Page 43 of A Certain Step (Midnights at Pemberley #1)

The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt Willa, and he did so inadvertently.

Ethan got out from underneath the covers and went to the bathroom.

He splashed his face with cold water twice, then brushed his teeth, gazing at her toothbrush beside his, trying to hold on to the familiarity, hoping it wouldn’t end.

She’d been right about the fans; he knew she had, but he genuinely didn’t think it would’ve been this cruel.

He had stopped reading comments ages ago.

People had generally been respectful and cool during Sam’s Instagram lives; he’d forgotten that there was a whole other side to the internet that existed to spread hate.

He also didn’t think they would’ve been caught. He was blissfully hopeful it would’ve happened on their own terms, comments disabled maybe.

“Betty is calling you,” she exclaimed from his room. He rinsed his mouth and walked over, picking it up.

“Hey, Betty.”

His manager exhaled a compassionate sigh. “Hi, you. I’m checking in.”

“You saw, right?” he asked.

“Mhmm, I’m so sorry that happened to you two. How is Willa?”

He answered honestly. “Not good.”

“I’m sorry, E. I really am. How do you want to proceed with this?”

He sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I don’t know. I’m pissed. I want to say something, but do you think that’s smart?”

“In this day and age, it could work if you’re up for it.

I’m blanking on who it was, but another actor also had to do this recently.

Write a statement, shoot it over to me, and I’ll look at it, then turn off your comments when you post. You could also not say anything at all.

Do you. Your personal life is no one’s business.

This isn’t a scandal and doesn’t need to be.

Discuss it with Willa and listen to your gut.

I trust you’ll handle it well, no matter what you decide to do. ”

He nodded, considering her words. “Yeah, I’ll talk it over with Willa.”

“That works for me. Call if you need anything.” Ethan had been with Betty since he started his career. She looked out for him like a second mother, and knowing she genuinely cared made trials like this easier to endure.

He looked at Willa. She was on her phone again.

“Please stop reading. It’s a mess out there. None of it is true.”

She shrugged. “I might not be a gold digger, sure, but one person had a point about my voice having an annoying pitch. Oh, and there’s a really lovely comment that said I must be asking for attention because, and I quote, ‘Does she own anything other than crop tops?’ Jokes on them because I do.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose and then pushed his glasses up. “Wills, please look at me.”

She did. Her eyes were swollen, red, and trickling with heartache. “Your voice doesn’t have an annoying pitch. Let’s get that out of the way first. You know that people will come up with anything to make themselves feel better, right?” he asked.

“I know that logically, but it doesn’t help at this second.”

Sighing, he reached for her hand, but Tulip mistook it as a sign to play, so she swatted him. He pulled his hand away, noting that this wouldn’t work.

“Willa, all of this is going to go away someday. You said it yourself. Our contracts will end, we’ll get different jobs, and we might even have to spend time apart in different places.

But the way that I love you will be the one constant.

I’d sacrifice everything to be with you.

I’d choose you over any role because I’m certain that even with all the praise in t he world and standing ovations every night, nothing compares to how I feel when you smile at me.

Or when I hear that perfect laugh of yours.

You said it yourself, and I’m right there with you.

I could lose all of it, and I’d be fine, but I can’t bear the thought of losing you.

I’d rather be remembered for the way that I love you than my job.

None of it matters without you beside me. ”

She was in tears again. “I’m sorry for ruining this.

I’ll get through it eventually, Ethan, but it’s hard not to actualize their words in my head right now.

And you’re worth all of it. I don’t regret a single second from last night.

I’d do it over again even if I knew this would be the outcome.

I just need time to come to terms with this new normal. ”

He reached forward and gently wiped the tears from her eyes.

He brushed wisps of hair from her forehead, tugging them behind her ear, catching Tulip’s gaze from beneath.

“Take all the time you need, beautiful. You didn’t ruin anything—none of this was on you.

If anything, it’s on me. Just please don’t push me away. Let me be here for you.”

“It’s not on either of us. It’s on the people who have no sense of boundaries when it comes to photographing others.”

Willa rolled out of bed. This time, Tulip followed, assuming she was going to feed her.

Willa looked down and shrugged affectionately.

“I was going to stretch, but sure, little orange slice, let’s get you fed.

” She turned to Ethan. “Did you order new cans of wet food? You were down to one yesterday.”

“Yeah, I haven’t unboxed it, though. It should be by the front door,” he answered.

She nodded, then reached for his T-shirt sitting atop a chair and threw it over her emerald ensemble. The two of them ambled out, with Tulip running ahead of Willa like breakfast was an Olympic sport she was determined to win.

He thought of the kind of statement he could make and what it would entail while he stood up and fluf fed the pillows to make his bed.

Except looking at his bed trailed his mind to the memories of her intoxicating sounds of pleasure.

The way her body moved underneath his, the way she came undone, her gorgeous face flushed with shades of pink.

How the flecks of gold around her eyes shimmered.

How unhappy did people have to be to pass judgments as they did when she was the most beautiful rarity he’d ever known? He fell for her honesty, her kindness, her unceasing warmth, and he hated that people couldn’t see that.

My cat loves her. That’s the only approval I need.

Short and simple, maybe he could post that. No, it needed to be perfect. It needed to be poetic. It needed to reflect every ounce of his heart because Willa was everything to him. His love for her had to be palpable. It’s what she deserved.

He finished making his bed and met them in the kitchen, finding Willa sitting on the floor with Tulip.

“Do you ever wonder how much simpler life would be if you were a cat? If you’re lucky enough to find a good home, you’re entirely oblivious to how gross the world can be, and you just get a bunch of people who love you even when all you do is sleep ninety percent of the day.”

He chuckled, sliding down to sit beside her.

Willa curled her arm into his elbow and burrowed her head into his shoulder. He placed his other hand on her fingers, gently grazing his thumb along her skin.

“Yeah, but I think I’d want to be some sort of a sea creature in another life. Be able to breathe underwater,” Ethan replied.

“I’d say I want to be a crow so I could fly, but hey, they’re just as hated as I am right now.” She looked up at him, smiling. “Too soon?”

“A bit.”

A sad, strange little laugh left her lips. “I think that’s why it hurts so much,” she said, eyes fixed on the island in front of them.

“It’s bringing up all the bad memories from when I was bullied as a kid.

I know I told you parts of it, but I wasn’t a cute kid.

People were vicious. They called me all sorts of names.

It wasn’t until I started taking dance classes that I found a place to fit in.

I was really shy and quiet—I couldn’t defend myself.

They didn’t bother getting to know me. They just mocked.

And I know kids are cruel; most grow out of that, but this feels so similar.

It took years of therapy to work through my self-doubts and fears of inadequacy.

I know better than to let it get to me, but it stings. ”

He tilted his head and placed a kiss on her temple. “I’d bully all those kids right back, and then I’d only hang out with you.”

“I bet you were adorable when you were little,” she replied.

He laughed. “Not many people have glasses kinks. I’ve been four eyes since I was in elementary school.”

“Sucks to be them because they’re wrong.”

Tulip walked by them, sweeping against their sprawled feet before leaving them alone in the kitchen. “How do you feel about me saying something?” Ethan asked.

She sighed heavily. He hated bringing it back up since she was doing fine for a split second.

“I trust you. If you feel it’s right, it’s your call to make,” she answered.

“But what would you be comfortable with? What do you want me to do?”

“I want to hide, except that’s not an option.”

Moving his arm and facing her fully, Ethan rested his hand against the lines on her face.

He looked at her for a beat—his best girl, his best friend, the absolute, unmistakable love of his life.

“I can’t promise this is the last time something will hurt you.

But I can promise that whatever comes our way, I’m going to be right here to take it on with you.

Your ha ppiness is always going to be my number one priority. ”

Willa burst into tears. “You’ve broken a dam in me. I can’t keep crying like this,” she sniffled.

He brought his lips to her face this time, wiping the tears away with kisses in their place. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.”

She bobbed her head from side to side. “These aren’t sad tears. These are ‘I’m grateful for you’ tears.”

Ethan kissed her with everything in him, pleasantly surprised when she reciprocated by climbing on top of him with her legs, hugging him close.

“Would you be mad if I went home today?” she asked.

Ethan shook his head. “Of course not. Why would I be mad?”

“I don’t know. I just need to process it all. Sit with my emotions for a bit.”

“Promise me that you’re okay,” he started to say.

She drew both her hands to either side of his face. “I will be. I didn’t want this to get in the way of us. And I’m not going to let it. But I don’t want to feel small, and right now, I feel small. I need to be the one to pick myself up if that makes sense.”

He tipped his face sideways to kiss her palm.

“I know you know how much all the attention makes me uncomfortable. The times I want to crawl into a hole because it’s too much, and I start to feel like I’m losing my humanity,” he said.

She stroked his jaw with delicate caresses, cementing her understanding.

“But you’ve made so much of it easier for me. You know my tells. You read me like an open book. You let me be fragile and uncertain. You celebrate my victories with me.”

He sighed heavily. “I knew I loved you when I broke down in your arms after my grandpa died, and you c arried me through those days. You never once looked at me differently. When you stayed awake with me all night and then metaphorically held me upright the next day. We were friends then, but you became my anchor, and I want to be that strength for you, Wills—however you need me to. If you need to be alone, or if you need space, all of it, whatever it is, I’ll support you. ”

“You’re my anchor, too. Please don’t think you aren’t. I meant it when I said you’re the person I search for in a crowded room. I don’t blame you one bit, Ethan. You’re worth this, ten times over. Once the shock wears off, I’ll be okay.”

She drew her lips to his cheek and kissed him there.

“At some point, the words aren’t going to matter.

I know that. It’ll be noise, blurring in the background while we live our lives doing what we love most. I get to have all your smiles and your heart.

I’m not letting you go, no matter how crushing the unkindness feels right now. ”

He smiled faintly and kissed her. They stayed like that for a while, lounged on his kitchen floor, mouths pressed together, hands, teeth, and tongues, taking each other in while the rest of the world raged on.

It was quiet here, silence stretching out before them, creating a safe space.