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Asher
Time has slowed to a halt while they work on my lifeless son. It feels like minutes have passed when I’m sure it’s only been seconds. When he finally cries out, his cries are met with cheers from the healthcare team. And it’s now when I start breathing too.
Allie bellows out a sob. “He’s alive? Is he okay?”
I sit on the stool next to the bed, my legs barely able to hold me up as the last minute of my life has been the most stressful of my entire forty-one years. “He’s crying. That’s a good sign.”
Allies rises on an elbow. “Hudson?”
He looks to the neonatologist for confirmation. “One minute Apgar is seven. That’s acceptable. But I’d like to take him to the NICU for monitoring. Standard procedure in situations like this.”
“What is the situation exactly?” Allie asks, her head likely still fuzzy from lost sleep and… everything.
“The cord was around his neck,” the neonatologist says. “While he wasn’t without oxygen for a prolonged period, he did require stimulation and a bag mask to get him breathing. He’s looking healthy, but to be safe, we’ll monitor him there for a while.” He swaddles the baby and brings him to Allie. “You can hold him for a minute. This little guy is six pounds on the dot. A healthy weight.”
Allie welcomes him into her arms. She studies him, crying happy tears. “You look nothing like your sister. And you definitely have your dad’s nose.” She glances at me. “He’s all you. And that makes me so, so happy.” Alex makes a noise then his eyes open and he looks directly at Allie. “Alex Christopher,” shesays, her voice hitching on his name. “You’ve got big shoes to fill.” She kisses him. “And you also happen to have the world’s best guardian angel.”
“We should go,” the neonatologist says. But before they leave, the nurse puts a second ID band on Allie’s wrist and then mine.
“Go with him,” Allie tells me. “He needs you. And Asher, find Bug. She needs reassurance.”
It hits me again what Bug said about it being her fault.
“You’ll be all right?” I look to Hudson for the answer.
“Placentas are coming out now. She should be back in her room shortly. I’ve got her.”
“Thanks, Hudson. For everything.”
“You’re welcome.”
I glance at Christina, who’s sleeping peacefully in the baby warmer, and I follow the other doctor as he pushes Alex’s warmer out the door. But then I see Bug at the end of the hallway, curled into a ball on a chair while being consoled by a nurse.
“Um, where’s the NICU? I need to do something real quick.”
The doctor points. “End of the hall to the right. Ring the bell and show your ID band.”
I put a hand on my son’s head to let him know I’ll be right behind him. Then I walk to the chairs and nod to the nurse, who gets up and walks away. I sit and put an arm around her. “He’s going to be okay.”
“He w-wasn’t crying. And they had the m-mask thing on his face.”
“He just needed a little help. He’s okay now. They just need to monitor him for a few hours.”
“It’s all my fault. He wasn’t breathing. If I hadn’t opened the door, she wouldn’t have fallen. It’s my fault. I did this.”
“Hold on there, sweetie. Slow down. Start from the beginning. What do you mean she fell? Allie? When?”
She looks up at me with red-rimmed eyes, makeup smeared beneath them. “She didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what? I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
She shakes her head. “It was a few months ago. Allie and I had kind of a fight. She wanted in my room but my door was locked. I didn’t know she was leaning against it and when I opened it, she fell.”
My jaw drops in abject horror. “Down the stairs?”
“Into the room. I just know something happened. That’s when the cord got wrapped around his neck, isn’t it? She said the doctor told her everything was okay, but it wasn’t. He wasn’t breathing, Dad. What if he went too long? What if what I did makes him have CP like Christian? That’s what he said caused it, that they think he may have been deprived of oxygen during birth. What if it’s the same with Alex?” She rocks back and forth, hands clutching her knees to her chest. “What did I do?”
I catch a glimpse of Hudson coming out of the OR. “Dr. McQuaid?” I wave him over.