Page 34

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a runner. It doesn’t matter if it’s snowing or raining outside, or even if it’s a hundred degrees, being out on the trails of Calloway Creek has become a part of my daily routine. But lately, nothing about my life is routine. And the lack of running is definitely showing on my waistline.
It’s like there’s this divide in my life. It feels a lot like when Christopher died. Back then, I defined everything in terms of ‘before Christopher’ and ‘after Christopher.’ But today, and for the past month, it’s felt like I’m in the ‘after Asher’ phase of my life.
But the funny thing is,hedoesn’t even know we’re in the ‘after.’ I’m the only one privy to that piece of information. He just thinks I was tied up with work obligations when he came to the city last week.
I roll over and pull a pillow tightly against me, squeezing my eyes shut, knowing it’s better this way. A clean break. For him. For me. And definitely for Bug.
Okay, so maybe I should be an adult about it and just tell him it’s over. But every time I pick up my phone, it’s like my stomach lurches up into my throat and I feel sick.
As if my phone is trying to tell me to get on with it, it vibrates.Please don’t be Asher.
Mia: You’re not bailing on me again, are you? I’ve been waiting for fifteen minutes.
I lean into the pillow. Right. It’s Monday. Every Monday morning for the past five years, Mia and I have met at the trailhead behind the Calloway Creek playground to run five miles. Our schedules differ so much, it’s the one time we could coordinate it. Mia’s hours are all over the place as she and her brothers take turns manning the tow truck, but she always saves Monday mornings for us. Which makes me feel guilty for bailing. Again.
But not guilty enough to get out of bed and put on my running clothes. Maybe I’ll just do some yoga later. That will make me feel better.
Me: Sorry. I’m just not feeling up to it.
Mia: You haven’t run with me in weeks. Sulking over him isn’t going to make you feel any better. If it’s that hard to be without him, don’t.
I close my eyes and let my head fall back against the pillow. Mia is the only one who knows I’m done with him. Sometimes I regret telling her. Because she brings it up all the time. And whenever she brings it up, my stomach rolls like it’s telling mewhat I’m doing is wrong and I’m a terrible person. But I know deep down, what I’m doing is right. He deserves better. He deserves more. And I’m really tired of talking about it with her.
Me: Is this you being supportive?
Mia: I’m just saying, you’re a different person now. You never want to go out. You came back from Antigua with an awesome tan, but it’s like you’re pale all the time. It’s strange. And you don’t like to do all the things you love. Allie, I think you’re depressed.
Me: I’m not depressed.
I’m also full of shit from the top of my head to the bottoms of my feet. Because I’m totally depressed. I’m so depressed in fact, that the only other time in my life I’ve ever felt like this was after getting the horrible news about the blood test when I was pregnant with Christopher.
I drop my phone and sit straight up in bed. Oh, holy shit.No, no, no, no, no.
Reality hits me like bricks falling off a skyscraper. I’ve been tired. Cranky. Nauseous at times. And definitely putting on weight. All things I attributed to the abrupt halt of my exercise routine.
I swallow hard, trying to remember my last period. It’s never come like clockwork due to the progestin-only pills I take. But since most other birth control pills cause me to have migraines, they are the only ones that work for me. And those types of pills tend to come with side effects like irregular bleeding, spotting between periods, or no periods at all.
Progestin-only pills also aren’t as reliable as regular pills. It’s why I’ve always insisted on using condoms as well. Together, the two should be a virtual fortress against pregnancy.
My stomach rolls when I remember that time Asher and I got so rough and playful, we actually lost the condom. As in I had to dig it out from deep inside me. It was embarrassing and super awkward, but we just laughed about it. That was… I think back and suddenly feel better when I realize how long ago it was. Months. Maybe even three. I’d be in the clear.
But… but…
Something inside me just knows I can’t explain away how I’ve been feeling.
I can’t push it off as sadness over a guy I may or may not secretly be in love with but who I’m trying to spare a life full of regrets.
With my eyes closed tightly, I reach up and grab my breasts, praying they won’t be tender.
They are.
Of course they are.
I roll over and curl up into a ball, ignoring the texts Mia continues to send. Because my life is shit. And this situation is shit. And everything is shit. And I just… can’t.
~ ~ ~
Footsteps echo in the back hallway, on the outside staircase to my apartment over my parents’ garage. Then there’s a banging at the door.