Page 28 of Toni and Addie Go Viral

Lilian laughed. “Oh, I’m sure you hear about her all the time from Patty. I swear, Patty is like a second mother to her. The only way people like you can have a child, I suppose.”

Toni closed her eyes, counted to five, and then changed the subject. “How was dinner, Lil?”

“Oh, you know I don’t hardly eat when I’m worrying over what that man’s up to!” Lil laughed.

“I talked to him. He said he was going to stop and buy you flowers before he got here,” Toni said. “Why don’t we have a bite to eat before he gets here?”

Toni looked over her shoulder, and the staff brought in three plates. There had been several times they’d had to call her here just to get Lil to eat. She was fine mornings and lunch, but dinner could be an ordeal.

“Flowers? Was he betting on the ponies again?” Lil’s eyes darkened. “I swear—”

“No. I had a little extra, so I gave it to him,” Toni lied, thinking back to all the times she’d seen her aunt pass money to her mother or father over the years.

As a kid, she didn’t understand it. Patty had showed up with groceries or new shoes for Toni; she’d paid fees so Toni could join this or that sport.

“You’re good to us, Patty.” Lil smiled. “I swear if God had made me so I liked the ladies, I’d have fallen for you.

” She laughed like it was an old joke between them, and Toni’s heart twinged.

Her mother had never really been happy, not for long, not with her husband.

Hell, she wasn’t happy as a mother either.

The only blessing was that her illness seemed to predispose her to thinking she lived in the years when she was happier than not.

They settled into the meal, and then Lil took her bedtime medicine and went off to her room, kissing both “Patty” and Emily on the cheek before walking away with a nurse.

Toni felt like her heart was heavier than she could explain.

She wanted to be a better person than her father, to never leave anyone feeling the way Lil felt for so much of her life.

What if I’m too much like him?

“She’s lucky to have you,” Emily said as they left, breaking the silence that had fallen while Toni was lost in her thoughts.

Toni looked over at Emily. “Why did you want to see Lil?”

Emily walked in silence for several moments. “I wanted to be there for you. You mentioned seeing her after a few of your events, and I worry about you.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you.” Emily gave her a scowl. “Do you not realize that I care about my dearest friend in the world? Or that my friend had a roller coaster of a year?”

Toni scoffed and opened the building door, waving goodbye to the attendant at the front door as she did. Once they were outside, she hip-checked Emily gently. “I don’t need you to babysit me.”

“Tough. I’m going to be here, and just so you know, I expect you to be here for me, too.” Emily rolled her eyes. “I’m not babysitting you. I’m being your friend. It’s like the adult version of handing you a pad in algebra class.”

“That was you,” Toni reminded her.

“Exactly, my cycle was a mess, and you had the pad. If not, those new jeans would’ve looked like they belonged to Carrie.

” Emily made a face. “Friendship is friendship whether it’s being here when you are dealing with Lil or listening to me whine about the fact that I have miserable taste in men and women. ”

Toni shot her an exasperated look. “Fine.”

“I’m always going to be here,” Emily said. “All the years. Quiet or roller coaster.”

“Same.” Toni pointed. “Stop being all sappy, and get in the Jeep… which I was able to buy because of this roller coaster of a year.”

“Good stress is still stress,” Emily said lightly. “And you are the loneliest person I know. Maybe if you let someone in, maybe Addie—”

“Seriously? That, Em”—Toni pointed back at the building where her mother was—“ that is what a relationship does to a person. I don’t want to trust anyone not to destroy me or trap them into looking after me if I…”

Toni exhaled and opened Emily’s door.

Emily said nothing as she climbed in the Jeep and Toni walked around to the other side.

The part Toni didn’t say even in her own thoughts was what if instead of being the one who broke someone’s heart like her father had, she was the one who ended up locked in her mind not knowing who she was or when it was.

She got into the Jeep and stared straight forward. “I can’t risk that, Em. I like Addie too much already. I can’t… I can’t do that, though. I can’t end up letting her down or end up trying only to end up like Lil.”

“Toni…”

“Don’t,” Toni said harshly. “Please. I don’t want her or you or anyone to have to deal with me if I end up like Lil. You are excused. Don’t ever feel like you are stuck dealing with it if I do.” She glanced over. “This subject is now closed, okay?”

Maybe it was the waver in her voice or the fact that Emily knew there was nothing she could say, but she kept her mouth closed and nodded.

“Don’t push about Addie, please?” Toni added. She wanted to explain herself to Addie but in all the things she’d shared, she didn’t know what to say about this one.

Addie deserves happiness, and either way I go, I can’t give it to her. She’s better off without me.

“If that’s what you want,” Emily said.

“It’s for the best.” Toni backed out of the parking spot and steered into traffic.

Toni would email Addie later, but right now, she wasn’t sure what to say. It sounded awful to admit that her plan was to enjoy the time they had, and then hopefully, they’d drift into platonic friendship so Addie could find someone who could love her the way she deserved.

Even though the thought of anyone else touching Addie makes me want to scream.