Page 42 of The Quarterlands (Dark Water #4)
“Oh, darling, you have no idea.” Her face changed in front of him, and he felt as if he was seeing her – really seeing her – for the first time.
“Life is tedious, monotonous, and watching your brother row a boat up and down for hours on end is boring beyond belief. Yes, I know it’s risky, yes, I know it’s bad and wrong and all that.
But darling… it makes me feel so alive.”
She looked luminous, sitting there in her wet evening gown, her blue eyes positively sparkling. He saw then that she was a gambler, prepared to risk everything on one throw of the dice.
She placed one perfectly manicured hand on his arm. “The world is fucked up, Alex, and I am, too. I’m sorry I’m not the perfect mother all boys want their mums to be, but trust me when I say I think you’ll find I’m much more fun.”
“Fun? You think any of this is fun?”
“Don’t be boring like your father. You have too much of me in you for that.” She smiled. “Live a little, darling. Be daring. Yes, we might lose everything, but that’s what makes life exciting. Now look, I need you to promise that you won’t say anything to your father about this.”
“What?” He stared at her.
“You have your little secret, darling, and now I’m trusting you with mine.”
“Are you saying you’ll tell Dad about my sexuality if I tell him about this?”
“Oh, God, no. I’m not blackmailing you, Alex.
” She squeezed his arm gently. “I’m just saying, a little secret doesn’t do any harm, does it?
Look, the reason I don’t want you to tell your father is the same reason you don’t want him to know you’re into boys.
We don’t want to break his heart, do we?
He’s lovely, but he’s so… him.” She gave a regretful sigh.
“He’s not one of life’s natural law-breakers, is he?
He was brought up never having to fight for anything. He wouldn’t understand.”
“How have you even managed to keep it a secret from him? Doesn’t he go through your accounts? ”
Everyone knew that Noah was obsessed with spreadsheets. Alex often joked that they were his idea of a fun bedtime read.
“Accounts can always be fudged.” She waved a hand as if that was a tedious detail, not worthy of her time.
“Shave a bit off here, add a bit on there, put some money aside for bribes and to pay for the drugs.” She shrugged.
“I learned to be resourceful as a little girl, Alex. You’re lucky, you never had to.
So, please don’t stand there on your high horse looking down on me, when you’ve had every privilege a young man could possibly be given in this fucked-up world. ”
How could he refuse her? How could he tell his father anyway? He couldn’t even tell him about his sexuality.
“Okay,” he whispered wretchedly. “I won’t tell him. Or anyone.”
“Good.” She leaned across the table and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly.
“I’m actually relieved this has happened because now you’re one of us and we don’t have to keep this secret from you anymore.
You and me and Charles, we’re all in this together.
Me and my two beautiful boys.” She pressed a kiss to his cheek.
“Yes? We’ll do lots of things together, go on trips.
I know you’ve felt left out, but not anymore.
Everything will change now, you’ll see.”
He hated himself for brightening so much at her words. To be part of their little gang, to be included… it was all he’d ever wanted. How easily bought you are , he thought as she stood up and dragged him to his feet.
“Come on, now, we must get ready for this party. Who knows what hot young men might be there ready to whisk you off your feet.” She prodded him slyly in the ribs, and he couldn’t help smiling. Somehow, she always knew the best way to cajole and charm him, just as she did with everyone else.
Alex sank under the water and waited until his lungs felt ready to explode.
If only he didn’t have to surface. He was a weak man, he could see that now.
He deserved all the bruises Tyler had punched into his flesh.
Hopefully, one day soon, Tyler would return to finish him off.
He’d made one terrible decision after another and he didn’t deserve to keep living.
He could only hope that the end would be swift.
Tyler returned a few weeks later, bringing more gifts. This time, it was drawing materials, the most beautiful Alex had ever seen: exquisite canvasses, superb charcoals, and the finest paints.
“The very best money can buy and all for you,” he proclaimed.
“How thoughtful of you,” Alex replied, gazing at them blankly. He hadn’t felt the urge to draw in a very long time.
“I bet you don’t throw these into the pool.” Tyler laughed.
Alex took them with murmured words of thanks and did his best to appear grateful.
This visit went much the same way as the last. It started well and then, inevitably, degenerated, as Alex failed to give Tyler what he wanted.
One night, as they ate in the scented air of the courtyard, the crickets chirping all around them, Tyler leaned across the table, an ugly look on his face.
“What do you want from me, Alexander?”
“Nothing.” Alex shrugged. “Nothing at all, sir.”
“You don’t care if I’m kind, and you don’t care if I hurt you.”
Alex frowned. “But you wanted me broken,” he said softly. “Didn’t you?”
“Not like this.” Realisation flooded into Tyler’s eyes. “Is that what this is? You play-act being a broken doll and you think I’ll set you free? Is that it?”
“Oh no. I don’t want to be free, sir. I don’t deserve freedom.”
“What then? What do you want?”
“I told you last time: I’m hoping you’ll kill me.”
Tyler stared at him in disbelief. “No.” He threw his napkin onto the table and stood up. “If you want to be dead so much, why not kill yourself?”
“How? I’m always watched.” Alex gave a helpless shrug, although, to be honest, he didn’t have the energy to even contemplate taking his own life.
“No.” Tyler gripped hold of his shoulders. “I own you, Alexander. There’s no escape from me – ever. ”
“As you wish, sir.” Alex smiled at him serenely, unable to care even about that.
“Oh, you’re loving this, aren’t you?”
“What?” he asked blankly.
“This. Trying to control me.”
Control. There it was again – Tyler’s fatal flaw.
Alex heard the crack of his hand on his jaw, but the next few minutes were like a strangely choreographed performance, with the moon covered in wispy clouds far above the only audience.
Tyler hit him repeatedly, but he felt no pain.
He fell down, but only as required by the pantomime they were enacting.
None of it felt real. He was an actor on stage, each movement carefully rehearsed, everything familiar, as if he’d done it a hundred times before.
He heard the sound of footsteps striding away, making little staccato taps on the flagstones, and then there was silence.
He was alone in the darkness, lying on the ground beside the upturned table.
He rolled his tongue, tasting blood, and his body ached all over, which thrilled him because he so rarely felt anything these days.
The stone tiles of the courtyard were hard and cool under his cheek, and he found himself travelling back in time once more.
He was standing in the corner, watching the party whirling on around him.
Everyone was young and attractive, albeit a few years older than him.
Surely he could lose his virginity here?
Plenty of his contemporaries at school had been shagging like bunnies for years – but how?
Talking to people was so hard. He should learn how to flirt but it seemed so fake.
His recent transformation from ugly duckling meant people looked at him more now, but he wasn’t sure what to do with that attention, or how to turn it into sex.
Charles was at the centre of the room, laughing and drinking. He looked like a Greek god, tanned, fit, and strong. It had been a month since his life-changing race and people gravitated towards him, eager to bask in that gold medal glow.
Charles didn’t have any trouble talking to people; it came effortlessly to him.
Pretty girls threw themselves at him all the time.
Alex watched him turn down various invitations to disappear into a back room, seeing the disappointed expressions on the girls’ faces as Charles made it clear he wanted to stay here, where everyone was crowded around him, admiring and adoring him.
He knew Charles had had plenty of sex with any number of pretty women, but it didn’t seem to motivate him.
He’d rather stand in the centre of the room being worshipped by everyone than slope off somewhere for a shag.
A cute boy walked past, handing out tabs of croc. God, how he wanted some right now. Croc would make it easier to simply go with the flow and enjoy the party. Why did people enjoy parties? They were so boring.
A girl sidled up to him wearing a very short skirt and a very tight top. He tried to talk to her, wondering what it’d be like to kiss her, but then she asked if he’d introduce her to Charles. This often happened. His mother had warned him, but it stung all the same.
He turned around, looking for the cute boy handing out the croc, but no. He’d promised his dad. Yet, croc made him feel so mellow. If he took it, he wouldn’t mind that pretty girls only talked to him because they wanted to meet Charles.