Page 1 of To Go Against Her Heart (Pride and Prejudice Variation)

It was a cold January morning in Longbourn, and somehow the weather added to the melancholy of the woman who stared outside the window. While her family broke their fast downstairs, she did not have the disposition to eat, nor was she hungry despite having starved herself for several days.

At times, she wondered whether she was trapped in a dreadful nightmare from which she would soon awaken, or if she truly lived in the horrid reality of the world, subjecting her to misery and deceit.

Elizabeth felt lost, as her heart had been broken into a million pieces by the man she loved.

Her entire existence became painful because of him.

Much as she resented him, she was furious with herself for foolishly bestowing her love upon him.

All her life, she had believed in true love, and a few months ago, she found it while staying with her aunt in London.

He was everything she had hoped to find in her man: kind, intelligent, compassionate, and loving.

But now, she wondered how she had misjudged everything about him.

It had been several weeks since she had seen him, and her last moments in his company were nothing but torment. He had to repeat his decision repeatedly before she could grasp the reality.

Yes, Mr. Harrington had broken off their engagement, and Elizabeth declared she had never conceived that such a circumstance could befall her, not even in her wildest dreams.

He arrived at Longbourn early one morning, requesting a private audience with her.

Then, he conveyed his intention of dissolving the engagement, and the reasons he offered distressed her beyond measure.

Elizabeth relived the horrific conversation she had with him, and she knew she would never be able to forget how she felt that day.

…. “I am left with no alternative, Elizabeth. It grieves me exceedingly to take this step, and yet, the severity of the reasons which compel me to dissolve our engagement leaves me no alternative, I must do so for the sake of my family.”

“You knew of my dowry all this while; you were perfectly aware of it when you offered for me but a week ago. Until now, you never appeared to doubt our future felicity, despite your mother’s disregard for me.

Was this, then, the reason you urged that our engagement remain a secret?

I believed the object of your visit today was to speak with my father and secure his consent. How can you abandon me thus?”

“Because my entire livelihood is at stake, our financial woes are mounting daily, and we have lived a life of luxury so far, I cannot imagine my mother and sister losing their current status in society. You are already aware of the financial crisis we have been entrapped in, and every day in the past month has been nothing but torture. I was under the assumption that I could resolve everything, but the truth is that I cannot. My sister is in love with Mr. Kingston; she cannot imagine a life without him. I have done nothing for her so far, and as a brother, I am responsible for ensuring her happiness. I have no choice but to marry Miss Kingston to save my family.”

“There is no need for further explanation; it is quite extraordinary that you should discover so convenient a remedy to all your difficulties, and I can only suppose that Miss Kingston’s dowry has rendered the decision agreeable to you.

You speak of your sister’s happiness with such feeling—what of mine?

You have inflicted upon me a wound beyond repair, and all in the name of love.

What most enrages me is the ease with which you can relinquish me, without any trace of guilt.

Do you imagine it so simple for me to forget you?

From all I perceive, it seems to be no arduous task for you. ”

“Be assured, it will not be easy. I can never forget you, but I will have to endure the pain caused by this decision.”

“Did I seek you out? Did I relentlessly pursue you? You did everything to make me believe that such pure love could never exist; I fell in love with you because you declared that no one could break us apart. I let my heart believe in every word you said because I trusted you. My dowry, your mother’s disapproval, and everything you mention now as reasons were never a problem a week ago when we got engaged.

You were not certain about our marriage, were you?

That must be why you wanted me to keep our engagement a secret. ”

“If I were not certain, I would have never proposed to you, but then, I did not understand how much misery our father had inflicted upon us because of his senseless actions. Our business has suffered such heavy losses that our debts are overwhelming, and we may be forced to sell our house to save ourselves. As deeply as I love you, I cannot neglect the solemn duty of protecting my family. My mother and sister must not be exposed to misery on my account.”

“Yes, you are correct. You seek to act rightly toward all others, yet not toward me. There is no need to mince words, Mr. Harrington. You may speak plainly: you are forsaking me for money. At this point, I would at least appreciate your honesty.”

“Elizabeth, look at me,” he said, trying to hold her hand.

“Do not dare to touch me; please leave. I wish you a lifetime of happiness in your marriage,” she cried.

“Even if our engagement remains private, I shall not hesitate to speak with your father; I am not a coward to walk away from the consequences of my actions.”

“No one can call you a coward, least of all I. You dare to stand before me and profess your love, and yet, because of my poverty, you intend to marry someone else. I cannot help but admire the courage required for such a choice. As you remark, it is most convenient for us both that our engagement remained secret. Also, you do not have to worry as I will say nothing to my father, nor will he pursue you for an explanation or entreat you to reconsider your decision.”

He tried to reason with her again about why he was forced to end their engagement despite his deep regard for her, but Elizabeth opened the door and motioned him to leave.

“I am truly sorry,” he said with remorse as he left.

“No, you are not. Goodbye!” she said, controlling her tears….

The conversation still lingered in her mind.

The initial days after her broken engagement had been exceedingly trying because she had to encounter her family, who supposed that Mr. Harrington had come to seek her hand.

It was well known that he had exhibited a particular regard for her while they had been in town.

Except for Jane, none were aware of her engagement, though her father suspected that something was amiss.

“Elizabeth, what was the purpose of his visit? Did he say something to upset you? I am not an ignorant man; I could see that you were in happy spirits since you returned from town, and I am aware that you spent much time in his company there, and he called on you frequently,” Mr. Bennet enquired.

“Yes, I did like him and enjoyed his company, but there was nothing more to it. His visit was merely of a friendly nature to inform me of his intended marriage with Miss Kingston.”

“Why would he come all the way to inform you of this? Are you concealing something from me?” he asked with a piercing gaze.

“Trust me, Papa. There is nothing to be anxious about,” she had reassured him.

Her mother, who expected a proposal that morning, was gravely disappointed.

“Oh! How could he not propose? Your aunt wrote to me saying that he was smitten by you and was certain that he was in love. Did you say something to upset him? Is that why he left without proposing? Had you but the beauty and disposition of your sister Jane, he would not have thought twice about claiming your hand. Just yesterday at Lucas Lodge, I proudly declared that a handsome gentleman from town was courting you. Now, what do I do?” she cried with despair.

Elizabeth hardly had time to face her feelings as she was lamented with several questions regarding why Mr. Harrington was to marry someone else all of a sudden.

Jane, aware of the actual situation, tried to convince her to inform their father, but Elizabeth declined as she knew very well that there was no hope for Mr. Harrington to change his decision, and even if he did, she was unwilling to accept him.

“It is a blessing in disguise, Jane, that I kept the matter to myself. Now, he may marry in happiness, and I am spared, at least, the shame of a broken engagement. Yet, in truth, such shame is trifling compared with the anguish to which my heart is now subjected.”

All those years, when her mother mentioned her meager dowry and worried about the same, Elizabeth had brushed it aside.

Yet now she could see, with painful clarity, that something she had long disregarded—wealth—was the very reason for her state of torment, and the man she had loved and imagined as her husband rejected her because of the same.

***

At present, she sat alone in her chamber, reliving the four months she had known him and how, little by little, she had allowed her heart to be attached to him. Her thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of her sister.

“Lizzy, I brought you something to eat,” Jane said as she walked into the room with a tray.

“Please do not trouble yourself. I do not have an appetite.”.

“You hardly ate anything yesterday and cannot go on like this. How could you do this to yourself for someone who never loved you? You must know, Lizzy, if he ever did, he would not have acted thus to someone as pure as you.”

“I am not angry with him anymore; I am angry with myself. I agree that he never truly loved me, but he has wounded me for life. When I fell in love with him, I truly believed my intuition and never doubted his feelings. He pursued me diligently for three months, convinced me of his regard, and succeeded in gaining my trust. I saw him as a man without fault; love blinded me. I gave my heart to him, and I suffer now, for it seems it can never recover from this wound and my foolishness.”

“As difficult as it is, you must forget him; he does not deserve you. You will find true love in the future, and I am convinced of it.”

“Never! My heart has turned to stone, leaving no place for anything that might bring me joy. And if you speak of true love, please understand that I no longer yearn for it. Even if someone is willing to give me the love you think I deserve, I can never go against my heart and accept it. Because right or wrong, I loved a man and imagined a life with him; I can never betray my own heart.”

Jane regarded her sister with evident distress.

You will, Lizzy. I am certain that someday you will go against your heart when you find the man willing to go against the world for you.