Page 35 of To Go Against Her Heart (Pride and Prejudice Variation)

“You seem pale since you returned from your visit today. Are you well, Lizzy?” her aunt asked that night during supper.

“Why, I am well indeed,” Elizabeth replied with a smile. Jane observed her keenly, and as her aunt mentioned, it was evident that her sister was unsettled after her call on Georgiana.

Jane addressed the matter as they retired for the night.

“Am I to understand that Mr. Darcy joined you just before your departure?”

“Yes, he did and introduced his aunt and mentioned that she favored our introduction.”

“Did she say something to unsettle you?”

“What? Not at all. Where did you get such an idea?”

“Since your return, you have seemed under some agitation, and I cannot help but be concerned.”

Elizabeth was silent as she could not explain her internal struggles to her sister.

Ever since the carriage left the Darcy house, she felt a wave of excitement and distress strike her in equal measure.

She finally realized that she had openly acknowledged her true feelings to Darcy and had granted him leave to call on her.

But Elizabeth could not come to terms with how easily her heart and mind betrayed her in Darcy’s presence.

She did not regret having apologized, though she was aware that all she said to him thereafter could have been easily avoided had she possessed greater self-control.

Everything felt so right at that moment, and in Darcy’s presence, she could no longer deceive him or her own feelings.

But once she left the house, she began to doubt whether she truly dared to break free from the cage in which she had been trapped.

How did I lose myself so easily to reveal my true feelings? I gave him hope when I was honestly incapable of trusting myself. I love him, and I do not doubt it. But I’ve never been honest with him.

She understood that if Darcy were to call on her now with hopes of winning her affection, it would be only because she had encouraged him to do so. Elizabeth struggled to accept that, as much as she feared returning his affections, she could no longer conceal her own.

But he does not deserve me, someone so scarred by the past. He is not even aware that I have been engaged before.

“Lizzy? I asked you something,” Jane said, granting her relief from her thoughts.

“Nothing happened to cause you concern, I enjoyed Miss Darcy’s company today. Though reserved, she is very warm and amiable.”

“Would she call on us again?”

“Yes, she would. I am certain.”

“And how about Mr. Darcy?” Jane asked with a raised eyebrow, and Elizabeth could no longer lie to her sister.

“Jane, I…I do not know why…But I told him I would be happy if he called on me. I should not have, and I don’t understand how I said such a careless thing to him.”

“Why is that wrong? He has always admired you, and I am certain you made him very happy.”

“What good would this result in? What am I to accomplish by allowing him to attach himself to me? I can never grant him the happiness he deserves. Pray look at me; for months, I have lived in despair, spinning nothing but darkness around me. I can never be my old self,” she said with sorrow.

“You do not see it, do you?”

“See what?”

“Ever since the day you met Mr. Darcy at the assembly, you have gradually returned to your own self. You have hardly mentioned the man who broke your heart, however, you seem to struggle to accept the fact that someone else favors you. I know you too well, Lizzy. You may disguise it from the rest, but not from me. You do care for him, and what makes you think your past should decide your future? Why can’t you allow yourself to be happy?

It pains me to clarify this, but do you still have a place in your heart for Mr. Harrington? ”

“Good Lord! No! I hardly think about him and honestly doubt whether whatever I felt for him was…truly…”

“Was it truly love?” Jane interrupted.

Elizabeth nodded in agreement.

“I cannot be the judge of that; whatever your feelings were, I can assure you it was for a man who did not deserve them. It seems to me that, by your treatment of him in Hertfordshire, you led Mr. Darcy to believe you cared nothing for him. Nevertheless, every look he bestows upon you speaks only of admiration and regard.”

“What if he becomes aware of my past? I can never conceal it from him.”

“I am certain he is not so cruel as to allow it to undermine his affection for you.”

“This will not do; he deserves one far more worthy than myself. I should never have spoken to him today in the manner I did. I gave him hope, and I cannot forgive myself for that.”

“Why should he not be hopeful of winning your heart when there is a good possibility of him succeeding?”

“Because I cannot imagine giving him the happiness he deserves. Yes, I do not care about the man who wounded me; I do not even think about him. But mine was not a trifling infatuation, such as Kitty or Lydia are so often prone to. I agreed to be his wife, Jane; I was engaged to him. How could I ever forget that? Mr. Darcy does not deserve someone like me—so guilty, uncertain, and vulnerable.”

“I understand your feelings. But when the time comes, if you reveal everything to him, you will be relieved to understand that he will care nothing for your past. Whatever your struggles are, he will stand by you and do all he can to earn your love and trust.”

“Enough about me and my worries. I heard Mr. Bingley called on you today. Did you feel well enough to meet him?”

“He did call, but I was resting because of my headache. Honestly, I was relieved not to meet him. The man is not himself in my company, and I assure you I feel the same way.”

“I understand he invited us for dinner tomorrow.”

“Aunt said he did, and if I may speak plainly, I do not wish to go. But…”

“But?”

“It would be cruel to treat him with such disregard, for I know too well the suffering caused by such treatment.”

“Mr. Bingley is innocent, Jane, and you know that.”

“He is, and I can never hurt him for what his sister did to me. I informed our aunt that I would have to limit our acquaintance with the Bingleys after tomorrow. It is for the best, Lizzy. There is too much to overcome between us, and I do not think I can trust him or my intuition anymore.”

“Perhaps you can follow the advice a beautiful young woman gave me just moments ago—when the time comes, you may have to open up to him and resolve all your problems.”

Jane smiled, and the sisters retired for the night, each battling their own struggles.

***

The next day, Jane was gently pressed about her feelings regarding the dinner at Mr. Bingley’s house, and she reassured her sister and aunt that she was equal to the task.

Elizabeth suddenly doubted whether Darcy and Georgiana would be in attendance.

She knew very well that he despised Miss Bingley for her schemes and was certain he would not be comfortable bringing Georgiana to the same house.

But when they arrived at Mr. Bingley’s townhouse, Elizabeth was surprised to see Darcy welcome them along with his friend.

The moment his eyes met hers, she saw him smile with a sense of warmth.

His unexpected appearance left her discomposed for several moments.

Jane, who had equally dreaded meeting Miss Bingley, was greatly relieved to hear that she was unwell and would not be present for dinner.

However, Mr. and Mrs. Hurst were a part of the evening. Elizabeth watched Darcy as his friend accounted for his sister’s absence, and in his countenance, she perceived that he was already aware of the detail. She could not help but wonder if he had himself demanded it, to be present at the dinner.

And Elizabeth was right. When his friend had pressed him with the dinner invitation, Darcy had made it clear that he was not willing to spend time in his sister’s presence, and Mr. Bingley had assured him that Miss Bingley would not be in attendance.

Mr. Bingley seemed to be doing his utmost to make amends for the past as he sat beside Jane, struggling to maintain a conversation.

As for Elizabeth, she might have been in a better frame of mind to observe her sister had she not felt so unsettled herself while seated beside Darcy during the meal.

“Georgiana sends you her regards and will call on you tomorrow,” he said, and Elizabeth gave him a small smile.

“I look forward to seeing her. I had a pleasant time in her company yesterday.”

“Honestly, we wanted to call on you today, but as Bingley pressed me to attend dinner, I took the opportunity to meet you,” he said, “I take it that you did not quite expect to see me here.”

“You are right; I did not. You tend to surprise me a lot these days, Mr. Darcy,” she said with a playful smile. Darcy felt drawn to her like never before and had to remind himself that he was seated in his friend’s dining room and needed to act accordingly.

Elizabeth noticed that not only Mr. Bingley but also his sister made a genuine effort to make up for her mistakes. She observed Mrs. Hurst converse with her aunt without any pride or conceit. However, there was no improvement in the iciness between Jane and Mr. Bingley.

“Do you plan on returning to Hertfordshire in the near future, Mr. Bingley?” Mr. Gardiner asked casually.

“I do intend to. I left in a hurry, and I still regret it. But when I return in the future, I plan to settle there in the country,” he said, looking at Jane hopefully.

Mr. Gardiner nodded and pitied Mr. Bingley as he could see that his niece was unwilling to trust him again.

After dinner, Mr. Bingley suggested a walk in the gardens.

Although the air was cold, the sun shone bright and warm, making the prospect most inviting.

Jane and Elizabeth agreed, and Mrs. Hurst and Mrs. Gardiner joined them.

As they stepped out, Darcy offered his arm, and Elizabeth took it with a smile, while Jane took Mr. Bingley’s with hesitation.

The couples walked ahead, followed by Mrs. Hurst and Mrs. Gardiner, as the path wound through the garden.

“Miss Bennet, I hope you are not uncomfortable in my company. Forgive me for being so direct, but I definitely understand why you would resent me,” Mr. Bingley said with despair, taking Jane by surprise.

“Resent you? I do not understand why you would assume so.”

“I deeply regret my actions and I’m fully aware that whatever I allowed to occur has caused you pain. I hope you do not doubt my sincerity in this matter. I was unaware of your presence in town and that you took the trouble to call on me.”

“I have no wish to dwell on the past, Mr. Bingley. I do not hold you or your sister in contempt for whatever happened, and I wish you would stop bringing up this subject between us.”

“Do you forgive me?” he asked earnestly.

“I do not think you did anything wrong to be forgiven. I wish we could put an end to this topic without feeling uneasy. I am glad you chose to call on us and clear this misunderstanding as I should have always wondered why you ended our acquaintance. Now, I shall be happy to return to Longbourn.”

“Surely you do not wish to leave soon?” Mr. Bingley asked with shock.

“I wholeheartedly do. Though I have enjoyed my time with my cousins, I am impatient to return home. I thank you for inviting us for dinner today, and I am very certain if you should return to Hertfordshire, my father would be pleased to see you,” she said, and Mr. Bingley felt dejected by her words.

Is she suggesting she would not welcome me if I called on her in Longbourn? Mr. Bingley wondered and glanced behind, he noticed Darcy and Elizabeth in a deep conversation.

“I assume you write to your father often?” Darcy asked Elizabeth as their conversation circled around Longbourn.

“Yes, I do. I dearly miss him and Charlotte. But what comforts me is how promptly they reply to my letters.”

“I thought so as you seem to have a very special friendship with Miss Lucas.” Darcy paused and then continued. “However, I must confess that I quite envy you in the matter.”

“Why, Mr. Darcy, I can see you have the same kind of friendship with Mr. Bingley. You cannot expect both to deceive me and to obtain my sympathy,” she said with a laugh.

“You are too hasty. I did not say that I envied you because of my own disadvantage in the matter. I did so because of Georgiana. She has not had a close friend since her childhood and struggles to form a connection with any young lady among our acquaintances. But since I became acquainted with you in Hertfordshire, I have known she would find happiness in having a genuine friend, should she have the chance to meet you—and my intuition has proven true.”

Elizabeth could not mistake the sadness in his voice.

“Pray, forgive me; I meant no disrespect to your confession. Miss Darcy reminds me much of my sister, Mary. Though reserved, her warmth and kindness become apparent once she is acquainted with someone. Indeed, I believe she takes after you…” She said but then stopped abruptly.

Darcy could sense her embarrassment and smiled.

The party returned indoors as it began to drizzle. Mr. Bingley struggled to understand whether Jane had truly forgiven him and felt devastated to realize that winning her heart would not be easy. At the moment, everything about her manner suggested that he did not possess even a feeble chance.

Another person in the same house shared his torment.

Seated by the window after watching Darcy and Elizabeth walk through the garden, she could no longer contain the fury building within her.

Grasping her perfume bottle, Miss Bingley flung it to the floor, watching it shatter—and wished it had been thrown at Elizabeth herself.