Page 47 of To Go Against Her Heart (Pride and Prejudice Variation)
The moment she set eyes on Darcy as he stood by the fireplace, his hands clasped behind, she wondered if she could truly keep the conversation short.
“Good morning, Mr. Darcy, I did not expect to see you at this hour,” she said, and to this, he was silent.
Elizabeth slowly walked toward him and stood by the fireplace. In his eyes, she saw the reflection of the flames and wondered whether it was merely the light or the blaze in his heart shining through.
“Are you well?” he asked bluntly, and she nodded. The intensity of his gaze unsettled her, and she dared not remain before him for long, fearing that her own resolve would betray her and she might fall into his arms, confessing all that lay buried in her heart.
“What did you wish to see me for?” she asked, trying to sound unaffected.
“Surely you must know as you are too generous to trifle with me, and you do know why I stand before you, not able to sleep a wink last night, thinking about the torment you had to undergo yesterday in my presence. I wish I had said this to you last evening, and I regret that I let you leave without confessing what I truly feel for you. I…”
“Mr. Darcy, please do not…” She started, but he had no notion of letting her stop him.
“You must allow me to tell you how ardently I love and admire you. The only reason I held back from declaring myself before was that I never wanted to force you to endure my feelings against your will. Your past has concerned me only to the extent it has on your feelings, and I still cannot forgive myself for the role I played along with fate in tormenting you yesterday. Surely you must know that everything I have done so far, ever since you asked me to leave Hertfordshire, was because your feelings mattered to me more than my own. But when I met you in town, I saw something in your eyes which gave me hope, and every minute I spent in your company assured me that I might have found a way into your heart. My world revolves around you, and I will never let anyone hurt or harm you,” he said and finally added, “I now ask you the question I have been waiting to ask for months, will you marry me?” he asked, catching his breath.
As he spoke, he observed the change in her countenance—from the stoic expression she wore, to pure joy, and then to the same forced stoicism.
After hearing his declaration, she stood before him in silence, which tortured Darcy beyond measure.
“I wish I had the power to relieve you of the need for this disclosure today. Allow me to thank you for your sentiments and apologize for giving you the idea that I would return them in equal measure. I accept and stand guilty, in front of you, for encouraging you in this matter. But Mr. Darcy, I ask you to set aside what transpired yesterday evening and not warrant my current declaration entirely to that. I have come to understand that I am incapable of attaching myself in matrimony to anyone, and definitely not you. I do not feel this way simply because you learned about my past against my will last evening; I have devoted my entire night seeking answers about my life. All the while, I have wanted the world to understand my struggles, yet I realized I never truly understood myself or how I wanted to live my life. None of this would have happened if I had not allowed you to call on me or encouraged your feelings. And to pretend I never noticed the sentiments you so genuinely expressed—through your words now and in your eyes all this while—would be a cruel lie. Please forgive me, for I am unable to accept your proposal, I cannot marry you, and I hope you have the generosity to forget the pain I have caused you,” she said, and more than shock, it seemed Darcy succumbed to plain disbelief.
“These are not your words. You have always been truthful with me—even when you asked me to leave your life in Hertfordshire, I knew that was what your heart desired. But the words you profess now are not true.”
“Are you accusing me of lying?”
“I most sincerely am, and if I may add, you lack practice in doing so,” he said, still unable to accept that she not only rejected his proposal but forced him to believe that he had misunderstood her sentiments all along.
Elizabeth now struggled between anger and frustration at being unable to convince him that she did not love him.
“Do you truly believe you have known me well all these days we have been acquainted?”
“Yes!”
“I only pity you, for you neither know me nor understand what I desire in life. And, in truth, if you believe I was capable of falling in love with anyone after my encounter with Mr. Harrington, then you truly do not know me— for I detest the very feeling that has caused me nothing but grief in the past. Though I do not have an obligation to convince you in this matter, allow me to tell you once and for all, I do not love you; if I did, nothing would make me happier than to accept your proposal now. I do not wish to delay you any further with this distressing conversation, nor do I desire that we continue as friends. Please, allow me to live my life without being reminded of the torment caused by my past actions. Goodbye!” she said and, with one last look at him, left the room.