Page 39

CHAPTER 39

Brianne Archer:

December has felt like a flash. Like it should have lasted longer but didn’t. Like my first year of college is disappearing before my eyes and nothing can slow it down and stop it. Looking back a lot has happened obviously. I’ve met friends and made a million memories. I have Parker. To say the least, that's a huge thing that’s come from my freshman year.

Over the past three weeks, the boys managed to win every single game, bringing them to a zero-loss season so far. Not even in the bowl games. Not even with our strongest competitors. We are on top. I can say I expected it, but with the aspect of how many other teams stepped up this year, there was no denying they had a fight. After Christmas, they start training every single day. Working toward the championship they plan to make it to. There are two more qualifying games before we can be sure, but if I had to bet money on anything in the world it would be Seattle Pike University’s football team.

My dance finals have all gone phenomenal. During the time I had spent training Parker, I used the dance space to train myself in skills I had never learned before. I even paid my dance teacher for private lessons in hopes of gaining more than anticipated. It’s been the best form of therapy I could ask for being on that floor and leaving everything there. Anxiety dissipates when I dance like I do on this campus. It’s more than I’ve ever been able to accomplish before now.

Dakota doesn’t know that I’ve been lying to him… I told him I started my real therapy sessions with Madeline back so he would calm down about it and he has. But what he doesn’t know won't hurt him. I haven’t wanted to see my therapist for plenty of reasons but the main one being that I can handle myself now. If Bellamy can do it, so can I. Plus, I went long enough. I think I’ve learned everything I need to learn. I don’t need it, but if it makes my best friend feel at ease then that’s all that matters. He’s happy right now with Nico. They work well together and since he told him how he feels they’ve been seeing a lot more of each other… Officially now. Which is incredible for Dakota and me because we get to hang out together while our boyfriends hang out with us.

Bellamy is up in northern Washington with Kamryn to meet her family for the first time. It’s a big deal for Kamryn apparently. Bellamy told me he’s the first guy that Kamryn has ever brought home and I told him to not fuck it up. He didn’t appreciate that, but he and I both know there’s nothing to worry about. Bellamy is like the picture-perfect guy to bring home to your parents. He’s nice and kind and seemingly what every girl wants. I don’t know what could go wrong. He won’t come home until tomorrow. But Christmas is today. Right now. And it’s the first Christmas I’ve spent without him. Without anyone actually.

I visited my Grandparents yesterday, but have spent all of today alone. Parker went home with Xander’s family for this holiday. I thought that was sweet considering he never would have agreed to that when I first met him. But the relationship and bond between them has bloomed into brotherhood instead of whatever it was before. It’s sweet… Dakota is with his family. Lawson and Sienna are staying with his mom for the holiday, Sienna’s mom is joining them from what I know. Which leaves me here all alone. But oddly enough I’m not devastated by that thought. I will celebrate with my grandparents and Bellamy tomorrow.

Then after that, I’m going to have to tell him about me and Parker. But for now, I get peace and quiet until that storm comes. I’m cooking right now. My own Christmas feast. My feast of my favorite foods and no one else’s.

Chicken tenders. Mac and cheese, the white cheddar shell kind, cheese made from scratch because what else do I have to do? I have warm rolls in the oven and mashed potatoes too. Mashed potatoes are a comfort food that can never grow old in my head. I’m not going to eat all of this, but I’ll have leftovers for Bellamy because I’m sure he’s going to be hungry the second he gets home tomorrow. He’s always freaking hungry. There’s a knock on the door that startles me out of thought and I jump. I put my hand on my heart, catching my breath and then I look to the door with furrowed brows. Who? I put my wooden spoon down and go to the door opening it.

Parker. I stand there shocked as I look at him. He’s in a deep green hoodie and black loose-fitting pants. His hair is pushed back and curled at his chin, his beard is perfectly tripped and his smile is electric. He’s got a couple of presents in his hand and a duffle bag on his shoulder.

“Merry Christmas, Sunshine.” He smiles and my jaw unhinges and my lips stay apart as I stare at him. He steps into the apartment and shuts the door as I back in, still staring at him. I put on my own Christmas sweater, hoping to feel slightly festive, but not expecting guests. I’m not wearing pants, only underwear and white crew socks. My hair is drying as it hangs down around me and I’m sure my cheeks are flaming considering I’m not wearing makeup.

“Are you going to say something?” he asks, setting down his gifts for me and closing in to hug me.

“What are you doing here? You said you were with Xander and—”

“And I celebrated with his family this morning, thanked them so much for letting me be with them, and promptly left after lunch so I could make it here to be with you,” he tells me, kissing the top of my head. “I would never leave you alone on Christmas,” he tells me,

“I didn’t need this. And we both agreed on no presents. I didn’t get you anything… I mean I appreciate it but I wasn’t expecting it. I mean obviously, I wasn’t expecting it, duh. But I just. I never want you to drop your plans or make your friends feel like I’m—”

“Shhhhh.” He brings his lips to mine and kisses away all the thoughts in my head.

Except for the thought of food, because my mac and cheese needs to be stirred. I press off of him with a groan and push past him.

“My dinner… Well, our dinner. Have you eaten? Are you hungry?” I ask and he meets me at the stove, bringing his arms around my waist, and lowering his head to rest on my shoulder.

“Chicken tenders and mac and cheese?” he laughs and I roll my eyes.

“When you’re only cooking for yourself, it doesn't seem like a bad idea. It’s not traditional obviously… But you know what, neither are we. Are you hungry or not?” I look over my shoulder at him and he smirks.

“For more than just food…” He kisses me and I smile.

“Later. Don’t make me mess up my shells.” I go back to looking at the stove and he backs off, sitting across the counter.

“How was Xander’s family? Did you have a good time?” I ask.

“They took me skiing. I’ve never been skiing before,” he tells me.

“And?” I ask.

“It was a lot of fun, I think you would like it too. It was weird though. Xander’s family is… they’re just not your normal family. It’s like being with people who know everything about each other but there’s no… No warmth. It’s very different from being around yours. I mean they barely speak. They just sit on their phones. With the exception of Xander’s sister who’s really nice. He protects her in a way I’ve never seen from him. It was… It was just a different side of him. I almost felt bad leaving,” he tells me.

“I can understand that. Aren’t his parents super rich? Like lawyers or doctors or something?” I ask.

“His dad is a celebrity lawyer. Like public figures and shit and he’s… Yeah, he’s very disconnected. It was sad,” he admits and I nod.

“I’m happy my parents were never like that. They were loaded. They worked really hard but never let that stop them from being good people or parents,” I tell him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring them up…” he admits and I shake my head.

“It’s fine. My mom loved Christmas… That tree we have, all the ornaments are mostly hers. She had special ones from all the places she and my dad traveled. My grandparents kept the ones Bell and I made when we were young. But we kept the ones with stories,” I tell him and I look over to the Christmas tree in the corner of our living room. Parker looks and laughs.

“Do you have a fireplace on the TV?” he asks and I smile.

“It felt festive, okay? I was trying to feel the Christmas spirit,” I tell him.

I finish with dinner and both of us take ours into the living room and sit on the floor to enjoy it, presents still under the tree and the fake fire dancing on my TV. It feels warm. Cozy and comfortable. And now that Parker is here it feels more right than I expected.

“When does Bellamy come back?” he asks, not meeting my eyes.

“Tomorrow, but we leave for my house right when he gets back,” I tell him.

“And how long will you be gone again?” he asks.

“Till we come back for New Year’s Eve… Bellamy said it’s important that we throw a huge New Year’s Party for Kamryn,” I tell him.

“Why?” he asks.

“Well because it’s apparently her favorite holiday. I thought that was weird, but apparently, there’s some interesting lore there. I don’t know, I didn't really question him much. I just told him I’d help,” I admit.

“We should have told him before Christmas.” He looks at me now, setting his fork down and I sigh.

“I know but I didn’t want there to be any reason for him to ruin the holiday,” I admit.

“Well if we told him when I wanted to, he would have left for Kamryn’s parents and had time to simmer down before today or tomorrow,” Parker tells me.

“And then Kamryn hates me because I sent her boyfriend home with her in the worst mood ever,” I tell him.

“He might not be mad.” He shrugs and I scoff.

“Right… and if he is?” I ask.

“Then he better not say anything that might hurt your feelings because I’m going to hurt him. I’m tired of people dictating you or me. Dictating our happiness individually or together. I love you, what’s the issue there?” he asks me, focusing back down on our food.

“And I love you. But that doesn’t mean he’s just going to understand. He’s going to be mad,” I tell him.

“And he’s going to be really mad when someone tells him before we have a chance,” Parker informs me.

“I have Sienna and Kamryn on Lawson duty. Kamryn is going to let us tell him on our own time. I promise that’s not an issue,” I tell him.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” He shakes his head and I nod.

“Good, neither do I. It’s Christmas. Not Bellamy time.” I tell him and he looks at me,

“I’m really glad I came back… this feels right,” he admits and my cheeks heat.

I don’t fight my smile, I let it through and nod my head.

“I’m really thankful that I don’t have to be alone. I was completely at terms with it and honestly okay with the thought, but this is just better. I’ve never really been the kind of person who likes to be alone unless…” I trail off and he looks at me.

“Unless?” he starts. “Unless you’re dancing. Right?” He asks, and looks away from me and back to his food.

“Unless I’m dancing, then I like being alone,” I agree.

“I really wish you’d stop quieting yourself or not finishing your sentences around me. I really love when you get talking… You know that.” His eyes share the smile his lips show.

I love that Parker smiles with his eyes when he’s genuinely happy. His eyes are gorgeous as it is, but this way they’re captivating.

“I know you do. It’s just a habit,” I admit.

“Break it,” he urges.

“Cause it’s that easy…” I joke and he smirks,

“Open my gifts, come on.” He pushes his plate and mine away and I sigh, and tilt my head.

“We said no presents,” I tell him.

“And you didn’t think about the fact that I’ve never had a girlfriend… Or anyone for that matter that I’ve been able to buy gifts for. Christmas never really mattered when I grew up, so getting presents doesn’t mean anything to me. Spending time with you is enough, but I was really excited to get you something…” he tells me. I press my lips together, trying not to sigh again.

“Now I feel even worse,” I admit.

“Don’t feel bad. Brianne, I didn’t tell you I was getting you a gift because I made one and didn’t plan to buy the other but when I saw it I couldn’t help it. It’s okay. Being able to do this for you is really what matters to me. It’s enough,” he encourages. I pout my lips.

“You’re so sweet you make my freaking teeth hurt,” I joke, grabbing the first box.

“You haven’t even seen what’s inside.” He pulls his knees up, sitting with his arms loosely hugging his legs.

He looks at me with childlike excitement and I’m happy to see him so happy. I don’t care what’s inside the boxes. I put another small box out of the one I just opened and I pull the lid back revealing a locket. It seems vintage. I look at the intricate design of the gold jewelry, thankful that it’s the same color as all my other necklaces and rings. He pays attention…

“Open it,” he tells me softly.

I set the box down and do what he said, opening the tiny locket. There’s a tiny note etched in Parker’s boyish handwriting. I love you. I pout my lip and look at him.

“This is so sweet… Is there a story behind it? This locket?” I ask and he shrugs.

“I was with Xander and Andrew and there was an estate sale that they said we should go to. I saw it and picked it up and the woman who was running the sale was this cute old lady. She said it was hers, that her husband had given it to her but replaced it with something apparently nicer years later… He passed away and she said that’s what the estate sale was for… Anyway, I thought it was sweet. And I thought a locket felt like something I could see you wearing…” he explains and with each sentence, my heart warms.

“I also really liked the idea of being like that with you. Looking back on this years down the road hopefully. That you’ll keep small gifts or I’ll keep sweet things from you so we can tell people about it when we’re her age. It’s sentimental but… I just liked the idea,” he admits and I nod.

“And the note?” I ask him and he shrugs.

“I didn’t want to decide for you what was most important for the pictures. I thought you could choose who you wanted on each side. It should rest right over your heart. And I think your heart is big and full of a lot of people…” he admits.

“You’re being extra sweet tonight,” I tell him, my pointer finger drawing on the outside of the locket as I look at the messy handwriting inside.

“I’m feeling the power of Christmas,” he jokes.

“There’s no such thing,” I fight back, closing the locket.

“Then it’s because I just love you,” he tells me and passes me the next box that’s bigger.

“I love you,” I tell him and lean forward, pushing on my knees.

He doesn’t meet me in the middle, but he does let me lean into him to press my lips to his. I sit back, rip off the paper, and then rip the box open. Inside is a frame, and then a stack of something wrapped up in tissue paper. The frame is empty so I set it to the side for now. I look at him and he pulls out his phone and nods his head to the rest of the package. I see the first thing in the stack and it’s an old-school-style polaroid picture of us. I don’t know how he transferred a picture of us to the Polaroid but it’s adorable.

The picture is from the bonfire where we first met. We’re not next to each other in the picture. We’re sitting in the group, all of our friends. Leah, Dakota, and Val are surrounding me. Bellamy, Lawson, Kamryn, Sienna, Parker, and Griffin are all surrounding too. But there’s marker circling me and him and pointing to a heart in the middle. I laugh at the small addition to the photo but my mind focuses on the Spotify code that has been stuck to the bottom of the Polaroid photo. He scans it to show me, and the song that pops up makes me instantly want to cry. Enchanted by Taylor Swift.

“Did you research music to pick this song out?” I ask him and he’s blushing as he looks at me.

“Well, I’ve been doing better listening to your favorite artists… But I had the guys help me pick out all the songs,” he tells me and I furrow my brows.

“All of the songs?” I ask.

I flip to the next thing in the stack and the picture is a selfie we took at the going away party for Griffin. It’s just me, Kamryn, and Parker. I smile, forgetting we even took this picture. He scans the song for me. Overnight Sensation by BORNS. I put my hand on my chest and then look at him.

“Parker…” I don’t flip the next picture.

“Just look at all of them, and listen to all the songs before you say anything. Do you know this song?” he asks and I shake my head. We listen to it and I want to kiss him the entire time I do. The sweetness of the song is overwhelming. I flip to the next picture and it’s our first solo one. A picture from my birthday party at the cowboy bar. I’m holding my hat to my head and it looks like I’m laughing. Parker’s hand is so low on my back it’s practically on my ass. He’s got an easy smile on his lips and my chest warms at the memories from that night. He scans the code and the song Kinda Cowgirl by Stephen Day pops up.

I’ve never heard this one either but I instantly fall in love with Parker Thompson all over again the second I do.

The next picture is from our first date. It’s us in his truck after our city date. The song is one of my favorites, Dive by Holly Humberstone.

I flip next and it’s a picture we took in our kayaks. The instructor took it for us on our second date. I’m smiling harder than I think I’ve ever seen myself smile. I don’t remember ever seeing this picture after that date. The song he picked is Treacherous (Taylor's Version) by Taylor Swift. I smirk at a second edition of my favorite artists in the world.

I see a picture next that Dakota had snuck of us. I love this picture. We’re both in uniform, both of us smiling incredibly hard it almost looks like it could hurt us. It was right after Parker’s first game back when he killed it like I’ve never seen before. The song for this picture is Waste The Night by 5 Seconds of Summer. I smile.

“Who picked this song?” I ask over the music.

“Nico. He has a crush on the guy in the band apparently? Luke or something.” He shrugs and I smirk, flipping to the next picture.

I try my hardest not to cry. It’s a mirror picture I took of us in my hotel room when we went to Vegas. We’re both wearing slimy green face masks and Parker is trying to kiss my cheek in the photo. I love this picture more than words could explain. He plays the song Perfume by Del Water Gap and I smile at him. The insinuation as well as memories from the night and how hard Parker was trying to restrain himself makes me laugh out loud.

The last picture is from The Heisman trophy ceremony and the song is Daydreaming by Harry Styles, my favorite song by him in general, which I know Parker knows.

The last picture in the stack is one from right before everyone left for Christmas. A few days ago when we were here alone, I set up my phone to take a picture of us in front of the Christmas tree. He’s trying to kiss me once again and I’m smiling in a way I feel like I never see in most pictures. This one's my favorite out of all the ones we took that night. The song is Birds of A Feather by Billie Eilish. I cover my face after I set down the photos and Parker puts his hand on my knee.

“Do you not like them? I know the song thing is something you and your mom did but I think of you when I hear music… I just thought you would like it, most of the songs remind me of you but if you don’t like it—”

I uncover my face and launch myself on him, kissing him harshly. His breath is gone, his surprise is so imminent it’s overwhelming. His hesitation in the gift, making sure I liked it. His care for me constantly is something it’s hard to wrap my head around. I feel like a kid around everyone. Like I’m small and less than important. But around Parker, I feel like I’m the entire universe. I don’t know if this is something that will hold in my life. I don’t know if this is something that will break or bend or…

He pulls me onto his lap, bringing his hand up my bare thigh, letting his fingers only linger under the hem of the oversized sweater I’m wearing. He breaks the kiss and presses his forehead to mine. I look at his eyes, even in the dim lighting the hazel glow they produce is stunning. He tucks my hair behind my ear and holds my face. He leans in one more time, stealing kisses with ease and haste, like he can’t get enough and I realize now that my previous thoughts aren’t acceptable ones. Of course, I don’t know if this will break but I won’t let it. I can’t let it. The world around me would need to crumble before I willingly allowed Parker to slip through my fingers.

“What’s your favorite Christmas movie, Parker?” I ask him and he shrugs.

“I’ve never seen any but the cartoon ones. Most of the kids I lived with liked those so that’s what we watched. But I like the one with Rudolph and that elf. It was cute.” He tells me. “What’s your favorite?” he asks and I lean my head against his chest.

He leans back so I can lean further into him.

“That’s hard. Christmas is my favorite holiday so I really love Christmas movies. I love The Santa Clause, they always made me laugh growing up, and the original Grinch movie too… But I think I’m the most fond of the Disney ones,” I explain, images of Bellamy and me on Christmas flash through my head and I fight a smile, then I fight tears. I didn’t realize how much I wish Bellamy was here… How much I wish… I stop myself.

“Which Disney ones? Was it some tradition or something when you were younger?” he asks and I pull myself up from the ground. I hold out both of my hands to him so he can get up too. We leave the present trash on the ground and I clean up our plates of food, still not answering his question, my mind thinking about Christmas growing up with all of my family.

“Bri?” he asks and I smile up at him.

“What?” I ask.

“Are you okay?” He approaches and I finish the dishes.

“Perfect… Do you want to watch a Christmas movie with me?” I ask, walking into my living room.

He follows and I sit on the couch, pulling my knees up. He finds his space pressed next to me, immediately pulling me in as we nestle into the cushions. I start to turn on a movie.

“I want to watch the Disney ones you were talking about,” he tells me and I get that choked-up feeling.

I don’t turn them on. I just set the remote down and sigh knowing I need to just talk instead of closing myself off. I am dealing with this, I don’t need therapy. But I should still maybe just talk about it.

“It wasn’t tradition. My parents were very lax people when they were home because every time they were gone on work trips they had to be specific and precise. On Christmas, we would open presents whenever we would wake up. You’d think I would have been the one to wake the house up, but it was always Bell. He never slept in, especially not on Christmas.” I smile at the thought. Especially when I was older I never wanted to wake up on time.

“Sounds like Bellamy,” Parker laughs and I feel the vibration of his chest.

“But we never talked about it before the day of Christmas. It was never an argument either. Because back then, when my parents were here, me and Bellamy would fight like cats and dogs. We fought about what color the sky was if it was the only thing to argue about. But on Christmas we never did. And we never discussed the movie but always ended up watching these. Mickey’s Once and Twice Upon A Christmas. I preferred Twice Upon A Christmas, but he was indifferent. It was one of the only times my parents could have us in the same room without wanting to rip each other's heads off,” I laugh.

“How the hell did you go from that to what you are now?” he asks.

“When you lose the most important people in your life there’s nothing else you can do but cling to the people you relate to. We leaned on each other because we realized we’re all each other has,” I tell him, my mind wandering off to how it would have been for me if Bell and I hadn’t gotten close after my parents passed.

“I’m sorry he’s not here.” Parker kisses the top of my head after he speaks and I shake my head.

“I knew it would come one day. People grow up, and life becomes a big mess of planning, conflicts, and schedules. I’m not mad or upset about it because I really hope one day when we both have families we’re going to potentially get to do that again, maybe they’ll have their own movies they bond over. I don’t know. But I do think one day the tradition will be reborn again,” I explain.

I don’t know if Bellamy and Kamryn want a big family with a lot of kids. I don’t know if they’re wanting dogs and a beach house. I don’t know but I do know that they’re going to do it together.

“We don’t have to watch those, then. If they’re reserved for—”

“I’d love to watch them tonight. More than anything actually,” I tell him and tilt my head up to look at him.

He looks at me softly and I lean in, kissing the corner of his lip. I turn back to the TV and turn on the movie. I nestle into Parker, feeling the warmth of him and the season in general. My favorite time of year is made sweeter by him and fond memories of times I can’t have again but can always relive in my mind.

“I love you, Brianne.” His voice is deep and so soft. Just like his lips are when he kisses the top of my head.

His hand moves under my sweater to trace his finger over my spine, the movie playing now in front of us. I drift, my mind only partially focusing on the movie, but mostly on the feeling inside of my chest. I’ve never been so settled in life. So quiet and calm. I’ve never felt so right. I cling tighter to Parker at that thought.