Page 54 of The Call of Azure (Unexpected Love #3)

Liam

I don’t even make it to the car.

“Wait.”

I don’t turn around. I can’t turn around because that sounded like Gabriel’s voice, and right now I’m so close to falling apart that I can’t dare to let myself believe he’s actually come after me for any other reason than to tell me to stay away.

I can’t let myself hope that he’ll throw himself into my arms and kiss me, and it will feel like fate and possibility.

Like I’ll finally get a chance to understand the meaning of life.

“Liam.”

He’s close now. So close that when I turn around, I can see the tiny flecks of black and gold that swim through his irises when bright light hits their warm brown, and the look of him, flushed and confused and…

sorry, steals the very breath from my chest. He doesn’t look like someone who is going to leap into my arms. He looks like someone who is going to break my heart.

“I just…”

“I mean it’s just that…”

He shakes his head with a frustrated sigh. “I can’t.”

I have to leave. I have to leave now. I can’t say anything because there’s nothing to say.

I knew it would end like this; I just didn’t realize that right before it was over, the universe would throw one last sparkling glimmer of hope in front of me before ripping him away for good.

I nod and turn and reach for the car door.

“You just…god. I’m not saying what I’m trying to say.”

I need him to stop talking because I can’t walk away while he is, but I need to go. I need to get as far from here as I can. Maybe I’ll drive to the beach and sit in the cold sand and stare into the depths of the sea until the world no longer exists.

“You don’t understand. I’m not saying this right. I can’t because…I don’t want you to…I wouldn’t survive you leaving me.” His words rush out in a confused, almost nonsensical tangle.

Leaving him? I spin quickly, taking a single step closer as I try to figure out what he’s talking about.

“Why? What do you mean, leaving? Why would I leave you?”

His shoulders round, and his gaze drops to my chest in defeat, and Gabriel looking like that is so very, very wrong.

“Men always leave me. They take what they want and enjoy me for a while, and they leave.

Nothing sticks, no one stays. Once the jewelry and the clothes are put away, once the instant spark and passion fade, I'm not what they want.

I'm not colorful enough or shiny enough or exciting enough. I'm just…never enough.”

“Gabriel.” My feet close the distance between us before I even realize I’ve started to move, and when I slip a knuckle under his chin, he lets me gently raise it so I can stare into his eyes and make sure he can see that I mean every word I intend to say, in case this is my only chance.

“Gabriel. I don’t know who’s left you. I can’t speak for your family or your friends or anyone you’ve ever dated, but anyone who has ever let you slip through their fingers has been an idiot.”

He snorts a sad, disbelieving huff and tries to look away, but I won’t let him go that easily.

“I’m the only common denominator in my relationships though.

Every single person I’ve ever met can’t be wrong.

I’m not good for anything other than superficial and temporary fun, and we’ve had that already, so this…

” He half-heartedly raises a hand between our chests to gesture at us both.

“This has run its course. I wasn’t supposed to let myself get caught up in hoping ever again, but I did, and it was stupid.

I know what I said in there, and even though I tried my best to stop it from happening, you snuck past my walls, but I just…

I can’t handle allowing myself to think things might work out.

I can’t risk trying for something more, only to find out that in a day or a month or a year, you end up leaving me like everyone else. ”

Even though he’s still allowing me to hold his chin gently in place, his eyes dart around as he tries his best to look anywhere other than into my soul that’s so openly on display for him.

“First. Common denominator? Of all the things you could have gone with, you chose a math analogy?”

The corners of his lips twitch up for the briefest of moments. Good.

“Second. Maybe people in the past have been drawn to your beauty and confidence and playfulness. I was too. I still am, and I’ll always love those things about you.”

His gaze snaps back to mine in shock at the word love, and I let myself offer a smile that holds all my fears and hopes and dreams. I let him see my heart on my sleeve because if this is our last conversation, I need him to know. I need him to know that he’s worth keeping.

“Anyone who’s let you go…they haven’t ever bothered to look any deeper than that, sweetheart.

If they’d have taken the time to look below the surface, they’d have seen that you're passionate about the things you love. The way you go on tangents about books and ice cream and coffee and performance art always makes me smile. They'd have seen that you're kind and thoughtful and caring. I mean, look at the way you love that little demon and those people in that house back there.” I gesture slightly with my chin. “Even though I’ve only said ten whole words to them, whether you see it or not, trust me that it’s obvious they’d do anything for you.

You put your heart and soul into everything you do.

You live to the absolute fullest every single day.

Living like that, being exactly who you are without excuse or apologies or fear, is absolutely unimaginable to me.

I don't have a fraction of your strength.”

He rolls his eyes. “You’re literally a Marine who survived a rough childhood. I think you have us confused.”

“You’re right. I've survived. I've done what I've had to in order to survive, but I've never thrown caution to the wind and woken up and thought, today I am going to do only what I want to do and only in the way I want to do it.

I've never had the courage to do anything other than ride the rapids while trying not to drown.

I don't think I've ever even tried to escape them. You are beautiful, yes. I mean, god, are you beautiful. But you are so much more than that. You captivate me in a way that makes me want to do nothing but keep searching your depths every single day.”

Gabriel snorts out the most absurd noise I’ve ever heard.

His face scrunches up, and I have no idea if he's going to yell or cry or shove me away…

then he snorts again. The horrifying noise quickly devolves into a puddle of laughter.

His chin escapes my grasp when he brings a hand up to cover his mouth in an attempt to smother the weird combination of snorts and laughs that just keep coming, as the other waves awkwardly in my direction, and I'm a bit worried about his mental state.

“I'm sorry. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. You just…you said…” He snorts yet again. “You said you want to search my depths.”

Finally. For the first time in maybe my whole life, the weight of worry and anxiety and panic is simply…gone. It’s gone, and in this single moment, I find that I’m brave enough not to second-guess myself. I reach out and pull him into my arms as we both laugh until we're crying.

“I'm so sorry,” he mumbles into my neck that’s still slick with tears of laughter and relief and maybe just a bit of fear. “That was the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me in my life, and I ruined it.”

“No. You made it better. Because only you would start laughing at something that could maybe sort of sound slightly dirty while someone is pouring their heart out.”