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TWENTY-THREE

Ellie

NOW

W hat had I been thinking?

I hadn’t. That was the only explanation why I’d stared at him like some sort of peeping tom, watching him moan my name as he jerked off in the shower.

Knowing that he was probably in there right now, finishing himself off, made my face flare with heat.

God, I hadn’t taken the time to admire his naked body before. Not properly, at least. But he was magnificent. Half of his body was turned to the wall, but I could see his fist pumping his cock, and I remembered what it felt like to have him thrusting inside of me. Watching him, knowing it was my name on his lips, me he was thinking of…

All I wanted was to slide in there beside him. To run my hands up his muscles, feel his skin underneath my palms, his—“Ellie.” Owen came out into the living room wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and a clean white t-shirt. The hint of a tattoo peeked out under his shirt as he moved, and I tried to remember if I’d seen it before.

My cheeks were still warm. “H-hi.”

He ran his hands through his still damp hair. “We should talk. ”

I nodded, covering my cheeks with my hands. “I’m sorry.”

Earlier, he’d almost kissed me. I ran my fingers over my lips. That was what I wanted, right? So why was I avoiding him? Because I was a scaredy-cat. And maybe I had been for the last five years. That was why it had taken me so long to get back on the ice. I’d let my fear and anxiety rule my life, and it had held me back.

Well, no longer.

“You said you had a question?” He crossed his arms over his chest like he was waiting for my answer, and the motion made his muscles flex.

“I—” My mouth was dry. I blinked at him. “What?” I wasn’t sure my brain was working properly. Backing up till my legs hit the couch, I sat down, studying his face. He looked frustrated. Maybe we both were.

Owen padded over to where I sat, placing one hand on the cushion on either side of me. “A question,” He repeated.

“Right. I…” I bit my lip. “Earlier, in the elevator. Were you going to kiss me?”

He groaned. “Did you want me to kiss you, Ellie baby?”

I did. And I was tired of denying it. To myself, to him. “Yes,” I whispered.

His frame was still positioned over mine, caging me in.

“Do you still want me to kiss you?”

I ran my tongue over my bottom lip. Was this insane? Yes . Did I care?

“Yes.”

Owen cupped my cheeks, his eyes reading mine like he was looking for an answer in them.

“Fuck it.” His lips met mine, coaxing me open, and I savored the feeling of his mouth on mine. It had been so long since I’d really been kissed by him, and tonight, I didn’t want to rush things. Then he was lifting me up, pulling me into his lap before settling onto the couch.

It wasn’t a slow, hesitant kiss. This was filled with need. Needing to be closer to him, needing to feel his hard body under mine. I placed my hands on his chest, squeezing his pecs lightly as his tongue swept over mine, caressing every inch of my mouth.

A small moan slipped from my lips as he kissed the side of my lips and then down my neck, and I rocked against him, needing more friction. I could feel his length underneath me, already half hard, and it wouldn’t take much for me to come like this.

I whined, thrusting my hands into his dirty blond locks, guiding his mouth back to mine. Nipping at his bottom lip, I ground down, letting my head tip back and shutting my eyes.

“Ellie,” Owen groaned, his hands finding my hips as he thrust up against me.

“Oh,” I gasped. Just a little more?—

A phone beeped, and it was like a bucket of ice cold water splashed on us. The realization of what we’d been doing, that I’d been so close to coming on his lap, and how easily this could ruin everything made worry pool in my stomach.

“We shouldn’t do this.” He pulled back.

My heart sunk as I crawled off of him. “Fuck, Owen. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—” I covered my face with my hands, not wanting to look at him.

Not after he’d stopped us. Not when he was basically rejecting me. Of course, he didn’t want this. Of course he—“No.” His hands gently rested over mine, and he pried them away from my face. Those brown eyes I loved were full of worry and concern as he shook his head. “I’m sorry. You’re my roommate and my friend. I’m trying to do right by you.”

I bit my lip. It was me who’d said no sex, that it would complicate things. But God, it was so hard to resist. We both wanted each other so badly.

“You are doing right by me, Owen,” I said, resting my hand over his heart. “You always have. Maybe that’s always been our problem. ”

He furrowed his brow. “How so?”

I sighed. “Can you look me in the eye right now and tell me you wouldn’t have given up hockey—given up everything— for me?”

Owen’s furrow turned into a frown. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, if I’d have asked you to pick. Me or hockey. Me or this life. What would you have picked?”

“Ellie, that isn’t fair.” No, it wasn’t. Because life wasn’t that simple. But that was the problem, wasn’t it? Life was complex. It wasn’t black and white, easy decisions to make. And making the one to end our relationship had broken my heart, too.

“I know it’s not.” I shook my head. “That’s why I never wanted you to. Because this life, Owen… This life was meant for you. You’re so smart, but you’re so talented at hockey. And you love it.”

He reached out, like he was going to touch me again, and then realized what he was doing, dropping his arm.

“You were always destined for this. I couldn’t hold you back.”

Owen shut his eyes. “You never would have. You were supposed to come with me. We were going to do it together. All of this.”

I gave him a sad smile. “And if you’d gotten traded before I graduated? What would I have done?”

“We would have figured it out.”

“Owen…” my voice was quiet.

He shook his head. “ That’s why you ended it? Why you…” His voice cracked. I’d never seen him like this once before. Like he was devastated. “Then why are you here, Ellie? Why did you come to Seattle?”

I swallowed roughly. Where did I even start? I wasn’t ready to confess all my truths. Not yet.

“Why now?” He continued. “What changed?”

“I-I just…” I looked to the floor. “I can’t .” The confession was hardly more than a whisper .

He sighed, standing up from the couch, dragging his hand up over his face. “Never mind, then. But Ellie, I can’t…” He grimaced, like this was causing him physical agony. Maybe it was. My heart ached more than it had in years, and all I wanted was to confess the truth. Every bit.

But what if he didn’t want to see me anymore? What if he asked me to leave? After everything we’d been through, I thought that would be unlikely, but the idea still haunted me.

“I can’t do this— us —until you’re ready to talk to me. But I’ll be here, waiting.” He cupped my face, running his thumb across my cheek. “I always have been, Ellie. I’ve always been waiting for you to come home to me.”

Tears pooled in my eyes. “I’m sorry,” I said. It was all I could offer. He didn’t deserve this. He deserved someone better than me.

He sighed. “You know where to find me when you’re ready.” Wiping under my eyes, he dropped his hand, wordlessly walking back to his bedroom.

Doing the same, I curled up on my bed, trying not to cry. I’d done this to us. I’d ruined our chance of happiness years ago, and that was my fault. Why did it hurt so much? Why couldn’t I just tell him how I felt?

It shouldn’t have been this hard.

I’ll be here, waiting.

I always have been, Ellie.

I’ve always been waiting for you to come home to me.

Home. He was my home. He always had been. Maybe that was why moving here hadn’t felt like a crazy decision or a big life change. Because it meant I was closer to him.

The boy who’d stolen my heart in the ninth grade and never given it back. Even if it took me much longer than that to tell him I loved him, I always had. And I always would.

That was something that would never change.

A few days later, I was dismissing my class for the day when my phone buzzed with a Washington number I didn’t recognize. Pocketing the device, I finished saying goodbye to all the kids as they each headed out of the classroom.

Owen had left for his road trip this morning, and it had been strange watching him walk out of the apartment, knowing he wouldn’t be home for several days. His face flashed in my mind—that goofy grin and blond hair that he let grow longer during the hockey season. As soon as my classroom was empty, I pulled out my phone, sitting in my chair as I opened the text thread.

Unknown number

Hi. It’s Sophia—from the game last week!

I smiled. Even if I’d felt like an outsider at the beginning, I had really enjoyed being in the box with all the WAGs—and Sophia Donovan, the coach’s daughter. She was twenty-four—close to my age—and it felt like she needed a friend as badly as I did.

Ellie

Hey! How’s it going?

Sophia

Good. I got my dad to ask Owen for your number. I wanted to invite you to hang out tonight.

Oh. Really?

Yeah! I had a lot of fun. It’s refreshing having someone my age who isn’t in a relationship with one of my dad’s players to talk to.

I snorted as I typed out another message.

Yeah, I bet. I remember what it was like being surrounded by hockey boys growing up.

See, I knew I liked you for a reason!

Anyway, I’m having a little get-together tonight with some of the other girls at my place. Since the guys are out of town, I thought we’d do something fun. Would you want to come?

My fingers paused over the keys for a second, but then I wondered why I was hesitating. Did I want to go back to Owen’s empty apartment alone? Not really.

I’d love to. Just send me the address, and I’ll be there!

YAY. Amazing. Can’t wait to see you!

With that, I shoved my stuff into my purse, hurrying home so I could change into something a little cuter. There was a skip in my step that I didn’t have before, and I just felt… lighter.

A grin filled my face, and even though it was overcast and rainy when I stepped outside to my car, it felt like the sun was shining down on me.

“Ellie!” Sophia raised her hands up, looking excited to see me. And a little tipsy. “You made it!” She slung an arm around my shoulder, and I smiled at her. Her light blonde hair was curled and loose around her shoulders, and she was wearing a pretty teal blouse with a pair of jeans.

“Hi. Thanks for inviting me.”

Looking around her apartment—though that was probably an understatement, even compared to Owen’s—I noticed quite a few of the women I’d met the other night were here, wine glasses in hand as they chatted on the couch. The hockey game was on in the background, but no one seemed to watch it. It reminded me a lot of home, back when I’d find myself at one of four different houses on any given night, hanging out with my cousins and best friends.

“Of course!” She guided us into the kitchen, grabbing another wine glass out of the cabinet and filling it with a white. “Normally, Lauren plans these things, but since she’s pregnant, I’m giving her a break.” Sophia glanced over to the Captain’s wife, sitting in the living room with one hand resting on her belly as she chatted with the other wives and girlfriends. She was due in December, during the season, which I was sure was hard for her.

“This is such a nice place,” I said, appreciating the giant kitchen as she handed me a wine glass.

Sophia gave me a little shrug. “When I told my dad I wanted to move out two years ago, after I graduated college, he refused to let me get an apartment unless he approved it first. Whatever that meant.” She rolled her eyes, adding quotation marks in the air around the word approved.

“And this was the place he chose?” My eyes were wide. It was huge. I didn’t even want to know what it cost, much like where I was currently living. Thank God Owen hadn’t asked me to pay anything, because I definitely couldn’t afford it.

I got the idea that Coach Donovan was pretty protective of his daughter. My dad was the same—I was pretty sure he was going to kill me when he found out about the apartment I’d rented originally. I’d avoided telling my parents the worst of it, though they knew I was staying with Owen after it flooded. There was no way to get out of telling them that, especially when I talked to my mom basically every day.

She snorted. “Yup. He’s also paying more than half the rent, since my salary doesn’t cover all of this.” Waving her hand, she gestured to the apartment. “I definitely didn’t need something this big, but he insisted.” Sophia sighed.

“Wow.”

“Such is the life of a coach’s only daughter. I’m his baby. I’m surprised he even let me get a job outside of the team. When I went to school for exercise science and told him I wanted to be a personal trainer, he about fell over himself, saying I could be one of the team’s trainers.” Sophia took a long drink of wine. “Now, enough about me. Tell me about you and Owen.”

“There’s not much to tell. Our moms are best friends, and we grew up together. And we dated in high school, but that was a long time ago.” I blushed, thinking about how he’d kissed me three nights ago. A kiss I couldn’t get out of my mind.

“I knew it.”

“What?” I frowned.

“I knew there was something more between you than just being family friends. ” She smirked. “No wonder he asked if you could be in the box with us.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but two of the other girls—Harlow and Bailey, from the box—popped into the kitchen, interrupting us.

“Soph, you’re totally monopolizing Ellie over here!” The brunette, Bailey, looped her arm through mine. “And we’re supposed to be watching the game.”

Sophia did her best to look sheepish, but I could tell that she absolutely did not feel bad about it. Not that I blamed her.

Looking over at the TV, I saw the score was 2-1 Los Angeles. I was too far away to track who was on the ice, but I hoped the guys could bounce back. I knew how much they hated to lose, even though it was just part of the game. No one was out here with a twenty game win streak, but they’d won their first four, so I knew they were hoping to keep up the momentum .

“Ellie was just about to tell me all about her and Owen and how they used to date,” Sophia said, and the two girls turned to me.

“I—” My heart leapt as I saw number eight skate off the bench and onto the ice for a shift. Owen. The LA players were surrounding our net, taking shots on goal, and Owen hit the puck out of the Seals’ end, sending it down towards their red line for an icing call.

I let out a breath when he hopped back onto the bench less than a minute later, and the camera panned over our guys. Brooks Hendrix was sitting next to Owen as they reviewed the game footage. The player next to him—number 20, according to his jersey—was chewing on his mouth guard, and I wrinkled my nose at the sight.

“Earth to Ellie.” I was poked in the arm.

“Huh?” I looked back at the girls, realizing I’d zoned out. “Oh. Sorry. I just?—”

“We’ve all been there,” Lauren said. “You get used to it.”

Biting my lip, I looked away from the screen. They had no idea how many games I’d watched of Owen’s, or how many times I’d watched him go down from a hard hit. He’d always gotten back up, and thankfully, he’d never gotten seriously injured, but that fear was always there. “I used to go to all his games,” I admitted. “We used to practice at the same rink, too.”

“Shut up, you skate?” Sophia brightened. “I practically grew up on ice skates. I think my dad was secretly bummed I wasn’t a boy, so I could follow in his footsteps and play hockey, but I learned really young. Tried hockey for a few years, too, but it wasn’t my style.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. I hadn’t talked about figure skating in a long time. For the first time, it felt like it didn’t hurt as much to talk about my past. “I actually used to be a competitive figure skater. ”

“Wow. Did you ever think about going to the Olympics?” Harlow asked, tucking her hand under her chin.

“Yeah. But it wasn’t in the cards for me.” I gave her a weak smile. Even if it didn’t hurt, I still didn’t want to talk about my injury with all of them yet. “I stopped skating my senior year of high school.”

Bailey placed her hand on my upper arm and squeezed lightly. “You’re a teacher, right? I remember Lauren mentioning that.”

I felt a rush of relief at the change of topic. “I am. This is my first year of teaching, since I graduated this spring. I’m teaching fourth grade over in Bellevue.”

“Oh, that’s a great district to teach in,” Harlow piped in. “They’re some of the best schools in the state.”

“Are you living near there?” Sophia asked, looking at me with interest.

I grimaced, explaining the story of how my apartment flooded. “Luckily, Owen said I could stay with him. So, we’re roommates. Strictly platonic roommates .” Roommates who kissed, apparently. It hadn’t even been two weeks yet since I’d moved my stuff in, and we were already doing terrible at this friends thing. Not that I could complain.

Sophia giggled, waggling her eyebrows. “And they were roommates.”

Bailey rolled her eyes, grabbing Sophia’s now empty glass of wine. “I’m cutting you off, sister. What would your dad think if we let you get drunk?”

“I’m twenty-four. I’m a big girl,” she pouted. “Besides, I can take care of myself. It’s not like he can watch over me every hour of every day. Especially when he’s gone half the season on away games.”

We all ended up moving over to the couch during the middle of the second period, halfway through regulation. Everyone chatted about their upcoming team Halloween party—one I was enthusiastically invited to as they planned out the details—and it felt like everyone had some sort of honing radar on the game whenever someone was about to make a goal or whenever the goalie made an amazing save and everyone would cheer.

In the end, the game was 3-3 and went into overtime, securing them a point. Though thirty seconds in, the Los Angeles forward scored on our goal. Our first loss of the season, and I knew that would be a rough start to the road trip.

By the time I got back to the apartment from Sophia’s, I was dead on my feet. It was late, and I had to wake up early for class in the morning. I hadn’t realized how quiet the apartment was without Owen until he was gone.

Was it weird that I missed him? In just a few weeks, I’d gotten so used to living together, to having him home every night when I got back from teaching. Though, I’d been missing him for the last five years, so this wasn’t any different, not really. At least now we were friends. I could text him while he was gone. And it was only a few more days.

The ice skates still sat in the same spot they’d been since we’d returned from the rink last weekend, and I still couldn’t believe he’d bought them. That he’d remembered what I said that first night in the bar.

I could still feel his kiss on my lips days later. And as hard as it had been, we’d needed to have that conversation. He was right, not that I wanted to admit it. I needed to come clean once he got back from his road trip. Maybe then we could finally move forward. After changing into my pajamas, I went into the kitchen to grab a glass of ice water and noticed Owen’s door was open—just a crack.

I couldn’t help but sneak in. God, I shouldn’t be in here. I knew it was wrong—especially when we kept insisting we were just friends. Just two friends who were roommates, who definitely had never seen each other naked before or kissed like the world was ending. It would have been easier if I could pretend I’d never felt him inside of me.

The last time I’d been in here had been when I’d caught him in the shower, and I hadn’t really taken the time to appreciate his space before. How him it was. Trudging over to his bed—his sheets and comforter were blue. No surprise—I pushed his pillow up against my face, inhaling deeply. It smelled like him—like ice and trees and that spicy masculine scent I loved. If I could bottle up his scent like cologne, I would.

I missed him so much.

Sitting on the edge of the king-sized bed, I almost moaned at how soft it was. This bed was heaven . Sure, his guest bed was comfortable, but nothing like this.

And then, even though there was a small thought in the back of my mind that knew it was wrong, I curled up under his sheet, hugging his pillow to my chest as I promptly fell asleep.