Page 20

The first thing Riley noticed as he walked into his house after work was that it smelled like fish.

“Shep?” he called out. Lucky barked, once again alerting Riley that they had an intruder. “I know , Lucky.”

He heard Adam swear, and then say, “In the kitchen!”

Riley mentally prepared for the possible total destruction of his kitchen as he approached the room, but was shocked to see the opposite. Adam was standing by the stove, wearing an apron and stirring something in Riley’s largest pot. Fresh parsley was chopped on a small wooden cutting board, and, most startlingly, there was a large bouquet of flowers on the kitchen table, arranged in one of Riley’s vintage green glass vases.

“Hi,” Adam said, smiling shyly.

It was probably a symptom of Riley’s age, or maybe the fact that he was, at his core, a deeply boring man, but he realized in that moment that he was looking at his ultimate fantasy.

“Hi,” Riley said. “Um.”

Lucky barked once, letting Riley know he’d discovered the intruder, then left the kitchen to inspect the rest of the house.

“I made dinner,” Adam said. “I’ll warn you now, I’m not much of a cook, but I found this cookbook and thought, hey, I can probably manage a fish chowder.”

It was then that Riley noticed the cookbook Adam was working from: Out of Old Nova Scotia Kitchens . “I mostly just have that for decoration. It’s super old.”

“That’s a relief. There’s some very gross-sounding stuff in there. I was going to make lobster stew, but I had no idea what a rolled cream soda is.”

“Me neither.” Riley crossed the kitchen to peek in the pot. “Wow, that looks really good, actually.”

Adam’s smile grew. “Right? I think I nailed it. I used bacon instead of whatever salt pork is.”

“That’s fine.”

“Do you have paprika? I’m supposed to sprinkle paprika on it before serving.”

“I do.”

“A woman named Janet who works at the grocery store was very helpful. She told me the right kind of potatoes to use.”

“Janet’s nice, yeah.”

“I did create a bit of a scene there, though. Everyone in the store wanted to give me their opinions on how to make fish chowder properly. Things got a bit heated between them.”

Riley laughed. “It’s a controversial subject.” He glanced at the recipe. “You used crackers to thicken it? Nice. That’s what Mom does.”

Adam was standing so close to him, and he was unfairly handsome, even with his hair a mess and what appeared to be cracker crumbs around his lips.

“I picked up some rolls from Paula’s too. And a pie. You like strawberry rhubarb?”

Unfair. This was all horribly unfair. How was Riley supposed to deal with any of this? A man he absolutely did not want to be in love with making him dinner and buying him flowers and pie ? His favorite pie?

“Yeah,” he said, “I like it.” Then, as if his hand was controlled by someone else, he reached out a thumb and brushed the cracker crumbs from the corner of Adam’s mouth.

Adam’s lips parted slightly, his eyes widening in surprise. Riley snapped out of it and pulled his thumb away. “Sorry. You had…crumbs.” He turned away, his face burning with embarrassment. “I don’t know why I did that.”

“It’s okay.” Adam wrapped a hand around Riley’s wrist and tugged gently, urging him to turn back around. “It was sweet.”

Riley did turn around and wished he hadn’t. Adam’s eyes were dark and intense, as if the simple brush of Riley’s thumb had ignited him.

Oh god. Riley was in trouble. He closed his eyes in an attempt to put up some sort of defense. Adam was using his own thumb now, rubbing gentle circles on the inside of Riley’s wrist and turning his legs to jelly.

Riley stepped away. The steam from the soup was too hot. Everything was too hot. He left the kitchen, unbuttoning the top of his shirt as he walked.

He wouldn’t ruin this. He would eat the lovely dinner Adam had made and he wouldn’t be weird. He sat on the couch and took a few slow breaths, grateful that Adam hadn’t followed him to the living room.

Lucky found him and pressed his body against his legs. Riley rubbed his soft fur while he waited for his own heart rate to slow.

A few minutes later, Adam joined him on the couch. He’d taken the apron off, and Riley did his best to ignore the way his gray T-shirt clung to him perfectly. It had probably cost a fortune.

“You wanted to talk,” Adam said as he stroked Lucky’s back.

Riley had said that, but now he had no idea what to say.

“Maybe I should start,” Adam suggested.

Riley nodded. Adam had always been the talker.

Adam turned slightly toward Riley, bumping their knees together. “I’m hoping for a chance to do things better.”

Riley’s heart trembled. “I don’t know what that means.”

“It means…” Adam’s brow furrowed as if he wasn’t sure either. “Well. I guess I’m hoping we can figure that out together. But to start, it means I made dinner.”

And bought me flowers , Riley wanted to add. And helped at the shop. And stayed when I told you to leave. And held me last night until I slept well for the first time in over a week.

“It was a long time ago,” Riley said weakly. “Whatever we had.”

“Too long ago?”

The obvious answer was yes, of course. But sitting here now with Adam, even with their gray hairs and the gulf of years they’d both lived without each other, it didn’t seem like long at all. “I don’t know,” he said, because it was all he could offer.

Adam’s lips formed half a smile. “I’ll take it for now. Come eat.”

He stood, and Riley followed him to the kitchen. They ate at the table, the flowers pushed slightly aside so they could see each other. The chowder was delicious, despite the recipe being pretty basic. It was buttery and warm; perfect comfort food.

“I’m really impressed with myself,” Adam said. “Like, I should open a restaurant.”

Riley smiled. “There’s a retirement plan: Shep’s Soup Shack.”

“Yes! Perfect.” He reached for another roll. “How was work?”

“Fine. I think a lot of people were disappointed that you weren’t there.”

“Aw, now I feel bad.”

“Don’t. You’ve done plenty.” And then Riley realized how rude he’d been. “Is your shoulder any better? You shouldn’t have been cooking—”

“It’s a little better today. And the cooking was fine. I’m lucky it’s not my dominant arm.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“Good, but you should be resting it. You said you’re getting more surgery soon?”

“Very soon, I think. I meet with my doctor on Wednesday, and I’ll probably get a date then. I’m getting the joint replaced.”

Riley winced. “That’ll be rough to recover from.”

“No doubt, but much better in the long run, I hope.”

He ran his finger along the gilded edge of his dessert plate. “I saw that game. When you got hurt.”

Adam huffed. “Which time?”

“The first one. That weird hit where your arm got twisted behind you.”

“Yeah. That was the bad one.”

“I should have called you, while you were recovering. Or at least sent a text to let you know I was, I don’t know. Concerned.”

Adam smiled. “Concerned?”

Riley leaned back in his chair. “I felt sick about it. I was mad at you, but I also wanted—” He stopped himself. What he’d wanted to do was fly to Toronto and take care of him.

“I would have liked that,” Adam said quietly. “For what it’s worth.”

Riley swallowed.

“I thought about you a lot,” Adam continued. “All the time, during those years.”

Riley felt like Adam was holding his heart in his hand, alternating between caressing it and squeezing until Riley wanted to scream in agony. “I tried not to think about you at all,” he said.

The hurt was obvious in Adam’s eyes, but he nodded. “I guess I deserve that.”

He did deserve it, but right now Riley couldn’t remember why.

“Fuck,” he said, and scrubbed a hand over his face. “I’m sorry. You made dinner and…” He gestured to the flowers. “And you’re here, and you’re gay . Like, I haven’t even talked to you about that, really, because it fucking terrifies me for some reason.”

Adam’s eyebrows shot up. “Terrifies you?”

“It’s just, are you—I mean—” Riley gave himself a moment to gather words together. “You said you’ve been with other men, but you don’t have any gay friends.”

“That’s right.”

“I hate that.”

Adam’s lips quirked up. “Which part?”

“Not having friends!” Of course it was also the other part, but Riley wouldn’t admit that. “That sounds terrible. How are you even, like, dealing with it all?”

Adam shrugged his good shoulder. “How did you deal with it?”

“Horribly.”

Adam let out a tired, rueful laugh. “Yeah. Well, same.”

“Do your parents know?”

Adam grimaced. “They know. I think they’re mostly choosing to ignore it.”

Riley wasn’t surprised. “I’m sorry.”

“Anyway,” Adam said. “It doesn’t really matter. I’m forty-one, they’re in their seventies and spend most of the year in Arizona. I mean, who cares what they think, right?”

Adam cared. That’s who. And Riley wanted to drive to Arizona to yell at the Sheppards.

“What about your brother?”

“Cal’s been okay about it. He didn’t really understand why I’d want to tell anyone.”

Riley rolled his eyes. He’d only met Adam’s younger brother a few times, but he wasn’t a big fan. Cal lived in Vancouver and had a job that had something to do with finance. “Let me guess: be gay if you want but don’t rub other people’s faces in it?”

“I wouldn’t say it was that bad, but something in that neighborhood, yeah. I think he’s mostly just worried about me. Or about my legacy, anyway. Like I’ll be a joke instead of a future Hall of Famer as soon as I come out publicly.”

“Do you plan to come out publicly?”

“I guess. I don’t know what the alternative would be. I don’t want to hide forever.”

Riley absorbed this information. It was surreal, talking about this with Adam. He’d never in a million years imagined Adam Sheppard being out and proud. “You don’t have to make a big announcement, if you don’t want.”

“I know, but wouldn’t it be helpful if I did? Like, it could change the way some people think, maybe. Or inspire some kids to stick with hockey.”

“It could be helpful,” Riley agreed. “But do it because you want to, not because you think you need to.”

Adam tilted his head. “I guess you’re out but not, y’know, out .”

“I live a small life here. No one in the hockey world pays any attention to me anymore. I’m as out as I need to be.”

“I’d like to live a small life, I think,” Adam said wistfully. “My life is way too complicated.”

“Sorry you’re so rich and famous.”

Adam laughed. “Fuck you. My point is that I’m trying to decide whether or not to come out in a big public way. I made a pros and cons list. Look.” He reached to grab his phone off the kitchen counter, then tapped at it before handing it to Riley.

Riley held the phone away from his face, squinted, and read:

Pros

Good role model

Make people think/big fuck you to bigots

No hiding at all

Easier to be in a relationship/date

Would probably feel amazing

Cons

Lots of attention

Lots of pressure?

Could be hard on Lucy and Cole?

I’d have to figure out how to do it/what to say

Hall of Fame?

* * *

Riley handed the phone back. “The Hall of Fame thing really matters to you, eh?”

“Well, yeah. I earned it.”

“You’re right. And I don’t think they’d take your induction away if you came out. I’d cross that one off.”

Adam frowned at his phone, then began tapping. “All right. Deleted. That’s one down.”

“You’ve never been afraid of lots of attention, or lots of pressure,” Riley reasoned. “You were the captain of the fucking Toronto Northmen. That’s plenty of pressure.”

“Different kind of pressure, though.”

“Where would the pressure come from? The queer community? The hockey world? You don’t need to be the World’s Best Gay Man, Shep. There’s no Hall of Fame for it.” Riley hesitated. “Or maybe there is. I don’t know. I’m not online much.”

“Well, I certainly don’t know. At the moment I’m not even going to make the gay playoffs.”

Riley’s lips twitched. “Well, you’re a new expansion to the league.”

Adam’s laugh was full of surprised delight. His nose and eyes crinkled adorably, and Riley let himself look. He let himself enjoy the simple pleasure of making Adam Sheppard laugh.

“I really don’t know what I’m doing,” Adam said. “You should have seen me on my first…date? I don’t know if that’s the right word.”

“Depends,” Riley said with forced mildness.

“I mean, we weren’t really trying to get to know each other. It was pretty…goal oriented.”

This time Riley laughed. “Goal oriented.”

“Yeah. You know.”

“Sure. Just stay focused, play your game, get pucks to the net…”

“Wow, that’s exactly what I said to the guy. Did I do it wrong? Is that not sexy?”

Riley shook his head. “I still can’t believe this.”

“I didn’t actually say that.”

“No. I can’t believe we’re even talking about this. I never thought it would happen.”

Adam’s expression turned serious. “You’re not surprised that I’m gay, though, are you?”

Riley shrugged. “I didn’t think you were straight. But you were so sure about it, so…”

“So.”

They were quiet a moment. Adam’s leg was jiggling under the table, and Riley could tell he was working up to saying something important.

“It must help, right? Having people you can talk to about…stuff?” Adam asked.

In that moment, Riley saw a completely new side of Adam Sheppard. Not the hockey legend, not the beloved Canadian celebrity, not the proud father of two, and not even the man who broke his heart. What Riley saw now was a man who was lost; a man who lived alone in what was probably an oversize house, mustering the courage to message a guy on a hookup app. A man who had no idea what he was doing and had no one to talk to about it.

“You can talk to me about it,” Riley said. “Even after you go back to Toronto, if you want.”

Adam held his gaze, then blinked a few times, as if he might cry. “I’d really like that,” he finally said.

“Okay.” Riley could do that. He could be Adam’s gay friend. Maybe it would be good for Riley, to hear about Adam’s adventures with men seventeen hundred kilometers away. It made more sense for Riley to play that sort of role in Adam’s life than to attempt any kind of romantic relationship with him.

“I started taking, um, PrEP.” Adam blushed as he said it. “I’d never heard of it until I was asked if I was on it.”

“That’s good,” Riley said, as evenly as possible. “I take it too.”

“Cool. Yeah. Good.” Adam tore off a tiny piece of bread and began rolling it into a ball between his finger and thumb. “There haven’t been that many men, honestly.”

“Did any of them recognize you?”

“I don’t think so.” Adam laughed nervously. “Except the first guy I sent a photo of my face to thought I was lying. He said, ‘Fuck you, that’s Adam Sheppard’.”

Riley laughed. “Really?”

“I’m serious. Then he blocked me.”

“His loss.”

“I guess.”

Riley imagined that, even without knowing who Adam was, his hookups must have been pretty thrilled when they’d first laid eyes on him. Riley had certainly never had anyone hotter. “So what’s your profile picture? Naked torso?”

Adam flicked the tiny bread ball into his empty soup bowl. “There’s a bit of chin in there. You know. Flattering angle.”

“Like you have a bad angle.”

“These days? More curves than angles.”

“As if.”

“I’m serious. I need to get this shoulder sorted, then get back to a serious fitness routine. Right now all I’m lifting is burgers.” He seemed to study Riley for a moment. “You’re doing something right, that’s for sure.”

“I run,” Riley said. “Usually, I mean. Not lately, but maybe tomorrow if I get another decent night’s sleep. I’ve got a little weight room in the basement and a treadmill for the winter. I do a lot of yard work, and work on the house. Keeps me active enough.”

Adam seemed to be staring at Riley’s arms. “You look good. Like, really good. The beard, the hair, the body. You’re a fucking dreamboat, Riley.”

Riley knew he was blushing, but he also felt a more pleasant heat gathering low in his belly. He’d felt far from sexy all week, but the way Adam was gazing at him now was exciting.

Still, Riley ducked his head and muttered, “A dreamboat who can barely stay afloat, maybe.”

* * *

They’d decided, later, to watch the Washington versus New Jersey game. At first they’d sat on opposite ends of Riley’s couch, keeping the conversation in the safe zone of hockey. During the first intermission, Riley had filled a bowl with chips for them to munch on, which had brought them closer together. Now, during the third period, Adam was barely registering what was happening on the television, because Riley was asleep against his good shoulder.

Adam doubted, even if it had been his bad shoulder—even if he’d been in immense pain—that he would have woken Riley up. It was all so wonderfully familiar: the weight of Riley’s head, the tickle of his soft hair where it just barely touched the side of Adam’s neck, the sweet, peaceful sighs.

As happy as he was to have Riley pressed against him, he was just as happy that his friend was getting more sleep. He was happy that Riley felt comfortable enough with him to fall asleep like this.

Adam had lowered the volume on the TV almost all the way and had turned off the lamp beside him. In the corner, on his dog bed, Lucky was snoring much more loudly than his owner. Adam felt a swell of affection for him. Riley had found a good companion in Lucky.

Riley’s hand was resting lightly on Adam’s knee, his fingers curled and occasionally twitching. Adam, helpless, brushed them with his own.

It was absolutely baffling that Riley was single. That no one had snatched him up over all these years. Besides being a former NHL star (yes, star, no matter what Riley said), he ran a business, had a gorgeous home, and he was extremely handsome. More handsome with age, Adam thought. He was fully out of the closet, he didn’t drink, he didn’t seem to have any vices at all. His only active addiction, as far as Adam could tell, was to antiques. Had no one noticed how perfect he was?

Their loss was Adam’s gain. Not that Adam was clear on what exactly Riley wanted from him. And Adam wasn’t sure what he could realistically offer Riley at this point. Probably not enough. He was tied to Toronto, at least for now, and he hardly expected Riley to want to spend time there. Adam would be willing to do something long-distance if that’s what it took. He’d come to Avery River as often as he could. Whatever Riley wanted.

Adam was getting way ahead of himself. His method of problem solving had always been heavy-handed. Riley had once jokingly described him as someone who would smash a window before looking for a door. And that’s exactly what Adam had done to their friendship; he’d had scary feelings for Riley, and instead of facing them, he’d latched onto Maggie.

Smash.

He was now fully holding Riley’s hand, stroking his thumb over his knuckles. He realized that the game had ended and another was about to start. He had no idea who won.

Riley jerked suddenly, then said, “Was I asleep?”

Adam released his hand, hoping Riley hadn’t noticed him holding it. “A bit, yeah.”

Riley sat up, rubbed his face, then stared at Adam’s shoulder. “Sorry.”

“No problem.”

“I should go to bed.”

“Okay.” Adam turned off the TV, then followed Riley up the stairs. He felt woozy, his head filled with a weird mixture of guilt and infatuation, like he’d just awoken from a sexy dream about Riley. While Riley had dozed on the couch, Adam had been holding his hand and falling more deeply in love.

They paused awkwardly outside the guest room, Adam hoping that Riley would invite him to share his bed again. But why would he? Last night had been…well, weird and intense. Today had been good, but it hadn’t made anything clearer about what they were doing. He didn’t think Riley hated him anymore, so that was progress, but as for trying anything resembling a relationship…

Also, Adam had taken casual sex off the table last night, so it would probably be strange for Riley to invite him to literally sleep together. Still, he couldn’t stop himself from saying, “You slept well last night.”

“I did, yeah.”

“And you fell asleep pretty easily on the couch there.”

Riley’s lips twitched. “True.”

“I was just wondering…do you think it has anything to do with me?”

“It’s possible.”

Adam’s heart soared. “Maybe we should stay close then, y’know?”

“If you want.” Riley rubbed the back of his neck. “I probably will fall asleep right away. So if you’re thinking—”

“I’m not. Really. I just want you to sleep. And if you want to know what I’m getting out of it, well. I like being close to you.”

“God,” Riley mumbled. Then he took a step forward and kissed Adam on the cheek. “You don’t make it easy.”

“Don’t make what easy?” Adam asked around a giddy smile.

“Being normal about you. I can’t do it.”

Adam reached out a hand, and Riley took it. “I’ve never been normal about you. Don’t want to be.”

Riley smiled at him, unguarded and boyish. It made Adam’s legs weak. “Let’s fall asleep together then, weirdo.”

A few minutes later, Adam entered Riley’s bedroom wearing pajama pants, a T-shirt, and his glasses, and carrying one of the paperback spy novels from the bookshelf in his own room. Riley was wearing shorts and a T-shirt, and was already sitting on the bed, looking at his phone.

“I missed a text from Lindsay,” Riley said. “She’s leaving tomorrow.”

“Oh. That’s too bad.”

“I’m going to go to Mom’s tomorrow before she leaves. You don’t have to come, but…you can. If you want.”

Adam smiled and sat beside him. “I’d like that.”

Riley stared glumly at the floor. “I hate thinking about Mom being alone.”

“I know.”

“She’s strong, but still. I wish I could be stronger for her.”

Adam took his hand. “You’re strong as hell, Riley. You’ve fought through so much. And based on what I’ve seen this past week, I don’t think the town is going to let your mom be alone if she doesn’t want to be.”

Riley smiled a bit at that. “True.”

“And Lindsay will be back, right?”

“Yeah. As soon as she can, I’m sure. With the kids, probably. Mom can’t get enough of those girls.”

“And…maybe…I could come back? Sometime soon?” Adam shifted on the bed. “I mean, if that would be helpful. For you.”

Their eyes met, briefly, before Riley looked away again. “I wouldn’t hate that.”

Adam considered this a massive win. “Cool,” he said, as if fireworks weren’t going off in his chest.

“Well,” Riley said. His hand slipped out of Adam’s as he stood. “I need to sleep.”

He pulled back the duvet to reveal crisp bedsheets with a delicate floral print. Adam was absurdly charmed by this. “Are we trying this under the covers tonight, then?”

“It’s usually how I do it, yeah.”

As he got into bed, Adam took a moment to admire Riley’s bedroom. It had a high, sloped ceiling with exposed dark wood beams, a bay window facing the ocean, and another smaller window facing the front of the house. A large chandelier that looked like branches holding candles was suspended over the bed. There was a vintage armchair and ottoman in one corner, upholstered in dark blue velvet. A large mirror hung over the dresser, and another wall showcased a moody seascape painting. Like the rest of Riley’s house, it was immaculate and beautiful. It warmed Adam’s heart, thinking about Riley choosing to surround himself with beauty. To create a home where everything looked and felt pleasing. Adam sighed as he slipped between the cool, sleek bedsheets and wondered if Riley had ironed them. Probably. And Adam loved that.

He rested his head on a perfect pillow and waited for Riley to turn out the bedside lamp. He was surprised when Riley said, to the ceiling, “I do have good memories about hockey, just so you know.”

Adam rolled to his side to face him. “Yeah?”

“Some of the best memories. It took me a while to remember the good times, after I left, but there were a lot of good times. Some fucking great times.”

“Hell yes there were. I know I played for another decade, but all my best memories were with you, Riley.” Then, because he had to, he said, “I’ll never forgive myself for ruining the Cup win for you. I’m so sorry for that.”

Riley turned his head and met his gaze. “I made a bad call that night. I should have rejected you. I shouldn’t have let you come back to my place. I knew what was going to happen.”

“No, Riles. It was my fault. All of it. Everything I said after—”

“We were drunk,” Riley interrupted. “We were high on adrenaline, and we were drunk. It leads to bad decisions.”

“I wanted it to happen,” Adam said quietly. “I’d wanted it for years.”

Riley closed his eyes. “It was exactly how I wanted to celebrate that Cup win.”

“Until I freaked out.”

“Yeah, well. I should have expected it.” Riley sighed heavi-ly, opened his eyes, then said, “Anyway. We can leave it in the past.”

“Are you sure?”

“Maybe we can talk about it someday, but I’m barely hanging on right now.”

“Right. Sorry.”

Riley’s hand found Adam’s, under the blankets. He hooked their index fingers together, then said, “I just wanted you to know: I remember the good times too.”

Adam brushed his thumb against Riley’s. “Me too.”

“Good night, Shep.”

“Will you show me the beach tomorrow?”

Riley smiled, then closed his eyes and said, “Yeah. You’ll love it.”