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carter

Sleep eludes me. Food is tasteless. My drive is gone.

This is exactly what I didn’t fucking want.

I never wanted to be so wrapped up in another person that they had the power to destroy me.

I’m a shell of the person I was before Griffin Nash walked into my life uninvited and flipped the entire fucking thing off its axis.

This is why I stick to transactional, emotionless sex.

Finn’s words ring in my head, “ lean in,” churning the bile around in my stomach.

How could I have let myself lean into those moments with him?

My walls were taken down for the first time in my life, and I’m stunned stupid I thought even for a moment I was falling for him. Was I that caught up in everything?

I should be panicking, I should be angry.

But all I feel is the bitter sting of regret.

Regret over letting myself fall into Finn’s clutches so easily.

Regret over being so goddamn weak when it comes to him, regret for falling for him.

Because that’s what happened, isn’t it? I don’t do feelings, and this is why.

I can’t believe I didn’t fight it harder.

I was stupid to think for even a moment that I could give him parts of me without falling for him. Fucking stupid.

My heart feels like it’s in goddamn pieces, my emotions so raw and unrelenting.

I would rather go back to feeling numb all the time than feel the pain of losing someone I can never have.

He should never have gotten this much control over me, so much so that when I saw her in his room, quickly getting dressed, Finn’s face panicked like he was desperately scared of me finding his dirty little secret, it shattered me completely.

I’m furious at myself for allowing this to happen.

There’s a nagging voice in the recesses of my mind telling me that everything was a lie, that he was fucking with me and could share the information with whoever he wanted. Aspen Ridge’s sex-crazed youngest child, looking for attention because he’s sad and didn’t get enough of it at home.

Would he really do that? The pain in my heart stabs violently, a relentless reminder of how far I’ve fallen and all the control I lost to him. Sawyer was right when he explained how he felt when Ivy left. Finn took my fucking heart and now I have to learn to survive without it.

I go through my morning routine when my phone buzzes with an incoming text. He’s been texting me once a day, and I’m just pathetic and heartbroken enough that I find myself waiting for it to come.

Finn: Please give me a chance to explain.

Finn: I miss you

Finn: I promise it wasn’t what it looked like, but I want to explain in person.

Finn: I’m watching Spiderman. The Tom Holland one.

Finn: What we have is real, lover, it’s not just going to go away

Finn: Plese tkl to me. I need u

Finn: I hope you’re doing ok. I can’t stop thinking about you.

Finn: I dreamed of you last night, of your beautiful face resting on my pillow, looking back at me. Your hair was in your face and when I reached out to push it away, you disappeared. I miss you.

Finn: I’m thinking about you, lover. I hope you have a good day.

I skim through the texts again, reading his latest one, my heart banging against my rib cage.

Fuck this shit. I need to get over this.

I need to come clean to my family that we won’t be getting that feature in the Northwest Explorer, that Finn very well could spread information that paints me in a negative light. Then, I need to be a man and face Finn.

Driving over to my parents’ house, I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, the tension a heavy pressure, but I breathe through the panic clawing its way up my chest, threatening to take over and consume me. I need to hold my shit together and get through this.

The rain pelts down on my windshield, the clouds dark and stormy, the weather reflective of my mood.

I find myself missing the sun that was always out in Emberleigh, or maybe I just miss the little bubble that Finn tucked us into.

It was so easy to fall into a rhythm with him in a place where no one knew us.

Where there was no magazine, no distillery, no family ties pulling us in the direction that loyalty demands.

It was just simple. Until it all came crashing down around us.

I pull down the long lane that leads to my parents’ drive, the wild lupines’ lush colors leading the way, even in the grey haze that covers everything from the dark clouds above.

Needing to get this conversation over with, I jump out of my car, jog up the porch stairs of my house, and knock on the door twice before opening it and slipping off my shoes.

“Hello?”

Sharp nails on wood scatter across the floor with a little bark, and my nerves instantly settle.

“Garbage!” I coo as I drop to my haunches and pick up the little ball of fur. My mom rounds the corner with a genuine smile at the sight of me, and my heart aches at how badly I’m about to disappoint them.

“This is a nice surprise,” she tells me.

Amy Hayes is the most welcoming, patient, loving person, and has always been so supportive of us kids.

I hope my dad is willing to keep my indiscretions between us, because she has to have a line somewhere.

And finding out her youngest boy is a member of a sex club is probably it.

“What’s this angel doing here?” I ask as I pet the sweet puppy.

“ Billy is staying with us while Liam and Hannah take Charlotte camping. They leave in the morning, but I wanted to get him settled today.”

“Why didn’t they ask me? He’s half mine!” I protest like a child. Liam and his daughter, Charlie, found the little thing whining in a dumpster a few months ago. I instantly fell in love with him, and looking back, it’s probably because I’m lonely as fuck.

“Because you’ve been a little preoccupied, son.”

She’s not wrong.

After giving Billy a bunch of love, I stand and brush off the dog hair clinging to my pants and shirt.

“Dad home?”

“You know where to find him, I’m going to get a few things done around here.”

“Thanks, Mom,” I say, giving her a big hug and pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

I walk through their house, knowing that my dad will be in his office or the formal dining room where the bar is.

Whiskey runs through his blood, having grown up on the grounds while his grandfather and father continued to grow the distillery to what it is now.

Their shoes are hard to fill, and while it seems like my brothers aren’t feeling the pressure of that, I sure as shit am.

Especially because my position is new, as in, I’m the first person to ever hold it.

“Hey, Dad, you busy?”

“C’mon in.”

“I wish I was coming here with good news, wanted it to be a surprise once it was done, but now it’s not going to happen, and if it does, it just may not be great, and I want to let you know face-to-face.”

He takes a seat on one of the barstools that surround his in-home bar and gives me his full attention. His words come out slightly slurred, with a bit of a stutter, but he holds strong and doesn’t let it stop his communication. He’s such a strong role model for all of us and always has been.

“You can tell me anything, and we’ll figure out how to get through it as a family.”

Here we go.

“A few months ago, I was contacted by a big magazine about doing a feature on our family and the distillery. Which was a huge deal. But then they started rescheduling our meetings, taking longer than necessary to email me back, just dicking me around. And . . .” I swallow the lump in my throat before continuing.

“I could be being overly skeptical and worrying for nothing because this may be a stretch, but I don’t get the feeling that they want to do a feature on us, but more of a smear campaign.

Their writer tailed me and, without giving you too much info on your son’s sex life, got some info on me that may not be great for the family or the distillery to have exposed.

” Even if it’s not going to surprise anyone.

“What kind of info?”

Fucking kill me now.

“Can you keep it from Mom for as long as possible?”

“Jesus, how bad can it be, son?”

“I’m a member of a sex club.”

His facial expression doesn’t change, which surprises me.

“Oh, that’s not that bad. Not ideal, but you aren’t exactly quiet about your sex life, son. Is it seedy or clean?”

“Dad, Jesus. Of course it’s safe. That’s the appeal: safe, clean, and it was supposed to be discreet.

But there are red flags everywhere I look.

I haven’t gotten to the bottom of it, but I don’t want to be the reason the distillery gets dragged through the mud.

If this gets out, they could make it look way worse than it is.

I don’t know what way this is going to go, and I regret getting myself tangled up in it, but I need to protect you all from everything you’ve worked hard to create and how far you’ve come.

I think that we should be prepared for me to step down from my position at the distillery to avoid any negative press it could bring. ”

“Carter.” My mom’s voice comes harsh, a tone I’d grown up hearing when she scolded her five heathen children. “That will never be an option.”

“How much of that did you hear, Mom? Or do I need to jump out that window?”

“Stop it. You think I don’t know about sex? You’re almost twenty-six, and I knew you were going to be a wild one the moment I saw you sneaking Savannah Erikson out of the house at fifteen. Plus, how do you think I got five children and two granddaughters?”

God, if you’re real, strike me down right now.

“You’re being rash in your decision, and it sounds like there’s more to it than just your worry over the distillery.”

She could always read every single one of her kids like a book.

“What magazine?” my dad asks, saving me from having to discuss my sex life with my mother.