Page 18

For a few dizzy seconds, Adam couldn’t think. His brain was completely consumed by Riley’s lips on his, and the staggering blend of relief and excitement that came with it. Riley was kissing him, and Adam, after a brief moment of surprise, was kissing him back. Riley’s hands were on Adam’s face, and Adam was being walked backward until he bumped against a wall. Then Riley was everywhere , his tongue in Adam’s mouth, his moans in Adam’s ears, and his thigh between Adam’s legs. Adam was hard almost instantly, and he grabbed at Riley’s shirt, trying to pull him impossibly closer.

You overwhelm me.

Adam could feel the desperation in Riley’s kiss, and in the way he was now rocking against him. The familiarity of it was both thrilling and terrifying. As Adam’s senses returned, he knew he had a choice to make: he could think with his dick and let this happen, or he could finally make the right decision when it came to Riley Tuck.

He broke the kiss and gently shoved on Riley’s chest, creating space. “Riley,” he said, somewhat breathlessly, “I don’t—”

That was all he was able to say before Riley let out an anguished sound that was close to a howl, then staggered away from him. Riley gripped his own hair with both hands, as if he was trying to tear his skull open. Then he crumpled to the floor.

Adam went to him immediately, crouching beside him and placing his hands on Riley’s shoulders. He’d helped Riley through emotional overloads like this before, but he’d never witnessed one he’d been the cause of. God, how many had he been the cause of? “Hey, hey, no. Riley, look at me.”

“Why am I so fucking stupid ?” Riley said in a horrible, broken voice.

“You’re not stupid. You’re not. You’re amazing.”

“Shut up !” Riley practically screamed the words. “Why do you keep doing this to me?”

“Riley,” Adam said, barely above a whisper, trying to sound calm even though his heart was racing. “Riley. Listen to me. Please. I’m not rejecting you.”

Riley tucked his head down farther, burying his face in his forearms while he continued to pull at his own hair.

“I’m not rejecting you,” Adam repeated, some of the panic he felt leaking into his voice now. “Riley, I want to kiss you. I want to do so many things with you, but not like this.”

“Fuck you.”

“It’s not what you need right now.”

Riley raised his head enough that Adam could see his eyes. They were wet and red and furious. “I need to feel something good . Why can’t you let me have that?”

“I want to. I want to so much, but not like this. Riles—Riley, I don’t want to make the same mistakes as before.”

Riley’s fingers dug harder into his scalp, and he moaned like someone who was bleeding out from an abdominal wound. And then Adam realized what Riley was thinking.

Adam wrapped his arms around him and pulled Riley’s head against his chest. “Riley, no. I don’t mean kissing you is a mistake. I’m so sorry about the things I said in the past, but that’s not what I mean now. I want to do this right . I want to earn it, and I won’t take advantage of you.” Impulsively, he kissed the top of Riley’s head, and then the white knuckles of the fingers that were still digging into his scalp. Riley was shaking against him, possibly sobbing, and Adam realized his own cheeks were wet with tears. “Do you hear me, Riley? It’s not because I don’t want you.”

Adam kissed his hair again and rubbed his back until finally Riley’s fingers relaxed. Slowly, Riley lowered his hands and wrapped them around Adam’s back.

“I’ve got you,” Adam whispered, and kissed Riley’s temple. “It’s okay.” He rested his cheek on the top of Riley’s head and exhaled. For a long while, they held each other, Riley’s face buried in Adam’s shirt. Eventually, the burn in Adam’s thighs from crouching became too much.

“Hey,” Adam said softly. “Come on up here.” He placed a hand on Riley’s elbow, helping him up. When they were both standing, Adam got a good look at Riley’s face. He looked hollow with exhaustion, and messy from crying. Adam imagined he didn’t look much better himself.

Riley sat heavily on the end of the bed and stared at the floor.

“I’m going to get you a facecloth, okay?” Adam said.

Riley didn’t reply, so Adam left. He quickly went to the bathroom and took a facecloth from a small, tidy stack. He splashed warm water on his own face, then wet the cloth. As he was wringing it out, he realized he was trembling. He hated himself for causing Riley so much anguish, for pushing him over the edge like that. He only ever wanted to be the person who guided Riley away from the edge.

When he returned to the bedroom, Riley was lying on his side, his head on a pillow. His eyes were open, but he didn’t seem to notice when Adam was standing in front of him.

“Here,” Adam said, and held out the cloth.

Riley blinked, then took the cloth. “Thanks.” He held it in his clenched hand but didn’t bring it to his face. Adam watched as a wet spot blossomed on the duvet.

“I’ll get you some water?” he suggested. Again, Riley said nothing.

Lucky was pacing the living room when Adam went downstairs. “It’s okay,” he said. “You can go back to sleep. I’ll take care of him.”

When Adam returned to the bedroom with two glasses of water, Riley was in the same position as before. The wet spot was huge now. Adam gently took the cloth away and brought it back to the bathroom. He frowned at his reflection in the mirror above the sink.

“Great job, idiot,” he scolded himself.

He went back to the bedroom and saw that Riley hadn’t moved. Unsure of what to say or do, Adam took a sip of his own water and walked to the window. There was a perfect sliver of moon, high in the sky.

“Are you going to leave?” Riley asked in a hoarse voice.

Adam whipped around. “What?”

“Tomorrow.”

Adam crossed the room and knelt beside the bed so he was eye level with Riley. “Of course not. Unless…do you want me to?”

Riley’s voice was steady, and almost emotionless, when he said, “I don’t know.”

Without thinking about it, Adam began combing Riley’s hair with his fingers. “I want to stay.”

Riley closed his eyes. “I’m so tired.”

“Should I let you sleep?” Adam’s hand had made its way down to Riley’s cheek, and he stroked his soft beard. “Or can I stay with you?”

“Stay,” Riley said on an exhale.

Adam’s heart swelled. “Okay,” he said, as if it wasn’t a big deal.

He didn’t waste time. He crawled on the bed to lie behind Riley. They were both fully clothed and on top of the blankets, but none of that seemed important. Adam carefully wrapped an arm around Riley, spooning up to him, and rubbed his nose against the back of Riley’s neck.

This was—well, no. Adam wasn’t going to pretend it was better than sex, but it was more important than sex. It was what Riley needed. And feeling Riley relax in his embrace, listening to his breathing slow until it turned into soft snoring, was what Adam needed.