Page 169 of Vying Girls

We sit in silence for a while, the sound of the surf a constant, soothing thrum. My body feels tingly, something like relief bleeding through my veins.

Haz came for me. Maybe she’s got it in her to forgive me too.

She shifts, clearing her throat. ‘So. You’re good?’

I nod, letting out a hum. ‘Just needed some thinking time.’

‘Good for you,’ she says sarcastically. ‘Look, dunno if you know, but it was me who told your coach about the heart thing, not Tilda, so you can get off her case, okay?’

‘You’re kidding?’

She shakes her head, lips pursed. ‘Nope. Skylar told me. I was pissed. Big fucking time. Still am.’ She whacks my shoulder, so hard I wince. ‘Literal fucker not telling us. For dragging Tilda out in the dark like that. You gotta stop with the drugs, man. You just have to.’

‘I know.’ I fold my arms around my knees, chin resting atop them. ‘I’m done with them. I’m done with all of it. Is she alright? Tilda?’

Haz lets out a long breath. ‘Yeah, but Elly isn’t.’

‘Why? What’s up with Elly?’

‘Her grandad. He’s in hospital. Not getting back out. She’s quit uni.’

‘You’re fucking joking.’

‘Do I look like I’m joking? Yeah, Tilda’s with her. They’ll probably stay until the end.’ She draws in a breath, letting it out as a loud sigh. ‘All fucking shit here, man.’

I squeeze my eyes closed, heart breaking in two for Elly. ‘You said she’s quit uni?’

‘Yeah. Maybe she’ll see out the end of this year, but then what’s the point? Her Nan can’t cope. She’s got issues too, and obviously her mum. No one else to look after them all.’

I clench my jaw, tonguing my teeth as I think. ‘She’s not quitting.’

‘Not got a choice, has she?’

‘There’re always choices.’

I look at the horizon through slitted eyes, England’s coastline a dark, hazy blur. There’s rain in the distance, the wind heading this way. It cuts through the top of my hair, making my scalp tingle and matching the hum in my blood.

‘Right.’ I stand up, startling Haz. ‘Help me put my shit away. We’re gonna fucking sort this.’

Because Elly’s family, like Haz, and if there’s only one way to make things up with Tilda, it’s looking after the two girls she loves.

CHAPTER 29

Elly

Closing my eyes, spreadeagled on the bed in the shed, I allow myself a second to justbreathe.They’re all inside. Mum on the sofa, an old duvet squished to one side; Nan taking frequent breaks upstairs because she’s about as shattered as me; Dan weirdly detached from his Xbox and playing games with Taylor instead. And Tilda, amongst it all somewhere.

It’s weird how death brings people together. Is it a guilt thing? An oh-shit-this-is-what-we-should-have-been-doing-this-whole-time thing? Ironic, because it would have been Grandad in the lounge all the time, always ready for company but mostly ignored, everyone so busy with their own lives. Justships passing in the night. Lovable ones, but passing all the same.

The guilt’s kind of eroding. Can’t even really apologise for it. Never get a moment alone with him, and even if I did, he’s not coherent anymore. He’s still awake, falling in and out of whatever delirium dehydration and starvation causes. Mostly just mumbling stuff we can’t make out. We had him try drawing what he was trying to say but he couldn’t grip the pencil right. His frustration made us laugh. It meant he was still in there somewhere, still our grumpy, lovely grandad.

Weirdly, it’s only when I get back here that it sort of gets on top of me. It’s easy enough to stay upbeat at the hospital. It’s what I’m good for. I can joke with Dan, reminisce with Nan, sort Mum out with whatever she needs. Taylor’s good at it too, she’s a lot like me only a hyper version. Tilda’s just about over the shock of seeing her so talkative.

But here, alone, I’m just exhausted. Exhausted and so fucking sad, for me and Grandad both. This isn’t what he wanted for me. He’d be hitting the roof if he knew I’d packed uni in. But hey, we do what we have to and try not to let it crush us in the meantime.

It won’t be much longer, I don’t think. Nan’s still got hope, going on about the nursing home up the road.He just needs some fluids, get that blasted thing unstuck again.The rest of us aren’t carrying the same hope. Certainly not Mum. It’s in her nature to be pessimistic these days, but honestly, it’s just a refreshing dose of reality. Hope can be worse sometimes.

I keep my eyes closed even when I hear the door open. Everyone’s on strict orders not to come in here so I know it can only be one person.