eyes, checking my pupils. I knock her hand out of the way. “Do you have to shine that in my fucking face so much? My eyes are fine.”

“She’s just running late,” Leigha tells me, knowing where my frustration stems from.

I lay my head back on the pillow, staring up at the ceiling. What if she’s not? What if she got in a car accident or someone attacked her? What if she fell down the stairs?

Hundreds of situations I can’t control in here run through my head. I’m a protector. That’s who I am by nature and this has taken all that from me and I’m left to depend on others. Something a guy like me hates to do.

“Did she say when she’d be here?”

Leigha tucks her stethoscope into her purple scrubs. “No. I know she mentioned she has physical therapy this morning.”