Page 19

Riley woke early the next morning, as always, and enjoyed a triumphant moment of realizing that he’d gotten a good night’s sleep before he remembered everything else about last night.

He rolled over and found Adam crashed out on top of the duvet next to him. Like Riley, he was still wearing his clothes from last night. He was on his back, one hand resting on his stomach and the other on the pillow. Riley remembered that he’d fallen asleep with one of Adam’s arms wrapped around him, unsure of what it had meant but too exhausted to care anymore.

I was in love with you too. Of course I was.

Last night, Riley hadn’t been capable of processing those words. Now, in the quiet of early morning, watching the even rise and fall of Adam’s chest, he could hold on to the words and examine each one.

The word “was” couldn’t be ignored. It provided important distinction and made the entire earth-shattering statement less exciting and more frustrating.

Also frustrating were the words “of course,” which implied there’d been something obvious that Riley had missed. Or maybe Adam had only just realized and was saying it to himself.

Riley could analyze the words all day, and it wouldn’t change the fact that hearing them had caused him to basically explode emotions all over the place. And then he’d kissed Adam and, well. It all could have gone a lot better, probably.

But Adam was still here. He’d held him through his meltdown, and he’d held him after. Riley had offered frantic, urgent sex, and Adam had said no.

I’m not rejecting you.

He hadn’t, right? Riley still wasn’t sure. It had certainly felt like a rejection at the time. But Adam had kissed him back, he was sure of it, and he’d been hard. It had felt like old times, kissing Adam messily against a wall after a night out, thrilling at the speedy arrival of Adam’s erection and the enthusiastic, drunken way Adam kissed him back. Except Adam hadn’t been drunk this time—not even close—and Riley wasn’t sure if that made him feel better or worse.

Riley, it seemed, didn’t need to be drunk to make terrible decisions about Adam Sheppard.

He could hear Lucky pacing around downstairs, which meant Riley needed to leave the bed. He moved carefully, not wanting to wake Adam. He crept out of the room and into the bathroom, where he proceeded to make himself look and feel as human as possible.

Lucky greeted him happily as always when Riley descended the stairs.

“Good morning,” Riley whispered. “Let’s go outside, huh?”

The morning air was cool and the grass was covered in dew, but the sky was clear and blue. Riley stood on the deck and gazed out at the ocean while he waited for Lucky to do his thing. He could see two fishing boats out in the bay and the lighthouse at the end of the point.

Going to the Dropped Anchor had been a mistake. He should have let Adam enjoy his evening of being adored, then made sure to be in bed by the time Adam had come home. Then there wouldn’t have been any fighting or crying or unwanted kissing. Then Riley wouldn’t have anything to feel mortified about.

Well, at least now Adam had seen the truth of it: Riley was still a mess, and sometimes that mess turned into a scary, unhinged, sobbing monster. Sometimes that monster would tell you to fuck off when really he just needed you to stay and hold him.

Adam had stayed, and he’d held him.

He heard the door open behind him, and then footsteps.

“Hey,” Adam said quietly.

“Hi.”

Adam stood beside him and rested his forearms on the railing. “Sleep okay?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“Good.” A long silence passed, and then Adam said, “Hey! Boats.”

“Yep.”

“Are they fishing boats?”

“Yes.”

“You know exactly who’s on those boats, don’t you?”

Riley smiled slightly. “Yes.”

“I think that’s cool. It’s probably nice to be a part of a tight community.”

“I think you basically are part of it now.”

Adam huffed. “Nah. But—” Instead of finishing his sentence he said, “You going to work today?”

“Yep.”

“Oh.” The single syllable was loaded with concern.

Riley exhaled. “I’m sorry about last night.”

“Don’t be. But are you sure you’re good to go to the shop? No one would blame you for taking more time.”

“I’ll be okay. And I don’t work tomorrow, so.”

“All right.”

He could tell Adam had questions that he wasn’t letting himself ask. Riley took a guess at some of them.

“I’ve been getting professional help for my, um, stuff. I have a therapist I’ve been talking to for years, and I take medication. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and an emotional dysregulation disorder. Probably not a big surprise, but yeah. That’s me.”

“Emotional dysregulation,” Adam repeated quietly.

“Right. I’ve been mostly managing okay since moving back here and getting diagnosed and all that, but then, well. Things got bad last week.”

“God, Riley. I’m so sorry. I made it so much worse, didn’t I?”

“No,” Riley said quickly, then amended, “Okay, yeah. You did. But…I’m not sorry you’re here.”

“You’re not?” He could feel Adam’s surprised gaze on him, so he turned his head to meet it.

“Not anymore.”

Adam’s lips curved into an achingly sweet smile.

Riley found it hard to tear his attention away from those lips. He had a muddy memory of Adam saying something last night about wanting to earn Riley’s kisses. About wanting to do things right. Had he meant it? Riley was too scared to ask.

And if he did mean it, what exactly was Adam hoping for? A fling while he was in town, or more? What would “more” even look like? A long-distance relationship with Adam visiting as often as possible? Would Riley go to Toronto? And if Riley did go to Toronto, what would that be like? Would they hide in Adam’s house the whole time? Would they go on dates? Would Adam be open about their relationship?

Relationship. Jesus. Was that possible?

Riley couldn’t quite imagine a world where Adam Sheppard, one of the most celebrated Toronto Northmen players ever, would publicly be in a relationship with Riley Tuck. He was sure no one else could either.

But could Adam picture that? Did he picture that?

“Um,” Riley said, still staring at Adam’s lips, “you got plans today?”

“I’m meeting Cathy later to talk about the banquet.”

“Right.” Because that was something else Adam was doing for him. Another sweet, stubborn gesture that showed Riley he cared about him. Despite everything Riley had said to him this week, Adam was still here, and he was trying so hard. Riley didn’t need to ask him if he’d meant what he’d said about wanting to get things right between them. He was showing it constantly.

Suddenly, Riley really wanted Adam to meet his friends. “Do you want to go to the farmers market before I go to work?”

Adam lit up. “There’s a farmers market? Hell yes I want to go.”

* * *

“It’s not peak season for the market,” Riley said as they crossed the parking lot.

“I’ll manage my expectations,” Adam said, leaning into him slightly, hoping it seemed playful and not touch starved.

The market was housed in a large blue building that sort of resembled a barn but looked fairly new. The parking lot was nearly full, though it was only nine in the morning.

Once inside, Adam was instantly delighted. When was the last time he’d been to a farmers market? He’d been to a couple with Maggie, or maybe those were craft markets. This one had a table featuring local honey and another with smoked salmon and another piled high with fresh bread.

Farmers markets were fucking awesome.

He went to the honey table and picked up the largest jar they had. “You make all this yourself?” he asked the woman behind the table.

She laughed and said, “The bees do most of the work.” She was Black, probably a few years older than Adam, and was wearing actual overalls, like a farmer .

“Right,” Adam said, feeling stupid. “But you take care of the bees?”

“My wife and I do.” She pointed to a white woman with curly pink hair who was talking to a man at the table across the aisle from them. “You visiting?”

“Yeah. From Toronto.” He put the honey down. A giant jar of honey would never be permitted in his carry-on suitcase. “I’m visiting my friend…” It was then that he noticed Riley wasn’t with him. He glanced around and spotted him talking to three people near the entrance.

“Uh-oh. One second, ma’am.” Adam strode over to Riley with his listening ears on, making sure he wasn’t about to rescue his friend unnecessarily. After a few seconds of hearing an older woman, who probably meant well, tell Riley how awful his father’s death was for the town, Adam said, “There you are, Riley!”

“Uh, hi. Sorry, I was just…”

Adam turned to the woman who’d just been speaking, “I need his opinion on some honey.”

Riley’s brow furrowed, then he got it. “Right. Thanks. I mean, sure.” To the woman he’d been talking to, and her companions, he said, “Have a good morning. Say hi to Terry for me.”

As he walked Riley away, Adam said, “Sorry. I got distracted by honey. I should have done a better job running interference.”

“It’s okay.” As they approached the honey table, Riley said, “Hey, Bea.”

The woman— Bee? —smiled at Riley, then came around the table for a hug. “Aw, Riley,” she said. “It’s so good to see you.”

“You too. Where’s Nell?”

“Getting me a coffee, or at least she’s supposed to be.” Bea said the second part loudly enough that her wife—Nell, Adam assumed—turned around and made a face at her.

“I’m going!” Nell said. “I just needed to ask Trent something.”

Bea shook her head, then turned back to Riley. “So who’s your handsome Toronto friend?”

Adam smiled, both at being called handsome and at not being recognized. “I’m Adam.” He extended his hand, and she shook it. “Is your name really Bea?”

“Yes. And the jokes have all been made, believe me.” She glanced at Riley, then back at Adam. “So, have you guys known each other…long?” She looked confused, which is how Adam puzzled together the fact that she and Riley must be close, and that Riley had never mentioned him.

“We used to be teammates,” Riley said.

Though his description was accurate, it was also kind of brutal. “Right,” Adam managed.

“Cool,” Bea said. “Welcome to Avery River, Adam.”

“I’ve been here before,” Adam wanted to say. “I used to look forward to summer so I could be here with Riley. I had sex with him here.”

Adam spotted the ornate candles at one end of the table. Now those could probably travel in a carry-on bag. He picked up a tall, golden-yellow pillar candle with flowers carved into it and held it to his nose. It smelled like honey. Beeswax, right. That was a thing.

“Can I buy this?” he asked.

Bea’s eyes went wide. “Not that one. That is the cursed candle!”

Adam began to put it back on the table. “What?”

“Nah. I’m joking. It’s normal and it’s thirty dollars.”

Adam laughed nervously and got his wallet out. Bea was the clever kind of funny that he could never keep up with.

“I think Maggie will like it,” he said to Riley as Bea wrapped the candle in tissue paper.

Riley looked surprised, like he didn’t expect Adam to still buy Maggie gifts. And maybe Adam shouldn’t, maybe that was Ethan’s job now, but Maggie still meant a lot to Adam.

“So you guys really are good, then?” Riley said.

“Who? Me and Maggie? Totally.”

“I’m glad.” It sounded like Riley really meant it, no hint of jealousy or bitterness in his voice. Adam had always suspected, despite everything, that Riley had truly liked Maggie. He wondered if that had made things easier or harder for him.

Riley chatted with Bea for another minute, then he and Adam got out of the way when a new customer approached. They roamed from stall to stall, Adam wanting to see everything. They got in line for coffee, which Riley promised was excellent, and by that time Adam had bought the candle, a half dozen shortbread cookies, a half dozen thumbprint cookies, a packet of smoked salmon, a dozen chocolate macaroons, and a large Avery River Farmers Market tote bag to put it all in. Riley had wordlessly taken the bag from him, relieving the strain on Adam’s shoulder.

“I love the idea of making something like honey as your job. Living on a bee farm, selling your products at the market. It’s so…nice.”

“Nice?” Riley asked.

“Yeah! Just…making stuff. And selling it. It’s a nice life, I’ll bet.”

Riley’s lips tilted up on one side. “Probably. I know a lot of people here who have that sort of life.”

“I don’t know anyone who does that. Literally no one.”

They got their coffees, and as Riley was adding milk to his, he said, “There are some other friends of mine here I’d like you to meet.” He gave Adam his subtle, amused smile. “They make stuff. And sell it.”

“I’d love to meet any of your friends. All of them. Bea seemed cool. I didn’t really get to talk to her wife.”

“Nell’s awesome. We love her.”

Adam was confused by “we” but he nodded.

“Here,” Riley said, and began walking toward a table just past the coffee stand.

The sign above the table read North Shore Maple Syrup, and Adam was immediately on board.

“Riley,” called a loud and very excited voice. “Oh my god, darling. I didn’t expect to see you here!”

The man dashed out from behind the table, like Bea had, and engulfed Riley in a hug. He was tall—about Adam’s height—but very slim and blond. He was probably around Adam’s age, but could pass for younger. He was attractive and, unless Adam really was clueless about this sort of thing, gay.

“Are you okay?” the man asked. “Oh, no. Never mind. Forget I asked that. How awful of me. But are you okay?”

Riley smiled. “I’m okay. I want you to meet someone.”

The man then noticed Adam and gave him a very obvious once-over. And then a twice over. He looked back at Riley with wide eyes and hissed, “Is this him ?”

Riley blushed, which made Adam think that he was, indeed, him . He wondered if him meant “the hot guy who’s visiting me” or “the absolute piece of shit who broke my heart.” Probably the second one.

“Darren,” Riley said, “this is Adam.”

There was a definite note of “you know, Adam . The guy I told you about ” in Riley’s tone. At least he’d mentioned Adam to at least one of his friends.

“Nice to meet you, Darren,” Adam said, and extended his hand.

Darren’s eyes kept darting between Riley and Adam as he shook his hand. “Adam,” he said. “You two used to be teammates, right?”

“Yes,” Riley said, and now the note in his tone was one of warning.

“And you lived together, am I right?”

“That’s right,” Adam said, pleased that Riley had given his friend at least two pieces of information about him.

“And now you’re here! That’s wonderful.” He made a face at Riley that Adam couldn’t interpret. Riley shook his head. “Are you staying with Riley?”

“I am.”

“Oh!” He stretched the syllable out with a hefty amount of interest. “Riley has a beautiful home.”

“He does,” Adam agreed. He knew Riley was uncomfortable, so he distracted Darren by asking, “So you make maple syrup? That’s awesome. How do you even do that?”

“A tremendous amount of drilling and tapping,” Darren said with a wink.

“God,” Riley grumbled.

Then Darren snapped his fingers, “You could come to the farm. Riley, what are you doing tomorrow night? We’re having people for dinner. We only didn’t invite you already because we assumed you weren’t ready for company, but you’re here, and you could bring Adam. We’d love to have you.”

“Oh, um,” Riley said. “Tomorrow?” He glanced at Adam, who wasn’t sure if he wanted approval, or if he wanted out of this invitation.

“Yes, but early. For dinner. Not a late night at all,” Darren insisted. “Bea and Nell will be there. And Jackson and Marcel are visiting from Halifax, that’s why we’re having the dinner. Please come. Eight people is so much better than six, and we miss you.”

“I don’t want to complicate things for Tom.”

Darren waved a hand. “You know Tom is going to cook for twenty people anyway.”

Again, Riley looked at Adam. Again, Adam had no idea what Riley wanted him to say. Slowly, carefully, Adam said, “If you feel up for it, Riles, I’d love to get to know your friends.”

Something flashed in Riley’s eyes that made Adam think he’d said the right thing. “Okay, yeah. We can go, then. It would be nice, I think, to be with friends. Good energy.”

“The best energy,” Darren agreed. “And don’t bring a thing. Just your…Adam.”

Now it was Adam’s turn to blush. “It was nice meeting you. See you tomorrow.”

They left the market shortly after. “So, I assume Tom is Darren’s…?”

“Husband,” Riley confirmed. “He’s great.”

“How did you meet them? I mean, obviously it’s a small town, but…”

“Darren and I went to school together. I wouldn’t say we were good friends back then, but I’ve known him since we were both five years old.”

“Oh,” Adam said. “Wow.”

They got into Riley’s truck, and Riley placed Adam’s bag of treasures in the back of the cab. Then he said, “I know you’re wondering, so I’ll just tell you: yes, Darren and I used to hook up.”

Adam had definitely been wondering that. “You did? Yeah? Like…when?”

“In high school a bit. And after, when I’d come home in the summers. But then he moved to Halifax and met Tom.”

“Oh. Was that…hard? For you?”

“What? No. We weren’t like that. We were just the only gay kids in town, at least that’s what we thought at the time, so we got a little practice in, y’know? And we became friends. Just friends,” he emphasized, for some reason. “It wasn’t like—” Riley stopped talking.

Adam finished the sentence in his head. “It wasn’t like us.” His heart swooped. “I couldn’t tell if you actually wanted to go to their house. If you’d rather not, that’s fine with me.”

“No, I would, I think. Those are all good people, and it might do me some good to be around friends.”

That stung a bit, but Adam ignored it. “It’ll be fun,” he said, and hoped he was right. He was very curious about Riley’s friends, and about his rural gay life in general. He was also legitimately curious about the process of making maple syrup. He imagined the dinner being nothing but stacks of pancakes. He wouldn’t hate that.

“I’m starving,” he announced.

“If only you had fifty or sixty cookies.”

“Those are for later.”

“If those aren’t gone by noon, I’ll be surprised.”

Adam smiled. “I’ll pace myself. I’m not exercising like I used to. I’ve gotta watch it.” He patted his stomach.

Riley glanced at him quickly, before he began backing out of the parking spot. “You look all right to me.”

Adam rode that high for most of the drive back to Riley’s house. They’d left things in a weird place last night. He’d told Riley he’d been in love with him, Riley had kissed him, Adam had told Riley he wanted to do things right this time, yet somehow all of that added up to a lot of uncertainty about what they were doing now.

At the house, Riley dropped Adam off, and Lucky took his place in the passenger seat. Adam stood beside the truck and talked to Riley through the open driver side window.

“Text me if you have any questions,” Riley said, “or if…”

“If I get lonely?” Adam tried.

Riley’s cheeks darkened as he smiled. “Sure.”

“I will. Have a good day.”

“Thanks. Don’t let Cathy bully you.”

“I won’t.”

“And, um…” Riley’s hand kneaded the steering wheel anxiously. “We can maybe talk. Later.”

“I’d like that.”

Riley nodded. “Okay. See you later, then.”

Adam wanted to kiss him goodbye, but he settled for quickly squeezing Riley’s shoulder. “See you.”

Adam resolved, as he watched Riley back out of the driveway, to try to woo the man a little. He wanted to give him all the open affection and adoration that he deserved, and that Adam had been too scared to offer before, all those years ago. To let him know, without pushing, that he was serious about wanting to earn whatever Riley was willing to offer.