Page 39 of The Quarterlands (Dark Water #4)

“You asked me if there were any more secrets that would have a bearing on Tyler’s trial!” Alex rounded on him angrily. “This has nothing to do with him. It’s irrelevant to Solange’s murder.”

“You lied under oath,” Josiah pointed out. “You stood up in court and said you were driving at the time of the accident. That is pertinent to Tyler’s case. If you’ve lied under oath once, what’s to stop you doing it again at Tyler’s trial?”

“I’m not lying about Tyler. Everything I’ve told you about him and what happened to Solange is the truth.”

“And I believe you.” Josiah gazed at him steadily. “But I had to know what you were hiding in case it came up during the trial. I had to be prepared for that eventuality.”

“No, you had to know, period,” Alex spat. “You had to know all of me, didn’t you? You couldn’t leave it. You’re allowed your secrets, Joe, you’re allowed your precious bloody Kathleen Line, but I’m not allowed the one thing that’s mine. Not one secret.”

“It’s a pretty big secret, Alex.” Josiah sat back. “When did you find out that Charles was doping?”

“You still have to know, don’t you?” Alex gave a twisted smile.

“Of course you do. If you must know, it was at the Olympics, after he won the medal. I saw him and Mum make the swap when a WADO guy came to take his blood. I was devastated because Charles was my hero, so I ran off, but Mum came after me. She convinced me that it was all okay, and persuaded me to be okay with it, too.”

“She convinced you to keep it quiet and not to tell your father?”

“What else was I going to do?” Alex asked in a despairing tone.

“Maybe, in time, I’d have grown a pair and said something to him, but I was so shocked, and everything she said was so reasonable.

I hated what they’d done, but I still loved them.

” He looked at Josiah beseechingly. “If I’d said something, maybe she’d still be alive today. ”

“Maybe, but you’d have caused a huge rift in your family.”

“I believed in Charles. I’d bought the same lie as the rest of the country. I felt angry and betrayed.” Alex’s face crumpled again. “But then they told me that I could be part of it – part of them – and I was seduced by that. I wanted that so much.”

“Of course you did.” Josiah sighed. “It was all you ever wanted. Were you never tempted to tell Tyler the truth? The only reason he persecuted you was because he believed you killed your mother.”

“All the time!” Alex flared. “All the damn time, Joe. Do you have any idea how much it took for me to keep that promise to Charles? The promise I made to him on this road, when he was lying over there, crushed and paralysed.” He pointed.

“I didn’t know if he’d survive. If he did, I didn’t want them taking his medal away from him.

He begged me to take the blame, and I did. ”

“Ah.” Josiah nodded. “I wondered if he’d asked or if you’d offered.”

“He asked. He knew they’d take his medal from him if he was found to have been doping, and he knew he’d be disgraced in front of the whole country.

Then it’d all have been for nothing. All those years of training, all that sacrifice.

He needed that medal. We’d lost Mum – I could see that she was dead.

Who knew what condition Charles would be in, if he survived?

The least I could do was take the blame. ”

“You have to know that it wasn’t your fault, Alex. You weren’t driving, and you weren’t the one cheating by taking Flex.”

“You have no idea how many sleepless nights I’ve had wishing I could turn back time, wishing I hadn’t taken croc that day in the pub,” Alex growled. “I do blame myself. It was my fault. I didn’t have to be driving for it to be my fault.”

“Why did you take the croc?” Josiah asked quietly.

Alex stared into the distance. “Mum was having a cigarette, but Dad hated her smoking. When I caught her, she laughed. ‘It’s our little secret,’ she said.

” His face crumpled. “I don’t know why but it made me want the croc.

I had a stash in my wallet that I’d almost forgotten about, but then I remembered, and I wanted it so badly. ”

“‘Our little secret’? Like earlier, when you had sex with Buzzard in the toilet at The Orchard? Like when you found out about Charles taking Flex, and your mother persuaded you not to tell Noah? ‘Our little secret’…?” Josiah raised an eyebrow.

“No wonder that was a trigger for you. You loved your father, and you weren’t comfortable with all this lying.

It came easier to Isobel and Charles than it did to you.

For all your moodiness, you’re a straightforward kind of man, Alex.

You don’t like lying to the people you love. ”

Alex took another gulp of the water. “I don’t know.”

Josiah put his hand on Alex’s back and rubbed gently. “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. I made those decisions. Me. I was stupid and venal and weak. I did all those things, and I stole that money from Dad. You always make excuses for me, Joe, but I’m a pretty awful person.”

“You were a neglected kid who wanted his mum’s attention.

Yes, you made some bad decisions, but you were only young and you’ve more than paid for them.

You always tell me all the ways you’re a bad person, but you forget all the good, noble, and brave things you’ve done, too,” Josiah told him firmly.

“Bullshit,” Alex growled.

“No, it isn’t. Let me tell you some of the things I’ve found out about you in these past few months.

Number one: you’re loyal. Fiercely, stubbornly loyal.

You stick by your friends. Solange and Gideon weren’t always good to you – they lied to you and deceived you – but you’ve always been loyal to them.

Number two: you could never harm anyone.

I’ve killed people, Alex, many people, but you never could.

If that had been even remotely possible, then you’d have found a way to kill Tyler, and you never did.

Number three: you’re a sensitive soul, an artist and a dreamer – you never wanted to be dragged into any of this.

Number four: you’re brave; you were fighting Lars Driessen when I ran back to the car that night.

You tried to stop him attacking Peter again, and he was twice your size.

You could have run away, but you stayed and fought to help me save Peter’s life.

Number five: you’re kind , Alex. Kinder than me, or your mother, or your brother.

You painted that beautiful picture for me because you were so worried about me being alone.

I think all you ever really wanted was to pursue your art, but your looks and notoriety got in the way. ”

Alex was gazing at his feet, his cheeks flushed bright red. “I don’t know about any of that,” he muttered.

“Stop it,” Josiah told him fiercely. “You made me promise to let my friends in, to not be alone, and I needed to hear that. Now, I’m telling you something you need to hear.

You’re not the villain in any of this – you never were.

See yourself in the round, Alex, not just as the sum of your mistakes. See yourself as I see you.”

Alex managed a tentative smile. “I dunno. Mostly I think I’m an idiot.”

“No. You’re a lost soul who made some bad choices, but they don’t have to define your life forever,” Josiah insisted. “Believe me, I should know.”

“You’d have said something,” Alex murmured. “ You wouldn’t have gone along with Mum and Charles for a second.”

“I don’t know.” Josiah shrugged. “I did some pretty stupid things as a teenager too. I was even a prize-fighter for a bit, and that was both illegal and stupid. You loved your family, and we sometimes do the wrong things for the people we love.”

“Have you?” Alex asked.

“Yes.” Josiah sighed. He sat down on the ground opposite Alex and leaned his head back on the open duck door. “I loved Peter, like you loved your mother and brother, but…” He hesitated. It felt like such a betrayal, but he’d forced Alex to tell the truth, so shouldn’t he face some truths, too?

“Peter often didn’t listen to me – to anyone.

We always did what Peter wanted. He was very persuasive, and often what he said was reasonable, but sometimes I wasn’t comfortable with it, and he’d talk me round, convince me to do things I didn’t think were right.

I did them because I loved him, but… I wish he’d listened to me more. ”

“I always thought Peter was perfect.”

“So did I.” Josiah sighed. “But he wasn’t.

None of us are. Peter always got his way, even about the stuff that I thought maybe didn’t matter.

I kept on giving up pieces of myself because I loved him so much, and maybe he took advantage of that.

” Josiah rested his head on the duck door and gazed at Alex sadly.

“That’s not something I’ve ever admitted to myself before, but it’s true. ”

“We love who we love,” Alex murmured. “I know you don’t much care for Charles, but he’s my brother and I love him. I know he lied and cheated, and I hate that he’s not who I thought he was, but he’s still my brother.”

“I know,” Josiah said softly. “I think in this that you and I are quite alike. We give ourselves away for the people we love, when really, we should draw some lines in the sand.”

“Peter was always the captain, wasn’t he? And you were always the sergeant?” Alex suggested. “He was always the one calling the shots. The one in command.”

“Yes. And Charles was always your shining, golden big brother, and Isobel, your beautiful, glamorous mother.”

“Maybe neither of us wanted to see the ways they used us.”