Page 24 of A Convenient Secret (Merged #3)

Declan

D on’t accept. Don’t fucking accept.

Lily looks sick. Her eyes widen like she is as shocked as me by her words.

Don’t accept. Just don’t fucking accept. But I don’t seem to find the words, and she is gaping at me, and by the looks of it, mortified.

I can’t even blame it on the half bottle of whiskey I polished off at the office after the meeting with my lawyer. Her horrendous excuse for food and coffee sobered me up.

With gargantuan effort and self-discipline, I stayed away from her for weeks again. I have even stayed away from the security footage. Almost. Like a junkie, I had a few lapses.

I keep reminding myself that I’m too old for her. Though based on the number of inappropriately timed erections every time I think about her, that argument seems ridiculous. I’ve turned into a teenager.

All my noble attempts went down the drain the minute I came home drunk and my legs led me to her like she was a magnet, charged to attract me.

She looked so beautiful in the flickering lights on my terrace. The sight hit me with a sense of possessiveness, with the need to claim her.

But somehow, we both resisted and behaved, achieving a new reluctant level in our co-habitation. Our fucked-up relationship unfulfilled.

She opens her mouth, and to prevent her from another word vomit, I interfere. “Why?” My brain was about to refuse her gently, but my mouth completely disconnects from reason.

Her eyes flash in surprise, and then she looks at the nighttime city as if the answer is written somewhere there.

“I need money.” She doesn’t look at me.

“You need money?” I repeat her words, because it seems like a trap. Or a lie. Or my head refuses to accept that this woman I think I know, whom I invited to my home and let care for my kids, may offer something for her personal gain. The scenario is too bitterly familiar.

At the end of the day, I don’t really know her. Do I? She is hot, and good with my kids, but she is hiding things .

Can I go through with this? It will solve an issue for me. And not much will change.

“Yes. We can help each other.” She lifts her chin. It’s an attempt to display confidence, but her gaze is still unfocused, darting around.

I should just shut this down. “Why?” I parrot instead.

“I just told you.”

“Why would you want to help me?” Just fucking refuse the idea finally, you jackass.

“I love Zach and Zoya.” Okay, I believe that. “And I need money. Look, it’s not my proudest moment to be in my situation… But we will all benefit… And look at your brother and Saar, or Cal and Celeste: they fake-married and…”

She trails off, probably realizing that those two couples are now happily married.

“You’re blabbering again.” She flinches, but I take her hand. “Fuck, Lily, I’m tempted to agree, but it’s insanity. We already have a complicated relationship.”

“So you’d prefer to bring a stranger to live with your children?”

Fuck, when she puts it like that… Having a sham marriage with a woman who already takes care of my kids would make the most sense. I told my lawyer to find a different strategy. But maybe it’s that simple… That’s preposterous .

“How much?” I’m not sure why I’m investigating that. I’m not going to go through with this, am I?

“How much?” She frowns.

“You said you’re doing it for money.” I study her. Even in the shadows of the dimly-lit terrace, I see her cheeks darken with a blush.

“Ten thousand,” she blurts out.

“What do you need ten K for?” It doesn’t feel like a high enough sum to bother. But perhaps my expectations have been skewed by Kendra’s demands.

“That’s none of your business. And stop interrogating me. I thought I was helping you, not subjecting myself to scrutiny.”

I close my eyes, a part of me wishing I could open them to possibilities where she was mine, truly mine. An equally strong part reminds me I need to backpedal from this.

Herein lies the problem, though. If last month taught me anything, there is no backpedaling from Lily.

I look up, hoping for some interference from the universe, but my eyes land on the upper level where the two most important people of my life sleep soundly, unaware of the potential threat of their mother breaking their hearts.

“Nobody can know about this. Especially not the twins.” Have I just made a decision? Am I accepting this insane plan?

“How would that work?”

“The lawyer will protect the kids at all costs. They won’t be subjected to testifying.

He’s getting Kendra to agree to that stipulation.

She will, because it wouldn’t help her case for a cooperation.

She would accept to establish her goodwill.

So the worst that could happen is a visit from social services. ”

“So I’ll just remain your live-in nanny, but on paper you look like you have a stable home.”

“Pretty much.” Fuck, why are we discussing these details?

“And you give me ten thousand,” she reminds me, and a part of me resents her for that.

I have no right to wish she would do it for free. I have no right to expect her to do it, period. And yet here I am, resenting her a bit for it.

She looks out, pinning her gaze to the flickering skyscrapers beyond the park. The lights twinkle playfully on her beautiful face, illuminating her cheekbones and that beautifully slanted nose. She’s a vision.

Her chest rises and falls, but otherwise, she is perfectly still in the background of the nightlife.

And in that moment, I know I’m about to make the worst mistake of my life.

“It looks like you finally have a nanny who survived.” Roxy crosses her legs, trying to engage me in idle chatter while we wait for the rest of the team in Corm’s office.

Apparently, timely arrival at our regularly scheduled partners’ meetings is no longer expected.

I tap my fingers on the armrests. “Zach and Zoya like her.” Not as much as me. I banish the thought as quickly as it appears.

“Good, finally a responsible nanny.”

Neither of us is responsible, if the courthouse appointment in two days is any indication.

I glare at Roxy, hoping to stop her from talking, even though I know she is immune to any and all intimidating tactics.

“I can’t say I missed this office.” Cal saunters in ten minutes late, but I don’t point that out since he saved me from Roxy’s interogation.

“Sorry I’m late.” Corm files in before Cal even takes a seat. “Where is Xander?”

“I’m here, gentlemen.” He walks in like the world revolves around him. At least he isn’t in his sweaty gym clothes, or slurping a kid’s beverage.

“I got new projections for London, with an addition of five years’ salaries and bonuses for the manager.” I hand out folders to each of them.

“That’s a mil we could have saved.” Xander throws the sheets at the table.

“Don’t be a dick, X.” Cal, who usually sides with Xander, surprises me with his defense.

“It’s not a saving if it’s a necessary expense that should have been in the original projections.” Corm backs me up as well.

For some reason, the two men stepping in to defend plan B makes me feel like a bigger failure. Like everyone has to come up with a story to fit my narrative.

Would it be so bad to move? What? Where did that thought come from? As if there weren’t enough wild circumstances in my life currently.

“Okay, it would cut into initially projected profits, but it still makes the venture interesting.” Xander raises his arms in surrender.

“Look, you guys can play nice.” Roxy grins. “I knew the sedative I added to the water would tame you in the end.”

“It leaves more testosterone for you, Roxy,” Xander deadpans.

“I can smell it… The beautiful payout from the sexual harassment suit.” She flips hi m the bird.

“Okay, let’s move on.” Corm takes control of the meeting.

We spend another half hour discussing the most pressing accounts, and I forget about my fake soon-to-be wife. Work has always saved me from my fucked-up personal life.

“Okay, who are you two taking to the gala on Friday?” Corm addresses me and Xander. “If we can, let’s not have paid escorts joining us…” He peters out, the hypocrite.

“So it was acceptable when it was your only option?” Xander scoffs.

“We need to grow up. Just a few months ago we almost lost a large account because my morals were questioned. Besides, it would be nice if my wife had someone to talk to. Is Celeste coming?”

“Things are a bit chaotic at the moment, but that’s the plan.” Cal closes his tablet.

“If Celeste and Saar are coming, why don’t I take Saar’s friend, the ginger one?” Xander stands up, moving to the door.

“Cora?” Corm frowns.

“A friend for your wife to talk to.” Xander shrugs.

“Okay, I’ll talk to Saar to invite her. Why don’t you bring Lily, then?” He turns to me.

“She minds my kids when I have to spend evenings with you clowns, dressing up and schmoozing like doing business in a boardroom isn’t reasonable anymore.” I walk out of there, suddenly itching to yank my tie off.

I lean on my elbows, grateful for the large desk between us. Lily, sitting on the other side, crosses one elegant leg over the other. Again in the stupid pajama pants. I hate that pink monstrosity. It makes her feel even younger.

My home office has always been a place where I decompress, where I find distraction or ground myself after a shitty day.

There were many of those right after Kendra left for the first time. I wanted to drown myself in whiskey, but I had the babies to take care of. So I’d come here and heal… or rather seal off whatever was left of my soul.

After Kendra entered and left our lives the second time, I used to come here to wallow in my own stupidity. Eventually I buried myself in work and my hobby, and this room became my sanctuary. My man cave. My space.

It’s been a place to hide from the children, to recharge, to enjoy myself.

Tonight, it’s a place of peace and discomfort mingling and trying to get attention from my conscience.

My conscience checked out gradually between the day I saw Lily for the first time and tonight.