Page 40 of The Quarterlands (Dark Water #4)

Josiah felt himself bristling, wanting to refute that Peter had ever used him, but Alex was right.

It wasn’t as egregious as what Charles and Isobel had done, but Peter had often overridden his wishes and somehow always got his own way.

He’d been so charming, so charismatic, and Josiah had been so much in love that he’d been blind to the ways in which their relationship wasn’t perfect.

It hurt to realise it now, to think ill of Peter now he was dead, but he’d been far too dazzled by him when he was alive to have such thoughts.

He could see now that he’d been desperate for love, much like Alex.

He was the poor Quarterlands orphan, coming out of Rosengarten with so much damage.

He’d been gauche, much younger and far less educated than Peter, who’d picked him up, dusted him down, and made him feel loved and whole again.

He knew Peter had loved him, and he didn’t doubt that Charles and Isobel had loved Alex, but the relationships had been unequal all the same.

“Yes,” he agreed softly, and it hurt, but it was the truth.

“I won’t ever betray Charles, so please don’t ask me to,” Alex told him fiercely. “I won’t do that, Joe.”

“I knew you’d say that.” Josiah sighed. “I don’t think he’s worth all you’ve endured to save his sorry hide, but I understand that you do.”

“I made him a promise out here on this road. I’m not breaking it,” Alex said.

“God, I know that. You always keep your promises, even when you really should break them.” He nudged Alex gently with his elbow. “I can’t believe you never told Tyler the truth, despite all you endured.”

“Do you really think he’d have believed me if I had?” Alex snorted.

“No. No, I don’t.”

“So, there was nothing to be gained by telling him.”

“All the same, that must have been hard, keeping that secret for all those years, when maybe it could have made a difference. If he’d believed you, he might have set you free.”

“And have him go after Charles? Do you think I could have lived with myself if I’d done that?”

“No. Like I said, you’re loyal to a fault. You’re a good person, Alex. I wish I could make you believe that.”

“Well, I don’t.” Alex hunched his shoulders miserably. “Mum didn’t ask me to seduce Buzzard,” he said suddenly. “It wasn’t like that. She’d never have asked me to do that. It just seemed like something I could do to help, so I offered.”

“You’ve always viewed sex as transactional. I guess that’s where it all started.”

“Not with you,” Alex refuted. “I didn’t view it that way with you.”

“Sometimes you did,” Josiah told him quietly. “Sometimes, Alex.” He looked at him for a long time, until he could no longer hold his gaze and looked away.

“Yes. Sometimes,” he whispered.

“That’s why it had to stop. Your mask is too good, and it was too hard for me to tell whether you really wanted me or not.

The only reason you should ever have sex is desire, Alex.

Your desire. It’s not a means to an end.

It’s not a bribe. It’s not to keep someone from hurting you, or to please them. You’re worth more than that.”

“I’m not sure I am.” Alex gazed into space.

“Believe me, you are.”

They were silent for a long time, wrung out and exhausted.

Then, finally, Alex spoke. “What now?” He turned to look at him. “What will you do with my secret, Joe?”

“I don’t know.”

“Please, don’t tell anyone,” Alex begged. “It will make it all so pointless, all those years of suffering and enduring Tyler’s hatred – and not just Tyler, either. The entire fucking country hates me because of what happened to Charles. It will all have been for nothing if you speak out.”

“I won’t lie under oath to protect Charles.”

“There’s no reason it’ll come up at the trial.”

“No,” Josiah agreed. “But it might.”

“Please, Joe, please promise me you won’t reveal it to anyone. Promise me.”

“I don’t know…”

“That’s not fair, Joe. You’ve broken the law.

You’ve helped countless indies to get out of the country.

Why do you get to keep your secret and not me?

You even lied to Esther about Peter. You lied during a murder investigation!

That’s worse than what I did. Why should you get away with it and not me? ”

Josiah gazed at him glumly. He had a point.

“Please, Joe. Promise me you won’t tell anyone. I want Charles to be happy. I want him to keep his medal, and I want Mum to have what she always wanted for him, and for us as a family.”

“Your mother is dead.”

“It’s what she wanted,” Alex cried brokenly.

“I know, but it’s a lie, Alex. Charles didn’t win that medal fair and square. He wouldn’t have won it at all without Flex.”

“Please,” Alex whispered. “My whole life, everything I endured at Tyler’s hands, it’s all for nothing if people know. Please, Joe. Promise.”

“Okay.” Josiah couldn’t help himself. Alex needed this, and was it really so much to ask? Who really benefitted from knowing? It surely had no bearing on the trial.

“Say it,” Alex demanded. “Say it, Joe.”

“I promise,” Josiah told him. “I promise I won’t tell anyone, Alex.”

It was the second promise he’d made to Alex today. He’d do his best, he really would, but he didn’t know if he’d be able to keep either of them.