Page 81 of The Quarterlands (Dark Water #4)

Chapter Twenty-One

Josiah

Josiah finished packing up another box, then paused for a rest. He’d been working in the garage all morning and he wasn’t so much tired as pissed off.

“Most of this is your stuff, Peter,” he growled, tipping up a box full of old engine parts and glaring at them. “I say that with some certainty because I’ve never had the slightest interest in vehicles, as well you know.”

A part of him longed for the days when his dead husband would have replied with a snappy comeback, but he knew it was better this way. He’d told Alex to move on, and he had to learn to do the same, somehow.

He wiped his hands on a towel on the workbench and then glanced up as he heard a duck outside. A few seconds later, his heart did a little flip as a familiar figure strolled into his garage.

“Hey, Joe. I saw the door was open and…” Alex looked around at all the packing boxes in surprise. “What are you doing? Having a clear-out?”

“Something like that.”

Alex was wearing ripped jeans and a faded tee-shirt that had seen better days and was clearly a remnant from his youth. He looked a bit of a mess, but Josiah suspected that was a reaction to all the years when he’d been dressed up like a prize pony.

“Only you would wear decent clothes to do this kind of work,” Alex observed, rolling his eyes as he glanced at Josiah’s smart chinos and the long-sleeved blue polo shirt that precisely matched the colour of his eyes.

“Well, one of us has to dress right,” Josiah snorted, with a sly tug on Alex’s ugly old tee-shirt.

Alex laughed and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “That’s my neat freak. How are you doing?”

They texted, and they’d had several holocalls, but Josiah had deliberately kept his distance in the past few weeks, wanting Alex to have the time and space to figure out what to do with his new-found freedom.

The memory of their last night together was always fresh in his mind, but the last thing he wanted was for Alex to feel any obligation towards him, so he’d kept him at arm’s length.

It would have been all too easy for Alex to rush back to him because he represented safety and convenience, but Josiah didn’t want to be anyone’s security blanket.

“I’m fine. You?” Josiah put his head on one side and studied him. He looked tired.

“I’m fine,” Alex said abruptly.

“No, you’re not,” Josiah said. “Want to talk about it?”

“No. Yes. No. Oh, it’s nothing.” He made an exasperated gesture with his hand.

“Just Charles and Dad driving me nuts and, well, it turns out freedom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

All these decisions! Reporters calling me, the publishers pressing me about the book, and Charles wants me to start doing after-dinner speeches on that god-awful circuit he’s on.

I’d say no, but neither of them has any money, and the interview money won’t last forever,” he grumbled.

“I know, I know.” He held up his hands. “Regular people’s problems. But when I was an indie, I didn’t have to worry about any of this stuff. ”

“No, you had other things to worry about,” Josiah pointed out. “ What can I say? Welcome to your life, Alex. It’s difficult, and scary, and sometimes just plain boring, but at least it’s yours now, when it wasn’t for a very long time.”

“True.” Alex sprawled down on his workbench. “I’m like a zoo animal; release me back into the wild and I haven’t a clue what to do.”

Josiah picked up an empty box and started sorting through Peter’s massive collection of paint brushes.

Alex sat up suddenly, looking around. “Where’s the Jag?” he asked.

“I sold her.” Josiah shrugged.

“What?” Alex looked aghast. “You sold Peter’s Jag?”

“It was time. I never drove her. Having her here was a reminder I didn’t need.”

Alex mulled that over, then gave a reluctant nod. “I suppose so. Well done.” He looked pained all the same. Poking around in one of the boxes, he took out a piece of metal, gazing at it thoughtfully.

“I have no idea what that is, and I don’t want you to tell me,” Josiah said. “It’s going and that’s that.”

“Fair enough.” Alex chucked it back in the box.

Josiah began throwing other things into the box while Alex sat there frowning. Something was clearly bothering him.

“How’s the book going?” Josiah asked.

“Okay. I don’t like writing it, but the publishers have sent someone to help me.

I told them I’m happy to illustrate it but writing’s not my thing.

So, it’ll have decent pictures in it, if nothing else.

” He grinned. “They assure me it’ll be a runaway best seller, and I hope it bloody well is because there’s no money.

Charles seems to spend his the second he has any, and Dad has no income.

They’re both hopeless in their own way,” he grumbled.

“Yeah.” Josiah grinned. “But they’re family, so…” He shrugged.

“I know, and I love them to bits, but I just had to get away. That’s why I came here.”

“Is it?” Josiah raised an eyebrow.

“No. No, it isn’t.” Alex stood up and began pacing around. “Look, Joe, I know you want me to find out who I am and all that stuff first, but the truth is, I can’t stop thinking about that last night we spent together and how insanely hot it was. ”

“Right.” Josiah threw an old trainer into the box. It wasn’t even Peter’s size. Where had it come from? Then he recognised it as the one Hattie used to carry around – she’d found it in a park and proudly brought it home with her. “And so, you came here… for what? Looking for a good time?”

“No! I mean, yes, but not just for that. I want you , Joe. I want us . I want the snuggling on the sofa and the in-jokes, the banter, and, yes, the sex, too.” Alex came over and put his hands on Josiah’s shoulders. “What do you say?”

“I’m sorry, Alex, but the answer’s no.” Josiah pushed him away gently. “Look, it’s only been a few weeks. Of course it’s hard; you’ve been through hell. It’ll take you a while to adjust, but you must give it time. I’m not your backup option just because you’re unhappy with your life.”

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Alex looked contrite. “I’m sorry if it came out that way. I just miss you,” he said honestly. “I really do.”

“I’m sure you do, but the answer is still no.”

“Why? Don’t you want me?”

Josiah winced at the raw vulnerability in his eyes.

“I know I’m not good enough for you,” Alex admitted. “I know I’m not Peter. I know you must look at me and see that footage from Tyler’s smartwalls and all those people I slept with. You must think I’m sleazy and dirty.”

“I don’t think anything of the sort,” Josiah told him firmly.

“Alex, I care about you, but you’re just finding your feet.

I’m familiar and comfortable, but that doesn’t mean I’m right for you.

Real life is messy and confusing and doesn’t necessarily come with a happy ending.

That’s what having your freedom means. I meant it when I told you to go and live your life because, however difficult and imperfect it might be, it’s still yours.

Your life was interrupted when you were barely more than a kid.

Find out who you are now without that chip in your arm. ”

“Stop it,” Alex said sharply.

“What?”

“Stop telling me who to be and how to feel! I had enough of that when I was an indie. Well, newsflash, Joe, you don’t own me any more.”

“I know that.” Josiah rocked back on his heels, feeling winded .

“No, you don’t understand. My feelings are mine, Joe. Mine. Nobody can tell me who to love or not to love any more. Not even you. I know how I feel, and I know that I want you. I’m tired of pretending. What we had was fantastic, and I want it back.”

“Well, you can’t have it,” Josiah said, more harshly than he’d intended.

“But why not?” Alex took a deep breath and calmed down.

“Joe, I don’t think you ever stopped loving me.

I hope not, anyway. And I…” He glanced away, flushing, then looked back again, and ploughed on.

“I love you. There, I’ve said it. I love you, Josiah Raine.

I’ve loved you for years. I love you, and I want you.

Not because you’re safe, and familiar, and not because you rescued me, but because you’re you, and I’m in love with you. I mean it. I love you .”

Josiah reached out and gently ran the back of his hand over Alex’s cheek, then pulled him in close for a sweet whisper of a kiss.

“Thank you,” he said softly, his heart breaking as he drew back. “You’re right. I do still love you. I always will. But it’s over, and it’s time for you to move on.”

Alex gave him a look of confused dismay.

“I don’t understand. Why is it over? You want me, I want you… what the hell is to stop us being together?” He stopped suddenly and looked around the garage. “Are you moving out, Joe? All these boxes… the Jag… are you leaving?”

“Yes,” Josiah said quietly. “I’ve sold up. I’m moving out in a few days.”

“But this is Peter’s house. You can’t sell Peter’s house.”

“Why not? I sold Peter’s Jag.”

“Is that what you’re doing, then?” Alex demanded. “Moving on? Where are you moving to?”

“I’ve found a place. It’s a flat. I don’t need a garden, and it’s much smaller, so I can’t take all this stuff,” Josiah explained. “It’s time I cleared it all out and went elsewhere. Past time, really.”

“Right.” Alex glanced around, looking sad and lost. “I suppose I just thought you’d always be here.”

“I’ll always be here for you, even if not in the way you want,” Josiah told him gently. “I said that when you were freed, and I meant it. ”

Alex stood there, silent and still, but Josiah could see the cogs working. Alex Lytton was many things, but he wasn’t stupid.

“Don’t overthink it, Alex,” he warned.