Page 63 of Toni and Addie Go Viral

Addie

For the next two days, Toni emailed, sent flowers, had meals delivered, and stopped at the apartment.

Several times, Addie was asleep, but whether she was awake or asleep, Toni was turned away at the door.

Addie’s heart twinged each time, but she wasn’t going to let Toni in so she could hurt her again.

By Sunday morning, Addie’s father looked at Addie and asked, “Do you truly love her?”

Addie looked up at him. “Yes.”

“Then stop this.” Lenny sat casually on the opposite end of the sofa from Addie, watching her expectantly.

“She doesn’t want to love me,” Addie said. “I have plans, a life here, and… she only wants me because I was hurt. Then she’ll get scared again and push me away.”

“You had a fight, Addie. She obviously does want to love you. She’s emailed you how many times?”

“Four or so times each day,” Addie said.

“Are you done torturing her yet?” He gave her a look she’d seen him give her mother often.

“I don’t always understand you, but I always love you, muffin.

Right now, I see your mother in you—and not her good side.

Maybe try to not be like your mom on this front?

Us poor fools who fall in love with angry women can only suffer so much before we quit. ”

“Do you ever want to quit?” Addie asked. This wasn’t a topic they really had ever discussed.

“Not for more than a stray moment. She makes me happy, but sometimes I’m slow on the uptake and she gets pissed off because I’m not there yet.

Sounds like your Toni is more like your old man.

We get there, but you have to pause and let us catch up.

You and Marl? You always know what you want and where you’re going.

Not everyone is like that.” Lenny smiled.

“Doesn’t make my love any more shallow or incomplete.

Slow moving, is all. Marl is like lightning.

I’m the thunder. Little bit delayed, but just as real. ”

Her mother came out then, as if summoned by some silent signal.

Eric made a hand gesture like he was smoking and pointed at Marlene, as if she couldn’t smell the proof that her mother had just had her pre–road trip joint. Some things never change. Addie repressed a laugh.

Marlene was staring at them with wet eyes, so Addie knew she hadn’t overheard Lenny. “Eric says I can’t legally make you come home.”

“Kidnapping. I think it’s a felony,” Addie said lightly.

“Calling every day?” Marlene countered.

“Misdemeanor in California.”

Marlene sighed like a deflating balloon. “You’re a horrible, selfish child, refusing to let me fuss over you.”

“I love you, too.” Addie stared at her parents. She wasn’t ever going to understand them, not her mother hiding in the bathroom to smoke weed or her father thinking that he was qualified to give relationship advice. She did love them, though. “I’m glad you’re still together, you know?”

“Together?” Marlene scoffed. “He’s just my neighbor.”

“Uh-huh.” Lenny rolled his eyes. “She lets me sleep over on weekends.”

“He cooks. It’s nice to not have to cook for myself.” She leaned her head on his shoulder. “Look at her, Len. Cute as a little bumblebee. We made her.”

He looped his arm around her waist. “Let’s get you down to the car. Eric can bring the bag of dishes.”

“On it,” Eric called, a piece of pumpkin pie in his hand. “I was just transferring the last few into our dishes.” He paused as they started down the steps. “I’m going to have them drop me off at the theater, so if you wanted to have any guests, you could.”

“Not going to stay and threaten her?” Addie said lightly.

“She loves you, Ads. I can’t exactly criticize that, and she summoned help when you were hurt.

And, well, you love her. You two need to talk, either for closure or getting together.

” Eric counted each item down on his fingers.

“If you want me stay, I can. I just think you might prefer I’m not here. ”

Addie said nothing. He was right. So was her father. She sighed and texted Toni: “I’m free now.”

Toni’s reply was instant.

To call or see?

Either.

On the way.

Addie wasn’t sure what she wanted, but Toni likely had to leave that evening, so it was see her now or not at all. And Addie was certain that “not at all” wasn’t the answer she liked.

When Toni arrived, Addie walked over to unlock the door. She opened it and was met with a face full of flowers.

“Why did you open the door?” Toni looked around the apartment. “Where are your parents?”

“They left with my cousin. I’m home alone.” Addie went back over to the sofa. Her ribs were better today. Still sore but definitely better than the first day.

“Do we need to hire a nurse?” Toni moved a pillow onto a chair. “What if you fall?”

“Toni.”

She looked at Addie. “Right. You can make your own decisions. Did I mention that I didn’t cope well with you being hurt?”

“Yes.” Addie sat back down with a grimace. “Better” did not mean “painless.” She tried to get comfortable and then prompted, “You wanted to talk.”

Toni opened her bag and handed Addie a printed list. As Addie skimmed it, Toni stood patiently, not pacing, but not sitting down either.

Rules To Court Addie:

Tell her you were wrong. Repeat as needed.

Tell her you love her. Every day. (How often is normal?)

Don’t retreat when panicking.

Figure out how to make the schedule work. Term Break: Either go away together or fly Addie to D.C.

Long weekend in January.

Spring Break in March.

Sublet LA apartment June 1-August 26th

Consult with Addie on all of this.

Grand gestures. How often? What sort would she like?

Couples trips. Where is her dream vacation? Go there. (Maybe for Spring Break?)

Check out proper schedule for declaring commitment levels. Schedule them. (There has to be a book on this.)

Discuss what she thinks needs added to this plan. Add it.

Give her keys to my place.

Addie looked up at Toni several times as she read. Then she set the list aside. “So you have gone from running away to… whatever this is?”

“I was wrong, and I love you,” Toni started.

She held out a key ring. “This is the key to my place. Any time you want to visit, you can just show up. I always want you there, and I have no secrets that would mean you couldn’t stop in at any time.

” She looked at Addie earnestly. “Kaelee got an offer of representation from Em. That’s why she was there at my mother’s memory care home, and why I hugged her. She was freaking out.”

“I know you—”

“No.” Toni dropped to her knees. “I swear to you that I didn’t—”

“I didn’t think you were seeing her. I was upset because she knew where your mom was,” Addie said. “You wouldn’t take me to meet your mom, though. You wouldn’t let me in, but you let a random stu—”

“I think Kae is my friend, actually. I was shoving that away, too, because she was my TA, but…” Toni rubbed a hand over her face.

“Kae only knew where my mom lives because last year, before I bought the Jeep, my old car broke down, and I had to call her for a ride.” Toni clutched the key ring in her hand.

“It was mortifying. I had to call my TA to pick me up. I guess I could’ve used rideshare, but I hadn’t been paid yet and…

I don’t tell people about Lil, and I didn’t take anyone to meet her.

I didn’t tell Kaelee where Lil lives by choice, love. I swear.”

“I want to meet your mom,” Addie said. “Add it to your list.”

Toni looked at the ceiling like she was praying, and when she looked back, she said, “My father had a type—gorgeous, very femme, delicate women with vivacious laughs. So Lil sometimes thinks women are there as his mistress, and… she has a temper sometimes. I was trying to protect you. Most of the time, she thinks I’m my aunt Patty. ”

“Oh.”

“If it’s that important, though, we’ll find a way. I want you to see that I’m serious, love.” Toni knelt there still. “Don’t tell me it’s too late for us, please.”

“This kind of plan isn’t you. What happens when you feel panicked next time? Or you need to retreat?” Addie shook her head. “This list is too fast. You can’t go from ‘don’t love me’ to ‘here’s a relationship.’”

“Which part is too fast? I can adjust it.” Toni pulled out a pen. “I can’t lose you.”

“You are being ridiculous right now,” Addie grumbled.

“You wouldn’t let me talk to you, so I read a bunch of articles and skimmed a few novels and—”

“You researched.” Addie didn’t bother hiding her smile. “You researched how to… what? Win a heart? You already have that, Toni. You’ve had my heart for a year, maybe more.”

“I researched long-distance relationships, commitment-phobes, and apologies,” Toni said without so much as cringing.

“Honestly, love, I knew I was falling for you when I left LA last time. When we spent the night together. I thought I could control it, but then when you stopped talking to me, it hurt.”

“Oh,” Addie said again.

“Maybe I knew even sooner. Addie, I named my series protagonist after you. I’ve been thinking a lot between research bouts.” Toni sighed. “May I sit?”

“No.”

“I thought—”

“This way.” Addie stood and gestured. “Come with me.”

Toni stood hastily.

Then she led Toni to her bedroom. “My ribs hurt, and I want to lie down.”

When Toni stayed in the doorway, Addie added, “With you, Toni. I want you to hold me. I can’t give you all the answers you want, but I love you and I was scared and… just come here.”

Toni toed off her shoes and looked at Addie’s lilac bedspread.

“Under the covers, please.” Addie reached to pull the top cover back, but Toni was faster.

“I feel like you’re trying to prove a point by ordering me around,” Toni said after Addie sat down beside her. “Are you?”

“Not consciously.” Addie rested so her injured shoulder, where the scissors stabbed her, was not next to Toni. “Hold me, please.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Toni’s hand hovered in the air, as if she was afraid to wrap her arm around Addie.

“My hips aren’t bruised.”

Toni adjusted her arm so her hand was on the curve of Addie’s hip.

“I mean it, you know. I want to make this work. I would like it if you seriously think about what you’re signing up for if you are willing, though.

My mother has dementia. It could be genetic, and I don’t want you saddled with me if I get like her.

That was half of my hang-up.” Her voice broke on the last part of her confession.

“Oh, Toni, you’re impossible sometimes,” Addie whispered. “That’s not a right now problem.”

“Loving anyone is terrifying.” Toni stroked her fingers along Addie’s hip. “What if I fail you or get sick?”

“That’s what everyone has to weigh,” Addie pointed out. “Every relationship. What if I have a heart attack some day? Or cancer? Would you leave me?”

“No.”

“Then you need to trust that I wouldn’t abandon you, either,” Addie said gently. “I’ll accept every step of your list and keep your keys, if I can add one more thing.”

Toni stared at her expectantly.

“You agree to see a therapist to talk about this.” Addie held her gaze. “I love you, but I need you to understand that it’s okay to be loved, to let me love you.”

“Do I need to do that first before we—?”

“Make the appointment, and then we’ll make a plan for winter break,” Addie offered.

“I’m not sure about all of it. Let’s get through each step.

No rushing. I’ll work on my temper, and you’ll work on letting me love you.

I know I love you, but I’m not ready to start sharing an address or anything.

My career is in LA, Toni. I’m not giving that up or asking you to marry me.

I just didn’t want you to be closed off to a possible future. ”

“But one day, you want… to be married?”

“That’s always been my plan, Toni. A career I am proud of, and a woman I love. I’m not actually that complex,” Addie said, closing her eyes as Toni held her carefully.

“Can I tell you that I love you now?”

Addie giggled. “You already did. Several times.”

“I was so afraid, Addie,” Toni whispered. “I pushed you away to keep you safe from me, and then you were hurt, and I wasn’t there.”

“ Loving you doesn’t hurt.” Addie sighed contentedly as Toni started stroking her hair. “Being rejected does. Just let me in, Professor. That’s all I’ve wanted from the very first night.”