Page 15 of A Certain Step (Midnights at Pemberley #1)

WILLA

W illa took her morning tea and a piece of dark chocolate with almonds, then sat at the small desk in her bedroom. Sahar went to the gym earlier on days when Willa had therapy, giving her the space to sit wherever she wanted in the flat.

The night ended in better circumstances than it had begun, but it was a whirlwind still. Willa was extra glad that her bi-weekly session fell on this Monday instead of the next because she really needed it.

Her run-in with Alden unleashed a fury of demons she hadn’t thought of extensively in a while, and she wanted to shove them back into the cesspool they rose from.

She felt small again, far from okay. Initially, when they got home, she thought she’d be fine.

She’d been so knackered during the car ride back that she figured she’d fall asleep immediately after she showered.

Instead, she tossed and turned until three a.m. while her mind chased the comfort of Ethan’s arm around her shoulders. How concerned he’d been, the irritation she’d noticed in his eyes .

She couldn’t believe that any of those emotions had stirred inside of him because of her. There was no way. There had to have been something else bothering him when he walked away for a solid five, maybe ten minutes.

And so, with sleep continuing to escape her, she had called her mother, wanting to check in, knowing she’d be awake with the time difference.

Willa mostly caught her up on work, limiting the details of her personal life, but when Beatrix Davidian asked at the end of the phone call if she was sure there was nothing else she wanted to talk about, Willa felt the crushing weight of the words she couldn’t say aloud.

It was a simple, generic question any good mother would ask, yet somehow, the tornados in her mind swirled every logical approach away from reach, leaving the worst possible thoughts holding their ground.

She’d told her that she was fine, that everything was good. She didn’t dare mention the possible feelings growing for Ethan, and definitely not how she was questioning everything—her past, her present, her future.

She flipped open her laptop camera, which was covered by a small adhesive sticker, and waited. Marie entered the video call a minute after she did.

The woman on the other end of the screen smiled. “Good morning, Willa. How are you?”

Willa sighed and waved. “Hi, Marie, I’m okay…I think.”

Marie tilted her head slightly. “Just, okay? Has something happened?”

Willa exhaled audibly, convincing herself to spill it all—she couldn’t go over more minor issues today. She needed to let all of this out without holding anything back, and she needed to address the majority of these pent-up emotions.

“I saw my ex-boyfriend yesterday. The one who gave me the most shit about demisexu ality and the one I felt pressured to have sex with.”

“Were you expecting to see him, or did it just happen?”

Willa swallowed a lump in her throat. “It was purely coincidental. We were out for Miles’ birthday, and Alden was there with his friends,” she paused before starting again.

“The initial realization that he was there made me freak out a bit, but the conversation itself wasn’t too bad.

He had the gall to offer to buy me a drink, but I politely declined, and he let it go. ”

Marie nodded empathetically. “This is the first time you’ve seen him since the breakup, correct?”

“Yeah, I never thought we’d run into each other. New York City is massive, and the odds of it are slim to none, especially when we don’t run in the same circles.”

“I see. How do you feel about it at this moment, now that it’s already happened?”

Willa bit the fingernail on her thumb, mentally talking herself out of ripping the Gel-X on it. “I don’t think I care so much about seeing him, but it sort of stirred all these feelings inside me that are becoming too suffocating to contain.”

“What kind of feelings?” Marie asked.

Willa entwined her fingers together, cracking her knuckles and moving them around out of habit.

“Of why I even dated a man like him in the first place, why I let myself think that maybe he was right for me. I know we’ve been over this.

I know it’s not my fault, but maybe I had all these convoluted feelings about sex because I hadn’t had it before.

The desperation I felt when I was with him because I was in my thirties.

It all comes down to this loneliness I’ve often felt in the pit of my stomach that’s never gone away.

And it’s a feeling I’ve always felt so guilty of. ”

“We’re going to take this one issue at a time. With everything we’ve covered prior, you know that it wasn’t your fault, correct? That your feelings, no matter how convoluted they might seem, aren’t up for debate b y another person, especially if you aren’t actively harming them.”

Willa nodded. “I know, and I think I sort of brought myself back to that understanding after last night, and everything was fine, but then I came home and couldn’t sleep all night, so I called my mum, and when she asked me if something was bothering me, I sort of just spiraled.”

Marie bobbed her head, nudging Willa to go on.

“She had every right to ask. I’m sure she could sense I was off, but that’s just it…

I became more aware of my loneliness when I was back home for my brother’s wedding.

I couldn’t help but feel like everyone was secretly concerned for me.

Poor little Willa, quite literally the only single person in her entire family.

That’s also not a hyperbole, Marie. Even the youngest person in my family has a significant other. And then there’s me.”

Willa fought back tears. “These feelings I have… it’s just,” she hesitated, unsure how to continue and bring the most painful part of her reality into words. The part she always felt was too petty and silly to experience this much agony over.

“It’s just what?” Marie commenced.

“It’s just foolish to feel so lonely because you aren’t someone’s number one choice romantically.

It brings all these other emotions to the surface because I’ve never been someone’s first choice.

I’ve never been the first phone call. All my friends have their people.

I’ve always been so fortunate to have many close friends, but I am never the first person on the list, coming only after various other people.

And again, I get it. This is life. It feels childish to care.

It feels selfish. I should be content in my singleness and my freedom.

I just…I—that’s why I give men like Alden a chance, hoping that I might be their first choice in everything. Their person. Their partner.”

Marie looked at Willa with the very warmth that always comforted her during these sessions .

“This is the first time you’ve expressed this without bouncing around the words, Willa. I’m proud of you. It’s a big step to admit and see what’s so clearly bothering you. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a romantic relationship. It’s a perfectly natural desire.”

Tears prickled Willa’s eyes and fell as quickly as they made their presence known. “But it hurts, and I want it to stop. And the worst part is that I…I think caring could be more harmful than helpful.”

“Well, if you didn’t care, then you wouldn’t be you.

It’s not uncommon to be aware of this type of loneliness, especially when you’re surrounded by people who are coupled.

It’s also not wrong, but it’s something that we can work around.

What’s making you think that caring causes more damage than good? ”

Willa sighed, pushing the pain down and willing herself to open up. “Because I might’ve found the person who’s most important to me, and I’m scared I’ll ruin everything because I’m developing feelings for him.”

“Ethan?”

Willa confirmed wordlessly.

“When did this start?”

Willa placed her elbows on the desk and drew her fingers back to her face.

“Very recently. I realized a while back that I felt close to him in a way that’s so sizably different than with anyone else.

I feel safe with him, entirely comfortable in every way, and I know he cares about me in the same way.

But what if I only feel that way because I’m lonely and because I desperately want someone or something who’s all mine?

What if I’m projecting my desires and seeing something that isn’t actually there? ”

“Anytime you’ve spoken about Ethan to me, you’ve made him sound like an absolute gentleman, even in the early days when you weren’t as close. Do you think he feels the same way?”

Willa shook her head. “I don’t know. We do a lot of things together. We check in on each other constantly, but even if he had the same romantic feelings, I…I wouldn’t want to date him. I wouldn’t want to risk it.”

“Why is that?” Marie asked.

Willa huffed a sharp inhale. Every single one of her worst-case scenarios, playing on a loop like a song stuck on replay.

“Because I’m terrified beyond comprehension to lose him.

I can’t—I can’t imagine my life without him.

And the thought of losing him in any capacity shatters my heart into pieces.

I can’t even think about the day when we complete our run of the show and what will happen then.

But the idea of dating him when we’re as close as we are and then something ruining it would hurt far more than anything else. I just know it.”

Small tears weren’t merely falling; Willa was openly crying, everything inside of her tight and heavy.

“Ethan is…Well, he’s Ethan. He’s my best friend.

He’s my choice in everything. If he weren’t the one beside me yesterday when everything happened, he would’ve been the one I’d have wanted to run to.

He’s the one I’m looking for in a crowded room, the one I’m sitting next to and gravitating toward.

I know now that it will devastate me when he finds someone—when I have to watch him fall in love with someone who isn’t me.

But I’d rather have him as my friend than lose him fully because we screwed up something perfect.

I don’t know if I’m his choice, but it scares me in every way because he’s mine. ”

“But what if it lasts? What if he feels the same way, and you two make it? You’re good at taking risks, Willa. It got you where you are today.”

Willa looked down for a beat, her eyes stinging, her heart in shambles. “I know, but it’s Ethan,” she managed to mumble.

“Do you believe that you have to choose yourself every day? That this is something we’ve worked on for a while now together? ”

Willa nodded.

“Have you been keeping up with it?”

She thought about it for a beat. She hadn’t, not intentionally, at least.

“I think I’ve gotten better at it, but I haven’t been deliberate about it.”

Marie smiled at the response. “I believe you have your answer there. You do a lot of things with careful intentions; you’ve expressed as much to me time and again, but you don’t choose yourself. And sometimes, choosing yourself means taking those chances that terrify the daylights out of you.”

“I just don’t want to be in the same situation again, reeling from another breakup that didn’t work out and losing my best friend in the process.”

“None of us ever want to lose those we love. But if it happens, we have coping mechanisms for a reason. You’ve gone through many hurdles and heartbreaks in your life.

You’d get through that, too,” she took a beat.

“You cannot control his feelings if they aren’t there, but if they are, it could also work out. ”

Willa took in her words, trying to fuse them into the loud corridors in her mind that were bustling with hard-to-ignore screams.

Their session was coming to an end with five minutes left on the clock. Willa couldn’t say anything; she didn’t know how to respond, what to add—she needed to think.

“I wish I had the answer to whether it’d work out or not,” she said aloud, more so to the air than to Marie.

“Unfortunately, in that regard, only one other person can give you the answer you’re looking for.”

Willa concurred.

“How has the show been going?”

She gleamed at the question. Talking about Midnights at Pemberley always brought elation to the forefront. “Every night has been magical so far, grueling and so very exhausting, but it’s worth every minute. I wouldn’t change any of it.”

Marie smiled proudly. “I’m so happy to hear that, Willa. I’m hoping I can see it one of these days. My husband and I are both fans of musicals.”

“I love hearing that. The critical reception has been great, so I’m sure you’d enjoy it.”

“Is there anything else you’d like to address before we end our session today?”

Willa considered for a moment but shook her head. “I think I’m okay for now. It does feel a bit liberating to say those words out loud to someone else.”

“That is why I’m here,” Marie affirmed. “I’ll see you in two weeks?”

Willa waved her right hand. “Yup. Thank you for everything, Marie. Really.”

When the video call ended, Willa leaned back against the chair and took a deep breath. She reached for her tea, but it’d gone cold. She took a small sip, letting another lone tear fall at the aches and consolations clashing in her chest.

She was going to see Ethan in a few hours and be with him for a little while, just the two of them. And no matter her feelings, with Ethan, even when the time they spent together was short, it was always comfortable.

Being around him was easy—calming, even when she gazed into his deep blue eyes and thought of kissing him.