Page 42

CHAPTER 42

I GUESS BY LIZZY MCALPINE

Brianne Archer:

I haven’t left my room in two days. Not to do anything except eat downstairs. I haven’t seen Dakota. I have definitely not read the text Parker sent me. I haven’t talked to Kamryn even though she came up here to wave a white flag toward me. She said she’d be around if I wanted to talk but I said no that I was fine. Because the thought of talking about all of it seems too painful. And I don’t need that to get in between her and Bellamy and give him another reason to be mad at me. Because he is. He’s not spoken to me. Bellamy has barely looked at me in the past two days when I’ve passed him or cooked my lunch and dinner next to him. It’s like I don’t exist right now and I want to scream but I don’t. Because if I pretend it’s okay, then it will start to feel that way once again.

Bellamy will trust me again.

There’s a knock on my door and I peel my damp eyes from the TV across my room that I wasn’t even actually focused on. I don’t even know what episode I’m on. I force myself up, crawling out of bed and to the door. I open it, light seeping in through the crack. I see Dakota, his face fresh, his hair clean, his face laced with concern. My heart lurches and instantly I want him to leave.

“Hey B…” he mumbles the words. “Can I come in?” he asks softly.

I open the door despite wanting to tell him to leave. I crawl back into my bed, pulling the covers to my chest. I just look back to my TV knowing there’s no way to even really pretend I’m fine. I’m not, it’s obvious and he knows me well enough that even if I did pretend he would see right through it.

“Talk to me. You’ve been silent for days. I had to find out what happened through him,” he tells me, sitting on the edge of my bed.

“It doesn’t matter. I’ll be fine,” I tell him, hearing my voice for the first time since yesterday.

“It does matter,” he admits.

“No, Dakota, it really doesn’t. Why are you here?” I ask softly.

“I’m here because Kamryn and Parker both told me to check on you because you’ve been MIA for two days and I’m the only one who can make you talk,” he argues.

“Well, I don’t really want to talk. Especially not if you’re going to go gallivanting around and telling everyone how I feel,” I admit, surprising myself with the tone of my voice.

“Baby… I wouldn’t go telling anyone how you feel and you know that.” He looks hurt by my words. Confused and hurt.

“I really don’t want to talk about it because none of it matters. I should never have tried to be with Parker, that was a mistake because Bellamy is the most important and I let my relationship get in the way. He’s just a dumb football player and these feelings will go away soon,” I tell him, once again feeling nauseated by the words. The bile in my throat burns.

“You and I both know that’s not true. Your brother doesn’t get to dictate your happiness and—”

“And it’s not your business Dakota. I get that you have a perfect family and parents and whatever but I don’t have that luxury. All I have is my brother and right now he doesn’t even want me so just… Fuck off. Stop pushing me and stop forcing me to feel the way you would about things. I’m not you and we’re not alike,” I snap, silence filling the room now.

“I said I didn’t want to talk about it. Why can’t you just leave me alone when I ask?” I speak the words softer, regretting everything I had said the second it hit the air.

But there’s no taking it back. And honestly, pushing Dakota away is the easiest way to move on from the pain of all of this. Because I can’t have Parker. I can’t have everything. So I choose my brother. That’s all that matters. Dakota won't ever agree with that.

“Got it, Bri…” He nods and pushes himself up.

I’m left alone again and thankful for the silence. But my chest feels cold. My body feels cold. I feel exposed and raw and completely done with everything. So I turn the TV and sit in the dusky darkness in my room, staring at the wall instead, reveling in the quiet.

* * *

There’s another knock on my door and I hesitate to answer. The last time didn’t end so well for me. I push up anyway, hoping it will be Bellamy, but deep down knowing it won't be. I don’t even know how long it’s been since Dakota left. I open the door and regret it instantly. Parker is standing there in a hoodie and sweatpants. I don’t know what sound leaves my lips. I don’t know why I feel like falling to the floor and why I feel like crying all over again. Instead of doing any of that, I stare at him blankly.

“Can I come in?” he mumbles.

“Bellamy is going to hit you again,” I warn.

“Good, let him,” he grunts the words out, his grumpy attitude shining despite the fact that it usually never shows around me. I don’t open the door and just stare at Parker.

“Bellamy and Lawson aren’t home. Kamryn called me and asked me to come talk to you so here I am, let me in.” He mumbles, not seeming happy that he’s here. I open the door, hating that I’m getting visitors in here like it’s a fucking hospital. I once again crawl back into my bed, not aware at all of how I look, smell, or seem. I stay sitting up this time, pulling my covers over my criss crossed legs.

“What do you want?” I ask him.

“What do I want? Some clarity. Some closure. Something…” he admits.

“You gave me an ultimatum, you broke up with me. There’s nothing to clear up. Bellamy found my stupid rule list, then he called you and you know everything else that happened,” I tell him.

“And you’re okay with that? With all of this. Is this really what you want?”

“I don’t know what I want anymore,” I lie.

“I’m sorry. For giving you an ultimatum. I don’t regret what I said to Bellamy, but I am sorry for putting you in the middle of it. I know I wanted to say that. And I know I want to tell you that I love you, break up or not…” he explains.

“How can you love someone when all they are is a secret?” I ask him and he clenches his jaw.

“Did Bellamy tell you that? Or is that a thought you came to on your own?” he asks.

“It doesn’t matter,” I fight.

“Yeah, it does because everything that comes from your head is usually sound and fucking sane. That? What you just said was not sane or sound and it definitely doesn’t sound like the Brianne I know,” he tries to plead and I shake my head.

“Then I guess you don’t know me,” I speak the words softly, hating myself for saying them.

“Tell me what this is about Brianne… Tell me, talk to me. Please, Sunshine.” I look at him the second he says the nickname and I see for the first time the tears in Parker’s eyes.

My heart shatters. I fight the urge to cry.

“You can’t call me that when you… This is what you wanted, you gave the ultimatum, and you wanted Bellamy to know even though I was absolutely positive this was how it would end. I know I can’t do this. You know we never should have tried, you know we were bound to end up here,” I admit.

“I didn’t know anything about that, no. I knew that I wanted you and I was going to do anything in my power to make that happen,” he fights.

“And I knew that if it came down to it. If I had to choose I would always choose Bellamy. Because he’s all I have left. He’s my family. My home. My best friend. I choose him. He cares about me more than anyone else ever could,” I tell him, the point coming into play.

“And if he really cared the way you’re claiming he did then I can promise you he’d never make you choose between him and anyone else you love. Because whether you want to admit it or not, I know that’s how you feel about me,” he tells me and I clench my jaw.

“What I feel doesn’t matter anymore. Because I can’t lose my brother. I refuse.” I tell Parker, avoiding his eyes altogether.

“Then can you at least do something for yourself? You want to hate me? Fine. You want to pretend we didn’t happen? Fine. Don’t rot in your bedroom. Go out. Live your life. Because if I had to sit there and hear from Dakota that you refuse to leave here. That you ended your friendship with him and that you’ve skipped cheer practice because you’ve been in your bedroom. I won’t stand for it. You’re better than this. And if I know I’m part of the reason you lose your light, I’ll never forgive myself. This wasn’t supposed to be the end result,” he fights.

“Yeah I’m aware it wasn’t but it’s what we have. I don’t need this, please go,” I fight.

“I’m sorry, Bri… That he’s making you choose. That you feel like you have to.”

He stands up and I almost choke on my breath at his words. The second the door clicks closed I pick up my phone and text Kamryn.

Stop sending people to check on me. Stop acting like my sister or my mom. You’re not either. I’m fine. Leave it alone.