Page 19

CHAPTER 19

WHEN BY DODIE

Brianne Archer:

This week is a bye week which means we don’t have a game on Saturday. I’m happy to have one Friday off. I’m happy to spend it with Dakota and Valerie. We’re having a movie night. It’s currently Wednesday, and though I agreed to go on a date with Parker this past Sunday, I haven’t texted him since I told him I was home safe that night. I’m not going to reach out. I’m still bouncing off the wall nervous over this entire situation, knowing that he’s actually interested in me. Also, knowing he doesn’t care that I’m Bellamy’s sister makes my head fog up.

I’m still swimming in my thoughts wondering if this is even a good idea. I’m about to start my Wednesday therapy session with Madeline, my therapist. She’s been my therapist since last year and I like her alright. She’s really good at listening to me but I’m scared to bring up Parker to her considering I never mentioned him in the first place. I never told her what we did on my birthday. I never mentioned anything having to do with my Parker sized fuck up. Do I really have anything to mention if Parker hasn’t even planned our date? No, right? Because it probably won't happen… or it will and I’m being eager and crazy. My phone dings. Speak of the freaking devil…

Parker: Saturday. Give me 24 hours…That’s all I need.

Me: 24 hours to sweep me off of my feet? You sure you can accomplish that, P?

Parker: I think you should have a little faith in me, Sunshine.

My stomach bottoms out. Saturday… Saturday, Saturday, Saturday. No. Yes? No… I click my phone screen off and a call comes in on my laptop. I answer the call from my therapist and see her bright face on the other end once the video call connects. I turn my microphone on and I hear her start speaking.

“Hi Bri, how are you doing this week?” she asks me and I nod.

“I’m good. Great, some might say. Doing absolutely wonderful,” I lie through my teeth.

Well, not fully. I’m having a fine week but a confusing one. I haven’t been around Parker. I’ve avoided him whenever Bellamy has had him over. I ignored him while we were on the field for cheer practice. Even if it’s bye week we practice. Parker was there with his teammates even though they weren’t required to be. I obviously didn’t text him so…

“Yeah, what’s that about?” she laughs.

She’s probably in her mid-thirties. I relate a lot to Madeline even if she is a lot older than I am. She’s easy to talk to, of course, but it’s hard to come out with it when I’ve completely danced around the Parker situation these past three weeks.

“So, I might have purposely not mentioned something that happened around a month ago… with a guy,” I tell her.

“Okay. Are you ready to talk about it? Or him…” she asks and I nod. “What’s his name?”

“Parker Thompson… He’s… Well, he asked me on a date, then I agreed but we never made it on that date because he came to my birthday party and we both… We… I mean, I slept with… with him,” I tell her and my cheeks heat up.

It’s the first time I’ve admitted it out loud to someone that isn’t Dakota.

“Sex isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s alright if you’re having casual sex, Bri. Is that what this is about?” she asks.

“No. I mean yes, but no. I’ve had casual sex before and it was never a problem. It was never deciphered what the sex was or what it meant, though… and the next morning, I ignored him and left his house. I didn’t want to talk to him,” I admit to her.

“Did he do something that set you off? Or something that bothered you?” she asks.

“He was perfect. As perfect as a guy could be honestly. Even took me home after I tried to leave his place… The problem is, Parker is a football player. He’s on the same team as my brother,” I tell her and she nods slowly.

“Are Bellamy and Parker friends? Outside of football?” she asks and I sigh.

“Yeah…” I cringe but still look at Madeline.

She’s got sleek red hair cut into a perfect bob. Her glasses are animated and perched on her dainty nose.

“So, what’s happened since then? Since you left that day?” she asks me.

“Well, I agreed to help out in teaching dance for one of our athletic players not knowing it was him. So I’ve been seeing him but not talking to him on purpose because of a misunderstanding. I thought he was hooking up with me purposefully. Like he… he lied to me which wasn’t true. But the other day, he flirted with me and I was so confused. Dakota convinced me to talk to him. I guess for the few weeks that I didn’t talk to him, I assumed that he had gotten what he wanted. We had sex, we enjoyed it, we moved on… but then he was flirting with me and I almost got hurt at a game by him. He came to check on me… So, I went to his house in search of clarity,” I explain and she nods.

“Good. I’m glad you went over there. Did you get the clarity you were searching for?” she asks and I sigh.

“No. I mean, yes. I got the clarity on why he was flirting with me and then it just made it all that much worse. He still wanted to take me on a date… He had never come to my birthday party to sleep with me, right? He just came because I invited him and he was trying to make a good impression. And he’s really sweet even though outwardly he’s very quiet and lowkey grumpy too. But all around, he’s nice to me and he’s just… I don’t know… unique in a way,” I tell her and watch her smile.

“Aw. Well, I’m happy for you, Bri. I am. I think it’s good that you’re giving someone a chance. It’s been a little while for you and getting into something in college is always a whirlwind. I remember my first college boyfriend,” she tells me. I furrow my brows.

“But shouldn’t I be the one putting my foot down over this? He’s my brother's friend,” I explain.

“I don’t see a reason why you should if I’m fully honest with you, Brianne,” she admits. “How do you feel about going out with one of your brother's friends?” she emphasizes.

“I don’t know. I feel good about Parker and everything except the fact that he’s Bellamy’s friend. Part of me is hoping the date goes horribly so I can just shut this down and never think about it again. But the other side of me…” I trail off.

“Hopes he sweeps you off your feet?” she asks and I nod. “Well, how does Parker feel… about your brother, I mean?” she asks.

“When I mentioned it, he asked me why I had to be Bellamy’s sister and why I couldn’t just be Brianne to him. He doesn’t mind it at all,” I tell her and she gives an innocent shrug.

“I could ask the same question as him… As women, it’s easy to want to define ourselves by those older, bigger, or over us in a way. Or by men. Though Bellamy is someone you love, you have had a habit of defining yourself by him. Correct me if I’m wrong, but from what I’ve seen and heard from you, Bellamy has let you do that for all these years. He’s your brother, not your definition. You can just be Brianne. That’s alright,” she explains and I nod.

“I feel like I’m betraying my brother for going out with one of his friends,” I admit.

“How long have you two known Parker?” she asks.

“Parker is a year younger than Bellamy. They didn’t start being friends until recently,” I admit.

“If it’s going to tear you up, I don’t suggest going. You should not have guilt for having feelings toward someone in your life, regardless of who they are to someone else. I know that’s something we’ve been working on… So, if you can nudge yourself past feeling guilty over someone else’s potential feelings, I don't see anything wrong with going out with Parker. It’s like I told you. I remember the first college guy I talked to. He was just that, a college guy, not the man I married. This isn’t forever, it’s for now,” she tells me.

“I just don’t want this to be an issue. Later on,” I explain.

“Don’t borrow tomorrow’s problems. It could be the worst date you’ve been on. It could be spectacular. You get to decide what happens after that, no one else. I think it’s worth a try… Give yourself an experience, a chance to be Bri, not Bellamy’s sister…” Madeline offers.

“This would be easier if I had a mom to talk to…” I admit, looking down at my hands.

“What do you think she would tell you? Remember her voice, remember her face and her touch, and close your eyes.”

I do what she says and start to imagine my mom. I see her dusty brown hair and perfect smile. My mom had the same dimples that both Bellamy and I have. Her curly hair was my favorite part about her. I can almost smell the lavender lotion on her skin and the sweet perfume she would wear as I imagine her. What would she say to me… She would probably tell me she always imagined me with a football player… Just like my dad. She’d tell me to do what could make me the happiest and if I don’t go for it, there’s always going to be a what if. She never lived with a what if… Never.

She’d tell me all about her and my dad—how he was the star football player in high school and college. She cheered on the sidelines. They swept each other off of their feet and didn’t stop loving each other until they… until they passed. She wanted that for me. I was young so we never talked about it, but she did. I know she did.

“She’d tell me to go for it…” I admit.

“Go for it, Brianne. Go for what gives you a shot at happiness,” she tells me. “Everyone deserves a little bit of sunshine,” she tells me and I nod.

I wipe away tears at the thought of my mom. She was full of dreams. Smiles, laughs, and hugs. She was human sunshine and she’s all I’ve ever wanted to be.

“How’s dance going?” she asks me, changing the subject so I don’t have to.

I smile and jump into it. I jump into the harsh nature of the ballet classes but how much I love them. From here on out, it’s as easy as pie to talk about what I love. It’s easy to talk about the things I love, even if they are a struggle right now. What’s hardest for me is the want and need to talk to my mom but not being able to. My chest aches as I talk to Madeline, my heart lurching. I don’t tell her, though. I don’t even mention the pain.

* * *

Parker Thompson:

I sit in the living room of my apartment, with my head in my hand as I watch Xander lose once again at Call of Duty. He kind of sucks at this game, but I’m not going to tell him that. It might result in a controller to my head. I’m normally one to ignore him and my other roommates and head into my bedroom when I get back from weight training. But after I showered I… I didn’t feel like being alone. So I sat on the couch, both Xander and Nico gave me a puzzled look then went back to their game, pretending this was normal. I’m thankful they did too because if they had made even a single snide remark or comment, I would have most likely parked myself in my bedroom and not left until morning. My phone vibrates on the table in front of us. I lean forward and snatch it, sliding to answer Bellamy’s call.

“Hey,” I mumble.

“Have you seen Brianne?” he asks and I hesitate.

“Um. W-when? I mean, no, I haven’t. But… What happened?” I ask, wondering why he’s asking. “Why would I have seen her?” I tack on. Shit, did he find out already?

“I don’t know. I just… She’s not answering me or Lawson and her location isn’t on. I’m just worried. Do you have Dakota’s phone number? Or do you know how I can find it?” he asks and I’ve never heard him so panicked.

“Calm down, Bellamy. Take a second and calm down because panicking is only going to make the situation worse for you and everyone else, okay? That’s step one,” I tell him.

Xander and Nico have now tuned into my conversation.

“She’s never done this. I mean she wouldn’t just disappear and not let me know what’s going on or where she is. She was home all day after her classes. I said bye to her before I went to weight training and when I got home, she was gone,” he tells me.

“Um… Did she have plans? Did she tell you that?” I ask.

“No. No, she had therapy tonight like she does every Wednesday. Lawson—” he starts mumbling to Lawson on the other end of the line and I sit up, my chest warming up with anxiety.

“Bellamy, do you need me to look for her?” I ask him, he snaps back into our conversation.

“We’re going to look for her. If you have any ideas or know how to get in contact

with Dakota, that would be really helpful,” he tells me.

“I can help… or try to. Can you send me Leah’s number?” I ask.

“Yeah, sure, and thanks, Parky. My ringer is on. Call if you figure anything out,” he tells me and hangs up.

I immediately try to call Brianne on my phone despite knowing she probably won't answer. As I assumed, it goes straight to her voicemail and I sigh. Do not panic until there’s reason to panic Parker.

“What’s going on?” Xander pauses his game and Nico turns to me. I text Leah, asking her for Dakota’s phone number.

“Bellamy just called me freaking out. He can’t find Brianne and hasn’t heard from her in hours,” I tell them.

“Why would he assume you know where she is?” Nico asks.

“I don’t know. I think he’s grasping for straws and doesn’t know what to do. He asked me for help,” I tell them.

“Well, has she told you where she is? Or at least where she was going?” Xander asks and I shake my head.

“No. I texted her earlier and she seemed fine. We haven’t talked since,” I admit.

Leah sends me a contact for Dakota and I click it and call right away.

“Hello?” Dakota answers almost immediately.

“Dakota, it’s Parker,” I tell him and he laughs to himself.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” he jokes. I roll my eyes.

“Have you talked to Brianne? Or been with her today?” I ask him.

“I’ve been home all night working on a paper. Last text she sent was that she was about to start her therapy session. Why?” he asks me.

“Her brother called me and he can't find her anywhere. He says she isn’t answering him. I called and it went straight to voicemail. He also said he can’t see her location on his phone anymore. I was just wondering if you’ve got any idea where she could be?” I ask him.

“Damn. No, I have no idea. Do you need help? I can try to go and find her or… I don’t know. Let me call Valerie…” he tells me.

“Text me if you figure anything out. I’m gonna go look around campus,” I tell him.

“Likewise,” he chimes back and hangs up. I sigh and put my phone down.

Think… Where would Brianne be?

“What did he say? Do you think something’s wrong?” Xander asks and I stand up.

Probably. Something is most likely wrong with Brianne. She was in therapy, that’s what Bellamy and Dakota had said. So what would she do… where would she go to work something out if she was struggling or dealing with something? The exact place she told me she goes when she feels wrong or out of place. Our first dance lesson she told me that. She goes to the one place it feels right.

“Can you take me somewhere? Or can I borrow your car?” I ask him and he rolls his eyes. “Come on, Xander. I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important. I think I know where she might be and if she’s not there, then this could be bad. What if she’s in trouble?” I ask him.

“Calm down. I just can’t wait until your car is ready to be picked up…” he glares at me as he reaches for his keys. He tosses them my way. “Not even a scratch, Parks,” he mumbles to me.

“Whatever,” I mumble, shoving my feet into my slides, and throwing a jacket over my hoodie.

“Text us if you need something,” Nico calls out.

“I will,” I mumble, leaving without another word.

Where the hell else would she be if not at the dance studio? Dance is her football. It’s her relief. Her escape. I wonder what’s going through her head, what made her want to just disappear like this. That’s all I can tell myself—that she wanted to disappear for a few hours. That she’s okay, just escaping from life. I jump into the car and head toward the athletic education building. I have plenty of classes here so I know the way like the back of my hand. I try my best to drive carefully for the sake of Xander’s car but not my own sanity. What the hell was she thinking? Scaring the shit out of everyone like this? She probably wasn’t.

I pull up and barely even get the car parked and turned off before I jump out of it, rushing into the building. The only light is illuminating from the street lamps lining the building and sidewalk. There’s no one in this building right now, no one except Brianne, hopefully. I scan my student card, gaining access to the academic building. I briskly walk down the empty, dimly lit hallway. I definitely could have looked in the student parking for her car but I’m already inside now.

I approach the main dance studio that we meet in each week. My eyes land on Brianne and I am flooded with relief. She’s got her phone plugged into the stereo system and I start to push the door open but stop when she sets her phone down and moves to the center of the room. The music starts—a soft piano and a soft voice. A vulnerable voice. I don’t move an inch, glad that she hasn’t heard me.

I listen to the lyrics, my heart sinking at the thought of her relating to them. By the way she moves to the song—the way she’s so dainty and purposeful like she’s floating on air while she moves but at the same time so urgent and intentional—I know she means every move she makes. I know she feels every word the singer is saying just by the intensity of the way she’s dancing. I’m frozen watching her, listening to the lyrics. My heart lurches. I’ve seen her dance in increments. Not long periods or for an entire song like this.

There’s a build in the song, strings. An entire orchestra… Her body moves with the music like she’s made of notes, songs, and melodies. I’m not a dancer. The past few weeks are proof of that. I’m used to impact, sweat, and screaming. Pummeling and dirt. I’m not used to the delicacy of this, even with the practice I’ve had in the past month. I still can’t imitate the intricacy she possesses, the intimacy, the stillness, the quiet that is so loud it’s deafening. I have never seen someone so entranced in themselves and what they are doing to the point that Brianne is doing right now. Every inch of her is buzzing with rhythm. I haven’t seen her dance like this, but I could watch this. I could watch her for hours.

She’s wearing leggings and a tight white shirt that clings to her skin. As she dances, as she bends and breaks to the music, I can imagine her in a flowing dress. I can imagine her with hair and makeup done. I can visualize candles surrounding her, their flames dancing with each breath of wind that her movements make. I bite my tongue, not wanting to even breathe wrong. I don’t want her to stop. The singer in the song sounds ethereal as she goes up and down the scale. Brianne’s facial expressions match the haunted yet melodic sound that comes from the loudspeaker. I can see her hurt. I can see her pain. I can understand it from the lyrics she just danced to.

I can feel the struggle she’s feeling. It’s one I’ve felt. It’s one I’ve dealt with myself, the feeling of wondering when life will feel fulfilling. Wondering why I’m always wishing for something else, something different than what I’ve got. Wondering when I’ll feel… normal. The fact that life is passing me by, that I’m young but not young enough. I fight the urge to relive those feelings. I fight everything in my head that tells me to let her be… but when the song ends, the only sound is her heavy breathing and the dim light reflects the tears in her eyes. She’s on her knees at first and then she folds, sitting on the ground looking as though she might break at any second. I open the door the rest of the way and clear my throat. I don’t want her to be alone, even if it’s initially what she had wanted. She looks at me in the mirror, not turning to see me.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, her voice a whisper of her normal self.

“Looking for you,” I admit.

I remove my slides, her words playing in my head about not wearing my shoes in here. My socks are slick so I move slowly so I don’t fall. She watches me carefully and wipes under her eyes. She’s not wearing any makeup and her hair is braided back, away from her face with the exception of a few strands that have escaped.

“You scared some people… Your phone is going straight to voicemail,” I tell her and she nods.

“I put it on airplane mode, I didn’t want to be bothered,” she admits.

“I understand,” I sit on the floor with her, pulling my legs up to my chest. “I can go in a minute… but I do need to know what to tell your brother because I think he might go to the police in about five minutes if he doesn’t figure out where you went.”

I try to crack a smile but she rolls her eyes.

“He’s so overprotective…” she mumbles.

“He loves you. That’s all,” I tell her, a pang in my chest at the thought of someone caring that much.

“I know that…” she whispers, pulling her own knees up to her chest, hugging them to her small body. “Did you… Did you see all of that?” I nod to her question.

“I got here right before you started and I couldn’t interrupt, I… I’ve never seen someone dance like you… Like that,” I admit. “That didn’t look like ballet. I mean, I recognized some of the movements you did but it looked so… so natural,” I tell her.

She smiles at the floor, only lightly, barely there at all.

“It was improv. No routine just… just feelings. It’s contemporary-lyrical if you need a name for it… But it was just… emotions, really,” she explains and I nod.

“And the song? Why that song?” I ask.

“Because it felt… It felt personal,” she admits.

She’s looking away from me, not meeting my eyes. I hate the thought of it being personal but I do relate to the lyrics as well. Past me would have related more, but it still hits somewhere deep in my chest. I find the little kid inside my head. He’s still there, not doing anything, not acting on his instincts but he’s there, waving back at me. He’s that part of me that relates but this isn’t about me right now.

“What do you need me to do right now?” I ask her.

“Pretend you never saw any of that?” she asks, looking at me with tears in her sea-blue eyes.

“I don’t think I could forget it if I tried, Brianne…” I admit. “Could you tell me what happened? Only if you want to… Or I can go, you can talk to Bellamy or Dakota…” I tell her.

I served my purpose. I found her. She’s physically okay. I can go.

“I… I had a therapy session today and it was a hard one. And normally when I finish with Madeline, my therapist, I just want to lay in bed. But today I… I just needed to get it out. To get the feelings in my chest out because it felt so heavy.”

“Like it could crush you…” I finish for her and she nods.

“Just like that. I turned my location off because I knew Bellamy would try to find me and I put my phone on airplane mode like I said…” she admits.

“Why not go to Dakota or Bellamy?” I ask her.

“Because it’s no one’s job to make me feel better but my own. No one normally makes me feel better than music does. When I don’t know if other people can relate to me in my own life I know that there are lyrics and melodies that will relate to exactly what I’m feeling. Hence the song choice. Hence the… the dance. The way I felt,” she motions to the floor around her.

“Do you feel better?” I ask.

“Not really… but I will. I will feel better. You shouldn’t have to see this either. I’m—”

I quiet her.

“What did the song call it? The sunshine disguise?” I ask her and she hesitates but then she nods. “I never fell for it in the first place… and I don’t need it. You are sunshine-y. You’re bright and kind but sometimes you fake it, and I can tell,” I tell her. “You said you had never been sure if someone else could relate but you knew that music could… I can too. I can relate. And I can be here if you need it, if music isn’t working…” I tell her.

She just stares at me, those tears still present in her perfect eyes. I want to look away from her stare, scared to be caught under it… scared to know what it means. I’m fearful it means more to me than she intends it to… but there’s something deep and meaningful behind it.

“Thank you…” Her words are just above a whisper when she says them.

We’re interrupted by a phone call and I look to see Bellamy on my screen. I answer, my eyes locked on Brianne.

“Hey,” I answer.

“I can’t find her. I can’t get a hold of her boyfriend. I think I should call campus police or—”

“I got Dakota’s number from Leah and he’s with her,” I tell him and he sighs in relief.

“Jesus Christ. Did you ask him why she wasn’t answering her phone?” he asks me.

She mouths the words ‘thank you’ and I nod.

“Her phone was dead. He said they wouldn’t be out late. That’s all he said, then she took the phone and told me to tell you to stop worrying so much,” I tack on another lie and she smirks at what I just said.

“Whatever. She’s going to hear an earful when she shows back up. Thanks, man. I owe you,” he mumbles.

“Don’t mention it. Seriously,” I tell him. I hang up and click my phone off, looking up at Brianne.

“Is he mad?” she asks and I shake my head no.

“Not mad but he is worried. He said you were going to hear an earful when you get back so be ready,” I tell her. She sighs.

“Are you going to talk to him… about all of this, about how you’re feeling?” I ask and she shakes her head.

“No. Because it wouldn’t be fair to him… to bring up how I feel. That’s why I talk to a therapist because it’s not his job to shoulder how I feel… especially when it has to do with our parents. I don’t want to open wounds for him. I don’t need him to know how much they still affect me when it doesn’t… When it doesn’t hurt as bad for him anymore,” she tells me and there’s a hole in my chest that opens at her words.

Best friends. He is her best friend and she feels like going to him wouldn’t be fair… even if she’s drowning without it. I just nod because I spent too long not having anyone to talk to. Even still, I feel like that.

“You don’t have to tell him. I just… I just thought I’d ask,” I shrug.

“I should probably go back…” she sighs and starts to stand up.

I stand with her and take her hand before she turns back around. I don’t know why I had to grab her, where the urge came from to touch her right now… but she doesn’t pull away, so I keep hold of her while her eyes hold onto me.

“You don’t have to… go back, I mean. You’re here for yourself. You obviously needed it. I never… I never had an escape like this. If I had, I would have used it a lot,” I tell her.

“Football?” she asks.

“Does a lot of great things for anger, but doesn’t help much when I feel sad… Hopeless…” I admit.

“I’m sorry you felt that way,” She tells me.

“I’m sorry you feel that way right now, Brianne,” I admit.

She’s sweet. Sickly sweet. Kind. Compassionate. Loyal. That’s all I’ve gathered from barely knowing the woman in front of me… but there’s one thing I know about trauma and pain and that’s the fact that it doesn’t cater to how kind you are. It hits everyone just as hard no matter who you are or what you do. And sometimes, it kills kindness and heart. Sometimes it wins… but I see her. I see Brianne. She’s fighting, fighting to keep her head up and her heart on fire. I don’t know all of her. Not even half of her, but I want to. More than anyone or anything thus far in my life. I think her fire and spirit would do well for me. I’ve learned enough from her, but something tells me she’s going to be teaching me a lot more than I had thought.

“Yes… To Saturday. I would love to go out with you Saturday but I can’t do extravagant things,” she tells me. I look at her straight on, my head tilted down toward her.

“Why not extravagant… if that’s what you deserve?” I tell her, watching her already rosy cheeks flame.

“I’m… I can do it one day, I just can’t do it… I’m, I can’t do the pressure. I mean…” she sighs. “I just need to be casual right now, for my own sanity…” she tells me and I nod.

“Casual is fine, but don’t expect me to go easy on you. It will be casual like you’ve never seen,” I tell her. I let her hand slip from mine.

“Thank you…” she tells me as I move back from her.

“I didn’t do anything,” I tell her.

“If you say so…” she smiles to herself, turning back toward the stereo.

“Are you okay? Really?” I ask her and she nods.

“I will be okay. Promise.”

“Okay,” I nod softly and walk out of the room without another word.

I press my back to the wall outside of the door, my body out of view from her. I pinch my eyes shut and take a second to absorb all of that. All of her. Physicality is one thing—the obvious pull we have there is hard to ignore—but to me… It doesn’t compare to the pull I have to her elsewhere. She is someone I want to know. I’ve never had someone like that. Not yet, anyway… Her feelings are so big and so avoided by everyone around her… because she doesn’t let anyone see them. But I do. I have. I want to keep seeing them. I just hope she lets me.