Page 8

SEVEN

Ellie

NOW

I n between my legs was deliciously sore, and as I turned over, reaching for the man who had fallen asleep at my side.

But the bed was empty. Cold . The sheets were pulled back up, and it shouldn’t have been a surprise that he hadn’t stayed. I knew what we’d promised each other. One last night. But the disappointment coursing through me… that was a surprise. Because no matter how hard I tried to deny it, I’d never really moved on from him. We were like two magnets who couldn’t stay away from each other. The gravitational pull I felt towards him was immense. Unavoidable, yet devastating.

Because he wasn’t mine. This was all we’d ever have.

A piece of paper on my nightstand caught my eye, and I sat up, grabbing it.

I wish things were different. - O

Maybe that was what broke me. The note in his sloppy handwriting and him disappearing without even a goodbye.

I probably deserved it. I’d done the same thing to him years ago, after all. Except I’d ended things completely. With one note, I’d destroyed everything we had.

“Ellie?” Penelope’s voice came through the apartment.

“In here,” I croaked, crumpling up the note in my hand.

A few seconds later, my best friend opened the door, catching sight of me sitting in bed. I probably looked like a wreck, especially after all the sex last night. Meanwhile, she was wearing a pair of running shorts with a workout shirt, her curly red hair pulled up into a ponytail, like she’d just been out for a run.

Meanwhile, I was wearing a giant t-shirt and a pair of panties I’d pulled on before we’d fallen asleep together, post another round of amazing sex.

“Oh, El.” Her voice was soft. “Are you okay?”

I shook my head. “N-no.”

Kicking off her shoes, she climbed onto my bed, pulling me into her arms. I cried onto her shoulder, not caring about how pathetic I was right now. “I made a mistake.”

There was probably snot on her shirt, but she didn’t seem to care. Penelope rubbed a hand down my back. “By sleeping with him?” she prompted. So she had known where her older brother had spent the night. I would have been embarrassed if I hadn’t been crying. We talked about a lot of things, but never sex with her brother. It’s not like we’d had much to talk about, anyway.

“No.” I sniffled. “Letting him go.” I opened my fist, his note still in my hand. “It’s over.” He was probably back in Seattle by now. “For good now, I guess.” It had been over. So why was I so upset? Why did this feel like my entire foundation had crumbled underneath me?

“Oh, babe.” She hugged me tighter. “It’s going to be okay.”

I was blubbering, and I could barely even get the words out. “I know what I told him. It was just supposed to be one night. It was my idea. But?—”

“But you want more.”

I nodded. “Maybe that’s always been the problem. I’ve always wanted more than I could have. But he’s not mine, Penelope.” And he hadn’t been in a long time.

“What happened?” She was quiet as I rested my head on her shoulder, cuddling against her. “You never told me, you know. Why you broke up with my brother?”

I shook my head. “I can’t—” I wasn’t ready to talk about it. Would I ever be? I didn’t know.

“I’m calling in backup,” Penny said, squeezing my hand.

Letting out a breath, I wrapped my arms around my middle. “I don’t want to see anyone. I feel pathetic. How weak am I?” One kiss, and I was a puddle at his feet. One night, and I wanted everything I’d given up all those years ago.

“Loving someone doesn’t make you weak, Ellie. It makes you strong.”

I shook my head. It didn’t feel like that. She left the room, and I forced myself to stop crying.

Sniffling, I got up, dragging myself to the shower. Part of me mourned losing his scent that still clung to my skin, but the other part of me knew I couldn’t move on while I could still smell him. He’d always smelled clean and fresh, with an undercurrent of pine and snow, like the mountains. And then there was something uniquely him, that delicious musk of man that couldn’t be replicated no matter how hard they tried with candles or cologne.

My giant t-shirt came off, and I let the water run over my body, washing the places where he’d embraced me with his mouth. Hating that it meant I lost that last connection with him.

The last time we’d been together, it had been nothing like that. Our first time had been awkward and fumbling and yet, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything. Because I’d loved him, and we’d shared that moment together.

But now… a sour taste filled my mouth, thinking about ho w many women he’d probably been with. How many girls would have thrown themselves at him simply because he was a hockey player in the NHL? That he could have taken a girl up to his hotel room in every city across the country.

You gave him up, I reminded myself. I took a deep breath and then washed my hair, rubbing at my scalp. Like I could wash all of it away.

When I finally dried off thirty minutes later, pulling on a pair of cozy sweats and walking out of my bedroom, I found my mom standing in my living room; her eyes a little too perceptive. Like she knew how long I’d been nursing this broken heart. Like she knew, somehow, that I was broken all over again.

“Mom,” I started, falling into her open arms.

“What’s wrong, sweet girl?” She ran her hand over the back of my wet hair.

I closed my eyes, inhaling her scent, trying to steady myself. “He’s gone .”

My mom and I had always been close. Maybe that was why I felt so comfortable falling apart in her arms. She rubbed my back, and even though it felt like I had no tears left to cry, I just let her embrace warm me from the inside out. Penelope had disappeared into her room, probably sensing I needed a moment alone with my mother.

When I finally pulled away, she ran her thumbs across my cheekbone. “Feel better?”

“No,” I mumbled, wishing something as simple as a hug could make all my problems go away. “Did I ruin everything, Mom?”

She sighed, guiding me to the couch and then sitting down next to me. “Only you can decide that, honey. What do you want?” That was the problem. I didn’t know what I wanted. Except… maybe I did, and that was the problem. Maybe I’d just stuffed it away for so long. And what could I do? “You’re miserable. ”

“I mean, I wouldn’t say miserable…” I mumbled, looking down at my bare feet. Before graduation, I’d painted my toenails a bright, sunshine yellow color.

“You’ve always been the sweetest, brightest, bubbliest of my kids, Eleanor Daisy. Growing up, you were always smiling. And you smiled with him more than anyone else.”

“Mom.” I shook my head. “I can’t?—”

She guided my chin up till my eyes met hers. “Ellie. You can do whatever you put your mind to. You’ve always been able to. It was the same with skating, you know. You were so determined, and nothing could keep you down. Until you came back and the accident?—”

Part of me couldn’t think too deeply about how closely those incidents were related. How losing Owen had felt like I was losing my love for the ice. And after I’d fallen, after my injury, I’d never been able to get back on the ice again.

I bit my lip. “I don’t know, Mom. How can I? It’s been five years. And I… I broke his heart.”

For whatever reason, she’d never pressed me to find out what had happened. Why we’d broken up. He hadn’t cheated on me or hurt me, despite what everyone seemed to think. No, the problem was how he’d always put me first, even when it hurt himself. His career prospects. His relationship with his teammates.

“He was pretty clear about the fact that it was just one night,” I whispered. “Especially when I woke up alone. Even if I wanted more, he doesn’t.”

“You still love him?” she asked, though I suspected she’d known the answer to that for a long time.

“How could I not?” It was a whispered omission. It was the problem with everything. That I’d never stopped. That I loved him was why I’d had to leave.

She cupped my face, her gray eyes—so much like mine—boring into my own. “Then, my sweet girl, what are you still doing here?”

I frowned. “What do you mean, Mom? I can’t exactly chase after him. He went back to Seattle. I’m working on getting a job here, and finding a place to live, and—” There weren’t very many openings in the area for elementary teachers, and the ones that had been were snatched up quickly. Still, I’d been reaching out to schools. I’d graduated with my degree and my teaching credential in four years, which should have made it easier to find a position.

“Is that what you want?” She repeated her question from earlier.

“What do you mean?”

“Portland isn’t the only place where you can teach elementary school, hun.”

I blinked. “Huh? Mom, I can’t just…” Leave Portland . My family, my home? Sure, both of my siblings had already done it, but I’d never even considered moving away from home. Except when I’d been planning on going to college with Owen. A nagging voice in my head reminded me of the fact that I’d changed my entire life plan once before. I could do it again.

“If I’d never left California and moved to Portland for college, I never would have met your dad or my best friends. And if I had to do it all over again, I would. Because it brought me the most important people in the world. You, Abigail and Beau were the best things I could have ever asked for.”

“But that was different, Mom,” I insisted.

“How so?” She crossed her arms over her chest.

Because she hadn’t moved to Portland for a boy. She’d moved there for herself. “I can’t believe you’re seriously telling me to move to Seattle and chase after a boy.”

“Ah, but he’s not just any boy, is he?”

I shook my head. No. No, he wasn’t.

“Dad was your best friend, right?” I laid down, stretching out my legs across the couch and dropping my head on my mom’s lap like I had when I was little .

She chuckled. “He was. We did everything together. The girls weren’t even surprised when I announced we were getting married.” My mom shrugged. “I loved him more than anything, but I was terrified that being together like that would ruin everything.”

“But it didn’t.”

“No.” There was a smile on her face. “I know you’ll have that too some day, Ellie.”

“How can you possibly know that?” I whispered.

“Because I watched you grow up. I know how you two looked at each other. But even if you and Owen aren’t meant to be, it’s time to go live your life. Don’t let your fear and worries hold you back. You can always find an excuse to keep yourself from the things you really want, but you’ll always wonder what if. What if I took the chance? What if I took the job? What if I moved to a new city? What if I fell in love?” It was really hard to argue with her, so I didn’t.

I wasn’t sure I was ready for that, but I couldn’t deny that a part of me longed for everything that she was saying. That she knew me in a way I hardly knew myself.

“And if all I want is to bury my head in the sand or hide under a pile of blankets?” I whispered. Maybe I could live under a rock. Keep my TV turned off during hockey season.

“You can lick those wounds as long as you need, sweetie.” She squeezed my shoulder. “I’ll still be here when you decide it is time to come out of hiding.”

Hadn’t five years of punishing myself been enough? Maybe it was time to take my life back. To reach for the life I wanted. “Okay,” I murmured, closing my eyes. Tomorrow. I’d start tomorrow.

Today, I just wanted to pretend I could still smell Owen on my skin, could still feel his phantom touch across my body. Could still feel his lips press against mine. Like if I pretended hard enough, he’d still be next to me, telling me how beautiful I was. How much he’d missed me .

One night would never be enough. Not for us.

Not when one touch from him set my soul on fire. When one kiss made me crave him like nothing had before. The way one glance made me feel like I was finally on solid ground again.

I would have followed him anywhere.

Tomorrow… I’d figure out how to win him back.