Page 33 of A Convenient Secret (Merged #3)

“I think it’s a great idea, little Seagull, but let me do some of that filling of your time first.”

“For the love of God, there is nothing between me and Xander. We had fun dancing. Period.” Cora shakes her head, her hands huddled around her coffee mug. “It’s not like I knew anyone else there to dance with. I’m not from your world.”

She took a break after a busy lunch hour, and we’ve been teasing her relentlessly. I welcome the distraction because my mind is on Declan, and I need to start functioning without constantly thinking about him.

“Sorry, none of us besides Saar is from that world.” Celeste smiles at her.

“Now I feel like an outsider,” Saar huffs.

“That’s not what I meant.” Cora sighs. “I didn’t know anyone else besides you at the gala, so Xander actually stepping up and treating me to a fun night was exactly what I needed after spending the last three years here.”

“We need to take you out more often,” Saar says.

“Also, you and him dancing was the most scandalous thing that happened.” Celeste peeks into the stroller. “Beside my boobs leaking.”

“That is pretty sad.” Cora smirks.

“Where did you disappear to?” Saar turns to me.

My cheeks heat up. So much for trying to distract myself from Declan. “I was too tired.”

“Declan was probably grateful to get out of there. He hates these things.” Saar takes a bite of her wrap.

“I didn’t fire the night nurse, and now I feel guilty about it.” Celeste fortunately changes the topic.

“Because you didn’t fire her? I’m sure she’s grateful,” Saar points out.

“Guilty about having her. About not being there for Amelie at night.”

“I’m not an expert here, but I think you getting better sleep allows you to be more present with her during the day,” I say. “You can be a zombie with her twenty-four seven, or you can be a hundred percent with her for twelve hours.”

“Wow, look at you, a nanny for a month and already such a pro.” Saar pokes me. “Are you enjoying the job?”

“I do. I really do.”

I’m also enjoying my boss very much, but I’m not ready to share that with them.

“I’m happy for you,” says Cora.

“I met someone, and he’s a bit older and more experienced than me,” I blurt out, surprising everyone, including me.

“Whoa, and you’re only telling us now.” Saar drops the wrap and turns to me. “Spill the beans.”

I chuckle. “There is nothing to say, but he’s a dirty talker and he wants me to… Well, to talk, as well.”

Cora tuts, and Celeste elbows her before turning to me. “And you don’t feel comfortable doing that?”

“Oh, I’m uncomfortable, but only because it’s so new, and I don’t quite know what to say. But his talk feels good.”

“You must have loved Declan’s kiss,” Cora says, wiggling her eyebrows.

Heat covers my cheeks. What? How does she know? “What are you talking about? ”

I try to sound nonchalant while panic rises inside me. No one can know about this. I know he meant our pro forma marriage, but I’m still freaked out.

Cora shrugs, grinning. “If you found yourself another daddy.”

Jesus. I look away, not sure how to respond.

Luckily, Celeste picks up the conversation. “Unlike an orgasm, you can’t fake dirty talk. It needs to be genuine. Otherwise it kills the mood.”

“Just voice what you’re feeling when he’s doing something right,” Saar suggests.

“Yeah, praising him for his skills always works magic,” Celeste says. “Or voicing what you want. Don’t be shy.”

“Your dick fills me so well,” Saar whisper-moans.

“I can’t wait for you to fill me,” Cora whispers seductively. “Fuck me with your fingers and your cock.”

“Or speak French to him.” Celeste shrugs, smirking.

I look around, shocked by my friends’ openness, but also inspired by it. When did I start believing sex was taboo, or something embarrassing?

Obviously it’s not a formal party topic, but that doesn’t mean I need to be shy about my needs. Especially with my friends. Or a partner I trust.

Sometimes, I wish my mother hadn’t left when I was a teenager. Or that I had a sister. But it’s not like I’m with my family anymore. My family is here and now. And talking to them just made me feel more grounded in my own desires.

Maybe I can become a badass.

“Yuck, that’s too specific to your bedroom, and for fuck’s sake, I don’t want to know you’re having sex with my brother.” Saar shivers.

“You know your niece was conceived—” Celeste starts.

“Stop it.” Saar covers her ears. “Back to you, Lils; don’t let any man make you feel like you have to do anything.”

“But also, always speak up when you want or don’t want something. Even when they are more experienced and dominant in the bedroom, you’re in charge. It’s your body.” Celeste takes the whimpering Amelie from the stroller, and the baby settles immediately.

“I don’t know why I feel so mortified to speak up.” I look out of the window, replaying our weekend in my mind. With Declan, I feel safe, cherished, and feral with need, so why can’t I cross this one line?

“Probably because you want to do it for him,” Celeste says.

I frown. “But it is for him.”

“But it needs to be for you as well. You need to enjoy it; otherwise you’re just faking it,” Celeste explains.

“And let’s hope you don’t have to fake it with your new, more experienced lover.” Cora wiggles her eyebrows.

“Where did you meet him?” Saar asks.

Oh, shit. “At Zach’s soccer practice,” I lie.

“You need to take me with you next time, so I can get myself a daddy.” Cora snickers.

I chuckle, but my nerves twist it into a choking sound. I hate that I’m lying to my friends.

Can I share with my friends? The secrets seem to pile up in my life.

The conversation, though, made me feel strangely empowered. I’ve had very few choices in my life, and I’ve enjoyed my autonomy in the last few months. But let’s face it, being in hiding, and with limited funds, it’s not like I could have truly spread my wings.

Could I possibly find freedom for the first time in my life through my relationship with Declan? Will he push me in real life the same way he seems to challenge me in the bedroom?

Discovering and accepting what I need—what I want—is such an uncharted territory for someone whose life has been planned for them. Can I lean into that?

A smile plays on my face as I realize that, for the first time in I don’t know how long, I feel energized by something. By someone—Declan—of course, but also by the idea of growing into myself.

If only I could be the person I’ve become, and ignore who I am.