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“Actually, not.”
“Ignoring the problem won’t make it go away. And if you’re not pregnant, at least that weight won’t be on your shoulders and you can just go back to being Ms. Lonely Broken Heart.”
I glare some more.
“Oh, come on. Everyone who knows you knows you’re head-over-heels for the guy.”
“Can we stick to one problem at a time please?”
She picks up the four tests. “Just take them. If it’s a tie, I’ll go buy another one. Knowing is going to be better than not knowing.”
I get what she’s saying. But she’s wrong. Not knowing is better.
Not knowing if there is a life inside me that I’ll grow to love. Not knowing if that life is going to be ripped away so painfully that it will leave a permanent scar.Anotherpermanent scar. Not knowing if I’d be able to go on living after going through that a second time when the first nearly broke me. Not knowing if I’d be able to step away from the edge of the bridge this time, but that I might just let myself fall fifty feet into the rocky ravine below.
Instead of telling Mia any of that, I take the tests from her and go into the bathroom, throwing up three times before peeing on them.
Chapter Fifteen
Allie
Mia brings me a piece of dry toast. “Try this.”
“I don’t want to eat.”
“Allie, you’ve thrown up ten times in the past hour. You have to eat something.” She shoves it at me and I take a small bite to appease her. “I ran into your mom in the kitchen. I told her we’re taking a girls’ day. She said it sounded like a good idea since you’ve been off lately.”
“Off.” I stare at the four positive tests. “That’s one way to describe it.” I rub my red and swollen eyes. “What am I going to do, Mia?”
She hands me my phone. “Maybe call the guy you’re in love with? You know,the father?”
I take it but toss it on the bed. “No.”
“You’re not telling him?”
“I can’t even wrap my mind around it. I’m not going to burden Asher with this.”
“If you think it would be a burden to him, you don’t know him very well. Allie, that guy would marry you today if he knew you were pregnant.”
I pull my knees to my chest. “I’m not putting him through this.”
“So, what? You want an abortion?”
“I don’t know what I want.”
“How far along do you think you are?”
I shrug. “You know how whacky my periods can be. I have no idea.” I close my eyes and sigh. “I could be four weeks or four months.”
“You are not four months. You’d be showing. I remember Maddie Calloway once saying she showed a lot earlier with her second because she’d already been stretched out once before.”
I run a hand across my middle. “Here’s the thing, though. I think I already am. My clothes are tight. I know I’ve gained weight. I thought it was because I wasn’t running as much.”
“There’s only one way to find out.” She pulls out her phone. “My cousin can be discreet. I know he’d see you privately.”
I belt out an incredulous scoff. “Hudson McQuaid? Are you fucking crazy?”
She shrugs. “He works with high-risk pregnancies. And he’s proven he can keep his trap shut. Remember when Jaxon Calloway knocked up two women at one time?”