Page 68 of The Quarterlands (Dark Water #4)

“It had to be worth a shot. It also threw a spanner in HMS’s carefully planned works, and maybe bought us a few extra hours.”

“Bought us a few extra hours for what ?” Alex demanded.

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to get your hopes up. Jabir gave us a whole bunch of nanodrives from Tyler’s safe in Spain. ”

“What?” Alex sat down suddenly, his legs giving way beneath him. “The blackmail footage?”

“Very likely. If, and it’s a big if, we can crack the encryption. Reed has been working on it non-stop for days, with no luck so far. So, I was trying to buy us time for that, as well.”

“Are you sure?” Alex leaned forward. “Was that really what you were doing, or were you trying to get back at me for that footage of me with Tyler?”

“What?” Josiah blinked, startled. “No.”

“You were so furious that you had to leave the court. You couldn’t bear to even look at me. I saw it. You were disgusted by that footage.”

“I was taken by surprise. I’m not na?ve, Alex. I knew you slept with Tyler. Of course you did. I just assumed it wasn’t willingly.”

“Well, now you know.” Alex gave a twisted smile.

“You want the truth? The truth is that I wanted him, at first anyway. I can’t explain it, but there was always this fire between us.

We loathed each other, but we were fascinated by one another, too.

I hated him, Joe, I honestly did, but for a while, I craved him.

I was his prisoner, and it’d be easy to say I had no choice.

But right from the start, he told me that he’d never take me to his bed until I begged him and meant it, and in the end, I did.

So there. You wanted to know, and that’s the honest bloody truth.

I went to his bed willingly. I begged him to fuck me. ”

“Christ, Alex.” Josiah felt the bile rise in the back of his throat. “Were you in love with him?”

“No. God no. But we were in a relationship for some time, however fucked up it might have been. I’d say it wasn’t my choice, and in many ways it wasn’t, but all the same—” He broke off, shaking his head.

“I had to sleep with him to convince him that I wasn’t a threat, to encourage him to let his guard down around me.

But did I also enjoy it? Yes, I did – at first, anyway. ”

“I can’t begin to understand that.”

“No, of course you can’t, because you’re Josiah fucking Raine,” Alex said savagely.

“Everything’s always black and white for you, isn’t it?

You’re brave, direct, and fearless. You couldn’t lie for years like I did with Tyler.

You could never have worn that mask Gideon taught me to put on.

It isn’t in your DNA. Maybe you’re just too honourable, or too much you .

I don’t know, but it doesn’t make you better than me, or Solange, or anyone else forced into that situation. ”

“I never said I was.”

“You believe it, though. You walk around believing in the great Josiah Raine. So fantastic at your job, so benevolent to escaped indies. So fucking perfect, in fact, compared to the rest of us messy mortals.”

“That’s not true, and it’s not fair.”

“Fair? It’s not fair that you gave away my secret to protect your own.”

“That’s not why I did it.”

“No, you did it because of what you saw in that footage. You did it because, like Neil and like everyone else, you saw me as the poor, damaged boy who needed you to pick him up and fix him. Then you saw that footage and it ruined the image you had of me, and that made you angry.”

“That’s not true.”

“You wanted to see me as a victim, but instead, there I was, having an affair with the man I’d accused of murder. You couldn’t stand it. You hated it. That’s the real reason you told the court about Charles.”

“I was upset about that, but that’s not it. Jesus, is that how you see me? As yet another Neil? One more person who falls for an image of you that isn’t true?”

“It’s what everyone does. Nobody falls for me . Why the hell would they? I’m not very nice. You know that but consistently deny it.”

“Because I don’t think it’s true.”

“Then why were you so upset about that footage of me with Tyler?”

“Because…”

“Well?” Alex jumped to his feet and loomed over him, his face twisted with anger. “Come on, say it. We both know why.”

“Fine,” Josiah snapped. “I was upset because it made me wonder if you’d been any more honest with me than you were with him.

You can hide who you are so easily. Is it all fake, Alex?

Everything we’ve been through together? Were you just playing me to get me to take on this case, the way you played Tyler? Is that who you really are?”

“And there it is.” Alex flopped down on the sofa beside him, all the fight suddenly leaving his body. They sat silently for a long time, and then, finally, Alex turned to him. “For what it’s worth, I wasn’t playing you, Joe.”

“You were a bit at the beginning,” Josiah said softly.

“Yeah. I suppose I was in the beginning.” Alex sighed. “See, I’m really not very nice.”

“Sometimes, I’m not very nice, either,” Josiah said wryly. “I betrayed your secret when you begged me not to, and for that, I’m genuinely sorry.”

“You were always going to,” Alex told him with a wave of his hand. “I knew it, deep down, from the minute you took me back to where it happened. I knew it because that’s who you are.”

Silence descended again, both of them exhausted by the furious fight.

Then Josiah turned to look at him. “Do we see each other clearly at last, Alex?” he asked quietly. “Do we finally see each other now?”

“I suppose we do.” Alex gave a tired smile.

“I had a full-blown affair with George Tyler and it wasn’t all coercive.

He was a fantastic lover, a truly great shag.

” He bit out the words, meaning them to wound, and they did.

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to see me as I really am, or to question what we had between us. ”

“I had to investigate you. I had to keep digging,” Josiah said tightly. “I couldn’t leave it, and when I uncovered the truth, I couldn’t bear that Charles got away with it, that he was lionised and adored while you took the rap. That, more than anything else, stuck in my craw.”

“ That’s who we are,” Alex sighed. “It’s not very pretty, but it’s true.”

Josiah gave a little chuckle. There was a kind of catharsis here. “I’ll miss being your knight in shining armour,” he murmured. “I liked how it felt.”

“And I’ll miss being Ben Smith, the poor, broken boy you wanted so much to save.”

“I’ll miss him, too.” Josiah sighed. “I guess I come alive when there’s someone to save. Peter always knew that.”

“Well, to be fair, I was always attracted to how safe you made me feel.”

They didn’t speak again for so long that Josiah wondered if he’d dozed off. He came to, glancing at Alex to find him staring into space .

“We should go to bed,” he murmured. “Separately.”

“Well, yeah,” Alex said, rolling his eyes. “That ship has well and truly bloody well sailed.”

“Yup.” He forced himself to his feet, feeling drained beyond belief.

“What now?” Alex asked.

“Who knows? I guess it all depends on what happens in court.”

“I’m still so bloody angry with you.”

“I know… and I’m still so bloody hurt by you.”

There was nothing more to be said. They exchanged honest, regretful smiles and then dragged themselves off to their separate rooms.

Josiah had barely been asleep for an hour when he was woken by a buzz from his holopad.

“Yeah? What? Raine,” he mumbled, in a fog of weariness.

“It’s me,” said a voice at least as tired as his own but also bursting with excitement.

“Who?” He frowned groggily, trying to wake up.

“Me – Cam. You have to come into the office right now, Joe. I’ve found something.”