Page 17 of A Convenient Secret (Merged #3)

Lily

D eclan carries my luggage to the elevator while I trudge behind him. We shared silence before. An awkward one, a comfortable one, an annoyed one. This silence is new. It’s heavy and horrible. It’s worse than him ignoring me.

You’re not erasable, Seagull.

What does that even mean?

He kissed me. He was the one who leaned in and took my lips. And yes, I gave willingly, because why not? I’ve been lusting after this man for months. And he kissed me . Why do I feel like the guilty party here?

You’re not erasable, Seagull.

I want to push for an explanation, but Declan found his old grumpy personality, and the thermostat was readjusted—everything between us cold and impersonal .

I feel discarded, disposable, and quite frankly, stupid. In my na?vete, I leaned into that kiss. Not only because that was the best kiss I’ve ever had—and how am I going to forget that—but because it felt so real.

It felt like Declan has been feeling at least a fraction of the attraction that has been haunting me. Like he really wanted to kiss me, and perhaps even had thought about it. Maybe not as much as me, but he had.

Just wishful thinking. He regretted the kiss.

“My driver is waiting for you downstairs. He will take you to your friend.”

He puts the box on top of my suitcase. Of course when he does it, the stupid box stays put, unlike last night. Jesus, was it only last night?

“Declan, I don’t understand what just happened.” Maybe I should let it go. People kiss and regret it, but how am I going to work for him if this hangs above our heads?

He bows his head, sighing like I’m testing his patience. “Lily—”

“It certainly feels like I’m erasable.”

He whips his gaze to me so fast, I almost falter. He takes a step closer, and my heart jumps to my throat. It’s like a predator zoomed in on me, and if I was smart, I would run.

He is so close again that I can almost taste his lips, his breath fanning my face. There is a fight behind his eyes; I’m just not sure if I’m the adversary or the casualty of his battle. I’m definitely the reason.

I wouldn’t say I fear him at this moment, but it feels like pushing him further is not a good idea.

“In another lifetime, under different circumstances, I’d bend you over my desk and have my way with you until your pussy would milk my cock dry. You wouldn’t be able to walk after I’d be done with you, and yet you’d beg me for more.”

My heart hammers so loudly, I’m not sure if he really said those words. Nobody has ever spoken to me like this. I’m mortified and aroused at the same time. What? Aroused? I didn’t know dirty talk—dirty threats were this hot. Jesus.

He must be consuming all the oxygen, because I can’t breathe. Heat cruises through my body.

I’m in way over my head here, but I still find my voice. “And yet…” I challenge him.

He hovers over me for a few more breaths before the elevator dings open. Saved by the bell, I guess.

“I’m not going to deprive my kids of a good nanny because of a moment of a poor judgment. It won’t happen again.”

Saar

Amelie Clementine van den Linden was born this morning. Both my beautiful niece and her mommy are doing well. Cal is annoyingly happy.

Cora

Congratulations. Pictures, please.

That’s amazing. I can’t wait to meet the little girl.

Saar

I only had a peek, but she is the most beautiful baby.

Celeste

She is. Thank you, guys.

How are you feeling?

Celeste

Tired, elated, scared. Full of love.

Cora

You got this. Can we stop by tonight for a moment?

Celeste

If Daddy Bulldog lets you in. He’s been protecting my rest (eye-roll emoji).

Saar

Please don’t call my brother Daddy in front of me .

Something heavy and hot is crushing my chest. I try to turn, and needles push into my skin before the weight disappears.

Cora’s cats mew at me in unison and saunter away from the sofa. I stayed at my friend’s place last night, and clearly her cats, Pitt and Clooney, thought they had a new bed.

I can’t believe I fell asleep at all, but I guess after the previous sleepless night my body just shut down for survival reasons.

I told Cora about Mrs. Whitaker’s sneaky eviction, and I told her a very stripped-down version of the stabbing accident. Since, in my panic, I confessed about it in our friends’ group, I couldn’t avoid that one.

I didn’t tell her that Declan officially hired me. That for a moment there it made me happy, because who knew that childcare was something that fulfills me? It’s not like I would ever do what I had been preparing for my entire life. That life is only a shadow from my past.

At one point, I still believed my exile would be temporary, but eighteen months down the line I accepted that nothing would change. This is my life now. I’m a nanny for two beautiful kids.

My excitement died with that kiss.

My pussy clenches at the recollection, and for a moment I allow myself to relive it without letting the uncomfortable aftermath taint the memory. It was the hottest kiss.

I haven’t kissed many men.

Scratch that. I have only kissed boys in school. Kissing a real man, who devoured me with an intensity that made my ovaries dance a victory dance, is a novel experience.

And what an experience! I bite my lip, trying to recall the savage attack. My hand immediately traces the swell of my breast and travels lower, under the waistband of my panties.

I’m soaked. Just thinking about his tongue, his lips, his possessive grip and expert swirls and thrusts can get me off. But just in case… I slide my finger toward my clit. Circling around the sensitive spot, I moan.

The sound is indecently loud in Cora’s empty apartment. I should stop, but that kiss got me all riled up, and I need to release this tension. Or perhaps the buildup started months ago when I first heard Declan’s voice.

That voice.

My arousal escalates so quickly that a few minutes in, I come. My moan is long and guttural. My release is satisfying somewhat on the physical level, but completely unsatisfactory because it isn’t him drawing it from me.

Him .

Fuck. Declan is my new boss. In the light of day, it was smart that he put a stop to everything. And while my rational mind kind of agrees he made the right choice, the girl in me is hurting.

He didn’t want to even explore this because he needs me as his nanny. I’m just his nanny, and he wouldn’t fuck that up.

Screw him. He’s just my employer from now on. At least his kids are great. And they are the ones I will dedicate my time to.

When he asked me to stay and work for him, I deliberated for a moment, but in the end I decided to push my attraction to the side. Perhaps a mistake.

I pad to the kitchen and get a glass of water when I notice a note.

Help yourself to some breakfast and come over to the bistro. Cora

I take out milk and cereal and pull out my phone to search for an apartment. An hour later, I’m so discouraged by my prospects, I decide to take a shower and get out of here.

I’m about to enter Cora’s bistro when my phone pings.

Declan

I took care of your job at Summit Solutions. They are looking for an apartment for you closer to my place, so you don’t have a long commute .

Efficient as ever. An unexpected pang of anger sweeps through me. Mr. Almighty taking care of the poor homeless girl? Fuck him. Before I think better of it, I reply.

I don’t need your help.

The three dots dance around.

Declan

Are you sure?

Bastard.

I turn off my phone, plaster a smile on my face, and enter the bistro. The air conditioning breezes a bit of sanity into me, and I regret the bratty message a bit. Maybe taking the job was the worst idea.

“Hey.” Cora waves from behind the counter where she is talking to her employee, Sanjay.

I make my way to our usual table. Cora’s bistro is quaint, and right now almost all the tables are occupied. She took over her father’s business, and has been barely keeping it afloat.

There are so many things she could implement to grow it, but I’m careful with my advice. My friends believe I moved to NYC to become an actress. I can’t blow my cover, even though I trust these women. It’s too risky .

It makes me feel like the worst person at the same time, so I took over the bistro’s social media. A little help with marketing was the least I could do. Especially after Cora gave me a job when I first arrived.

I sit in my usual place and watch the sweltering streets. This little table where I regularly meet with my three friends feels like home. As strange as it is after losing everything, I didn’t expect to feel safe. Ever. And yet, here is where I do.

“Check your phone. Celeste sent pictures.” Cora puts two cups of cappuccino down and sits beside me.

I don’t particularly want to see if Declan responded.

“My phone is dead,” I lie. “Show me.” I rub my hands in glee, banishing the thought of Declan. And failing. The man is already etched in my mind.

“What did I miss?” Saar shows up. “Isn’t my niece adorable?” She plops down across from us and waves at Sanjay, who already knows her usual order.

“She’s adorable.” I admire the wrinkled newborn.

“I know Zoya and Zach are my niece and nephew by marriage, but Amelie feels a little more mine. Is that a horrible thing to say?” Saar scrunches her nose.

“No, it’s not,” I argue. “Amelie is your brother’s and your best friend’s. As you said, Zoya and Zach came into your life as Corm’s family. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them. ”

“I adore them.” She purses her lips. “In small doses.”

“They are amazing kids,” I defend them, surprised by the strong need to do so.

“Yes, they are.” Saar takes her latte from Sanjay. “You would know. You spent the entire week with them, and stabbed my brother-in-law. He had it coming probably.”

Cora snorts.

“It was an accident. Long story.” I wave my hand. “Talking about Zoya and Zach, I accepted a permanent position as their nanny.”

Both friends look at me with surprise.

“You didn’t tell me that last night,” Cora says.

“Last night?” Saar asks.

“Oh, yeah, on top of everything else, I’m homeless at the moment.”