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CHAPTER TWENTY
TEMPERANCE
Once the game was over, we booked it out of the crowd and headed back toward the parking lot. I didn’t want to take the chance of running into Asher or Damian, and I also didn’t want to run into Eric, either. Seriously, what a dick.
When we got to the parking lot, Luna put her hand on my lower back. “Hey, you okay? You’ve been really silent and kinda weird since the game.”
I hadn’t said a word the whole way back, so I understood why she was concerned. It wasn’t that Iwantedto be silent. It’s just that I couldn’t stop thinking about Harper. I desperately wanted to find a way to make that girl see I wasn’t her enemy.
But even if I did… Then what?
It wasn’t like we had anything in common. She was rainbows and unicorns, and I was…not.She had a hot pink car worth over a hundred thousand dollars, and I had an old muscle car worth a third of that. Half at most. Her music and movie tastes were different. Our personalities. The things we valued. The things we found funny or amusing. I could go on and on. It wasalldifferent.
How could we be friends?
What the hell was I trying to protect or grow? We were as different as night and day. She was the sun, and I was the moon. We would never be able to exist with one another except those rare times when an eclipse happened. So why was I so obsessed with it?
Therapy can’t fucking come soon enough,I thought.
“I’m sorry,” I said finally, realizing I’d gone quiet again. I was grateful for Luna’s patience. “I just have a lot on my mind. A lot of things I need to work out.”
“You wanna talk about it?” she asked, her hand rubbing a gentle circle between my shoulder blades.
I shook my head. “There are so many things I want to talk about. So many things I want to say, and I can’t. One day I’ll be able to, and be prepared, because I’ll probably unleash on you.”
She smiled, but I noticed the worry in her expression when she looked at me.
“Why can’t you talk about it?” Justin asked. His tone was the same as always. Carefree and inquisitive without sounding demanding or pushy.
I shrugged. “I can’t even explain that.” I thought for a moment, stopping when we arrived at my car. I turned to face them. “Look… I’m not big on secrets and lies. Especially when it comes to people I like or care about. There are things—alotof things—I haven’t told you. Not because I don’t want to. Not because I don’t trust you. But because Ican’t. Not yet. Think of it like an NDA for right now. There will be a time, hopefully soon, when I’ll be able to tell you everything, but now is not the time.”
“What made you tell us that? I mean, if you don’t want us to know, that is. I’m not saying I disagree. I assume you have your reasons, and I trust that. But if you don’t want us to know, why say anything at all?” Luna asked.
The left corner of my mouth turned up in a small, sad smile. “You know those movies where one person keeps a secret from another, and it almost always causes problems? The type of problems youscreamat the TV for them to justtalkto the other person about because it would fix the problem?”
They both nodded, and I continued.
“Well, I don’t want that to happen. Eventually, there would be a breakdown in communication, you’d feel like I was hiding things from you, you’d think it was about you or something it definitelyisn’t, and then the friendship would suffer. I’m hoping this will stop that from happening. Yes, I’m hiding things, but it’s because there is an investigation of sorts going on that Icannotspeak about. So, when I go quiet or just stare off into nothingness, that’s where I am. With those thoughts I can’t tell anyone. But at some point, when the need for secrecy passes, I’ll tell you everything. I just don’t want you guys not to trust me because I’m closed off. I’m an open book, but these few pieces of me are closed off for a reason.”
“Can I ask you a question?” Justin asked, his light brown eyes somehow blazing in the yellow-tinted lights in the parking lot. He looked at me much like Javier had at one time—like he would go to war for me if I needed him to.
“Y-yes,” I said, clearing my throat when I realized I stammered like an idiot as I admired him.
“Are you in danger?”
I opened my mouth to answer, but nothing would come out. If I said no, I knew he would know the truth. If I said yes, what would he ask next?
Instead, my hesitation answered for me.
He nodded once. “I see.” His eyes narrowed as he stepped forward, placing his hands on my arms. “If you ever needanything, you can come to me. Understand?” I nodded, unable to speak. “I would never let anyone hurt you.”
I smiled softly, absentmindedly placing my hand on his chest. I realized too late what a mistake that was as the heat from his body burned into my palm.
“It’s… more complicated than that,” I said. “I’m not in any direct danger. I’m at Crestview to keep me safe. Otherwise, I’d be finishing school back in Indiana.”
Luna snorted. “Fat lotta goodthatdid. You’re getting hazed here every day.”
I rolled my eyes. “No shit.” A sigh escaped me as I closed my eyes. When I opened them, I looked at each of their faces. “I’ll be fine, but I refuse to put anyone else at risk. The circumstances surrounding…the car accidentare suspicious. Just know I adore you both, and I would never lie to you about anything—exceptthis. And Iwillcontinue to lie about it or avoid talking about it until it’s resolved. I have no choice. I didn’t want to say anything, but I didn’t want you to keep having to ask me if I’m okay when I zone out like that. I know you’re worried about me already, and that would only add to it.”