Page 10

April 2024

Fuck Adam Sheppard. Fuck his helpfulness, fuck his beautiful eyes, and fuck how cute he’d been while talking to Lucky. Fuck the way he’d licked cinnamon off his lips, and especially fuck how achingly familiar it was to hear his voice again. To have him in Riley’s space.

Why did Adam have to mention the bonfire?

Riley was at his mom’s house now—without Adam because there was no way Riley was going to let him invade more areas of his life. Not even after Adam had worked his ass off at the shop without complaint, because he’d known, no matter what Riley had said, that he needed help.

What a fucking dick.

“I hope you’re in the mood for lasagna,” Mom said when Riley entered the kitchen. “We’ve got three of them.”

“One for each of us,” Lindsay said cheerfully. For the first time in a week or so, there were no additional people in the house. Riley was grateful.

“Paula gave me some brown bread.”

“Keep that for yourself,” Mom said as she gestured toward a corner of the countertop, where a stack of loaves of various breads sat. “I’m going to need to buy another freezer as it is. Here, sit. I made tea.”

They all sat at the round kitchen table, and Riley tried to ignore the empty chair. Lindsay poured tea into mismatched mugs from a teapot covered in a handmade cozy that looked like a hen. Riley’s mug had the Toronto Northmen logo on it.

“How’d it go at the credit union?” Riley asked.

Mom sighed heavily. “Oh, you know. Nothing too complicated, but it was still…hard. At least I didn’t have to explain much about the situation. Not in this town.”

“You should have let me come with you,” Lindsay said, at the same time Riley said something similar.

Mom waved her hand. “It’s done. But—” she looked at Riley “—what do you think about taking over the shop officially? Owning it yourself, I mean.”

“Me? But shouldn’t we share it?” He glanced uncertainly at Lindsay.

“It’s yours,” Lindsay said firmly. “I haven’t even worked a shift there in over a decade. And you love it.”

He did love it. But would he still love it, now that Dad wouldn’t be working alongside him? “It seems unfair, though.”

Lindsay laughed. “Unless you’re secretly earning millions under the table at that shop, I don’t think we’re being all that generous here.”

Riley huffed. The shop was definitely not earning millions. It did all right, as the only sporting goods shop in the area. They certainly lost business to the larger chain stores in New Glasgow, Amherst, and Truro, and these days they lost even more to online stores, but Tuck’s had been a fixture here since the fifties, and people were loyal. As long as Tuck’s stayed on top of the trends, stocked what people were looking for, and provided friendly and knowledgeable service, they’d survive. It didn’t hurt that Riley was something of a local celebrity.

“But what about you, Mom?”

“I’m almost seventy. I’m happy to help out if you need me at all, but I’m not interested in being in charge.” Mom had been the secretary at the school for nearly thirty years before retiring, but had worked at the shop during the summers. It had never been her passion, but he knew she cared a lot about the family business she’d married into.

“I’ll do my best with it,” Riley promised. “I’m not Dad, though.”

Mom reached across the table, and Riley gave her his hand to squeeze. “He was so proud of you, and the work you put into that store. I know he was never worried about the shop’s future.”

It was nice to hear, even though Riley’s eyes went misty. “Thanks.”

“So I heard Adam helped out today?” Lindsay asked.

Riley took a long sip of his tea, swallowed, then said, “He did.”

“You must have had lots to talk about,” Mom said.

“I guess.” Riley was stuck on the things they hadn’t talked about, and the things that had only been hinted at. Like the fucking bonfire .

Since Adam had mentioned it, Riley’s brain had been running a clip show on a constant loop: Adam, nearly twenty-four years old, glowing in the firelight and smiling up at the stars; Adam on his back, sand clinging to his neck and arms as he pulled Riley closer; Adam arching and gasping Riley’s name as he came into Riley’s fist; both of them cleaning themselves in the ocean after, laughing and stealing kisses in the moonlight. Riley had been absolutely euphoric, dizzy with how much he’d loved Adam, and wishing this could all be real. That this could be their lives every day, instead of being reduced to sporadic moments when all of the conditions were perfect. When Adam was just tipsy enough, just horny enough, just weak enough to want Riley.

The summer after that one, Adam had married Maggie. There hadn’t been a wedding to speak of—they’d eloped to Niagara Falls when they’d learned Maggie was pregnant—which had been the only small mercy. At least Riley hadn’t had to endure the agony of watching Adam get married. He’d only needed to endure the agony of watching Adam be married.

“It’s weird seeing him again,” Riley said. “I don’t know.”

Lucky wandered in after wrapping up his inspection of the entire house. He squeezed between their legs under the table and lay down, tail thumping against Riley’s ankle.

“I’ve been getting messages from all sorts of people who I haven’t talked to in years,” Lindsay said. “I get it.”

Riley was sure it wasn’t the same situation, but he nodded.

“You should invite him to stay with you,” Mom said. “You’ve got that lovely guest room, and lord knows he can’t be sleeping well on those lumpy old things at the River Bend.”

Absolutely fucking not. “No one is forcing him to stay in town.”

Mom and Lindsay exchanged a look that Riley didn’t like. He knew they didn’t understand why he was so angry with Adam. They didn’t know, because Riley had never talked to them about it. Even if he’d wanted to, he’d never known how to talk to them about it. Adam had always insisted he was straight, and though Riley had his doubts about that, especially when Adam was fucking him, it certainly wasn’t his place to share those doubts with anyone. Riley had long suspected that his family might think he’d had unrequited romantic feelings about Adam, and that that had caused the rift between them, at least in part. It would have been an easy assumption to make, given the way Riley was sure he’d always looked at Adam. The way he’d talked about him.

And, anyway, it was true. The feelings had been unrequited.

“It would be nice for you to have some company,” Mom said. “I know I’d feel better if you weren’t alone out there at that house.”

Riley could hear what she wasn’t saying: we expect your father’s death to break you, and someone should be there to help.

Well, it wasn’t going to be Adam Sheppard, that was for fucking sure. Adam Sheppard, who was divorced now. Who Riley had already nearly kissed twice in less than twenty-four hours, despite hating him. Distance was crucial.

“I’m fine. And I have friends.” Then he blurted out, “I’m actually heading to see Darren and Tom after this.”

Mom brightened. “Oh, that’s good. Would they like some bread?”

Riley stayed with his mom and sister for a while, eventually eating lasagna and then helping with the dishes. The whole time, his head was swimming with Adam Sheppard. He could still feel Adam’s fingers around his wrist, and Adam’s breath against his lips when he’d said, “You know why.”

Riley hated how weak he’d felt in that moment. He hated the sharp flash of excitement that had rocked him when he’d learned Adam was divorced. He hated that twelve fucking years hadn’t been enough time to get the man out of his system.

Now he sat in his truck in Mom’s driveway and texted Darren: Can I come over?

Darren replied quickly, telling him of course he could. About twenty minutes later, Riley was driving up the long unpaved road that wound its way through maple trees to Darren and Tom’s house. He was glad he’d come, already feeling lighter with how normal this felt. Darren and Tom were his friends now, not Adam. His social life was easy and comfortable and openly queer, with no misplaced feelings. His sex life was equally uncomplicated. He would feel better after spending time with his friends.

Darren greeted him with a kiss, while Lucky was greeted by Darren and Tom’s two Great Pyrenees, Josephine and Claudette.

“Did you get some sleep?” Darren asked as they watched the dogs happily dance around each other.

“Some.”

“Good. Have you eaten?”

“Yeah. Sorry if I’m interrupting your dinner.”

“Absolutely not. Tom is reheating some cassoulet. Come sit. We’ll let the dogs play out back for a bit.”

They went to the living room, with its high ceiling and giant stone fireplace. Riley sat on what he’d come to think of as his usual end of the sectional sofa. Darren took the dogs to the large fenced-in area behind the house, then joined Riley on the sofa, one cushion away. “So how are you?”

“I don’t know,” Riley said. “Not great.”

“Have you talked to your therapist?”

“Not yet.”

Darren made a disappointed noise.

“I will ,” Riley said. “Jesus Christ, I’ve been kind of busy. It takes a while to get an appointment anyway.”

Darren stared at him, eyebrows raised, until Riley said, “Which is why I should make the appointment now.”

“Right now,” Darren said. “Get out your phone.”

He watched as Riley dutifully booked an appointment online for two weeks from today, and insisted Riley put himself on the waiting list for last-minute cancellations.

“There. Done,” Riley said. “Happy?”

“It’s about you being happy, love.”

Tom emerged from the kitchen carrying a tray with a water pitcher, glasses, and a bowl of something. “Hi, Riley. I can make coffee if you like.”

“No, water is great, thanks.”

Tom placed the tray on the coffee table, then poured water into a glass. “Rough day?”

“Weird day.” Riley decided to start with the easiest thing to explain. “The shop is mine now. Or it will be once I sign some paperwork. Feels strange.”

“Oh,” Darren said sympathetically, “that’s huge. Are you okay with it?”

Riley shrugged. “Guess I knew it was coming, or at least that I’d be in charge of it. Still. Dad kind of was the shop, y’know?”

“He was a big part of it,” Tom agreed, “and I know I’m from away, but to me you’re just as big a part of it.”

“He’s right,” Darren agreed quickly. “Avery River loves you.”

“Not like him, though. Dad always had time for everyone, and he was friends with everyone. I’ve never been great at talking to people. Hard work I can do, but the rest of it…”

“Like what? The hockey stuff?” Darren asked. “I’m pretty sure you know hockey stuff.”

Riley smiled a little. He was, in his opinion, a pretty uninspiring hockey coach, and he never had anything to say at any meetings for the local hockey association. He hated organizing fundraisers or participating in them. Dad would throw himself into local events and festivals year-round. He’d been the kind of guy who made a great Santa at the annual Avery River Christmas skate, or who was never uncomfortable visiting people in the hospital or a nursing home. He’d loved people, and he’d loved his town.

“All of it, really,” Riley said. “I just want to be good enough to be his son.”

Darren and Tom made identical noises of protest, then Darren said, “You’re more than good enough. Everyone knew how proud he was of you. You know how we knew? Because he never fucking shut up about it.”

Riley laughed, but his eyes were wet. “Yeah. I know.”

“He was proud of your hockey career, he was proud of you for being strong enough to quit, he was proud of the work you did at the store. Fuck, Riley, he was proud of you when you came out. Do you know how awesome that is? Your dad is the reason they fly a Pride flag outside the rink now. That was not a man who wished his son could be more , you know what I’m saying?”

Riley nodded, then a sob escaped him. “I miss him.”

Darren wrapped his arms around him, then Tom was somehow behind him with a hand on his shoulder. They let him cry, and when he was done, Tom handed him his water.

“Thanks,” Riley said. He took a sip. “I’m so tired of crying.”

“Do you want to hear some gossip from Halifax?” Darren asked.

“God, please. Yes.”

They talked for over an hour, the air soon filling with laughter instead of sobbing. Riley listened to outrageous stories about people he barely knew, or didn’t know at all, and munched on spiced almonds. The dogs had tired themselves out, and Tom had let them in so they could rest in front of the fire. Tom and Darren ate bowls of cassoulet from their laps and drank wine because they knew it wouldn’t bother Riley if they did. Riley loved that about them, how they didn’t treat him like he was broken. Everything was just matter-of-fact: Riley didn’t drink because he chose not to, he took antidepressants because he needed them, and he didn’t talk much because that was just who he was. He didn’t need to be fixed, and no one needed to be careful with him.

Maybe it was the coziness of a moment, and the safety Riley felt, that made him say, “There’s something else going on. Maybe I should talk about it.”

Darren leaned in, all ears. “Of course. Anything.”

God, Darren was going to love this. But how could Riley talk about Adam without outing him?

Carefully, he supposed.

“There’s this…guy.”

Darren pressed his fingertips to his lips in excitement.

“Calm down,” Riley said. “This isn’t that kind of story. It’s just…someone I haven’t seen in a long time has been in town this week, for the funeral, and I don’t know how to feel about it.”

Tom nodded, but his brow was pinched. Darren said, “We may need a tiny bit more information, love.”

Riley exhaled. He could do this. “He’s someone I…let’s say had a crush on. But a long time ago.”

“How long ago?” Darren asked.

“It’s been twelve years since I’d last spoken to him.”

He could see Darren doing the math in his head. “Is this a hockey player?” Darren finally asked. “Oh! That superstar guy. Everyone was talking about him at your mom’s house after the funeral. What’s his name again?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Riley said, at the same moment Tom said, “Adam Sheppard.” When both Riley and Darren stared at him, Tom said, “I used to live in Toronto, remember?”

“All right,” Riley said. “Fine. Yes, it’s him.”

“Okay, so you had a crush on this guy when you were teammates?”

Calling it a crush was such a massive understatement, but Riley nodded anyway. “You can’t tell anyone. I’m not here to out anyone, I just—” Shit. Shit. Riley hadn’t meant to say that.

Darren’s eyes widened. “So not just a one-sided thing then?”

“Fuck. Never mind.”

Tom put a hand on Riley’s arm. “You know we won’t tell anyone.”

Riley held his gaze for a moment, then nodded. “It was more than a crush,” he admitted. “But that’s all I’m going to say about it. Anyway, he showed up at the shop today to help me out. He brought coffee and cinnamon buns and did a bunch of work.”

“Oh,” Darren said. “That sounds…terrible?”

“It is terrible,” Riley insisted. “He’s making me remember things I’ve worked hard to forget.”

“Bad things?” Darren looked fierce, like he’d murder Adam without question if Riley asked.

“Bad things, yeah. But the good things are maybe the worst of it.”

“You still feel something for him,” Tom guessed.

“No,” Riley said quickly. “I don’t. I can’t , I—fuck. I’m so messed up right now, but he’s suddenly here and, I don’t know. It’s been a long time, but it almost feels like it hasn’t been.”

“He’s still hot, huh?” Darren said.

“God,” Riley sighed. “He’s even hotter.”

“I mean,” Darren said slowly, “this doesn’t sound like the worst situation.”

Riley was going to have to dig a little deeper to make his friends understand. “He broke my heart,” he blurted out. “Like, fucking crushed it. And then he did it again.”

“When? Today?”

“No, back then.” Even though Riley had just said he wouldn’t go into detail, he heard himself saying, “We used to fool around sometimes, nothing serious. At least not for him. But I was in love with him. I told him, he laughed at me, and I had to keep going somehow. We stayed friends, and I watched him get married and have kids and be heterosexual, while I fucking fell apart inside. Then, years later, he kind of threw himself at me, and I was so fucking happy. I thought maybe he was going to choose me after all, but instead he freaked out after and said it was a mistake and it could never happen again. That he loved his wife, that he wasn’t gay. All that.”

“That,” Darren said, “is fucked up.”

“And I know I’m an asshole for sleeping with a married man, no matter our history. I fucking know , but I wasn’t strong enough to say no. Not if there’d been a chance he might choose me.”

“Jesus, Riley,” Tom said. “How come you never told us before?”

“Mostly because I just want to forget about him.”

“But now he’s here,” Darren said. “He’s still here?”

“Yeah. He doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to leave.”

Darren and Tom exchanged a look.

“So, he knows you’re gay, obviously,” Darren said, “and he decided to come for the funeral, despite not talking to you for over a decade, and now he’s hanging around just so he can spend time with you?”

“Does his wife know he’s here?” Tom asked.

“Oh. That’s the other thing. He’s divorced now.”

Darren and Tom shared another look.

“So,” Tom said, “if he’s hot and divorced and only in town for a few days, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you…”

“Tom!” Darren scolded. “That is terrible advice. This isn’t some old fling—this is the monster who broke Riley’s heart.”

“ Monster might be a bit much,” Riley said, though it felt good to hear someone say it. “But still. I’m way too fucked-up right now to deal with Adam.”

“I know the timing is awful,” Tom said gently, “but maybe he has regrets about how he treated you. If you still have feelings for him, maybe—”

“Too fucking late,” Darren interrupted. “Right, Riley?”

“Yeah,” Riley sighed. “Way too late.”