Page 79 of Vying Girls

When she turns to me with a furrowed brow, I flush. I hadn’t meant that to sound so flirtatious, not sure why I said it at all really. Too much hang time with Haz, I think.

I take a big gulp of my drink, Coke bubbles burning my nose. ‘No worry of that, anyway. Haz and Elly want a sleepover in the lounge.’

‘So I saw.’

‘That includes you, by the way. Not just me.’

‘We’ll see,’ is all she says.

I’m not facing her way, but I know the exact moment she notices what I’m looking at. It’s like the room holds its breath. I hear her shuffle over and lower herself beside me.

‘Wild,’ I say.

‘Yeah.’

I twist the glass in my hands. ‘What does it mean?’

‘That I hate myself enough to remember.’

She might as well have punched me. The mask blurs as tears flood my eyes. ‘It was a good time,’ I husk.

‘Yeah, it was. And then it wasn’t.’

The accusation is so clear in her voice. I shake my head. ‘What did I do to you?’

‘You know what you did.’

‘I was ten,’ I whisper.

‘Yeah. And Damien wasn’t much older than that.’

‘Are you fucking serious?’ I turn my head to her. ‘You’re comparing me to your rapist?’

‘Same damage. Different fonts.’

Standing up, I move away from her. ‘Fuck you, Nic. That’s—fuck you.’

I take a few breaths, sipping on my drink until it unwinds me. ‘I can’t remember that day. It’s like a void. Like my mind just shuts it down.’

‘Lucky for you.’

‘I don’t want to remember. I remember after though.’ I look over. She’s still staring at the mask. ‘You know, after all the fucked-up shit that happened, it was being away from you that hurt the most.’

Nic gives a tiny, wordless nod. Like she felt the same.

‘If I…if I knew it would separate us, I probably never would have said anything to Mum.’

‘So you admit you lied.’

‘No! I didn’t fucking lie, Nic. Are you for real? There werephotos.A whole shit-tonne of them that I found. And all the times he…’

‘That’s enough.’

‘No. Bloody is not. Not until you believe me.’

‘I don’t want to hear it.’

‘Well, I didn’t want to experience it!’ I choke out a laugh. ‘I’m just lucky I found all that shit. Who knows how far he would have gone with me. My God, as if I’m not messed up enough.’