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Making my way back to my room, passing couple after couple, I’m confronted by what’s come to be one of my greatest fears—not having Allie in my life. And I swear right here and now, the next time I go to the city, I’m going to tell her. I’m going to tell her how I feel. And what’s more—I’m going to make her listen until she hears it.
Chapter Thirteen
Allie
I look out the window at the shrinking island, glad to be putting distance between myself and the place that now holds so many more new memories.
I can’t believe I caved to his charm. I was ready to end things. Ishouldhave ended things. His relationship with his daughter is what he should be focused on, not booty calls in the city.
But every time I close my eyes, I see him. Not just him. Him holding Mitchell. And sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and it’s him holding Christopher.
I stare out at the clouds. Asher never would have up and left like Jason did. He’s not that kind of man. He would have stood by me through every fear, every diagnostic test, every last contraction. And he’s the one who would have been by my side as Christopher took his last breath.
The way he was holding Mitchell, it was gentle and kind. It’s the same way he is with Bug, even though she’s so much older. He rarely even raises his voice at her. Even when she does stupid shit like jump into a pool in the middle of a rehearsal dinner.
The man was born to be a dad. It makes me feel kind of bad for him, knowing what little I know about his past. The two of us don’t really talk about it, but Marti has become a good friend of mine and she’s told me about the struggles he and his ex-wife went through. She told me how torn up he was when Stella left him. Because apparently, not only was Asher Anderson born to be a dad, he was born to be a husband.
My stomach flips over when the plane hits a tiny bit of turbulence.
I feel sick knowing that the longer Asher and I keep doing what we’re doing, the longer he has to wait to become the husband he deserves to be—something he simply can’t have with me.
I’m the only one he’s seen since the day we met. While it’s the same for me, I’ve never told him as much. I’ve never told him because what we’re doing we’re doing for very different reasons. His reasons I can see in his eyes every time we’re together. And those reasons are becoming stronger, especially since watching Marti and Dallas get married. He sees a future. Marriage. Maybe even kids. It’s a future I can’t give him. But one he deserves.
My stomach in knots, I quickly unbuckle my seatbelt and race back to the bathroom, barely making it in time to lose my breakfast into the cold, hard, steel toilet.
I splash water on my face and rinse out my mouth. Then I stop at the minibar on the way back to my seat.
Mom leaves Maisy and Charlie with some paper and crayons and takes the seat next to me. “Everything okay?” She brushes hair out of my eyes. “You look a little green.”
“I think I might have gotten what Charlie had a few days ago.”
She glances back at Charlie, who is now officially her grandson. She’s been tasked with babysitting him for the next week while Marti and Dallas remain in Antigua to honeymoon. Her eyes narrow. “What Charlie had a few days ago was a case of eating too much wedding cake.”
I glance back out the window. “Must be the turbulence then.”
“Mmm,” she mumbles. “Or maybe you’re just missing him more than you’d like to admit?”
When I don’t acknowledge her question, she adds, “I’ve seen you out wandering the beach, Allie. You’ve seemed sadthese past few days. Like when he left, he took a piece of you with him.” She pats my arm. “I’m sure you’ll see him soon enough.”
I don’t tell her what she said is spot on. I do miss him. And he did take a piece of me. I also don’t tell her that’s the reason Iwon’tsee him soon enough. I’ve let this go on too long as it is. He’s caught too many feelings. I’ve caught them too. But we’re not in the same place. We’ll never be in the same place. And it’s not fair to keep stringing him along. Eventually, he’ll want more. He’ll want all of me. He said so himself when he declared we shouldn’t let Bug keep us apart. That means he’s ready for the next step: being together.
In a perfect world, wewouldbe together. In a perfect world, he’d move to Calloway Creek and ask me to be his girlfriend. In a perfect world, we’d go on regular dates and walk around town holding hands.
In a perfect world, his daughter would warm up to me and we’d become friends, and someday, family.
But my world is far from perfect. Perfect died for me when I held a tiny little boy in my arms as he drew his last breath.
“Excuse me.” I jump out of my seat, stride back to the bathroom again, and throw up until there’s nothing left inside me but the emptiness I feel.
Chapter Fourteen
Allie
I’m grateful it’s a Monday and there are no events at work today. Because I’m not sure I want to leave the warm snuggly feeling of my comfy bed. Mondays are slow days at the winery for me. I usually catch up on paperwork and prepare for the week’s tastings. If we have any parties or weddings scheduled for the upcoming weekend, I’ll make phone calls and make sure everything is on track. All things I plan on doing from home today. And maybe even from bed.
Besides, I can rely on Natasha, my assistant, to pick up the slack. Something she’s had to do a lot lately.
It’s not lost on me that I’ve felt this way for weeks. Ever since returning from Antigua, to be exact. The desire to work, to exercise, to eat, hell, to even shower, it’s just… gone.