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I scoot up into a more comfortable position and Asher puts Christina in my arms. I can’t help the sob that bellows out of me when she latches on. I was never able to nurse Christopher. I pumped and he ate my breast milk, but I never got to feel the sensation of him nursing at my breast. I think it’s the most incredible feeling I’ve ever had.
“Look at that,” Asher says in amazement. “She’s doing it like a champ.”
“You should probably go tell the masses that she’s here. I’m sure they’re all waiting for news.”
“Are you sure?”
I nod.
He kisses my head. “I’ll just be a minute. Don’t want to miss the second act.”
By the time he returns a few minutes later, Christina is asleep on my breast. And I feel a sudden build up of pressure. “Hudson?”
“Are you feeling like you have to push?”
I nod and hand the baby off to Asher as Hudson does another ultrasound. Looking pleased, he announces, “Still head down.” He puts on a new pair of gloves and checks inside. “And I can feel his head. Whenever you want to push, Allie. This one should come easier.”
I close my eyes, hoping he’s right.
I feel a kiss on the side of my head. When I look up, I see Asher. But he’s no longer holding Christina. “Where is she?” I ask, worried.
He nods to my left. Despite my exhaustion, I smile big when I see Bug sitting on a stool holding her sister like she’s made of glass.
“Come on,” Asher says. “Let’s meet our son.”
After I push five or six times, Hudson says a bunch of stuff to the other staff and people move swiftly around down there.
“What’s wrong?”
“Allie, stop pushing. Do not push, okay? No matter how much pressure you feel.”
“Hudson, what’s going on?”
“The cord is around his neck. I’m working on freeing it.”
My eyes flood with tears. “Oh my god.”
Asher grips my shoulders, wrapping me in a half-hug. I hear Bug crying.
“Maybe we should get her out of here,” a nurse says.
“No, please. He’s my brother. I want to stay. Please.”
“I’ve got it,” Hudson says. “Cord is free. Push, Allie. Give it everything you’ve got.”
Still terrified beyond belief, I push until I feel I’ve broken every blood vessel in my face.
“He’s out.”
I lie back, relieved, but then I realize I haven’t heard him cry. I look up at Asher. He looks as terrified as I feel as people shuffle around the room. I close my eyes and see only one thing: Christopher. Is he about to be joined by his brother? Am I about to hold another dead child in my arms? Am I destined not to ever have a son?
I hear Bug’s voice. It’s weak and broken. “I did this. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.”
A nurse takes Christina from her arms, then another nurse escorts Bug out of the room. The whole time she’s mumbling how sorry she is.
I look at Asher again and ask him the question I fear more than any other question I’ve ever asked before. “Is he dead?”
Chapter Forty-four