Page 23 of A Convenient Secret (Merged #3)

“So,” Cora starts, and it’s that kind of prolonged so that leads to uncomfortable topics. I look at the camera. “What point are you making, Lils?”

“That I’m not scared of his large dick.” Shit. Where did that come from ?

“Oh my God, I have to bleach my ears now. I don’t want to think of Declan’s dick when I see him next.”

“It’s the only thing I think about,” I murmur, and return to slicing.

“Oh, Lils.” Cora picks up her phone to move it closer to her face, like she can comfort me better that way.

“No, no, don’t feel sorry for me. I’m a cliché. Nanny who fell in lust with her employer.”

“Seduce him and quit.”

I giggle. “What do you think the meal is for?” Is it? I want to confront his abhorrent behavior, not to get naked with him. I mean, I want the latter, but I can exhibit the same control he does. I’m not forcing myself on him.

“I was joking.” Cora’s worried face fills the screen. “You would get hurt. Unless I don’t know you at all, you’re not a casual kind of girl.”

I check on Zach and Zoya, who are both fast asleep. Lingering in the doorway, I enjoy the moment of peace. It was a difficult evening, because Zoya had a meltdown and Zach refused to finish his Math worksheet from the summer school.

At least they enjoyed my chicken fajitas. After we added ketchup. A lot of ketchup to give them taste.

I’m tired, but still vibrating with nervous energy. Because, of course, on a night I want to showcase to Declan I can be professional, and that he doesn’t have to avoid me, he doesn’t even show up.

Something must have come up, because he doesn’t miss the kids’ bedtime if he can prevent it. For all his aloof assholeness and controlling tendencies, his schedule always benefits the twins.

Zoya smiles in her sleep, and a wave of affection hits me. I don’t know how I fell in love with these two perfect little humans so quickly.

I make my way downstairs and pour myself a glass of wine. So very adult of me. I smile to myself. It’s a warm evening, so I decide to enjoy the chilled rosé on the terrace.

The city doesn’t sleep down below, and I cherish the bustling sounds with closed eyes. I’ve always loved the noise of a busy town. It makes me feel like I’m not alone. Like I’m an extension of something bigger.

It’s the reason I picked New York as my new home. For a city lover, there is no better place to live than here.

“My sinful nanny,” Declan’s voice snaps me out of my reverie, and I spill my wine over my hand .

“Jesus, you startled me. I didn’t hear you.” I move the glass to my other hand and shake off the drops.

“Sorry.” He sways a little. He is in his shirt and his dress pants only. No tie, no jacket. “Those are the least sexy pajama pants.”

Despite the words, his voice is like molten chocolate, but the cadence is off. He stares at me, and again I wonder if demanding he pays me some reasonable, professional attention is such a good idea. He takes a few unsteady steps.

“Are you drunk?”

He falls into a lounger beside me. “Don’t worry. I’ll behave.”

“That’s not very comforting,” I murmur, and put my glass on a stool beside me.

He rolls to his side. “Would you like me not to behave, little Seagull?”

The fervent desire lacing his voice has a direct line to my core. This is alcohol talking, I remind myself.

“Let me make you some coffee.” I stand up. “Have you eaten anything?”

“I don’t think so.” He stretches his arm. “Don’t leave.”

I sigh. Okay, this is not how I planned this evening. “I’ll be right back.”

I fix him a plate of leftover fajitas and a double espresso. Placing everything on a tray with a bottle of water, I carefully bring everything outside.

He swings his muscular legs and pushes himself to sit. I place the tray beside him and sit across from him. The two loungers are close enough that, somehow, I end up sitting practically between his legs.

Declan gulps down the entire bottle and picks up the plate. He eyes the contents. “We ran out of the frozen meals?” He lifts a fajita and balances it above the plate before he shoves half of it into his mouth.

He knew about the frozen dishes? Jesus. The man knows everything. Also, why is it sexy to see him eating with his hands? The perfect, always-composed man is wolfing down his food. It’s like watching porn.

“Jesus, this is quite horrible.” Despite his comment, he takes another bite.

“Careful there with all the compliments. First my pajamas, now the results of my kitchen slavery?” I nudge his leg with mine before I twist to stretch on the sun bed.

He laughs, and it startles me. He smirked, chuckled, and almost grinned before, but laughter? What was he drinking tonight?

“I miss talking to you, Seagull.”

Oh, my poor heart. “We kind of talked only once, I think.”

“And it left a lasting impact.” He puts the plate on the ground and downs the coffee before he mirrors me and lies back, the recliner propped up to admire the view.

Well, wasn’t that my mission tonight? To find a friendly modus operandi. “We can talk. Just because you believe we can’t fuck—”

“Jesus,” he spatters. “Lily, don’t mention fucking because I will lose it again.”

“And we wouldn’t want that,” I say sarcastically.

He whips his head to me, glaring, but there is softness beneath it. “Lily, Lily, Lily, you’re so young, and I’m an old fart with two kids.”

I snort. “You’re not that old.”

He turns back and seems to watch the skyline for a moment. “I certainly feel that way.”

I wholeheartedly disagree, but the sentiment in his voice is heavy with bone-deep fatigue. He feels old because he doesn’t let himself relax for a moment. Always working, always fathering, and nothing in between. My chest constricts with compassion.

“Look, Declan, I’m not going to force you to give in to our mutual attraction, but you don’t have to go to the opposite extreme. We can still talk. You can treat me like a person.”

He sighs. “I’m sorry I’ve been such an ass.”

“A rare moment of self-reflection. Do continue.” I pretend to perk-up, teasing him.

His eyes find mine, and he glares, but it’s not his usual grade of asshole. “Don’t push it. And don’t cook anymore. Call Summit Solutions and get a chef organized, before you burn down the kitchen.”

I sigh. “I really wanted to learn—”

“You’re pretty perfect without cooking.”

That shuts me up.

His praise sprouts goose bumps all over my skin. Perhaps he is right, and we can’t have a middle ground when his compliments make me all wet. Not good.

We sit in companionable silence, with the background of the sounds of the city. He stands up and walks to a small cooler. Pulling out two bottles of water, he gives me one and gulps the other.

Leaving me behind, he walks to the massive stone balustrade that lines the entire terrace. He moves with more confidence, sobered up.

The idea of aiding him with my mediocre meal and coffee… The idea of taking care of him warms me inside, spreading feelings I shouldn’t have. He was definitely right to keep his distance.

Leaning back, he puts his hands in his pockets and crosses his ankles.

Fuck, a casual Declan in the middle of his kingdom is a sight for… Not a sight for his nanny. Keep it professional, you ho.

“How were the kids tonight? ”

Good, that’s the safe zone for us. “Zoya had a meltdown, probably just tired after her swimming class. Zach said the Math worksheet is an insult to his intelligence. Now they are sleeping peacefully.”

His expression softens, and a smile tugs at his lips. “They are great kids.”

“They are wonderful.” I recall the heart-squeezing moment from earlier when watching Zoya.

His jaw ticks, and the smile disappears, replaced with a deep line on his forehead. “I can’t have her fuck them up.”

“Who?”

He looks at me, pain seeping through his gaze. “Their mother.”

I wait for a moment to see if he elaborates, holding his gaze to let him know I’m here to listen.

He opens his mouth a few times before he turns his back to me. I’m pretty sure the moment of almost sharing is gone.

“I don’t think I ever truly loved her. She fit my five-year plan and, as much as I hate to admit it, she tricked me.” He watches the city for a moment, rolling the water bottle around the stony surface of the balustrade.

“She got married again and has money now. She wants shared custody.” His words float out into the night sky, descending on the city as if they were any other chatter of the night .

“But she abandoned them.”

I can’t sit anymore. It feels frivolous to sit during this topic.

“Twice.” He snorts.

“You can’t be sure she is serious this time. Poor babies.”

I move to stand beside him. What kind of a cruel woman would just test to see if she enjoys motherhood and then bail? Twice? It certainly puts my mother’s absence into a much more favorable light. Jesus.

“Oh, I don’t trust her. She had her chances, but she is now taking this to court, and it’s not my decision. I should have erased her from their birth certificate the first time she came for a payout.”

“What do you mean?”

He chuckles humorlessly. “Usually, her sudden awakening of motherly genes happens around the time she needs money.”

“That’s horrible. You have to pay to keep your kids safe from a woman who uses them for her own gain.”

“Pretty fucked-up, isn’t it?” He leans on his elbows.

“No court would ever side with her.” I don’t know the legal system well enough to make such a statement. And I know common sense is not always what wins.

“She has a stable household now, and enough money to prove she is a fit parent. No court would give her Zoya and Zach full-time, but they might allow visitation rights. Courts tend to side with mothers. And then what? A year later she will ask for some days, and… And then one day she changes her mind, and they will remember.” He turns to me, his eyes full of desperation and anger.

“This time, they will remember she abandoned them. Yet again.”

“Declan…” I reach to squeeze his arm. It feels like such a pointless gesture, but I’m at a loss for words or actions of comfort.

“What if she’s changed?” He sighs. “What if I’d be depriving them of their mother?”

My heart breaks a little for this beautiful family.

“She proved the opposite. I don’t know the woman, but I can imagine she had all the resources to have all the help in the world.

Regardless of how unhappy she could have been, she made a choice, and those kids should not pay any more for her choices.

Even if she feels it was a mistake. Which I doubt, because she doesn’t have it in her if she managed to leave them in the first place.

That’s not something she could just turn on. ”

I realize I have no authority to judge her, but I do anyway.

“You fight for them like a mama bear.” He reaches to push my glasses up my nose, and I shiver.

“I love them, Declan.” It might be ridiculous, but it’s true .

“You truly are perfect.”

The familiar charged tension sneaks between us, and I scramble to move us out of that territory. “Just remember my fajitas.”

He chuckles and leans back on the balustrade. “My lawyer believes I have a better chance of fighting her if I am married.”

“Why?”

“He thinks she will use my workaholism, and the fact that the twins are with nannies most of their day, against me.”

“That’s preposterous.”

“If I believed in the fairness of courts, I wouldn’t be drinking tonight.”

The idea of him getting married, of bringing another woman to meet the kids, swipes through me with an unwarranted surge of jealousy.

“I’ll marry you.”