Page 1 of All I Have Left

GRAYSON

“ W hen will your parents be home?”

“Couple hours.” I set the bottle back inside the liquor cabinet. A place two eighteen-year-old kids shouldn’t be rummaging through.

Evie jumps up from her place on the couch, stumbling around the room and nails her shin on the end table. “Fuck,” she yelps, then moves closer. “Did your mom rearrange the furniture again?”

“No, it’s always been there.” Twisting my head, I look over my shoulder at her and make sure the cabinet is locked. “You okay?”

“No, come kiss it.”

I laugh, because what I wouldn’t give to trail my lips up her leg. Actually, I’ve done it before, but we’ve always stopped. Something tells me tonight is different. Moving closer, I stand before her. She stares up at me, as if she’s waiting for me to react.

I lick my lips and tilt my head to the side. “I’ll kiss it for you, but I won’t stop at your leg, honey.” And for good measure, I wink, thinking maybe that might convince her to let me.

“You’re drunk.” Evie giggles, her hands on my chest .

“I’m not that drunk.” I smile, trying to walk us forward to my bedroom. I am, in fact, drunk. Too drunk to be alone with her.

Her hands slide from my chest to my wrists, her eyes glowing in the darkness of the night. Thunder cracks outside, a distant rumble through our bones.

“Show me then.” And then she rushes down the hall to my room, tripping twice.

Every story has a beginning and mine, if I had to pinpoint a time, it starts right then. Or, maybe it started when we were four and she showed up at my house wearing that pink dress and her blonde hair in pigtails.

Whatever the reason, I follow her into my room, unsure of what she’s doing or where this will lead. I think I know, and I certainly know where I want it to go.

Have you ever wanted something so much you can’t function when it’s actually happening? I guess that’s what it’s like for me and Evie. I’ve wanted this girl since we were kids, and though we’ve come close a few times, tonight feels different.

And it’s crazy how it manifests into something familiar.

Like I’ve been there before with her but didn’t know it.

Have you ever had that? A rapid beating of your heart, a distant thud followed by heavy breathing as your body tries to naturally react to what’s in front of you?

Or maybe that’s just me trying to make sense of what’s happening.

“Come here,” she whispers, motioning forward, her laugh slow as she sits on the edge of my bed.

Instinctively, I move toward her, wanting to drown myself in her scent.

My body is silently pleading for something more.

There’s a dryness in my throat, my palms sweaty, my lips desperate for a taste.

I don’t completely understand yet, but then again, maybe I do.

Maybe I’ve known all along this would be my reaction being this close to Evie.

I stand in front of her, looking down, waiting to see what she’s going to do next.

She reaches for my hips, her small hands sliding up underneath my T-shirt to my stomach.

A jolt of desire rushes through me like a spark.

I gasp, unprepared. “What are you doing?” My hooded eyes land on hers, curious as to where she’s going with this.

I swallow and draw in a ragged breath. I lick my lips, and wait.

“Is this okay?” she asks, peering up at me, nervousness trembling her hands. “Do you not want me to?”

I nod and step closer between her parted thighs.

“I definitely want to.” Letting go of me, she scoots back to the center of my bed.

My chest heaves with heavy breaths as I lean down.

Instinctively, I move with her until I’m on top of her.

Her skin, her body this close, it’s doing what it always does to the eighteen-year-old me.

Only now, I want more. I want everything she’s willing to give me.

She has a boyfriend. I remind myself of the fact. Yet, I don’t stop. I don’t want to because if it mattered, she wouldn’t be in my bed, she’d be in his.

“I’ve been thinking…” With her head buried in the crook of my neck, her lips pushing against my skin. She pauses, but then the words “I want you to be my first, Grayson” are carefully said.

I snort. She’s a flirty drunk and while she might be serious, she might also regret it. “I think you’re drunk,” I remind her, the sweetness of the whip cream vodka she’s been drinking escaping as she sighs at my words.

She moves her face and stares at me, her hands on my cheeks squishing my face. “I still know what I want. We’ve been messing around for years. Why not?”

Evie, she’s determined and nobody tells her what to do. Including me. And then I think about her words. My breath catches and I lift up on my elbows. “You’ve never?”

Her eyes lock with mine. “Never ever .”

I thought for sure… a girl like her, you would have thought…

okay, maybe I was wrong. I don’t say anything because I don’t know if words will come.

My shaking hand works its way over skin I’ve never had the pleasure of touching, unti l now.

At least not like this. I curve my hand around her hip and sigh.

Evie, constantly in the arms of others, she’s been off-limits for so long, I never thought this would finally happen.

Again, we’ve been messing around in the confines of my room for years, but it never had a label and I wasn’t her boyfriend.

I was just the guy who slept in the same bed as her most nights.

And the majority of people have no idea we do that.

It started long before we knew boys and girls who were friends shouldn’t sleep in each other’s beds.

I raise an eyebrow. “Do you not want me like that?”

This one earns a laugh and a nod to between our hips where I’m hard. She has to feel it because I’m so fucking hard it’s hurting. “What do you think? How many times have you fingered me?”

“A lot,” I say dramatically, my head falling to her shoulder.

She laughs and if it wasn’t so dark in the room, I know I’d see the blush of her cheeks.

My breathing kicks up, my nerves shuddering my hands from her hip to her ribs. So many times I’ve imagined this, and though my dreams often feel so real at times, I knew it would never be. Had we taken it that far, our relationship wouldn’t be the same. I’m sure of it.

Evie shifts underneath me and wraps her legs around my waist, desire written all over her face. The sky, brightened by the glow of the moon peeking through the stormy clouds, provides enough light so I can see the longing in those green eyes I love so much.

Please don’t let this change us.

Evie and I, we’ve been best friends since we were kids, but sometimes the intimacy of friendship balances precariously between platonic and romance. “You really want to do this?”

“Dude, I’m soaking wet. Of course I want this,” she says, her words absolute, her hands moving over my shoulders and then down my back, reaching for my shirt. My body jumps at her touch, unable to comprehend what’s about to happen. “And I want it to be with you .”

I let her take my shirt off. I wait. Her hands trail down my stomach to the button of my jeans, waiting for my reply. I don’t say anything.

She peers up at me, blinking slowly. “You should take these off too.”

With my thoughts all over the place, I can barely get the words out, but I know I need to. “What about Chris?”

Evie doesn’t look at me, her eyes on my chest. She takes a breath, and then lets it out as slowly, caught in thoughts she’s not sharing with me. “I don’t want him like I want you.”

That’s all I needed to hear before my mouth finds hers.

My kisses incapable of slowing, are as impatient and frenzied as hers.

I weld my mouth to hers, my tongue wildly seeking out the answer hidden between her begging and my uncertainty.

Pushing my tongue into her mouth, I know I’m being sloppy and wild in my reaction, but unable to stop. I want this too much.

I also realize I haven’t even gotten to the good stuff yet. Breaking the kiss, I work her tank top off to find her skin suddenly heated. I stare down at her. “Are you sure? I mean… this changes everything.”

“Let it change everything” leaves her lips.

“Do you know what you’re asking for?” The words fall from my lips urgently and I cover her body with mine again, pressing her into the mattress, our bare chests coming together. I find myself where I desperately want to be.

“Stop thinking so much. Just come closer,” she urges, making a low humming sound. She claws at my shoulders, refusing to allow any space between us. That sound, I feel it throughout my body as she kisses up my throat to my mouth, dragging her lips along the path to my jaw.

When our mouths meet again I shift my hips, wanting the connection.

She responds with another moan. My arms weaken their support, bringing our chests together.

Without breaking the kiss, I slide my hand over her hip, drawing her thigh and moving my legs slightly as my weight shifts forward.

My erection meets her center, and exactly where I want this to go.

I ease out of the kiss. With my eyes on hers, our movements became destined on one direction.

A path neither of us have taken together.

I don’t want to think about what happens if we go further, and by chance shit changes between us.

And for the most part, I’m not thinking that.

My thoughts are on the fact that I don’t know anything about sex, or what I’m supposed to do next.

Do I take her pants off? Should I take mine off first?

Should I wait for her to do it? Where did I put those condoms Josh gave me? My nightstand?

Fuck, stop thinking, pussy.

So I do. Well, with my brain anyway.

“Grayson….” Evie moans when I move my heavy kisses lower, over the top of her exposed breast and rocks her hips into mine.

Fuck yeah. My dick hardens, the sound nearly has me ripping her jeans off.

“Do you want to get a condom?” I whisper. “I… uh… do you?”

Jesus . I sound like a goddamn idiot.

And then I think, why am I even asking? She’s already made it clear she wants to. Pulling back, I look at her, trying to decide if what I said scared her.

“Do you have a condom?”

I nod, unable to say the words.

She shifts her hips again, her head turning toward the window, almost appearing to be looking for divine intervention before she utters the words I so desperately want to hear. “I want you.” Her eyes drift back to mine. “Inside me.”

Leaning back, the space between us fills with the cool air as the air conditioner kicks on, a distant hum pulsing through the room.

Twisting to the side, I reach for my nightstand, anxiously grasping for the condoms, all the while keeping my eyes locked with hers.

I swallow hard when she sits up on her elbows and removes her bra.

Slowly, she shimmies out of her jeans and panties, leaving herself naked before me.

I’ve never seen her naked before. Close, but never completely bare to me.

Here’s where I stop thinking all together and my body takes over. Sure, there’s a little voice telling me this is the deal breaker with us and this will be my only chance with her, but I want it, regardless.

And then comes the heavy part. She doesn’t know I’m leaving in two weeks. Did I ever plan on telling her?

After removing my shorts, I hover over her. It’s then I see it on her face. Hesitation.

I smile, stroking my thumb over her cheek. “We don’t have to do this.”

“No, no, I want to. I’m just… nervous.” She blinks slowly, soft laughter on her lips, and then looks back at the sky. Sighing, her gaze returns. “Hello, virgin here.” She laughs into my shoulder.

Virgin? I wouldn’t have guessed that.

Tangling my hands into her hair, I hold her face still so I have her attention. “Hey…” Again, I can barely get the words out. “I won’t be upset if you tell me to stop.”

It’s as if her body sinks into mine, only I’m on top of her. Her arms wrap around my neck, pulling me closer. She smiles. “I want this, Grayson.” She touches her palm to my cheek. “I want you. I don’t care what happens when we leave this room. I just… I want this with you.”

I nod and stop thinking. Neither of us are looking at each other when I enter her.

It’s not like the movies I’ve seen where they keep eye contact.

No, hell no. My face is buried in my pillow to keep from losing my shit as soon as I enter her and I can’t tell you where her focus is.

All I know is that it hurt her, judging by the whimper of discomfort and the way her body tightened as soon as I was in.

For me, it goes back to the sound of my heart breaking. Regardless of anything I feel, it’s tonight, and tonight only. If I had to guess, she feels it too. It’s in the way her eyes soften when they finally meet mine and the fragile bit of hope that fades just as easily.

“I love you,” she whispers against my lips, but if I had to guess, she’s crying.

I don’t say it back. I love this girl more than anything in the world, but I’m leaving in two weeks. How would it be fair to say it now and know that the words are empty?

I’m not sure our story will ever have a happy ending.

It’s hard to imagine it will now. But there’s something so goddamn beautiful in the moment we have, right here.

I focus on the sound of a girl, and a boy, who is willing to give all he has left to see her like this—vulnerable, stripped bare of everything else, and in love.