Page 49 of A Convenient Secret (Merged #3)

Lily

Saar

How are you doing, Lily?

Celeste

I heard about Zach. What a nightmare.

Cora

Do you need anything? How is Zach?

Broken wrist. My father had a heart attack.

Saar

Shit. Is he?

He’s in the hospital. I’m leaving today.

Celeste

What about Declan?

Make sure he’ s okay.

Cora

You’re not coming back?

Saar

Lily?

Celeste

What’s going on?

I watch the coffee drip into the small cup, the black liquid forming brown foam. I need this coffee more than I need oxygen right now.

I haven’t slept all night. I packed my suitcase, and I tried to get a bit of a shuteye, but sleep eluded me.

My head is throbbing. My eyes burn. My feet hurt from all the pacing. But it’s all just a mild discomfort compared to the searing, gaping wound in my heart.

Yes, I don’t know the facts, but the feeling is there. That feeling of clipped wings, of depending on someone’s whims, of conditional freedom is all too familiar. It’s what I grew up with. It’s the world of manipulation I know too well.

Could he have known all along who I was? Did he marry me for my money and status? The idea is preposterous, but my exhausted mind offers it anyway. Along with other useless explanations that get my head spinning.

The rich, inviting aroma hits my nostrils as I take a sip, the warm liquid spreading through my aching body and soul. I glimpse the camera in the corner. I’m sure he’s not watching me, but I flip him the bird anyway.

How dare he blame me for not telling him sooner. How dare he dismiss me last night like I’m just his nanny.

There are some remains of a decently functional logic trying to penetrate my frayed mind. It tells me I’m overreacting. That is the only reason I’m still here.

There must be an explanation I don’t see, because I’m stunned by the revelation, yesterday’s events, the lack of sleep.

How much can someone endure before they break? I think I’m dangerously close to my limit.

The elevator door swooshes open. They are here. Keys drop. Declan sighs. Footsteps disappear, probably into the soft carpet. Is he alone?

I walk out into the living room. He’s standing by the windows. The man I fell for, broad shoulders, alluring presence, casual stance with his hand in his pocket.

“Where is Zach?” Has something happened? My heart, which has suffered several marathons in the last twenty-four hours, somehow endures another adrenaline spike.

Declan whips around, his rigid expression softening as he lays his eyes on me. “You’re here.” It sounds like relief. “We went to pick up Zoya, but Mom lured him in with cookies. They are staying there this morning.”

He eats the distance between us, opening his arms. “Thank God you’re still here.”

I raise my arm to stop him and take a step back. “Don’t.”

He stops. Closing his eyes briefly, he takes a fortifying breath. “Lily, I’m so sorry. I was under a lot of pressure. The minute you left, I regretted everything. You needed me as much as I needed you, and I…”

I swallow a sob. This was the conversation I was hoping for when I left the hospital last night.

“Zach was in pain, and I was livid about the way it all went down. Such an unnecessary accident. And I wanted to carry his pain if I could. That was my focus. But I should have been there for all of us. I’m sorry.”

This time, the sob doesn’t stay jailed inside me. Declan’s face constricts painfully, and he steps forward. “Seagull.”

“When did Kendra give up her parental rights?”

Something dark flashes through his expression. “Does it matter?”

“After you blamed me for keeping my secret and not trusting you with it, I think it matters.”

“Lily, don’t do this—”

“Answer my question.”

“It seems like you already know,” he evades .

That’s the worst-case scenario. He doesn’t tell me the whole truth, not even now.

“Why did you marry me?” Jesus. Didn’t he ask me the same a week ago? We both entered this arrangement on a pretense. It’s all been as fake as it gets.

His jaw ticks, his hands curled into fists. He lets out a long breath, and then locks his eyes with mine.

It’s the gaze that kept me prisoner every time he bestowed it on me. This time, it’s laced with pain and desperation.

It’s an odd feeling to see a man larger than life pleading. What is he pleading?

“Why did you marry me, Declan?” Somewhere deep in my heart, I know the reason. I’m just not sure if that makes the lie better or worse.

“Just because,” he croaks.

I close my eyes, trying to draw oxygen into my lungs. “Don’t you dare say that. All my life I have been manipulated, my agency taken away by people who should have loved me. I was told what to do. How to behave. Coerced to fit expectations. I felt safe and free here. And you just…”

“Lily, I was trying to resist you for so long, and then you looked at me with those bewitching eyes of yours, and you offered to marry me. Perhaps I was already in love with you, but I couldn’t stop.”

“When did you settle?” I don’t even know why I need to know.

“She called the night you signed the prenup. I met her the next day.”

“So before the wedding?”

He nods.

“You say you couldn’t resist me, so you wanted to own me? To control me? You might have reasons that are more noble than Tim’s or my father’s, but at the end of the day, you just caged me because it suited you.”

It could have been wrong actions, good intentions, but why did he hide it? A part of me desperately wants to see his motivations in a different light, but I need to stand up for myself.

“You’re wrong. Don’t you dare compare me to people who only hurt you. I love you.” The vein on his temple swells.

“Really? You do? You watched me through the security cameras. That’s not love. You had so many opportunities to tell me about Kendra settling and you didn’t. You love me on your own terms. Blame me for not trusting you, but do you really trust me?”

“Lily, don’t—”

“No, Declan, you don’t. As you said, I have my father to take care of, and you have your family.

We need to be on two different continents.

But perhaps we were on two different continents figuratively from the beginning.

Maybe you were right to resist me. You should have listened to that gut feeling. ”

“What about Zoya and Zach?” His voice is hoarse with desperation.

“Talking about manipulation,” I scoff. “I can’t believe you would drag them into this.

I love those children, and it breaks my heart that I’m another person to leave them.

That guilt and regret are like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

But I’m not going to be the only one to carry that blame. This one we will share.”

I can’t look at him anymore. He’s a broken man, and I want to hug him and make him feel better.

But I have tried to do things better for my mom and then for my father, for the company, for everyone else.

It almost cost me my life in the end. The scars on my body are a daily reminder of that. I deserve more than that.

I turn and walk to the elevator. Snatching my suitcase, I press the call button. A glutton for pain, I chance a look back.

Declan stands in the middle of his vast living room. The summer sun blazes through the windows despite the morning hour, illuminating the beautiful space with brightness. The man in the middle of it looks like a shadow.

He stares at me, but he doesn’t move, frozen in his own personal nightmare. Or unwilling to fight for us. With me gone, he can over-schedule his life again into a sense of control.

A part of me hopes he will stop me. It’s like I’ve reached the limit of agony, and my body and mind scream for a break.

But Declan doesn’t say anything. He watches me until the elevator door closes, but his broken expression haunts me long after.

The expression of a broken man who has lived through loss before.

I hold it together while in the car. I hold it together while the crew helps me settle on board. I hold it together to the point of absolute numbness.

I almost saw his side, but then he pulled out his kids. At that mastery of manipulation, something in me snapped.

Regardless of what went down, I don’t think I will ever recover from this. I will never love like this again.

Declan’s shattered expression is forever etched in my mind. Zach and Zoya’s tears will torment me.

“Ms. Spinelli, Mrs. Quinn is on her way and asks us to hold the take-off. It will be another ten minutes. Can I get you anything?”

I frown. “Just water. Thank you.”

Mrs. Quinn?

Is it Saar or Dorothy? The Quinns share this jet, but it makes no sense for any of them to join me. Fuck, I hope it’s not Mr. Quinn. I can’t handle more wounds.

A black Escalade pulls to a stop on the tarmac, and Saar and Cora get out. What? Both of them hurry up the stairs.

“Lils.” Saar rushes to me and wraps me in an embrace. “We didn’t want you to do this alone.”

I sob.

“I’m sure we’ll get to him on time. I read the Guardian online this morning, and there is no mention of anything,” Cora says.

They are here because of my father. “I’m sure the family is keeping it hushed,” I say, and the dam breaks, and I bawl.

They usher me to the long seat along the windows, each of my friends on one side of me, rubbing my back. I don’t know how long I cry, but I keep at it until I’m so exhausted my body screams with pain.

“Declan and I—” I sob.

I can’t utter the words, but my friends seem to grasp it, regardless.

“Let’s take off, and you can tell us everything.” Saar kisses my temple, squeezing my shoulders .

“Or whatever you feel comfortable with,” Cora adds.

“You’re really coming with me?”

“Of course,” Cora says. “Celeste is sorry, but she couldn’t leave Amelie.”

“What about your bistro?” I sniffle.

“Sanjay can manage today, and I’m closed tomorrow anyway, and we’ll figure it out afterward. This is where I want to be.”

“And I prerecorded two episodes last week, so this is where I want to be,” Saar says.

“Thank you. This is not where I want to be.” I sniffle again, stupid tears doing whatever they want. “I married Declan to help him with his custody battle.”

“But Kendra gave up her parental rights,” Saar says.

“He forgot to mention that.” I sigh and let my head fall back against the seat, heavy with sadness and fatigue.

“But why?” Cora asks. “Why did he need a wife?”

“To own me.” I shrug and tell them my whole life story. From my choiceless childhood, my brother’s death, my mother’s absence, my parents’ marriage of manipulation, my father’s conditional attention, my engagement, my scars, the relationship with Declan.

It’s cathartic just to retell it all. Through some parts I’m strangely detached, like they didn’t happen to me. Some parts I see differently than I used to. And through some parts, particularly the last few months with Declan, I ugly-cry, my heart breaking all over again.

At one point, the flight attendant enters and brings us breakfast, but leaves too quickly, probably horrified by my red face, swollen eyes, and runny nose.

My friends listen in silence, keeping a safe space for me to recount the details I kept to myself for so long. It’s agonizing and cathartic at the same time.

“He was the voice?” Saar asks when I’m too exhausted to speak.

“It sounds like he was into you as well. Why else would he trick you into marriage?” Cora takes a bite of her toast.

“That’s the point, though; he wanted me so he tricked me?” I force a sip of tea down my throat, the warm liquid soothing.

“I think you both were too emotional and exhausted for that conversation, though,” Saar says.

She may be right. “Yeah, it’s like all our traumas, fears, and habits collided under the pressure.”

“Can you forgive him, though?” Cora asks.

“I think I can forgive him, but how am I to trust him? And that’s not the only problem. We built a relationship on lies and secrets, and under pressure, we didn’t stick together; we weren’t able to bridge the gap.”

“Or it’s just a timing issue. If you didn’t have to leave, you may have worked it out.” Saar shrugs. “Relationships are hard, and yours is pretty new. Even if we forget about the secrets, you came into it craving autonomy, and he needs control. You had no room to find the compromise.”

“So we were doomed from the beginning?” My lip quivers again.

“What I’m saying is that we need to dope you with painkillers and let you sleep first. Second, you need to assess the situation at home with your father. And then, after a day or two, if you feel like it, you call Declan.” She smiles at me.

“But what if all the problems that bubbled up right now are really what will always break us apart? Something we will never overcome. Sometimes, love is not enough.”

“Lils,” Cora says. “You won’t know until you give it a chance.”

“Yes, if there were no children involved. We should have tested our chances before involving everyone else. I wouldn’t be able to say goodbye to them one more time. And they can’t have another person abandoning them.”

Silence descends, only interrupted by the monotonous humming of the plane. How did we get into this impossible situation?

But perhaps Saar is right; after a good sleep, I may see things differently.

I look at my friends and take each of their hands in mine, squeezing tight.

Eighteen months ago, I came to New York, scared and running, but also to find my independence. I found way more than that.

Today, I’m leaving to revisit my past life. Heartbroken, but with friends for life. Maybe I can survive this.