Page 41

CHAPTER 41

ILLICIT AFFAIRS BY TAYLOR SWIFT

Brianne Archer:

I walk into my apartment feeling like I was hit by a semi-truck. After Parker and I… Broke up, I guess… I don’t want to call it that, but at the end of the day, that’s what it was. A breakup.

I told Dak, tears definitely brimming my eyes at that point. He quickly rushed me out, and we proceeded to drink at his apartment in his room. I cried, then he made me laugh, then I felt better, but right now I feel worse. I feel alone, and sad, and sick to my damn stomach. I need to text Parker. To try and get him to talk to me in a different setting about all of this. Maybe I’ll tell Bellamy today and then I’ll go talk to Parker after and explain everything and hope he can understand… I look up after I close the door behind me and freeze.

“Bellamy? What’s wrong?” I ask him, setting my bag down before walking over to him and Kamryn. Bellamy looks up and he looks pissed.

I never see Bellamy angry, not a lot until this year it feels like. Most of it has been caused by me…

“What’s this?” he asks, passing me a somewhat crumpled paper.

I take it from him and see my rule list. My heart sinks and drops all the way down. I stare at it, trying to think about what I could possibly say or do. Kamryn has no idea what happened between Parker and me last night. Last I checked, Kam was on my side, but right now she looks insanely guilty as she sits next to my brother.

“Did you tell him?” I ask, turning to Kamryn right away, betrayal seeping through and Bellamy’s head turns to her so quickly.

“You knew?” he asks, and now my heart is gone and stopped beating altogether. Great, I’ve completely incriminated Kamryn too.

“I…” she hesitates.

“It’s not her fault,” I urge.

“I’m aware it’s not her fault, but if she knew that you were sleeping with one of my friends I would expect my girlfriend to tell me,” he snaps at me and my mouth shuts, emotion clogging my throat.

“Bellamy…” Kamryn tries to smooth his tone but he shakes his head.

“No. I don’t break or snap or freak out. I’m always the level-headed one and I’m not doing that right now. I didn’t even know you left last night, I went to your room and this was just there on the floor. So tell me. When? When did this shit happen?”

He holds the list out and I question in my head whether or not I should spill everything or if I should… No, I can't lie to him anymore.

“My birthday, but—”

“Your birthday? What… I mean you… Bri, you’ve been with Dakota this whole time and… You’ve been lying to me? Seriously this long and…” He loses his words and I open my mouth to argue but he doesn’t let me.

“Were you ever really with Dakota?” he asks.

I look between him and Kamryn, chewing on my lip. I know there are tears pooled in my eyes. I know I probably look terrified right now.

“No, I wasn’t, and I tried to tell you. I tried to at the beginning of the semester and you wouldn’t listen to me,” I admit.

“You’ve been lying this entire semester? Not just about him but about… About Parker too? Is that where you were last night? With Parker? I’ve been so fucking stupid. The lessons and this entire semester. God.” He shakes his head and starts pacing.

“Bellamy I—”

“Call him right now,” he urges.

“I can’t. We broke up last night over you, I can’t,” I argue.

“Do it or I’m going to him, your choice,” he snaps.

“Bellamy, she just said they broke up… Specifically because of this. You are being ridiculous.” Kamryn motions to the mess that we are and her voice sounds urgent, like she’s defending me.

“No, I’m not. I don’t care if they broke up, it’s not about that it’s… I think I need to be alone with Brianne right now,” he tells her and my mouth drops.

“It’s fine,” Kamryn cuts my words in half. I close my mouth. “I love you, please call me when this is… When you want to talk,” she tells him firmly, she eyes me and I can tell how sorry she feels. “Text me if you need anything," she mumbles and grabs her things, leaving me alone with Bellamy.

“Call Parker, now,” he urges once Kamryn is gone. I do what he says and Parker picks up right away. I suck in a sharp breath, not able to stop my tears or my emotions.

“What’s wrong? Brianne?” His words are urgent and my heart cannot calm down. “Don’t go shy on me now, Sunshine. Tell me what’s wrong.”

I want to cringe at his words, mostly because they hurt. His instant need to care for me has me ready to fall to the floor.

“It’s…” I look at my brother, the muscles in his jaw feathered as he stares at me with anger and disappointment. “Can you just get here, please,” I mumble.

“I’ll be there in 5,” he tells me and then he hangs up.

“Bellamy I—”

“I really don’t want to talk to you right now,” he mumbles, his voice monotone and low.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, trying not to cry.

Kamryn kept telling me everything would be fine but it feels like it’s all falling apart and I’m going to try and do everything in my power to make sure that it’s not the end of a close relationship with my brother. Honestly my everything, the only part of my immediate family I have left. My chest fills with hot liquid panic once again as we wait for Parker.

“Did everyone know?” he asks me and I let out a shaky breath.

“Yes, they all found out, but they wanted to tell you, I just begged them not to. Don’t be mad at your friends, please,” I beg him.

“You don’t really have any room to tell me how I should feel about this right now Brianne.” He keeps his voice monotone and I stay quiet once again.

I don’t have room to tell him that. He’s right.

“I really can’t believe you right now.” He shakes his head and I’ve never heard this much disappointment in my brother's voice.

Fear. Deep, penetrating fear ignites inside of me and I clench my fists at my sides, feeling my nails break the skin on my palms the harder I squeeze. I need to calm down but the apartment feels so small, my chest feels small, my head feels small. Falling in love with Parker has never felt this hard. Loving him has never felt angry or scared or panicked. And right now all of it feels like pain and fear and panic.

“Is there anything specific I need to know before he gets here?” he asks, actually looking at me right now.

“Bellamy, I really wish you would calm down before you talk to Parker about this. I love him and—”

“How can you love someone when all he’s been is a secret this entire time?” he snaps at me and once again, I let my lips close shut out of shock and realization.

I shut down, and there’s a knock on the door. I start to walk forward, and Bellamy opens the door, pushing in front of me.

“What is this?” Parker asks, looking at my brother with no kindness in his stare.

Parker was warming up to the idea of being close to Bellamy. They were on a level of friendship they hadn’t been on when I first got to SPU, but all of that is gone right now.

“I have questions,” Bellamy mutters and Parker scoffs.

“So you drag me over here to have me explain when you have all the information you need from her. What is it, did you want to embarrass her? Make me come here to make her feel like some little kid who’s in trouble?” Parker instantly gets defensive.

“She is a kid. Parker, she’s a fucking kid,” Bellamy snaps and I open my mouth to argue but stop myself.

The tears come in a wave that can’t be stopped now. They pool over my eyes and I wipe them away quickly as Parker looks at me, wanting so badly to come to my aid from what I can tell.

“She’s not going to defend herself because you’re her brother, but I will. Your sister is not a fucking kid and you’re not going to drag her around like she is one. This is a line that you have no right to cross. Siblings or not, you have no right to treat her like this, not now and not ever,” Parker argues and Bellamy raises his voice.

“She’s my fucking baby sister! I have every right to cross this line, especially with you, someone who I saw as my friend, my fucking brother!” he shouts and Parker rolls his eyes.

“Don’t pull that shit. I wasn’t even close with you until after the fact. And even then I was included because of my status. If I was some minor player on the team or not in a position that needed to be close to you, I never would have been invited or included and we both know that.” Parker snaps. Bellamy looks hurt now like Parker just hit him in the face.

“You slept with my sister and bragged about it to my face. You slept with my sister for what? To prove something to me? To piss me off?” he argues and the offense in my chest hits hard.

“Did you ever think me wanting your sister had nothing to do with you and everything to do with her? You have a force of a fucking human as your sister and you look and talk to her like she’s nothing but—” Parker starts.

“Parker,” I cut him off and he clenches his jaw and his fists.

“If it truly mattered to either of you in the way you’re making it seem then why did it need to be kept from me? You both, both of you lied to my face more times than I can count and you—” Bellamy turns to me now, not softening when he sees my tears. “You promised me. When we talked things out, you promised you would tell me everything. That we would fix what was broken and instead you do this? You wedge something so wrong in between us and expect me to not hate it? You expect me not to be more mad at you than I think I’ve ever been?” He raises his voice and I break.

“Bellamy, you’re the most important person in my life. I’ve never been more afraid to lose someone than you and I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to lose my best friend over some guy.” I speak quickly and the words fall from my lips faster than I can think through them.

“Some guy,” Parker mumbles, and I look at him.

“Parker—”

“No… You made your choice last night Brianne and that’s fine. “ He turns his attention to Bellamy now. “I have nothing left to say except the fact that you aren’t all that you think you are. You’re great at your sport, you're a good boyfriend to Kam but what about her?” Parker snaps, saying something I never expected him to say to my brother.

“Watch it, Parker.” Bellamy’s jaw ticks.

“No, I'm done. Your sister has come to me crying on your account. She has walked away from conversations with you with tears in her eyes. She’s a woman. She’s a dancer, she’s a teacher. She’s not a fucking object and that’s all you’ve treated her like this entire damn year.”

“You say that like you haven’t used her and had sex with her for what? To—”

“You don’t get to do that. You don’t get to diminish this to just sex. You don’t know anything no matter how damn smart you think you are. You want me to be confident, or speak up for myself like you asked, well you’ve got it. You treat your sister like shit and she deserves more than you have ever given her. She deserves to see herself in a better light and you dim that every chance you get, and—”

Before Parker can say anything else Bellamy is on him, his fist connecting to Parker's face. Parker instantly tries to defend himself and I know I need to step in before Bellamy gets hit too. My brother is not a physical person. He uses his words always. But never has he needed to argue over me. Not until now, and it’s bringing out a different side of him that I’ve never once seen.

“Stop!” I scream the words out and step forward quicker than I’ve ever moved.

Parker wipes the blood pooling on his lips that drips from his nose and looks up at Bellamy. Part of me worries that he’s going to hit him back but his eyes look to me and then Bellamy. He just shakes his head and stands straighter.

“Get out,” Bellamy breathes heavily as he looks at Parker.

“I’m not leaving you with—”

“Go Parker. Just go,” I tell him, hardly able to speak over my tears. A look of betrayal washes over Parker’s features and my heart shatters more which I didn’t think was possible. He shakes his head as he turns away from both of us, slamming the door behind him, and shaking the entire apartment.

Bellamy’s hand is red and angry. His dominant, throwing hand, Coach Corbin is going to be livid. Lawson is going to be pissed. Everyone that we know is going to hate this situation. Not only did I potentially ruin my relationship with my brother. I ruined some of his friendships. I messed up his relationship with Kamryn. I feel myself retracting. All the things I had said I would do and say when the time came for Bellamy to find out disappeared. Every conviction I had to defend Parker and me is gone. Bellamy’s words replay in my head.

How can I love Parker if all he was is a secret?

I wipe the tears from my eyes. I yell at myself in my mind. Stop crying, stop acting like this is the worst thing that could have happened considering you’re not the one most affected by this. Bellamy is. Bellamy is losing a friend, and fighting with his others. He’s fighting with me now. He’s hurt too. His good hand is hurt and he has a very important championship soon, one we’re all traveling to Michigan to play and cheer for soon. I’ve messed that up.

I really need to man up. To get over it. He’s right. He’s always right. Bellamy has never led me wrong, and him telling me what he has is… It’s right. It has to be right or else I could lose him. I’m thankful no one is here. Mostly because I don’t need to hear Lawson say he told me so, and I can’t handle the anger Bellamy probably has toward his best friend right now. Bellamy shakes his hand out and I stare at him.

“Can I help you? Please.” I mumble. He clenches his jaw as he paces. He gives me a single nod and I go to our medicine cabinet in the kitchen. He pushes himself onto the counter with his other hand and I take out a clean dish towel and wet it, taking his angry hand, and pressing the cool towel to the harsh skin. Bellamy sucks in a sharp breath and I shake my head. I fight to keep my tears in.

“Kamryn should be the one doing this, she knows how to do it better… To set it so it doesn’t get swollen and…” I let out a shaky breath, realizing once again that I fucked up worse than I had wanted to.

“Well Kamryn isn’t here and I don’t want to talk to her or any of my friends right now,” he admits.

“It isn’t their fault,” I tell him, once again trying to clean his hand.

“It’s everyone’s fault who didn’t step in to protect you from anyone like Parker. He… What he did was disgusting, how he acted was out of character for him.” Bellamy shakes his head. I want to tell Bellamy it wasn’t wrong. Parker is one of the most fiercely protective men I’ve met. He would defend me like his life depended on it.

“I made these choices, they were mine… And I’m sorry,” I tell him.

“Stop apologizing,” he demands and I pause.

“I can’t lose you, Bellamy,” I admit.

“Think about that before you come between me and everyone else I care about. You are first. Always, B. I care about you more than I can explain, but this is… It’s a mess that I shouldn’t have to clean or deal with.” He bites the words out and I feel the tears escaping again.

“I’m sorry. I can’t lose you over anyone. Friends, boyfriends I don’t care.” I’ve chosen him over myself most of the time. Because he’s more important. The most important.

“So, what’s going to happen then? With you and him?” he asks.

I start to clean with alcohol now, the split knuckles clearing with the touch. Bellamy once again sucks in a breath between his teeth. I feel a sting too from his question.

“Nothing. I tried to tell you that… He broke up with me last night because of you because he knew that… It doesn’t matter,” I admit, feeling hollow at the words. I wipe my eyes, and back away from his hand, trying not to completely lose it.

“Bri…” Bellamy softens. For the first time today, he does and I step back fully. My face is completely broken, not able to hide how I feel but I still try with my words.

“It’s fine. You’re right. I just… I need to shower and clear my head,” I admit, speaking through my tears.

“B, come here…” He tries to get me to come back but I sneak away, heading up the stairs in our apartment.

“Have Kamryn wrap that when she gets back and talk to her. Don’t hate her for my mistakes, please… And they were mistakes, he was… I shouldn’t have done any of this,” I admit, the words are burning like acid in my mouth.

No matter how they taste, they're true. They have to be if I want to keep my brother.

“Are we going to really sit down and talk about this?” he asks.

“There’s nothing to talk about. You’re right,” I tell him again and he starts to talk again, but I lock myself in my room, sinking against the door until my butt hits the floor.

I cry then, letting it come out like I had wanted downstairs. This is my safe space to be sad. I can feel that here, but the second I cross the threshold of this room I need to be me. My normal self. I don’t want to think about our next game. Our last game. I don’t want to think about the struggle it’s going to be when I see Bellamy and Parker working together. If I know anything about either of them it’s that this sport and winning this game is far too important to them to let their outside feelings get in the way. That doesn’t mean it won't absolutely suck. But that game is a week away and it’s a problem for then. I won’t borrow that right now. All I’ll do is stay here in this spot and feel everything and anything I want to.