Page 37

CHAPTER 37

I CAN’T LET YOU GO BY LEVI RANSOM

Parker Thompson:

I will never celebrate Thanksgiving with someone else’s family unless I’m going as a boyfriend or husband. This past weekend was exhausting. Terrifying in so many ways, but more importantly, it was infuriating. Being with someone in secret isn’t something I would wish upon anyone. I’ve never been public as it is. I don’t want to scream and shout that I’m dating Brianne. It’s the subtle things. Like touching her hand when we’re standing next to each other, or kissing her temple when she makes me laugh. Hugging her even. To everyone surrounding us, we’re not close, just acquainted. Little does everyone know, Brianne and I are far past acquainted.

I adore that woman.

I took my time decompressing the Monday we got back. I didn’t go to classes. I didn’t talk to my roommates. I didn’t even want my phone to be on. That night I got a call from Bellamy with good news. The best fucking news anyone who’s going into football professionally can hear. He’s nominated for the Heisman award. Which is a no-brainer for Bellamy. He’s the number 1 ranked player in the nation right now. He’s breaking records every game. Bellamy Archer is a force on the field and that’s always something I’ve known since I met him. He takes football seriously in a way that I do. In a way, I don’t see most guys my age doing. Like Lawson, he’s decided pretty recently he didn’t want to stay in the sport after this season with the exception of coaching. He wants to teach. I was shocked, but then again I don’t know him well.

Tonight Coach Corbin and the entire coaching staff are throwing a giant watch party on campus. The only person that was allowed to go with him to the ceremony was the head coach. So Coach Corbin and Bellamy are there right now most likely. I’m getting ready. Normally when the person from your school wins they show a shot of the team celebrating our teammate's win. Bellamy is such a good guy, especially to our teammates that it will be fairly easy to celebrate him if he wins tonight. Brianne is going as well as most of the cheerleaders. Kamryn is definitely going to be there considering she’s practically part of the team being the head of the students that are working with sports medicine on the field this year.

I hope… More than anything I hope and pray that I’m where Bellamy is next year. It’s not usual for anyone but the quarterback to win the award. But with my stats and ranking across the US, especially after the past two games we’ve had… I’m a potential candidate. Three others before me have won the Heisman in my position on the field. I want to be the fourth. I dream of it and I always have.

I pull my suit jacket over my white button-down and adjust it. The button down is loosely unbuttoned at the top which makes me feel less formal and that’s just what I want right now. We’re all supposed to look extra nice, this party was thrown together, but they had a feeling it would happen so the football staff prepared. We were all told formal. My bedroom door opens and I look from the mirror to see the most gorgeous girl in the entire world walk in. My hands freeze on my suit jacket. She’s in a light pink silk dress that falls off of her shoulders but is tight on her arms and her chest. The dress reaches the tops of her thighs and she’s in heels, her body stellar, her makeup incredible, her hair flowing down her back.

“Hi.”

She places her hands atop one another on my shoulder and she leans forward on her tiptoes despite the heels and kisses my cheek. I connect my eyes to the mirror to watch her do it. Her hair is in curled ribbons that reach the middle of her back and as much as I love seeing her hair up in that bun even though she hates it or her cheer ponytail… When she wears her hair down like this I’m a goner. I’m done for. And this color on her is one I’ll never forget. If anyone else wore it I feel like it would be an insult to it. It was made for her.

“I…”

I wanted to say it. The forbidden words. Words that shouldn’t be forbidden but feel like a betrayal if I were to say them before we’re public. I love her. So damn much and when I see her looking this way. When I see her looking most ways, my first instinct is to tell her that I love her which is terrifying. Especially because I’ve never uttered the words to anyone. Ever. I never grew up with anyone to say it to. I never had a moment of peace to feel something so soft and subtle like love. Because it feels like that with her. Love feels like comfort and warmth. It feels rewarding in a way I didn’t know was possible. The only downside is the fear I have that comes with it.

“You like it?” she asks me and turns, thinking I’m lost for words. I’m not lost for words. I know the exact ones I wish I had the courage to say.

“I really really do… Come here.” I turn to her and put my hand on her lower back, pulling her flush against me.

She kisses me in the softest manner and I instantly itch for more of her. I put my mind in check telling myself to not get carried away at the thought of her. If I did we wouldn’t make it tonight.

“You’re breathtaking…” I tell her and she blushes more than she already is. Her blush favorite damn thing about her. I look at the speckles of freckles on her face and smile.

“Can I be your chauffeur?” Xander bursts into the room and my smile instantly disappears as I loosen my grip on her. “Bad timing?”

“Always bad timing when you’re involved. No, you can’t drive us. Go away,” I bark.

“You’re so fucking grumpy. Love me, please,” Xander begs.

“No. Go away.” I reach for my phone on the bed and Bri sighs.

“I love you, Xander,” she tells him and my chest tightens.

She can say it so easily. I know that love is different depending on the person. I know the love she claims she has for Xander wouldn’t be the same love she has for Bellamy or… Or hopefully me. I hope she loves me. But it feels unfathomable that someone could love me the same way I feel like I love her. It’s hard for me to describe it or explain it. Even to myself. But I do know that I’ve never felt so exponentially safe around anyone as I do when I’m with her. And feeling safe. Like I could sleep for years and nothing could get me. Like I’m protected. Like nothing can harm me when she’s holding me… I think that’s… That’s more than I can say for anything else in my life. That feeling claws up my throat. The threat of tears hits me for some damn reason.

“Your girl loves me,” he teases.

“Fuck off,” I mumble, keeping my voice low.

“You only want to take us so you can maybe see Leah, don’t you?” she asks Xander, thankfully distracting him from me.

“Maybe,” He tells us.

“Call her like a normal person. Or give it up, she doesn't like you,” I tell him, grabbing my keys from my desk.

“Let’s go, Sunshine. Come on.” I tap her butt softly, and she and Xander shuffle out of my room in front of me.

“She unblocked me, but she told me to now use her number, either way, that’s progress” he tells me.

“It doesn’t count as progress if she did it to you to get you to shut up…” I tell him and he glares at me.

“Semantics. Anyway, have fun tonight! Don’t kiss or make sex eyes. You guys are really bad with the whole sex eyes thing. Seriously, someone is going to notice.” Xander follows us to the door.

“For the last time tonight. Xander, fuck off,” I tell him and salute him with my middle finger as we pass through the door.

“That’s not going to be the last time tonight! I love you, Pookie!” Xander calls after me and I roll my eyes.

Brianne starts walking down the stairs and I want to lift her up. She doesn’t deserve to have to walk when she looks like that. Especially not down the shitty stairs at my shitty apartment. I fight the urge, knowing she'll call me barbaric or something of the sort. We made it out and she begged me to let her drive tonight. It’s easier to pass off when she drives us places. Most people don’t notice but if they do I’ll say she offered since my car is a piece of shit. It’s not really. But it is far older than hers is. So it equals out as a good excuse. She walks to the driver's side and I follow her, turning her around, pressing her back to the white Jeep.

“What are you doing?” she asks.

“Kiss me now before you can’t…” I tell her and she looks at me. “Please.” I tack on and she nods.

I close the space and the lush feeling of her sends my brain into overdrive. Kissing her is like sharing energy. Like lighting and fire pouring from her and into me. I’m addicted to the feeling. Now more than ever. She breaks our lips and then kisses me a few more times softly. And even if she’s not kissing me, I don’t want to let go of her hips, this material she’s covered in is soft and buttery. I know just how good it’s going to look in a pile on my floor tonight too. I kiss her, one last time and she laughs. I escape and move to my side, climbing into her Jeep, listening as she plays Taylor Swift. From the sounds of it, the first album. I’ve learned the difference in the past few months of being around her. I’d never listened to Taylor Swift before meeting Brianne Archer, but now I know more than I had ever asked for.

I’m happy to know everything about the pop star if it makes my girl happy though.

When we arrive at the banquet hall I get out of the car before it stops moving so I can make it to the other side before Brianne is fully parked. She gets unreasonably mad at me when I do this because it’s unnecessarily dangerous for something so subtle. But I like the subtle things. They feel the most important to me. So I open her door and she glares at me. I don’t help her out of the car knowing that we’re not allowed to touch considering there are football players and cheerleaders alike swarming the building. Though some of the cheer team knows about Brianne and me, they were sworn to secrecy apparently. None of them had an issue with that, but according to her, they urged her to tell her brother. She takes my hand and squeezes it before letting go and walking ahead of me, the heels of hers clicking on the sidewalk. I watch her shiver and could yell at her for not wearing a jacket.

“Before you say anything, the jacket would have—”

“Ruined your outfit?” I ask her, already knowing her answer.

I could say the same thing to her. That she’s going to get herself sick over something as silly and non-important as that. She would argue that looking your best makes you feel your best. I like knowing her like that. Like she’s a part of me in a way… I like feeling like there are no surprises but still finding them and being all the more happy to learn something new about her.

“You’re stubborn,” I mumble behind her as we near other people at the front of the building.

“And you’re no better than I am.”

She looks over her shoulder with a grin and I smirk to myself as I follow her. Her legs… Her skin, her fucking hair. I want to thread my hands through it. To wrap it around my wrist and…. I stop the thought. I need to be tame. And it’s so damn hard with her. We walk in and she’s swept away. The life of the party as always, even if she’s faking it. But right now she’s not. I can see her smile and I know it’s real. Like gold and sunshine. I smile at the image of her and am nudged.

“Who are you smiling at?” Lawson asks me and I shrug.

“I wasn’t smiling,” I tell him.

“Yes, you were,” he urges and I shake my head.

“Was not,” I fight back.

“Were fucking too! Is your secret girlfriend here? Parker, is she a cheerleader… oh my god is…”

He stops, looking across the way. Lawson freezes, his eyes hitting the group I was looking at. I clench my jaw, liquid-hot panic seeping through my entire body.

“Don’t,” I tell him.

“I’m not going to because that would insinuate that you’re secret fucking girlfriend is the only available option over there. Which is Bellamy’s fucking sister…” He turns to me. I’ve seen Lawson angry before and the last thing I want is that anger directed toward me.

“Lawson, don’t put yourself where you don’t belong. Don’t make a fucking issue out of something that’s going to be resolved without your help,” I tell him.

Kamryn and Sienna approach, tension far too high for anyone not to notice. Then to my fucking dismay… Brianne approaches too as she hangs off of her best friend who to them is her boyfriend. I stare at Lawson, waiting for him to make a move and he clenches his jaw.

“What’s going on?” Brianne asks, her eyes looking panicked as she looks back and forth.

“I don’t know, why don’t you tell me?” He looks at her then back to me and her face turns tomato red.

“I don’t know… I mean I have no idea what you’re—”

“Don’t bullshit me, Bri.” He snaps and I step directly in front of her.

“Don’t be a dick to her, Lawson. Back up.” Kamryn puts her hand on his chest and Sienna stands by her best friend, not her boyfriend.

“Why don’t you seem at all surprised by this? She’s with your boyfriend's best friend and—”

“Actually, no one has confirmed anything,” I clarify.

“I don’t need your confirmation you sick—”

“Wow! You need to calm down. Now, Lawson.” Sienna steps in now and she shakes her head.

“What exactly makes it sick? What makes it wrong?” Kamryn defends and this was the last thing I expected.

“The fact that she’s like our little sister? That’s reason enough. She’s a kid,” he tells us.

“Exactly. Our. Mine, yours, Sienna, and Bellamy’s little sister. Parker didn’t come into this until far after all of us. His eyes don’t see her the way you might. You watched her grow up, it’s different. And she’s not a kid. She’s an adult. Just like him,” Kamryn defends.

“Once again, why are you defending this? Did you know?” he asks and she scoffs.

“Unfortunately, most people with eyes could pick up on the fact that there was something going on. It took you long enough and has taken Bell even longer. I stayed out of it because it’s not my business and it’s definitely not yours,” Kamryn tells him.

“And what about you? You’re fine with your girlfriend—”

“He’s not my boyfriend. Never has been,” Bri tells Lawson, letting go of Dakota.

“What do you mean?” Lawson shakes his head.

“I’m not into Brianne like that. She’s my best friend but it seemed like an easy way for her to… For her to be happy,” he admits and smiles at her.

“Bellamy is going to—”

“Nothing. He’s not going to hear about this because no one has said anything,” Kamryn tells Lawson with that scary voice she gets.

“That’s not fair to him. He deserves to know,” Lawson defends and Brianne shrinks minute by minute. I shake my head.

“No one deserves anything from her actually. It’s not his relationship. It’s hers. She doesn’t owe him a single thing. Every part of her she has given to her brother and her friends and even me has been by her own sheer will and kindness. We plan to tell him. We wanted to wait until… Until after the holidays so Bri could enjoy them with her brother and her family. We have a plan,” I defend her, still partially standing in front of her.

“This is going to come between him and all of us now that we know. Did you think about any of that before—”

“Stop talking to her like she’s a child. You aren’t her dad. You’re not even her brother,” I tell Lawson and he scoffs.

“I’m supposed to protect her. And that’s exactly what I’m doing, you’re preying on—”

“You’re overstepping. On a level that’s going to get one of us kicked off of the team if you don’t shut your mouth, Lawson,” I inform him and he clenches his jaw.

“You are overstepping. Acting like Brianne didn’t choose this. Or acting like she doesn’t have a right to and that’s unfair. And If they say they’re going to tell Bellamy they deserve that chance. If you don’t tell him by the new year then Lawson will. Does that sound fair?” Sienna asks and I clench my jaw.

“That’s fair because we’re going to tell him. And it’s not about us tonight it’s all about him. So none of this needs to be discussed further. And Lawson. I love you, just like a brother but Parker is right. You’re not my brother. And you don’t have any right to make me feel like I don’t deserve to make my own choices. Everything with Parker has been my choice and you can't take that away. It’s out of character for you to ever even try,” she tells him and I watch his features soften.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes. “I am sorry, I just… Don’t know how to look at you like anything but my baby sister,” he admits.

“Try harder,” she tells him and presses a smile to her lips.

She turns away from all of us and the tension slowly seeps out of me as Lawson turns away, shaking his head with Sienna in tow. I want to go after her, but I watch as Dakota takes care of her, ushering her away from everyone as well. If anyone beside me has got her, I know it’s him.

“When did it start?” Kamryn asks me and I tense once more, forgetting she was even there.

I look over at her. She’s in all black, a color I normally see her in. Her hair is sleek black as well and all of her is dark. She’s tiny beside me, shorter than Brianne even when she wears heels. I shake my head at the question she asks and look away from her.

“Do you really want to know the details considering you’re already incriminating yourself by walking into that conversation we just had,” I tell her.

“Parker… You said you were going to tell him. I’m trusting that you will and you were right. If anything you were right, Brianne belongs to herself. She owes no one any answers or explanations to anything. I love Bellamy. God do I love that man, but he’s protective over his sister to a fault. Even when he doesn’t need to be. If you say you’re going to tell him, I believe you. If you don’t then we all know what’s going to happen. Me understanding the relationship that’s happening here is the easiest way for me to be a buffer if Bell flips his shit over this,” she tells me.

“He’s going to freak the fuck out,” I tell her.

“He’s going to be fine.” She shrugs.

“I have more doubts than you could probably understand,” I tell her.

“Do you love her?” she asks me and I clench my jaw.

“I’m not answering that question,” I mumble.

“You don’t answer any of them. Sienna told me she caught you guys in the bathroom at Griffin's going away party. Was that before or after you guys started talking?” she asks.

“Way before there were ever any intentions of even speaking to each other. Honestly Kam, things just… aligned. Yeah, of course, I thought she was gorgeous. Of course, I had eyes on her but…It’s like we were pushed together in a weird way. And I’m not taking that for granted. But Brianne is right. Tonight isn’t about me or her. It’s about Bellamy and the fact that he’s going to win his first award in his professional career,” I tell her and she smiles.

“You’re right. She’s right… Maybe you should go check on her.” She nudges my shoulder and starts to walk away. “Everything is going to be okay, Parks. I promise you.” She looks over her shoulder.

“I’ll hold you to that,” I mumble and head off, looking for Brianne and Dakota.

I need to play this off as cool because it really is. We planned to tell Bellamy after the holidays. No this wasn’t in the plan, but that doesn’t mean anything. We’re fine. I turn a hall, looking for the bathroom. As I head to them I turn my head down another hallway and see both of them standing there together. Dakota has his hands on her shoulders and she’s crying. I curse under my breath and head her way.

“If you’re going to upset her more, go away.” Dakota steps forward.

“Since when have I ever been one to make her upset? Move,” I tell him and she snaps.

“Hey! You two stop fighting over me, this isn’t even the first time.” Brianne glares between the two of us and then leans back against the wall.

“Look, you upset her more,” Dakota chimes and I clench my fists trying not to react.

“I am so sorry I upset her more, I will fix it if you walk away and let me. Please.” I keep my tone cool and he rolls his eyes.

“I made your caveman angry,” he chimes.

“I have never wanted to punch you, but right now you’re inciting that type of rage inside of me,” I tell him.

He gives me a sarcastic smile and turns his attention back to Brianne. “I love you, find me after you finish with…” He sighs and walks away from us and I roll my eyes.

“Your best friend is the bane of my existence on occasion,” I tell her and she chuckles but still has tears in her eyes.

“I’m sure he’d say the same about you.” She smiles and I take her face in my hands and shake my head.

“No more crying. Everything is okay. Kamryn is like your own personal guard dog,” I joke.

“This is serious. And unfortunately so infuriating. I hate being called a kid and being pictured as some baby, or incapable or silly and frivolous and…” She shakes her head.

“Don’t do that. Say what you really mean,” I tell her, knowing her habit of rambling on without getting her point across.

“I mean that if I was Bellamy’s little brother. If I wasn’t me then I wouldn’t be seen as incapable of making my own choices. No matter how big or small they were. I wouldn’t be told what to wear or act like or speak. I’ve never been able to put it into words until now, but that’s what it feels like to me. Like my worth is dependent upon what parts I have which is so fucking shitty,” she explains and I nod.

“I’m sorry… That he talked to you that way. You have an army of people sticking up for you, Sunshine,” I tell her, tucking her hair behind her ears so I can hold her face and feel her skin.

“How did he even find out? What the hell just happened?” she asks and I nod slowly, trying to figure out how to tell her that Xander was right,

“So remember what Alexander said about the sex eyes thing?” I ask her and she smacks my shoulder.

“Parker! You were not staring at me with sex eyes! Were you?” She shouts and I shake my head.

“They were more like ‘I love you’ eyes…” I tell her, saying it before I can fully think it through. Before I’m even positive I should and she pauses, hesitating. I stand there with I’m sure red cheeks and a shocked look.

“I didn’t mean to say that out loud,” I admit.

“I…” She hesitates and looks… Scared and shocked just as I am.

“You don’t have to say anything.” I shake my head, for the first time feeling embarrassed for anything I feel for her.

I haven’t felt this feeling since she ran out on me the first night we were together. The fear that something won't be reciprocated and I’m going to look stupid. But right now that fear is intense and poking through every part of me.

“But it’s true?” she asks softly.

“That I’m in love with you?” I ask and she nods. “Yes, it’s true. And that’s how I was looking at you I would assume… But you were standing with Dakota and Leah, so when Lawson looked over he put two and two together and jumped to five, skipping four altogether,” I explain and she leans forward, and brushes her lips against mine.

I don’t understand why, what her reasoning or purpose is, but I kiss her. There doesn’t have to be a reason to kiss her back, I’ll do it no matter the situation.

“You love me?” she asks and I scoff.

“Why are you saying it like it’s the biggest shock in the world? You say you love people all the time,” I tell her.

“But you don’t…” she admits and now my embarrassment skyrockets out of this building and high above the earth.

“I… I’m sorry? I don’t know what I’m supposed to say here. You don’t have to say anything in response, we can just leave it at that. This isn’t how I planned to tell you or—”

“I love you… I’m sorry I should’ve just responded with that. God, I talk too much.” She covers her face and I shake my head.

“Say that again?” I ask.

“I talk too much?” she asks and I sigh, taking her wrists and moving her hands away from her face.

“The former please…” I add.

“I love you,” she responds and I smile, feeling the hottest fire I’ve ever felt burn inside of me.

It feels like something is tearing through me right now with how hard my heart is beating. This doesn’t feel tender and soft like everything else has with her. Feelings wise with the exception of sex I have felt more than simple with her. But right now I feel more than simple. I feel like I’m on top of the damn world.

I don’t know who kisses who. I don’t know who moves to what person or when we pressed ourselves deeper into this hallway but I’m lost in her. Kisses, nipping, breathing her in. I pull back and she puts her hands on my chest. I feel like I’m 16 kissing a girl at a school dance.

“I love you,” I say again and she kisses me softly, quickly.

“I love you, Parker,” she tells me. “And I’m mad at you because I told myself I wasn’t going to say it until we told my brother.”

“I told myself the same thing and that didn’t work out,” I tell her, my forehead pressed to hers.

“I can’t stay at your place tonight,” she says with regret in her tone. I break myself from her and kiss her cheek.

“Have a fun night okay? Celebrate. This is a big deal, don’t worry about coming and being with me… Now or later. I’m just going to fold back so I can avoid Lawson okay?” I ask her and she nods.

“Meet me in my car when everything ends,” she tells me.

She kisses my cheek and then she vacates the hallway. I wait, staggering my exit so it doesn’t look suspicious. I look around the room for her first when I’m in the banquet area. I see her pink dress next to her friends and I’m satisfied with that, walking away from her and toward the refreshments in the room. Some water and some air and space would be wonderful but I can’t afford the air and space with the broadcast of the awards happening live on a big screen right now. I take my drink and I become a wallflower once again, wishing I could stand with Brianne as the award show commences and they go through the nominees.

Bellamy Archer. They go through his stats from the past year. He is dressed in a midnight blue suit, and he looks beyond happy to be there. I watch as they make it through, and then everything goes quiet.

“This year's Heisman Trophy goes to… Bellamy Archer from Seattle Pike University,” he announces and our entire banquet hall is in shambles.

Screaming, cheering, chanting for their quarterback. I smirk to myself and almost tell myself to wipe the look from my face but I don’t. As much as I would have denied being close with Bellamy this past summer or the beginning of the semester. We have grown closer. We are friends… and I’m insanely proud of him because this award is something hardly anyone gets the excitement to achieve. He’s just that damn good. And that’s something to be celebrated. I whistle out for him when the coaching staff videos us celebrating to send as a live update for the award ceremony.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that Bellamy has his future set in the sport. Especially now that he’s a Heisman winner. Things like this make the little issues so small. Because in the grand scheme of all of this, how big of a deal is it really that I’m dating his baby sister when he’s an award-winning, successful football player? There are more important things in life than who’s dating who and so on and so forth. Next year hopefully it will be me they’re throwing this party for. Hopefully, it will be me who will get the chance to walk up there and accept that award. Bellamy thanks his family, namely his sister. Then he thanks Kamryn. That rush hits again. Will I get to thank Brianne? Will my future be similar to his? Or will I somehow manage to mess it all up within the next month by telling Bellamy everything…