Page 150 of Vying Girls

I close my eyes, wishing,wishing,I could go back in time, to tell my younger self to just stop and think for a moment. Revealing those photos was the catalyst to losing Nic and, fucked-up though it is, if I could go back in time, I’d do it differently. I’d find a way to keep Nic too, because losing her messed me up more than whatever Jack did.

‘What did she do?’ Elly whispers, her voice rough with anguish.

I shrug. ‘What any mum would do. Confronted him. Screamed at him. Contacted the police. Cried,a lot.Screamed at me.’

‘Why would she scream at you?’

‘Because I ruined her life. Me showing her those photos ruined everything for everyone.’

Haz scoffs, shaking her head savagely, too enraged to correct me.

‘They left the house pretty quickly, him and Nic. Back to their old house we didn’t even know they still had. Never saw them again. Mum said he was in prison. Couldn’t give a shit about Nic whenever I asked, which was literally all the time for months on end.’

‘But he’d hanged himself,’ Elly supplies gently.

‘Yup. That was definitely news to me. I asked her about it this morning.’

She takes my hand. ‘Is that why you went home?’

‘Sort of. I just needed to know things and Nic was hazing me out, as per, and, yeah, I just lost it a bit.’

‘So what’s the deal with Nic?’ Haz’s voice is flat. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it’s because she doesn’t care. But I know it’s exactly the opposite.

‘She blames me,’ I say quietly. ‘She thinks I made it all up. I think, anyway. I’m pretty sure. Can’t say we’ve ever talked it out. I don’t know, maybe it’s something her kid brain made up as a way to cope. But Nic being Nic, it just got bigger and darker and turned into this.’

‘That’s it?’ Haz all but shouts. ‘That’s her deal? She thinks you lied about her paedo fucking dad?’

I purse my lips. ‘That’s about it.’

‘Fuck that.’ She shakes her head, eyes burning holes through the opposite wall. ‘Fuck her. That’sfucked!’She stands up, making me jump with the suddenness.

‘Haz…’

‘No, fuck her!’ She slams her hands down on the windowsill, fogging the glass with her angry breaths. She glances at me, just briefly, the protective fire in her eyes startling. ‘You don’t deserve any of it.’

‘No, but…Nic’s hurt too. I mean, shit, first her life gets blown apart, then her dad kills himself, then she gets thrown to Damien which was probably the most fucked-up thing of all of it. We’ve all got our ways to cope. Nic’s was just…well, it was just very Nic.’

Haz shakes her head, gentler this time. ‘It’s fucked you’re defending her.’

‘I know. I just see glimpses sometimes. Of the kid she used to be. She was good back then, you know. Really. I think she might be even more hurt by all of this than me. Promise you won’t hate her on my behalf.’

Haz doesn’t respond, just climbs back on the bed, limbs planted either side of me, and starts raining kisses all over my face.

‘I swear,’ she says, ‘with everything that I am that nothing, fuckingnothing,is going to hurt you like that again. Not for the rest of your fucking life. Not by Nic, not by that fucker Damien,not even by yourself.’ She squeezes my thigh, right where my cuts are. ‘You fucking hear me?’

I smile weakly, too overwhelmed for much else. ‘I fucking hear you.’

She leans her forehead on mine and expels a harsh breath. ‘Good.’ She nods to Elly. ‘You swear too.’

‘Wait, like a vow?’ I smile in a different way now. ‘Are we getting married, right here, right now?’

Haz shakes her wrist, flashing the bead bracelet I’ve not seen her without since slipping it on. ‘Why not? Already halfway there.’

I peek at Elly who pulls herself up, leaning over me to block Haz out.

‘I love you,’ she burrs into my ear. My breath catches, eyes immediately welling. Leaning back, she traces a finger down my cheek. ‘We’re yours for life, babe. Okay?’

I nod, sniffing back tears I’m sick of crying. ‘I love you guys too.’