Page 17

Riley hadn’t even made it out of the parking lot before he saw Adam leave the bar and get in his rental car.

“Asshole,” Riley muttered as he turned onto the road. He was seething with anger the whole way home, mostly at Adam, but also at himself. Why was Adam asking these questions? And why was Riley still so mad at him? Like he’d said in the bar, it had been years ago. They’d been in their twenties, and Adam could hardly be blamed for being scared about any feelings he may have had for Riley. If he’d had feelings for Riley. Maybe Adam just needed closure. Maybe he just needed to hear that he had nothing to do with Riley quitting hockey.

Too fucking bad.

He could see Adam’s car close behind him, but he ignored it. The road, dark in front of him, started to blur, and Riley hastily wiped at his eyes.

“Stop it,” he growled at himself. “Stop fucking crying.”

Ten minutes later, he was in his driveway. He exited the truck, slamming the door behind him, and stalked toward the house.

“Riley,” Adam called behind him. “Wait.”

Riley kept walking.

“Riley,” Adam said again, and then Riley could hear him running.

Riley wheeled on him. “What?”

Adam spread his arms wide. “Why don’t you just get it over with?”

“Get what over with?”

“Tell me off. Hit me. I don’t know. Whatever you need to do. I fucking can’t stand this anymore.”

“Then go back to Toronto.”

Adam stepped closer. “Why are you being such an asshole to me? I’m trying, Riley! I’m trying so fucking hard.”

“What do you want , Shep? What the fuck is it that you want from me?” Riley was yelling now. “Do you want me to tell you it wasn’t your fault? Fine. It’s not. It’s not your fault that I’m mentally ill, and it’s not your fault you weren’t in love with me. It’s all on me.”

Adam looked like Riley had hit him. His mouth hung open, and his eyes were wide and confused. And that was the last thing Riley saw before the headlights on Adam’s car turned off, plunging them into darkness.

“I could have helped you,” Adam said. His voice was shaking. “You were my best friend. Do you have any idea how much it fucking hurt when you left? You didn’t give me a heads-up, or a goodbye. You just left after nine years of you being, like, my whole fucking world.”

Riley snorted. “I think we both know I was not your whole fucking world.” He began walking toward the house. He wasn’t going to yell at Adam in the dark all night.

Adam followed. “I made a choice, all right? I made a choice that seemed right at the time. It wasn’t because I didn’t care about you.”

Riley rounded on him. The lights from the front porch partially illuminated Adam’s angry face, and seeing it only made Riley more furious. “Yeah, and then you made another choice. You chose to fuck me when we won the Cup. After years of not touching me, you chose to do that .” He rolled his hands into fists, then released them, then repeated it until finally a surge of anger swelled and they just remained fists. “Can you imagine how any of that felt? Wanting you, knowing I couldn’t have you anymore, and then suddenly you decide to fuck me because you’re feeling things you don’t want to? And then humiliating me as soon as you shot your load?” He was being unnecessarily vulgar, but it felt good. “You didn’t care about me, Adam. You didn’t.”

There were tears in Adam’s eyes now. Good.

“I don’t know what I can say about that night,” Adam said, “except sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I know I fucked up.”

“Yeah. You fucked up.” In his heart, Riley knew that he’d fucked up too. He’d gone to bed with Adam, knowing he was married, knowing they were both drunk, and knowing that Adam wasn’t going to leave his wife for him. But in the moment, it had been so easy to ignore all of it.

“I’m sorry,” Adam said again. He reached a hand out in an awkward, pleading gesture. Riley stared at it.

“Well,” Riley said sardonically, “I guess it all worked out for the best.” He turned and walked to the front door.

On the porch, Adam grabbed his wrist. “I’m sorry I hurt you, but you hurt me too.”

Riley clenched his jaw and opened the door.

“I kept hearing these rumors about you,” Adam continued, as they entered the house. “I knew you weren’t playing well, and everyone was saying you were drinking, missing practices, and getting in fights with your teammates. I was in agony, knowing that no one there understood your moods or how to take care of you.”

“Take care of me like you did?” Riley snapped. “Fucking me, telling me you wanted me, then telling me it never happened? Laughing at me when I finally worked up the courage to tell you I loved you? That was taking care of me and my moods ?”

Adam shook his head and released Riley’s wrist. His shoulders slumped in defeat. “No.” Then he met Riley’s gaze, his face determined again. “But we were so much more than that.”

Riley wanted to argue, but he couldn’t. Their friendship had been so easy, and maybe the rest could have been easy too, if they’d existed in a time and in a career that would have allowed it to be easy. “We were,” he agreed. “And I tried. For years after you were married, I tried. I get that part is my fault, but Jesus Christ, Shep. The way you just ignored my feelings was fucking mean .”

They heard Lucky stir from his bed in the living room, so Adam dropped his voice to a hissing whisper. “I was scared. Not just for me, but for you . The way we were going, we would have been caught. And then what?”

Riley shrugged.

“Maggie was safe ,” Adam said, sounding desperate. “I didn’t understand what exactly you wanted from me.”

“Because we never fucking talked about it ,” Riley snarled back. “And then you took the easy way out.”

“ Easy? There was nothing fucking easy about it. I needed to stop you from throwing everything away for me. I wasn’t worth it. We couldn’t have been together like you wanted. Not back then, and you know it. So yeah, I made a choice. I married Maggie and started a family, but I still needed you in my life.”

“Right. So you get to have it all, and I get to have scraps whenever you’re drunk enough to touch me. Sounds perfect.”

“I wanted you to have what I had! I know now how stupid that was. I do. You were never going to marry a woman, even for appearances, because you always understood who you were and what you wanted. But I imagined living next door to you, our kids playing together, and I thought it wouldn’t be a bad life.”

Riley huffed in disgust. Had Adam really been that delusional? Riley had imagined them living together , raising their own kids . Maybe not until they were both retired, but it had still been something they could have done, if Adam had wanted it at all.

“I was stupid, okay?” Adam said. “I was awful and selfish, but you have to know I was in love with you too. Of course I was.”

Adam may as well have stabbed Riley in the heart. Everything was blinding pain. “Shut up” was all he could say.

“I loved you. I—”

“Shut up .” Riley was panicking now. He jabbed a finger into Adam’s chest. “You can’t just say that now. You can’t make up how things were. It’s not fair.”

Adam gently wrapped his hand around Riley’s angry finger. “I loved you. And it terrified me. I was a fucking coward, and I hurt you. I hurt Maggie. I know I can’t apologize enough for the choices I made, but I was in love with you, Riley.”

“Stop,” Riley said desperately.

“I was in love with you,” Adam repeated, “and then you were gone .”

Riley turned and walked toward the stairs in a daze. He vaguely registered Lucky standing in the living room, looking concerned. He ignored him and went upstairs.

From his bedroom, he heard Adam talking softly to Lucky. Then he heard footsteps on the stairs, then in the hall, and then a quiet knock on his door, even though it wasn’t closed.

“Riley?” Adam’s eyes were red, and his shoulders were drawn. He took a cautious step into the room.

Riley turned on his bedside lamp, then walked to the window. Adam closed the door, probably for Lucky’s benefit. When Adam was right behind him, Riley spun around and said, “You fucked me up, and it took years to get over it. So don’t tell me you were in love with me! Not now.”

Adam spread his arms. “Do you want me to lie?”

“It’s what you’re good at.”

“I never lied to you.”

Riley let out a strangled, humorless laugh.

“I didn’t,” Adam insisted. “I lied to myself, maybe. And I lied to Maggie. But I told you the truth, always. Or at least what I believed to be the truth at the time. It just…took me a while to figure out some things.”

“So I should have waited, is that it? Given you another ten or twelve years to figure your shit out?”

Adam let out a frustrated groan. “I know! We’ve been over this! I was stupid and selfish and scared. I was also twenty-four when I married Maggie. That’s fucking young, Riles.”

“Maybe you’re the one who should have waited.”

“What else could I have done? She was pregnant! She loved me. I thought I loved her.”

“You could have used a condom.”

The way Adam glared at him was effective; Riley quickly filled with shame. “Fuck,” he said, as he ran a hand through his hair. He walked past Adam to the middle of the room.

“I will never regret my kids, Riley.” Adam’s voice was tight and angry. “Don’t try to make them sound like a failure of any kind.”

“I’m sorry. I’m—” Riley took a deep breath, then exhaled in a whoosh. “I’m upset.”

“I know.”

“I can’t fucking think when you’re around.”

“I’m sorry.”

“My dad died, Adam. He died last week . And then you show up at the funeral four days later and then you’re fucking helping me at the shop and telling me you missed me. It’s fucking too much.”

Adam stepped toward him. “I didn’t mean to overwhelm you.”

“That’s all you’ve ever done, Shep. You overwhelm me. It’s terrifying.”

“I know. I feel the same way. Always have.”

In the lamplight, Adam looked soft and tired and achingly beautiful. Riley closed his eyes. He felt like he was about to shatter into a million pieces.

Riley’s hands were curled into fists again at his sides, and Adam wrapped a hand around one of them. “I always hated watching you fight.”

“It was part of the job.”

“I mean against yourself. I just wanted to jump inside your head and tell whatever demons were in there to fuck off.”

Riley huffed, then opened his eyes. “Sometimes it felt like you did.”

Adam’s smile was so tender, it made Riley forget why they were arguing. All that existed in the world, suddenly, were Adam’s lips, his sad but hopeful eyes, his hand on Riley’s.

“Riley—” Adam whispered, but Riley cut him off by kissing him.